Vitamin D

Saturday, Dr. Cook visited us and checked on how things were going. Again, he was very encouraging and we enjoyed another positive report. He had three main concerns:

1. Meet with NICU doctors to hear stats on babies born at 28-29 weeks. (No thank you. Instead, a NICU doctor brought us a book to educate ourselves. I like to stay informed and I know the stats. But I process information better reading on my own - I'll ask questions if I have them. I absolutely hate hearing out loud the "what if's" and I just don't see the point. Yes, if you are born in the next two weeks, we may face the listed struggles. But these doctors don't take God into consideration. We are making it well past 29 weeks, Little Miracles, and He is going to keep you safe.)

2. Getting me out of my hospital room and back to taking daily wheelchair rides

3. Vitamin D added to my long list of pills

Sunday, Dr. Cook returned and your daddy proudly proclaimed, "Vitamin D pills are on their way today!"

Dr. Cook smiled, "Good, good." Then he peered out the window, "But you know, it really is a beautiful day. Maybe today we skip the pills and get some natural vitamin D outside?"

Well, your daddy was all over it! He left almost immediately and hunted down a wheelchair for me. He was so excited to show me the "excitement" of the first floor - including the gift shop and a teeny-tiny door that has perplexed him for weeks!

tiny door....that leads to someone's office!!

It's quite sad how happy leaving the third floor made me! After roaming the new hallways for a bit, we headed out for a stroll around the parking lot. After being outside for less than 2 minutes, your daddy spun me around and headed back to the building. "I know where we need to go! Hold on....let's see if I can find a cut through."

Five minutes later we were back outside, on the opposite end of the building. He was very determined to get us wherever it was he was taking us...

look at that focus and determination

I soon realized where we were and saw the park across the street. During my first stay, my daily wheelchair rides included a stop at a large window where I would watch the kids playing at the park. I never made it downstairs during my first stay, but just watching the park would cheer me up. "You said in your post Saturday that you were sad that we wouldn't be able to take maternity pics in a park. Maybe we still can! We could always come here!" I was beyond excited - first to be outdoors, in a beautiful park with fall colors surrounding me, but second to have such a thoughtful husband who tried to solve my woes after reading my pity party post. I would have been perfectly content rolling around the parking lot looking at cars, but this was so much better!

28 Weeks

28 weeks is a HUGE milestone and we are beyond thankful to celebrate this day. But, here are a few silly things I'm thankful for today too...

One of Those Days

So overall I feel like I have tried to be positive throughout this entire experience. However, today I feel like I need just a moment of weakness to vent. So, I apologize in advance, but here are some things that have me down...

Going through the struggle of infertility is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It is full of a pain, fear, and emptiness unlike anything I have ever experienced. Looking back though, it has showed me that I am far stronger than I would have ever dreamed. It has taught me to truly appreciate the miracle of pregnancy at possibly a deeper level than others. Not to say other mothers don't appreciate pregnancy, I just feel like I have a very different perspective. So while our infertility struggle was probably the most painful and difficult experience of our lives, I learned a lot. 

That being said, there has always been a part of me that feels like we were robbed out of the chance to become parents naturally. In the beginning we prayed hard and trusted God would make us parents one way or another. But the constant (two and three times a week) doctor's appointments are taxing. We lost the joy and surprise of finding out if we were pregnant in private. I felt like the whole world knew my body's schedule and were waiting with us. And while it was wonderful to have such a support system, it just wasn't what "normal" couples got to experience. 

Once we were finally pregnant and celebrated our news, I vowed never to complain about any pregnancy pains. We had prayed too hard for this miracle for morning sickness or aches and pains to discourage us. We were going to soak up everything about pregnancy!

Now, as I sit here in my hospital bed, part of me is feeling a little discouraged that now I'm missing out on the beauty of pregnancy. I see pictures of other pregnant women out enjoying this fabulous experience and can't help but feel jealousy. Or I hear other women complaining about being uncomfortable (as I'm camped out in a hospital indefinitely) and can't help but get angry. It just seems cruel to me that we were robbed out of normal fertility, and now I feel like we've been robbed of this pregnancy. 

All my life I have dreamed of becoming a parent. I so badly want to experience "nesting" and preparing your sweet nursery. I want to be able to go shopping for the perfect coming home outfit. I want to take maternity pictures in a park with your daddy. I want to struggle to figure out how to put your car seats in for the first time. I want to wash, fold, and put away your sweet clothes. I wanted to enjoy every day of my pregnancy. I just never saw us being trapped in a hospital for, possibly, weeks on end. 

And yet, in the midst of my discouragement today, please know boys I have not lost sight of the bigger picture. It was just six weeks ago that doctors were preparing us for the worst and doubted we should even dream about seeing 25 weeks pregnant. And here we are, one day shy of 28 weeks! So while I feel like I've been robbed out of becoming pregnant naturally and now enjoying pregnancy, I still thank God. There were days when we thought becoming parents may just not happen for us. Not only are we going to be parents, but we get to be parents twice! And while our journey to parenthood may not be like that of what normal couples experience, we are thankful. I praise God for the miracles I feel constantly kicking and moving within me. I pray He continues to shelter you two and keep you safe. I pray that I continue to hold on to my faith and strength in the weeks that lie ahead of us. I am so looking forward to that moment when I hear your first cries and can finally hold my perfect babies in my arms. Please know how much you are already loved, Little Ones. I would do anything to protect you. 

Happy Halloween

I was so excited to be pregnant for Halloween. I had been searching for a costume for awhile and was excited to be a "Mummy to be." But as I'm learning, things don't seem to go as I plan. So, Halloween was going to be spent in the hospital, focused on keeping you two safe (so much more important than a silly costume and trick or treaters anyway!). But what was in store for us this Halloween, tricks or treats?

Wednesday started off pretty stressful with the cramps picking back up. At 7:15, I let the nurses know they were getting intense again. I had just taken my contraction pill at 7:00, so she wanted to wait until 8:00 to see if that helped. By 8:15 not only had the pills not worked, but cramps had definitely intensified. Unfortunately my nurse was with another patient at this time, so another nurse came in and moved the contraction monitor down on my belly to better pick up the cramps. (Super helpful that was - especially if this was preterm labor!! I didn't need them to be picked up, I needed them to stop!)

By 8:40, my pain level had really increased and I was starting to panic. Your daddy was already at work and my parents were on their way over. All I could think was that I did not want to deliver you two alone! Thank goodness my nurse, along with Terri, came in at this point. Based on where my pain was, they wondered if I had an infection instead of going into labor. 

So, after running a few tests, they discovered the pain was being caused by a UTI compounded by the fact that I had a baby on my bladder, a catheter, and a heart monitor pushing down on bladder. Pain was almost instantly gone once the catheter and monitor were removed, and things got even better once the antibiotics kicked in. 

From there, it was a pretty uneventful day and even ended with me being sent back upstairs since things had stabilized so much....until the middle of the night!

Early Halloween morning (2:40 AM), I was woken up for another round of IV antibiotics only to find my vein was not corporating. So, I had to wait for the IV team to come up, give me yet another IV, and then finally we could start my antibiotics. What should have been a quick 30 minutes, turned into an hour and a half. I finally fell back asleep around 4:15, but that didn't last long either!

It seemed as if we were going to have more tricks than treats this Halloween. I was woken up at 6:15 by very constant contractions and had at least one nearly every minute for 15 minutes! So, it was back on the monitors and discussion of sending me back to labor and delivery! This time, your daddy decided to stay and be a little late to work. After two hours of monitoring and more meds, things seemed to return to "normal" and we were allowed to stay on third floor.

Not sure what it is about the mornings boys, but it seems like most excitement is during this time. Once the excitement dies down, the rest of the day seems to be fairly uneventful. I was so concerned we'd have you two by Halloween. So I'm so thankful for another two days down with you still safe inside and pray for many more!

Déjà Vu

Well, yesterday morning I prepared for the worst, but prayed my hardest for the best. Around 11:30, suitcase in trunk, Zsu Zsu, Aunt Aubrey, and I headed back to the doctor.

After a quick examination, the doctor let me know I had begun to dilate (1 cm) and she could already feel a baby. There was no need for her to say anything else. I knew my fate. It was back down to labor and delivery for me. 

From there it was like a bad rerun. I had a doctor and nurse over my bed trying to trace your heartbeats on the monitor, while another was jabbing me with an IV, shot, and another lovely catheter. However, I was so grateful to be in the care of some wonderfully caring, familiar faces. As much as I didn't want to be back in the hospital, I was comforted that I had some of my favorite, sweet souls looking after me. After 45 minutes of just getting me set up, it was on to another ultrasound. Zsu Zsu, Paka, Aunt Aubrey, and Uncle Kye were all there to see you. Unfortunately, this may have been the first ultrasound I did not enjoy. Baby A, you are now so incredibly low that it's tricky to find you. The nurse was pushing down so hard which caused instant cramping and contracting. However during the ultrasound we also met with my regular doctor, as well as another high risk doctor. He was very encouraging. "We aren't throwing out life savers yet. You aren't drowning. Just sending up some warning flags. You could still make it several weeks."

After our ultrasound, and being returned to my room, it was back to the upside position followed by more of that fun magnesium (this time only for 13 hours and not 36!). This was the start of a long and draining night. From 7-10, I got decent sleep in 30 or so increments (with the magnesium they need to recheck me every single hour, so you never get more than an hour sleep at a time.....good practice for when you two get here, right?!). At 1 AM my nurse asked, "Are you sleeping at all??" She quickly got me an ambien to help me sleep....until 3 when we faced yet another scare. 

I soon began cramping pretty badly which is never a good sign. It was looking like we'd be taking an ambulance ride down to UL to deliver. But not before the doctors tried one more thing first.....and more importantly (and what I give credit to), not before your daddy offered a prayer over the three of us. At 4 AM we were given another shot. Thank God the cramps calmed down enough to take me off the magnesium and enough to not transfer me. 

The next several hours were pretty sleepless and unfortunately the cramps have since picked up again. So, we do all that we know to do. We pray. We trust God. And we hold on to our faith, Little Miracles. You have made it through another day. Today we celebrate 27 weeks and 3 days. And for that we rejoice and praise God, and we beg with broken hearts as we do everyday...."Just one more day, our merciful Lord."

love that this is what they posted today. Thank you, God, for yet another confirmation that you have us in your hands.

Sweet and Sour

Today we had our first follow-up appointment since leaving the hospital and it was going to be a busy appointment. We were scheduled for an ultrasound to check on how I was holding up, an ultrasound to check on you two, a typical appointment with the doctor, and my glucose testing. In my mind the glucose test was the biggest part of today (because I was sure the ultrasound would go fine) and I had to cut back on all the sweets I love to eat! Well, our roller coaster ride continued today...

While on our way, your daddy called to tell me he had decided to come to the appointment after all. All along, I told him not to worry about coming (Zsu Zsu and Aunt Aubrey were with me), plus it was going to be nothing new, a routine check up (ha!). Turns out I'm really thankful he was there with me.

Once we got to the doctor's office we did several minutes of waiting (me stuck sitting up for longer than I had in over five weeks). Finally, Zsu Zsu marched up to the front, explained that I was on bed rest, and needed to be seen or given a place to lay down (she's the best!). Well, sure enough, they bumped me up to next in line for ultrasounds!

Sweet moment #1: seeing you two still doing just fine! Miracle Baby A, as always, you did not want to show your face for any pictures and faced my back the whole time. Miracle Baby B, you were facing straight at us! You two sure are active! Miracle Baby B you have flipped sides again and are back to the left. And now, instead of lying sideways, you are feet down. Miracle Baby A you have flipped too and are feet down as well.

After admiring my cuties, they did the second ultrasound to check on me. I was squinting to try and read the numbers on the screen while they took the measurements, Was that a 1.3? Maybe a 1.5 still? but couldn't quite make it out. I thought for sure I had seen a one point something up there.

Since the nurses now realized I was on bed rest, they let me stay back in the ultrasound area instead of walking all the way back to the front, just to walk back again. It was during this time that we had our next "sweet moment" (quite literally this time). While waiting to see the doctor, they let me get a jump start on my glucose testing so that I could go home as soon as possible. So, they brought me a delicious orange sugary drink to guzzle in five minutes!

By the time that was finished it was on to the doctor. We sat and talked for a bit as I went over the list of questions I had. At one point she said, "Well your cervix is definitely short, but we already knew that." Okay, already knew that. So it must not have changed, right?

Sour moment #1:  "And how short is it?" I asked. She looked down at her paperwork and said, "Well, it's now measuring 8.8 mm." I thought surely I had misunderstood her, but unfortunately I hadn't. My cervical length had cut in half since the surgery.

Sour moment #2: While discussing what this meant for our near future, she realized I had not yet been given any steroid shots in case you were to be born early (this had been a strategic decision made by Dr. Weeks, who didn't want to administer these shots too soon). So, she decided to hook me up to monitor contractions, "If you have 5 in an hour, then we're going to have to send you back downstairs." I was devastated. Dr. Weeks knew we had at least 5 contractions each hour. He had said that's what life was going to be for me until we delivered. But since I hadn't had any steroid shots, these doctors were  nervous to let me go home. If I go into labor, they want to try to be able to stall for 24 hours to get the steroids in me as quickly as possible.

Sour moment #3: While being given this news, two different nurses came in to draw my blood (completion of the glucose testing) and give me a shot. Not that either hurt at all, but it was just the icing on the cake to be given this bad news while being poked with a bunch of needles.

Sour moment #4: Five contractions in under thirty minutes. My fate was sealed. It was back to the hospital for me.

Sweet moment #3: When the doctor returned, after speaking to me, another doctor from the practice, and a high risk doctor (not Dr. Weeks - come on, doc! We needed you today!) they had decided to send me home! The deal was I would return tomorrow to see if I had dilated at all and if I have gone into preterm labor, or if like Dr. Weeks had said, if this is just my normal from here on out.

Sour moment #5: While I was so grateful to be going home, she did decide to put me back on Procardia - the medicine to help with contractions. And while I'll do anything to help you two, I just find it a little silly. This medicine did nothing at all for me, but make me super hot and crazy dizzy (again, I'll live, but I don't see the point).

I was so absolutely devastated when they hooked me up to monitor my contractions and told me I was headed back downstairs. I just did not think this was at all a possibility today. But through it all, I'm thankful to spend another night in my own bed, in my own house. Who knows where I will be tomorrow after our appointment, but as always, whatever it takes! I just want you two to stay safe and healthy. If that means another hospital stay we will do it. But I do pray that I have not started to dilate in hopes that they will let me return home. We have made it five weeks so far boys, let's go for another five or more!

Some more sweet and sour  moments today...

27 Weeks