First Church Service

With the winter season comes lots of sickness. 
With you being preemies comes a higher, more serious risk of you boys getting sick. 
With that being said, your pediatrician and NICU doctor has put you boys on "house arrest" until April, as well as asked that you have no contact with any school-aged children. 

Why does this matter? Well, it means no church until April. After missing so much church after being hospitalized, I have really been missing our Sunday routine and my church family. 

Yesterday, church was cancelled due to icy conditions at the school. This was wonderful news for us because it meant we could have church at home. Paka, Zsu Zsu, and Aunt Aubrey headed to our house, where we had a small, quiet service in our home - your first church service!

This was such a big day for you boys, the message even focused on you, "babies are such a nice way to start people." Some of the verses highlighted included:

1 Samuel 1:27-28 "For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him: Therefore also I have lent him to the LORD; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the LORD. And he worshipped the LORD there."

Deuteronomy 11:18-19 "Therefore shall ye lay up these my words in your heart and in your soul, and bind them for a sign upon your hand, that they may be as frontlets between your eyes. And ye shall teach them your children, speaking of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up."

Matthew 19:14 "But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven."

It was such a wonderful theme to kickoff your own spiritual walks! I look forward to when we can return to church. But more so, I look forward to watching you two grow and foster your own relationships with God. He has already done so much for you boys in your short lifespan; I can't wait to see what the future holds. 

40 Weeks

When we were first told we were having twins, I prepared myself for the possibility for a difficult pregnancy, but believed all would be well. Never did I think the road we traveled to get to today would have been our journey. But you know what boys, I wouldn't change one day of the past 40 weeks...no matter how difficult some of those days may have been. I take one look in your all's eyes and realize ever single challenge was absolutely worth it. And even amongst the trials, I still truly loved being pregnant; I loved knowing I was growing two miracles. You boys have already brought me more joy in the past 68 days than I could have ever imagined. 

Once I was hospitalized, I worried about your well-being when we realized you might be born prematurely. Now that you're both here and doing so well, I'm grateful for these ten extra weeks we were given with you. It was a challenge when you were in the hospital, but I got ten bonus weeks with you two. Ten extra weeks for extra kisses. Ten extra weeks for extra snuggles. Ten extra weeks for an incredible joy and love.

And, as goes the tradition of my weekly updates, here's one more, final, weekly pic!

Two Months

Wiley

• 6 lbs 3 oz; 20.25 inches
• you can hold up your head for a few seconds
• you're our little mover - seems like you could roll over any day now
• you get frustrated when you can't roll over during tummy time
• you snort when frustrated 
• you love your sleep and usually fall asleep quickly and on your own
• you have a tight grip and hold onto any and everything you can

Ryan

• 6 lbs; 19.25 inches
• you can hold up your head for a few seconds
• you intensely focus on objects around you 
• you love story time and stare at each picture 
• we affectionately call you "snuffleupagus" because reflux has caused some congestion 
• you don't want to miss a minute around you....so you love to fight your sleep!
• when upset, you love your bouncer or snuggles on mommy or daddy's chest 

My two peas in a pod, how has it already been two months! It is so exciting watching you grow and develop these adorable little personalities. When I think that I could / should still be pregnant with you two, I'm amazed at how much you can already do and how healthy you both are. God is just so good!

Our First Week Home

I can't believe tomorrow marks your first full week home! Just a few weeks ago I felt like we'd never get to this point...and now, it's as if you've always been here. It has been such a wonderful, smooth, and natural adjustment. We love you little boys. If this week is any indication, life is going to move much too quickly for my liking! So, we will soak up these precious moments we are given right now. Happy First Week Home!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsH7OEuwEoM

Pure Joy

I really cannot begin to express how happy I am now. I have dreamed of you two my entire life and you are finally here, finally mine, and finally home. My life is absolutely perfect. I love every minute of motherhood. I love watching you sleep. I love listening to your coo's. I love listening to your different cries. I love holding you. I love reading to you. I love playing with you. I love our midnight feedings and cuddles. I look at you both and cannot believe how absolutely beautiful you both are!

This week has been so wonderful. Not only are you so loved by me and your daddy, but by your bigger family too! Aunt Aubrey and Uncle Kye can't get enough snuggles and kisses in!

Tuesday was a busy day - including bathtime and a doctor's visit! Wiley you seemed to enjoy your bath just a little more than you, Ryan.

Once you were all clean, it was off to meet your doctor for the first time.

You both did excellent and got wonderful reports! You handled your shots like the brave little troopers you are. Ryan, you even fell asleep during blood work; you're a pro at getting labs drawn!

Once we got home, you were a little more puny than usual from the shots. So, you got some extra snuggle time in with Dad.

I look at you two and still am in awe that you are ours! We love you more than you'll ever be able to know, Sweet Miracles.

I'm Coming Home pt 2

There are no words to describe how happy and complete I now feel. So, as the saying goes, "a picture's worth a thousand words;" here is your homecoming recap through some pictures.

Welcome home my sweet boys, welcome home!

I'm Coming Home pt 1

"I'm coming home, I'm coming home; tell the world I'm coming home!"

But before I get ahead of myself, let's rewind to a few days ago...

Wednesday morning I held my breath as your daddy called the NICU. We had always made it two days into the five day countdown, but never could quite get over that third day hump. I knew if we made it through Tuesday night, you'd make it five days. You just had to!

We were beyond ecstatic when they said you made it through the night without any destats. We were told to bring the car seats in so that you could take your car seat test! This was all getting so real.

 

Thursday afternoon I went through some of the discharge information with your nurse so that if you made it home Friday, it wasn't quite so overwhelming. I was taught how to give you your vitamins and other home care.

Once I got home Thursday I was in a complete swirl! Buying hand-sanitizer for the house, installing car seats, picking out your "going home" and picture outfits, deciding which blankets to bring to keep you warm, etc. I was a mad-man! In the back of my mind though, I knew we still had to get through Thursday night. I was a nervous wreck.

We called to check on you around 11:00. All was good so far.

I woke up at 2:50 to pump for 15 quick minutes. This was my last night of good sleep. Yep. I was up until 4:45 tossing and turning. I prayed you'd be allowed to come home today. I wondered if we would be able to take care of you, would you be safe sleeping, how would you do with feedings at home...you name it, I thought it!! So much for one final night's sleep.

Your daddy and I were up by 6:30, just waiting for the time to call the day shift nurse (she comes on at 7, but needs some time to review your chart). We figured 8:00 we'd call. By 7:24, I was practically throwing up with excitement / nerves. We had to call. I frantically ran out of the room. I couldn't take hearing bad news. You had to come home!

I soon heard your daddy, "Awesome. So you think around lunch time?"

Tears filled my eyes. Our prayers have been answered. We have been blessed with you two beautiful boys. God has given us healthy, happy boys. And finally, we will be united as a family of 4 at home. I am so beyond excited for today and cannot wait for this new chapter to begin. One year ago, I was beginning to reach hopelessness. I was doubting if we'd ever become parents. Today, I rejoice that we serve a living God who heard our cries and answered them twice!! Ryan and Wiley we love you dearly. You have wonderful lives ahead of you and I'm in awe that I get to be the one who helps guide you through this life. January 10th will go down as one of the greatest days of my life.

Sunday? Tuesday?? Friday?!

Deep breaths. Perfect timing. Deep breaths. Perfect timing.

Sunday was probably my most difficult day since beginning the homecoming countdown. There had been possible discharge dates ("before the new year," "by the new year," "by the end of the weekend," etc.), but never had we been told, "You will be going home on ____."

Sunday was our first official discharge date.

So, I anticipated it being a bummer of a day. However, "Tuesday, you will be going home," had already been stated. How perfect! Your 7 week birthday. It just made sense. So, I woke up Sunday excited to see you, knowing just two more days and you'd be home!!

That quickly changed. You both destated once again. I was so devastated. I just didn't understand. And so what do we do when we don't understand why things don't seem to be going the way we want? We blame someone else! I was so angry with the doctor who was on Saturday. We had been told we could keep your beds at an incline and just buy a wedge for your beds at home. When we came in Saturday, your beds were flat. I quickly pointed this out to the nurse, concerned it would cause a destat. Unfortunately, the orders had been changed and she couldn't raise you. Sure enough...you had a destat that night.

I was thankful our "December Doctor" was on Sunday, as he saw more eye-to-eye with our "January Doctor," and had your beds inclined again.

Monday morning I tentatively waited to hear your report...thank God, no destats! So, we go back to the 5 day countdown and pray you make it without any destats.

As bad as Sunday was, that's how great today was for me. Already I can see why Friday is a much better tentative date than Tuesday. (I pray this is the last adjusted discharge date, but if not, I will trust the new date is even better than Friday.) But here is why Friday is better than tomorrow:

1. Obscenely cold temps! We couldn't bring your sweet little bodies home in such freezing weather! And check out Friday's weather - a much better day for you two!

2. We have yet to take the infant CPR class since I had been hospitalized so early in the pregnancy. Last night I got online to sign up. The only date offered in the entire month of January? Wednesday, January 8th! Had you come home tomorrow, we wouldn't have been able to go. So now, we can take our class and bring you boys home well educated!

3. God has a better plan than we can make, so we trust each of these set backs! I know He will bring you home when you are ready for home; when you can be successful at home. You just have a very eager mommy who is ready to snuggle you whenever I want! And don't let him fool you, your daddy is just as eager too! I walked into our bedroom last night to see this...

We've had your bassinets ready to go, but yesterday he moved them into our bedroom. He is ready for you boys to be sleeping in them too!

We are so excited to bring you two home!! Could this be the week?! Ryan, you seem a little concerned...

...but don't worry, we sure are ready!

Perfect Timing

"God has perfect timing; never early, never late. It takes a little patience and a lot of faith. But it's always worth the wait."

These words are the background on my iPad screen and ones I keep repeating to myself today.

The day started with an entire bottle of spilt breast milk and a phone call from your daddy. I have to steal this because I can now definitely relate: "Who ever coined the phrase, "No use crying over spilt milk," obviously never spent hours expressing milk for their baby." While trying not to cry over the milk all over my floor, I was also informed by your daddy that you, Wiley, had another destat in the middle of the night. Sheesh. What a way to start our day! But, I tried to stay positive, knowing I'd rather you be monitored in the hospital then coming home still destating.

Once I got to the hospital, I was able to feed you both and love on you both before your second big eye exam. Last time you did great, so I was faithful this time would go smoothly too. Thank God, still no ROP, but let me say, two weeks has really strengthened your screaming abilities! Ugh, I hate the wailing - especially when I can't just scoop you up and comfort you. The doctor jokingly said, "I'd give Wiley a 6 and Ryan a 3 on the scream-o-meter." It amazes me that a 10 second test so quickly wipes you both out. As soon as the test was over, you were both snoozing soundly, so I tiptoed out to let you rest.

Your daddy was going to come visit you tonight, but unfortunately the roads got pretty bad and icy and he couldn't get there. Instead, he called to see how your afternoon went. Ryan, you little stinker, you had to follow your brother's lead and had your own destat.

You'd think if I was able to stay positive about Wiley's destat, then this one wouldn't upset me (it keeps you on the same schedule to come home together), but it had me feeling like you'd never be home (which I realize is a completely irrational thought, I'm just so ready to have you two home!).

And while already down, let's add one more blow...if one more person utters these words to me, I may lose my mind, "Don't worry, you will wish you could send them back once they're home." Most of the time, I think it's said to try and comfort me that this will soon be a distant memory and life will be hectic here. However, it is not comforting. I prayed too long and too hard to just get pregnant. I then prayed too long and too hard to keep my babies safe during a difficult pregnancy. And now, I'm praying too long and too hard for my babies to come home. This is all I ever wanted. I want the misery of sleepless nights (I already have them pumping...I just don't have my babies with me in the middle of the night!). I want the chaos of two babies screaming at the same time because they both need fed right that second. I want to feel the craziness of being a new mother. I especially resent these words when most people who are saying them got to bring their babies home with them right away; they never knew the stress of leaving their babies behind in the hospital for weeks on end. I realize that I don't even know how crazy life is going to be with two kids at home, but I am ready for our current craziness to be over and the joy of the normal craziness of parenthood to begin.

When you were first brought up to the NICU, we were cautioned, "You are going to be told that today's the day they go home and then something's going to happen. Their discharge date is going to have to be pushed back. And you will be frustrated, but don't worry., they will go home." And I know you will. I just think at this point we need to stop giving us an actual day. I was already planning our Sunday evening as a family of four at home! At this point, I would rather just show up one day and the doctors say, "They're ready to go home right now!"

And so in the middle of all this and the waiting for your homecoming, I will continue to whisper and trust, "God has perfect timing; never early, never late. It takes a little patience and a lot of faith. But it's always worth the wait."

Happy New Year

Today I re-read last year's New Year's post and reflected on the past two to three years.

As difficult as 2012 was, that's how wonderful 2013 was for our family. As with any year, we definitely had our ups and downs. Our family had to say our sudden and difficult goodbyes to Grandma. My pregnancy took some really scary turns and we were unsure of how things were going to end. But through it all, there was much to be celebrated. Some of my highlights from 2013 are:

• Monday, May 6th - IVF transfer
• Sunday, May 19th -we're pregnant!
• Monday, June 3rd - it's twins!!
• Thursday, July 18th - your daddy got baptized
• Monday, August 19th - saw Casting Crowns in concert
• Wednesday, August 7th - first time I felt you kick (on your daddy's birthday)
• Wednesday, September 4th - two boys!!
• Wednesday, September 25th - successful surgery
• Friday, October 11th - sent home from the hospital
• Saturday, October 26th - baby shower
• Sunday, November 17th - surprise hospital shower
• Tuesday, November 19th - you sweet miracles entered our lives!

Your daddy and I didn't quite make it to officially welcome in the New Year, but we ended our year the best way I know we could have - snuggling you sweet boys at the hospital. Once you both fell asleep, we tucked you back into your cribs and headed home to tuck ourselves into bed.

And just as we ended our year, we started the new year again loving on you two. Today was a very exciting day for us. When we first got there, I immediately noticed that...Ryan your feeding tube was gone! I mentioned it to the nurse and she replied, "Yep, he did that himself. He decided it was time to take it out...but don't worry, it's staying out! It was supposed to come out today anyway and he apparently knew that."

It's so exciting to see both of your sweet faces completely. During your feedings, we had to take a quick break for a photo-op.

It was at this time that your doctor walked in to update us on the day's changes. Ryan, she has stopped your caffeine. "I know we talked about them coming home separately, but how do you feel about them coming home together?" I wondered where she was going with this. Wiley, we've been hoping that you'd be coming home this weekend. While I'd love you to come home together, I didn't want it to be another ten days before anyone came home. She continued, "Ryan has shown significant progress and has really closed the gap. We stopped his caffeine yesterday, which means if he doesn't have any destats, he could really go home Sunday. That way they could go home together. How does that sound?"

How does that sound?! I thought I was going to burst into tears. All along I have worried about leaving one of you behind. How would I juggle taking care of you both, when once one of you leaves the hospital you wouldn't be able to return to your brother's hospital room? The thought of this has just eaten away at me. I never even let myself dream that you could come home together.

What an incredible way to kickoff 2014 with such hope and excitement. I pray that God continues to take care of you over the next few days. I pray for no more destats and that you continue to grow stronger so that you will both be ready to safely come home together this weekend. And I pray that 2014 holds many more blessings for our sweet family of four.