About three hours later, and after a nap, I woke up in a crazy sweat, shaking, nauseous, and ready to faint. In the midst of this crazy reaction, it was now 11 o'clock and time for my trigger shot (notice the shaking hands. I wish this was a side effect, but it's not...I don't know why but the syringe is so much more intimidating than my nifty pen).
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Courageous
Well, yesterday I got to begin a new mix of crazy medications. By the end of this week, I will be on six different things (yikes!). Last night, while at my parents, I introduced the first new medication into the mix.
About three hours later, and after a nap, I woke up in a crazy sweat, shaking, nauseous, and ready to faint. In the midst of this crazy reaction, it was now 11 o'clock and time for my trigger shot (notice the shaking hands. I wish this was a side effect, but it's not...I don't know why but the syringe is so much more intimidating than my nifty pen).
After a long, sleepless night, I awoke to find the headaches and dizziness haven't gone anywhere. While driving to work I was reminded, "We were made to be courageous. We were made to lead the way...The only way we'll ever stand is on our knees with lifted hands. Make us courageous. Lord, make us courageous." So, I'll put on my brave face and be courageous today. I will face this day and pray for God's comfort along the way. I keep telling myself this is all going to be worth it. And I know it will be. But, God, we need our miracle!
About three hours later, and after a nap, I woke up in a crazy sweat, shaking, nauseous, and ready to faint. In the midst of this crazy reaction, it was now 11 o'clock and time for my trigger shot (notice the shaking hands. I wish this was a side effect, but it's not...I don't know why but the syringe is so much more intimidating than my nifty pen).
Monday, April 29, 2013
Miracle Monday pt 2
Well Lord, I said this morning I am completely trusting you, so I am, but let me say, I was not at all prepared for that three hour roller coaster ride!!
I started my drive to the doctor singing and praying to the Lord. Again, the Lord spoke to me through a perfect song. It was one I had never heard before and was as if my prayer was being sung aloud to me!
"God I need You more than words can say, right here in this moment. You know my heart, You know my need. You know every part of me. So even if it's just to speak Your name, I'm gonna pray."
And I did, I prayed. I prayed for God to work this miracle for us. To be with us today.
I so wish I had a picture of the beautiful sight once we were in the examination room. Keal took hold of my hand, kissed it, bowed his head, and together we both prayed. The sight of Keal so humbled before the Lord at that moment is one I will treasure forever.
As soon as the ultrasound came up on the screen, I knew things were not looking good. One follicle was suddenly filling the whole screen - it was huge. And there were a lot of them. "Oh dear," was all our doctor uttered.
I had so much faith that today we would have our six perfect follicles. But twenty some?! I had not prepared myself for that. I think I just went numb in that moment. I did not feel sadness. I did not feel anger. I just waited to hear next steps because I just wouldn't believe this was the end of this Miracle Monday for us.
"Well, here are your options. We can just say forget it, and try again next month. Or, since we're in the middle of an IVF cycle with other women right now, we can switch gears. We can turn this into IVF for you too."
There it was. There was the hope we could still hold on to!
So, after much debating, discussing, number crunching, and weighing the pros and cons, Keal and I decided to push forward.
Tonight, I still get to do the big trigger shot (yippee!). Wednesday I have surgery to retrieve, hopefully, several good eggs. And if my body is ready for it, Monday we transfer our embryos. I hope and pray, sweet baby, you are there! We are ready for you, our sweet miracle.
It was a long and exhausting day for both of us -- double the blood work for me, double the ultrasounds, and even blood work for Keal (he was NOT happy about this! Is it wrong of me to say part of me enjoyed that he finally had to do something a little physical?). Three hours spent in a doctor's office proved to be physically and mentally draining for both of us. And though Miracle Monday did not turn out quite how we wanted, there is still hope! We still believe that this miracle is in the works. I'm not quite sure why things are changing the way they are, and maybe I never will, but I will trust God no matter what. I am thankful that we have the opportunity to continue this month. And who knows, maybe tonight is the last shot I give myself before hearing good news! And if not, sweet one, I will take as many shots as I have to because you will be so worth it.
I started my drive to the doctor singing and praying to the Lord. Again, the Lord spoke to me through a perfect song. It was one I had never heard before and was as if my prayer was being sung aloud to me!
"God I need You more than words can say, right here in this moment. You know my heart, You know my need. You know every part of me. So even if it's just to speak Your name, I'm gonna pray."
And I did, I prayed. I prayed for God to work this miracle for us. To be with us today.
I so wish I had a picture of the beautiful sight once we were in the examination room. Keal took hold of my hand, kissed it, bowed his head, and together we both prayed. The sight of Keal so humbled before the Lord at that moment is one I will treasure forever.
As soon as the ultrasound came up on the screen, I knew things were not looking good. One follicle was suddenly filling the whole screen - it was huge. And there were a lot of them. "Oh dear," was all our doctor uttered.
I had so much faith that today we would have our six perfect follicles. But twenty some?! I had not prepared myself for that. I think I just went numb in that moment. I did not feel sadness. I did not feel anger. I just waited to hear next steps because I just wouldn't believe this was the end of this Miracle Monday for us.
"Well, here are your options. We can just say forget it, and try again next month. Or, since we're in the middle of an IVF cycle with other women right now, we can switch gears. We can turn this into IVF for you too."
There it was. There was the hope we could still hold on to!
So, after much debating, discussing, number crunching, and weighing the pros and cons, Keal and I decided to push forward.
Tonight, I still get to do the big trigger shot (yippee!). Wednesday I have surgery to retrieve, hopefully, several good eggs. And if my body is ready for it, Monday we transfer our embryos. I hope and pray, sweet baby, you are there! We are ready for you, our sweet miracle.
It was a long and exhausting day for both of us -- double the blood work for me, double the ultrasounds, and even blood work for Keal (he was NOT happy about this! Is it wrong of me to say part of me enjoyed that he finally had to do something a little physical?). Three hours spent in a doctor's office proved to be physically and mentally draining for both of us. And though Miracle Monday did not turn out quite how we wanted, there is still hope! We still believe that this miracle is in the works. I'm not quite sure why things are changing the way they are, and maybe I never will, but I will trust God no matter what. I am thankful that we have the opportunity to continue this month. And who knows, maybe tonight is the last shot I give myself before hearing good news! And if not, sweet one, I will take as many shots as I have to because you will be so worth it.
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| 11 PM tonight...last shot?? |
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| Not appreciating the thought of blood work! |
Miracle Monday pt 1
Last night felt like the night before the first day of school...I was giddy / anxious / excited, you name it, for today's appointment! Keal and I lay hugging in bed, when I whispered, "Go ahead."
I love that he now knows what that means.
He hugged me a little tighter and said a prayer for you. One of my favorite things about the way Keal prays when he prays for this miracle, is that he doesn't pray selfishly. He has never told God, "We need this baby," or "We really want this baby." Instead, he always prays that God grant us this miracle so that, "We give all honor and glory to you Lord. That when we get our miracle, we can praise your name for working this miracle." I fell asleep reflecting on this thought. How wonderful, every time I look into your eyes, I will be looking into the eyes of a miracle, a gift given to us directly from God. Every time I introduce you to someone new, I will be given the perfect opportunity to shout God's goodness to us and how He choose the perfect time to give us the perfect gift. Oh little one, I cannot wait for that day. Already, I am praising God's name for this miracle that he will work in our lives.
I woke up this morning, and before I looked at the clock I tried willing it to read 11 AM. Instead, it read 3 AM along with a text from my sister. Side note: I really need to get out of the habit of reading texts in the middle of the night. I usually forget I read them and never respond to that person. But this text I did not forget. I am thankful I read it.
I loved getting this beautiful experience in the middle of the night. It immediately restored my faith and helped me fall back asleep more peacefully.
As I'm preparing myself for today's appointment, I have been thinking about last October when we first did IUI. Back in October, we did not expect to be able to do IUI at all. It was our "bonus month," no shots, just pills. I feel like we are in a different place now. Everyone is now on their knees. "Lots of bold prayers going up for you today friend!" and "I've been thinking about y'all lots lately! Not sure what's going on in your world these days, but praying for you," were just two of the sweet texts I received from dear friends, lifting up the Lord's name in honor of us. We all realize how crucial this month is. This is it. Our last shot before seriously discussing IVF. I feel like this is just where God wanted us. On our knees, giving everything we have to Him. I have fully surrendered all control and am completely trusting God at this point. I know this is our month. I am so excited for today's appointment to hear how God has moved another step closer to our miracle and to you.
I love that he now knows what that means.
He hugged me a little tighter and said a prayer for you. One of my favorite things about the way Keal prays when he prays for this miracle, is that he doesn't pray selfishly. He has never told God, "We need this baby," or "We really want this baby." Instead, he always prays that God grant us this miracle so that, "We give all honor and glory to you Lord. That when we get our miracle, we can praise your name for working this miracle." I fell asleep reflecting on this thought. How wonderful, every time I look into your eyes, I will be looking into the eyes of a miracle, a gift given to us directly from God. Every time I introduce you to someone new, I will be given the perfect opportunity to shout God's goodness to us and how He choose the perfect time to give us the perfect gift. Oh little one, I cannot wait for that day. Already, I am praising God's name for this miracle that he will work in our lives.
I woke up this morning, and before I looked at the clock I tried willing it to read 11 AM. Instead, it read 3 AM along with a text from my sister. Side note: I really need to get out of the habit of reading texts in the middle of the night. I usually forget I read them and never respond to that person. But this text I did not forget. I am thankful I read it.
You and Keal have been on my mind all day long. I have prayed so much today and felt such a desire for tomorrow to come. I even sent a text to Carly and Mackenzie asking them to pray for you both tomorrow for our Miracle Monday since they've known bits here and there throughout this journey. I'm driving home from Aaron's and turned on k-love and usually I'm hesitant cause I fear I won't know any songs. But God is talking to me loud and clear, as soon as I turned it on it switched to Casting Crowns', "Praise You in the Storm." And now Sidewalk Prophets is playing and I'm a crying mess. Such a beautiful moment selfishly for me and for you both, I'm praying so hard and faithfully tonight. And I had never heard that Sidewalk Prophet's song, but thought how beautiful and relevant those lyrics were to you so I checked your Facebook to see if it had ever been a status....it was one of yours last week : )
I loved getting this beautiful experience in the middle of the night. It immediately restored my faith and helped me fall back asleep more peacefully.
As I'm preparing myself for today's appointment, I have been thinking about last October when we first did IUI. Back in October, we did not expect to be able to do IUI at all. It was our "bonus month," no shots, just pills. I feel like we are in a different place now. Everyone is now on their knees. "Lots of bold prayers going up for you today friend!" and "I've been thinking about y'all lots lately! Not sure what's going on in your world these days, but praying for you," were just two of the sweet texts I received from dear friends, lifting up the Lord's name in honor of us. We all realize how crucial this month is. This is it. Our last shot before seriously discussing IVF. I feel like this is just where God wanted us. On our knees, giving everything we have to Him. I have fully surrendered all control and am completely trusting God at this point. I know this is our month. I am so excited for today's appointment to hear how God has moved another step closer to our miracle and to you.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Strangely Dim
There is so much to be thankful for today! We headed out to yet another appointment. We went into
this appointment with hearts full of faith and excitement, believing
completely that God was going to work great things for us today.
My day started with encouraging words from my brother:
I know that my family is praying for me, but I sometimes forget that they are taking this journey right along with me. I forget that they are having their own special moments with God too while praying for you. This journey to you is so much bigger than just me wanting you. This journey is so much bigger than my family wanting you. This journey is all about our merciful God and the way He tenderly whispers, "I love you," throughout our individual lives. This journey is about being an example and a witness to the power of God, despite the struggle and pain this journey can bring too! As I read these texts from my brother, I felt as if it was God's way of wrapping His arms around my family and whispering to us that He is still in control of this journey. I felt a peace and comfort and immediately knew today's appointment was going to be a positive one.
As I pulled into the parking garage all of my Christian radio stations' reception went out...except for one. A song I had never heard was playing. Had other stations been available, I probably would have changed stations. But I kept it on and listened. I am so glad I did and was so blessed by the beautiful lyrics!
My day started with encouraging words from my brother:
As I pulled into the parking garage all of my Christian radio stations' reception went out...except for one. A song I had never heard was playing. Had other stations been available, I probably would have changed stations. But I kept it on and listened. I am so glad I did and was so blessed by the beautiful lyrics!
I've had all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don't know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can't see
Past the things I pray
Today
But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don't know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can't see
Past the things I pray
Today
But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim
How perfect! This journey to you has seemed like just that, the longest wait. Yet, when I focus my eyes on God, everything else grows dim. I feel like this past month I have been so much more focused on God and trusting His plan for us. I feel like my doubts and worries have truly faded. I know completely that you will soon be in our lives, little one!
As Keal and I sat in the examination room together, I looked over at him and said, "I'm nervous." He smiled and whispered back, "Me too!" He put his fingers to his wrist and said, "Seriously. You should take my pulse. I just want this miracle baby so bad." At that moment, we both bowed our heads, and both offered our own quiet pleas to God. In that moment, I felt so united as a couple, so united to God. It was such a personal, yet beautifully connected moment. I wonder if Keal will even remember it, it was that small and quick, but it was a moment I will treasure forever. We love you already, baby, and are praying so hard for you to make us a family of three!
After a somewhat long wait, the doctor finally came in. We were pleased to hear that the follicles are continuing to grow. The four follicles we had have now become six maturing follicles. Six is the limit. So, we continue to hope that these six grow, yet no more appear. Today, the doctor said, "It's just a matter of time. If more are going to grow, they're going to grow. There's nothing we can do to stop it, the wheels are already in motion." And I agree. God already has the wheels turning on this miracle.
We go back Monday for one last check. If there are seven follicles, then this month is stopped and we cannot continue with the treatments. I am thankful for this report. God has shown His hand in every appointment we have had. I am glad He has one more miracle to work before The Miracle.
I have all my faith in God at this point - all other worries and doubts are strangely dim. I am so looking forward to Monday's appointment to hear that God has provided us with another miracle.
Monday, April 22, 2013
We Need a Miracle cont.
Praising God for positive news!
- Wednesday - few / if any growing follicles
- Today - four maturing follicles!
- Wednesday - no real lining
- Today - thick lining, showing potential for a pregnancy
We Need a Miracle
Today we go in for another follow-up. After Wednesday's appointment, it didn't seem likely that the shots would do anything. I appreciate that news. It means when we get a good report today, we can completely say, "It was God!"
I go into today's appointment completely faithful that God has good news waiting for us. I am trusting that He is going to work this miracle in our life. I have been singing this song all weekend and morning:
I go into today's appointment completely faithful that God has good news waiting for us. I am trusting that He is going to work this miracle in our life. I have been singing this song all weekend and morning:
Well no matter who you are and no matter what you've done
There will come a time when you can't make it on your own
And in your hour of desperation, know you're not the only one
Prayin', "Lord above, I need a miracle, I need a miracle."
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| Let Faith Arise. Committed. United. Faithfully trusting. |
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
I'm Worn
I sometimes feel like a complete crazy person when I write a post like this one...when I wrote just a few hours ago one of such hope, trust, and faith. The ups and downs of this journey are just so exhausting.
Today's appointment was fine, but like usual, we got no real news. At this point, the shots haven't really done anything. So, five more days of shots. While I wasn't discouraged by this news, I do feel drained. I just want this to work so badly. I heard this beautiful song today for the first time. It so perfectly describes how I am feeling.
I am putting all of my trust in God, and out of the hands of medicine and shots. At this point, the shots just aren't working. So, I'm trusting God to answer our prayers and grant us this miracle. I am praying that we will move His hand, and that when we go in on Monday, we hear that miraculously there has been the growth we need to see. I am praying Lord, "Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends, that You can mend a heart that's frail and torn."
Today's appointment was fine, but like usual, we got no real news. At this point, the shots haven't really done anything. So, five more days of shots. While I wasn't discouraged by this news, I do feel drained. I just want this to work so badly. I heard this beautiful song today for the first time. It so perfectly describes how I am feeling.
I am putting all of my trust in God, and out of the hands of medicine and shots. At this point, the shots just aren't working. So, I'm trusting God to answer our prayers and grant us this miracle. I am praying that we will move His hand, and that when we go in on Monday, we hear that miraculously there has been the growth we need to see. I am praying Lord, "Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends, that You can mend a heart that's frail and torn."
The Way of Peace
Here was today's message in Jesus Calling:
I found such comfort that this was today's message for me on this day of my doctor's appointment. There should be no fear in waiting for this appointment because I trust an incredible, loving and merciful God. I also loved that it said, "I share your joys and your problems." I know God has not forgotten us in this journey to you. I know He is apart of this struggle and challenge, so that when we rejoice you, our miracle, He will be part of that joy too.
I go into this appointment with an open heart and open mind, ready to trust whatever plan God has for us today.
I am training you in steadiness. Too many things interrupt your awareness of Me. I know that you live in a world of sight and sound, but you must not be a slave to those stimuli. Awareness of Me can continue in all circumstances, no matter what happens. This is the steadiness I desire for you.
Don't let unexpected events throw you off course. Rather, respond calmly and confidently, remembering that I am with you. As soon as something grabs your attention, talk with Me about it. Thus I share your joys and your problems; I help you cope with whatever is before you. This is how I live in you and work through you. This is the way of Peace.
Psalm 112:7
They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I found such comfort that this was today's message for me on this day of my doctor's appointment. There should be no fear in waiting for this appointment because I trust an incredible, loving and merciful God. I also loved that it said, "I share your joys and your problems." I know God has not forgotten us in this journey to you. I know He is apart of this struggle and challenge, so that when we rejoice you, our miracle, He will be part of that joy too.
I go into this appointment with an open heart and open mind, ready to trust whatever plan God has for us today.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Sweaty Palms and Tears
It's funny, I thought I'd be more prepared this time around. I knew what to expect. I'm a pro at shots. I know how my body reacts to the meds. The countless doctor appointments, no big deal.
Boy, was I wrong.
This morning I stood in the bathroom, needle in hand, palms sweaty, tears streaming down my face. I just couldn't do it this morning. The first time around, each shot was one step closer to getting you. This time, I feel a little more jaded. Yes, if this works, each shot is one step closer to you. But, we've done this before with no luck. This time around I feel like I'm doing this for nothing, to just hear that it didn't work again.
I am trying to be hopeful, positive, and faithful that God has this all under control, but part of me just wishes we could get to you without the needles, the meds, and the doctors. I keep reminding myself of this quote:
"Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, he was watching me. Even when He seemed indifferent to my suffering, He was watching. And when I was beyond all hope of saving...He gave me rest and gave me a sign to continue my journey." ~Life of Pi~
I know God is with us. I know there is a reason for all we are going through. And no matter what, I know He is going to help us continue on our journey to you.
Boy, was I wrong.
This morning I stood in the bathroom, needle in hand, palms sweaty, tears streaming down my face. I just couldn't do it this morning. The first time around, each shot was one step closer to getting you. This time, I feel a little more jaded. Yes, if this works, each shot is one step closer to you. But, we've done this before with no luck. This time around I feel like I'm doing this for nothing, to just hear that it didn't work again.
I am trying to be hopeful, positive, and faithful that God has this all under control, but part of me just wishes we could get to you without the needles, the meds, and the doctors. I keep reminding myself of this quote:
"Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, he was watching me. Even when He seemed indifferent to my suffering, He was watching. And when I was beyond all hope of saving...He gave me rest and gave me a sign to continue my journey." ~Life of Pi~
I know God is with us. I know there is a reason for all we are going through. And no matter what, I know He is going to help us continue on our journey to you.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
...Whatever Your Will
I started this morning calm, prayerful, and trusting. I started this morning confident in whatever news I got at my doctor's appointment. When I turned on my car, while still praying, the first words I heard were, "whatever your will, can you help me find it." I instantly felt a peace; it was my song from yesterday!
Today's appointment went great and we got the okay to start the treatments. I am excited to start and will be hopefully waiting to hear good news next week. Now that I have done this a few times before, I am prayerful that God will help me stay positive and focused. I am hoping to better fight some of the nasty side effects that come along with these medications. And through it all I will continue to hold strong to my faith that you will soon be in our lives.
Today's appointment went great and we got the okay to start the treatments. I am excited to start and will be hopefully waiting to hear good news next week. Now that I have done this a few times before, I am prayerful that God will help me stay positive and focused. I am hoping to better fight some of the nasty side effects that come along with these medications. And through it all I will continue to hold strong to my faith that you will soon be in our lives.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Help Me Find It...
So tomorrow begins part two of this journey and already things could be going unlike how we planned. Should this surprise me? No - nothing in this journey has gone the way we have thought. So this should be nothing new. But, for pete's sake, not even my first appointment, only to learn we may not be able to start treatments tomorrow. When I first heard this, there wasn't as much disappointment as I probably would've had four months ago, but I also haven't given up hope on this month yet either.
I am learning to trust God and His timing more completely than I used to. As I was driving home tonight, praying to God for strength as our journey starts back up again, I heard a beautiful song, "Help Me Find It." It was a song about giving it all to God. It was a song about letting go. It was a song all about trust. I know whatever news we get tomorrow, it is the news God has planned for us. There is still a hope that tomorrow we get the okay to move forward with this month. And if not, I will trust God to help me find whatever His will.
I am learning to trust God and His timing more completely than I used to. As I was driving home tonight, praying to God for strength as our journey starts back up again, I heard a beautiful song, "Help Me Find It." It was a song about giving it all to God. It was a song about letting go. It was a song all about trust. I know whatever news we get tomorrow, it is the news God has planned for us. There is still a hope that tomorrow we get the okay to move forward with this month. And if not, I will trust God to help me find whatever His will.
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| Whatever your will...help us find it |
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Spring has Sprung
"Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come." Robert H. SchullerToday I am sitting on my back porch, enjoying the cool spring sunshine, reading and relaxing. As I was enjoying one of our first true spring days, I began to think of you (as I often do). I began to think about the hope and rejuvenation that is brought by the end of winter and start of spring. Just a week ago, the world seemed like a drab, cold, depressing place. Today, flowers are blooming, birds chirping, and life has begun again.
Maybe there is a reason we couldn't start treatments until now. I find it kind of beautiful that we are starting this back up with the start of spring. I look at the new life all around me and can't help but think, maybe this is the time for your life to begin too.
I am glad to see the winter has finally ended. I am glad for the beauty of spring. I am hopeful for what the future holds for our sweet family. I will hold on to this hope until I am holding you, my heart.
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| “The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.” |
Friday, April 5, 2013
2nd Time Around
Nearly four months ago to the day, we decided we needed a moment to regroup and refocus. We decided to take a break from the needles and pills and mood swings. At first, I was hesitant with this decision. I felt like we had no time to stop, I needed you and I needed you now.
When I finally agreed to the break, January was my deadline. Two months MAX and then back into the swing of things.
Well, here we are, almost doubled my "max" time off and I must say, it was an absolutely wonderful decision. Reasons why this break was needed:
1.) Time to cleanse my body of all the chemicals I'd poured in from August to November
2.) Time to cleanse my head of all the negativity
3.) Time to focus on finishing up my National Boards and school work (which paid off...I was just named Teacher of the Year!)
This week I was able to travel to Florida, enjoy some quiet time with my parents, soak up some sun, and get ready to jump back into the swing of things with both feet. I know fertility treatment will never be easy, but at least this time I know what to expect. I know there will be great ups and downs, but I know God has a plan for us. I pray someday soon you are in my arms, sweet baby.
When I finally agreed to the break, January was my deadline. Two months MAX and then back into the swing of things.
Well, here we are, almost doubled my "max" time off and I must say, it was an absolutely wonderful decision. Reasons why this break was needed:
1.) Time to cleanse my body of all the chemicals I'd poured in from August to November
2.) Time to cleanse my head of all the negativity
3.) Time to focus on finishing up my National Boards and school work (which paid off...I was just named Teacher of the Year!)
This week I was able to travel to Florida, enjoy some quiet time with my parents, soak up some sun, and get ready to jump back into the swing of things with both feet. I know fertility treatment will never be easy, but at least this time I know what to expect. I know there will be great ups and downs, but I know God has a plan for us. I pray someday soon you are in my arms, sweet baby.
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| "A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, but a woman of strength knows it is in the journey where she will become strong." ~Unknown~ |
Thursday, April 4, 2013
24 weeks
Twenty some weeks ago we had our first attempt at IUI. Twenty some weeks ago we waited, for what seemed like an eternity, to see if our prayers had been answered. Twenty some weeks ago I entered my information into a website just sure that we were pregnant. We had to be.
Here we are, twenty some weeks later and I got onto that same website to look something up. On the front page read, "Congratulations, you are now 24 weeks pregnant." It continued with a picture of "my" baby in the womb, followed by facts about what "my" baby could now do, how big it was, and which organs were fully developed. Everything a truly pregnant woman would gush over reading.
While I trust that twenty some weeks ago wasn't God's time for you, I can't help but feel a little sadness from this terrible reminder. So, I decided to delete it. The website would not make this an easy task.
"Would you like to delete this child completely from your profile?"
Hmmm, would I like to? Absolutely not! I would love for this child to be real. But I clicked yes.
"Do you need help with miscarriage grief?"
At this point I was ready to chuck my phone out the window! What I need is to just make this "pregnancy" disappear without the need to be reminded that I am in fact not pregnant. What I need is the help of grieving something I never even had.
Finally, it was gone. No more questions. No more reminders on the screen at least, but how would I delete these reminders from my heart? It's funny how sad I can still get over a pregnancy that never was. Again, I truly and completely trust God's plan for us. But sometimes it still hurts that you aren't ours yet. Next week we more actively start up this journey again. I will hold on to the hope that someday soon you will be in our arms. I just can't wait to show you how much you are so very loved.
Here we are, twenty some weeks later and I got onto that same website to look something up. On the front page read, "Congratulations, you are now 24 weeks pregnant." It continued with a picture of "my" baby in the womb, followed by facts about what "my" baby could now do, how big it was, and which organs were fully developed. Everything a truly pregnant woman would gush over reading.
While I trust that twenty some weeks ago wasn't God's time for you, I can't help but feel a little sadness from this terrible reminder. So, I decided to delete it. The website would not make this an easy task.
"Would you like to delete this child completely from your profile?"
Hmmm, would I like to? Absolutely not! I would love for this child to be real. But I clicked yes.
"Do you need help with miscarriage grief?"
At this point I was ready to chuck my phone out the window! What I need is to just make this "pregnancy" disappear without the need to be reminded that I am in fact not pregnant. What I need is the help of grieving something I never even had.
Finally, it was gone. No more questions. No more reminders on the screen at least, but how would I delete these reminders from my heart? It's funny how sad I can still get over a pregnancy that never was. Again, I truly and completely trust God's plan for us. But sometimes it still hurts that you aren't ours yet. Next week we more actively start up this journey again. I will hold on to the hope that someday soon you will be in our arms. I just can't wait to show you how much you are so very loved.
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