24 weeks

Twenty some weeks ago we had our first attempt at IUI. Twenty some weeks ago we waited, for what seemed like an eternity, to see if our prayers had been answered. Twenty some weeks ago I entered my information into a website just sure that we were pregnant. We had to be.

Here we are, twenty some weeks later and I got onto that same website to look something up. On the front page read, "Congratulations, you are now 24 weeks pregnant." It continued with a picture of "my" baby in the womb, followed by facts about what "my" baby could now do, how big it was, and which organs were fully developed. Everything a truly pregnant woman would gush over reading.

While I trust that twenty some weeks ago wasn't God's time for you, I can't help but feel a little sadness from this terrible reminder. So, I decided to delete it. The website would not make this an easy task.

"Would you like to delete this child completely from your profile?"

Hmmm, would I like to? Absolutely not! I would love for this child to be real. But I clicked yes.

"Do you need help with miscarriage grief?"

At this point I was ready to chuck my phone out the window! What I need is to just make this "pregnancy" disappear without the need to be reminded that I am in fact not pregnant. What I need is the help of grieving something I never even had.

Finally, it was gone. No more questions. No more reminders on the screen at least, but how would I delete these reminders from my heart? It's funny how sad I can still get over a pregnancy that never was. Again, I truly and completely trust God's plan for us. But sometimes it still hurts that you aren't ours yet. Next week we more actively start up this journey again. I will hold on to the hope that someday soon you will be in our arms. I just can't wait to show you how much you are so very loved.