Double Trouble

Last night I had another one of my favorite dreams...of you!! Except it wasn't just one of you, it was two of you! I think this is partly due to the fact that on Monday we will finally have our first ultrasound. I hope to hear a heartbeat, but even more so, we should find out how many of you there are. Some people are hoping for twins, others think triplets, and a few have teased me about hoping for quadruplets. In all honesty, I don't care how many there are. I just want to hear your precious heartbeat and I want to know that all is well.

Last night, I had the chance to bring you both home from the hospital and then took you guys on a road trip (not very realistic, I know). As always, you were both so perfect. You were beautiful, happy, content little babies. 

I just love these dreams. I will treasure each of them until I am finally holding you in my arms!! I love you already!

Nighttime Nausea

Well, when I first started my progesterone, I had awful nausea, but around week four, it slowed back down and seemed to die I away. I was very grateful for this brief respite, but halfway through week five and it was back.

Saturday night was just awful. But all along, I said I would be grateful if we ever got to experience this. And so, as much as I loathe being nauseous / throwing up, I am grateful for these symptoms because they are confirmation that we are in fact pregnant! (Wow, still so surreal to say that!) While leaning over the toilet last night, Keal rubbed my back, "Anything I can do?" I shook my head no, looked up at him (probably looking so sickly and pathetic), and said, "I'm so happy we're pregnant!"

And so, we continue on this journey to you, one day at a time. I am so thankful for the patience Keal has had with me and how helpful he has been. Sunday, I ended up being just as sick as last night. We tried going to church, but I have been plastered to my bed all day. Keal has cleaned, done laundry, worked in the yard, tried to get me to eat, you name it, he's done it! And as if this wasn't enough, after doing all the chores, he walked into the living room carrying a vase of flowers, "I may not always buy you flowers, but I can grow them for you," and set beautiful fresh flowers from our yard down in front of me! 

Luckily, the nauseousness has calmed down a bit. It's now more of a state of queasiness, which I can handle. The only real downside is I have almost no appetite. But, I'll take that over sleeping on the bathroom floor again! I was trying to be healthy, but it turns out fruits and veggies have me ready to vomit. Sadly, these are about the only things that sound good to me right now:

So, through the vomiting and nausea, through the growing pains of pregnancy, I thank God for this opportunity He has given us. I thank Him for giving me a husband to help me through this journey as well. As much as I am anxiously awaiting meeting you, sweet one, I am excited for this next part of our journey of just being pregnant. One final challenge we excitedly and willingly accept until we meet you!                  

Waiting and Wishing

I survived the two week wait like a champ. It flew by for me.

Today, was a different story though. Monday we went for our initial round of testing -- another pregnancy test and blood work.

On Monday, as my sweet nurse got ready to draw my blood, she leaned in and whispered, "Well, did you test early?" I gave her a nod. "And what did it say?" she asked eagerly. I gave her a little wink and smiled, "Pregnant." She was grinning so big for us, "I just knew it! You've been glowing since the moment you walked in!"

So, she drew my blood, we met with our doctor, talked about some general do's and don't's, and scheduled our next blood work and first ultra sound.

That was the easy part.

Now came the waiting. Again.

Later that evening, our doctor called to let us know the results of the blood work. "Typically, we want to see numbers around 100. Yours came back at 542. This is wonderful news, Courtney. I am so happy for you. Now we'll see you back on Wednesday and hope that these numbers close to doubled. We want to see some growth."

So, Keal and I enjoyed an evening together in celebration! We had my Teacher of the Year Reception first (which was where I got the phone call!), followed by an evening at dinner, and ending with a night on our patio relaxing. It was a perfect day!

Tuesday kept me occupied with our school's annual zoo field trip. My mind was too busy to worry about Wednesday's blood work.

But Wednesday was agonizingly long!! I ran to the doctor in the middle of the school day and set what has to be a new record: in and out of the office in four minutes! "Okay, we will call you between 3 and 5," my nurse let me know as I headed out. I nodded and thanked her. But what I wanted to say was, "What kind of window is that?! I'm going to be sitting by the phone, sick to my stomach for two hours?! You need to call me at 2:59 lady!!"

The day just dragged by. I felt like I could hear the minute hand tick with each passing second. But finally, at 3:41 my phone rang and sent me jumping off the couch! I think I stared at it for a good ten seconds, debating whether or not I should even answer it.

When I answered, I was surprised that it wasn't my doctor's voice, but the nurse's voice. (Of course, now I realize of course this would mean good news, the doctor would call if it were bad news. But my frantic, stressed brain did not realize this then.)

"Okay Courtney, I'm calling to tell you the reports of your blood work today."
Sarcastic thought: I know. What is it?! Let's get to the important part.

"Well, the progesterone levels aren't back yet, but the hcg levels are. Those are the ones we really want to look at today."
Sarcastic thought: I know, they needed to double. What are they?!

"Well, they did increase..." dramatic pause.
And?!?!?

"They are now at 1,253. This is an excellent sign!"
 Instant tears!!

I could not believe it. I have felt so different this time around. I just knew this was working. But, until I had that feeling confirmed, there was still a part of me that was apprehensive. There was still a part of me that needed to hear those words said, that this pregnancy is growing and moving in the right direction.

After hanging up, I could finally celebrate our pregnancy. For the first time, I sobbed! This is it, Little One. Our prayers have been answered. I am pregnant. Wow, so incredibly surreal. I am already beyond grateful that God has answered our prayers and that we will finally become parents. I am humbled to be given this opportunity. I already feel the weight of the world! You are already so special and I feel like I need to use my life to shout God's goodness! Thank you Lord, for rescuing us, for hearing our cries, and granting us this perfect gift! I, am going to be a mother! 

The Day My Life Changed

To my readers: we are keeping this private until we are out of the first trimester. But we wanted to share our wonderful news with those of you who have prayed so hard for us, been with us every step throughout this journey, and have been so close to us. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013.

5:23 AM.

After the transfer, Keal and I decided that I was going to take a test on Sunday, the day before our appointment. That way - good or bad - we would know the results in the privacy of our own home. I had made it through the two week wait much easier than I anticipated. It really did go much faster (nothing like the two week wait back in November, that was just torture!). But Saturday. Oh my, yesterday was the longest day of my life! I tried to will it to Sunday morning, but the time just wouldn't pass!

Around 3:30 this morning, I woke up. I strongly considered taking a test this early (they say it's best to test with your first pee of the day), but pushed away the urge. Instead, I used this moment of restlessness to have a beautiful conversation with God. Before I knew it, I had fallen back asleep.

Not two hours later had I woken up again...this time really having to go to the bathroom. So, I did. I took the longest walk of my life (maybe seven steps) to the bathroom. My heart raced with each step, I felt like I'd never get there.

Then, I took a test out of the box (I had removed the plastic wrap from the box the night before, anticipating that I'd be too nervous in the morning. This turned out to be brilliance because I was a shaky mess!!). Hands still shaking, I tried to rip the individual package. Finally, it was open.

Here it was. The moment I had been waiting for.

Let me preface this next part by saying, I am now an EXPERT at failing these types of tests. The first year of our journey, I was made to start every day with an ovulation test. And every single morning, I got to read the negative sign. It was such a hard and depressing way to start each day with the reminder that, "Nope. Your body still isn't working. You still won't get pregnant." I had never gotten a positive reading. And pregnancy tests, good grief, how many of those had I taken?! Before I knew we were (shhh...) infertile, I probably took one every month. Every month my period was late and every month I thought, Surly this is it! This is our month! And every month, I had a terrible "not pregnant" staring me back in the face.

I knew how to fail.

I knew the pain of those words, "not pregnant." But to get a positive test? That I had no idea how to process or what to do.

So, there I was, hands shaking, ready to take this test. I finished, placed it on the counter, and saw the hour glass blinking back at me. This was it. This was the moment I had been waiting for...these next three minutes were going to crawl by! But it wasn't three minutes, it was the fastest a test had ever come back for me. I stared at the results, mouth open, frozen in my bathroom. I stared at it again, this time touching it just slightly, making sure it was really real.

 

I always wondered how I would tell Keal when this day finally came. I wanted to make it special for him, this big huge production of some sort. Ha! Let me tell you, I have waited too long for this day to hold out on him and tell him in some grandiose way! So, with tears in my eyes I walked back to our bed where the poor guy was sleeping, oblivious to all that had just happened in the last three minutes. Oblivious to the fact that his life had already changed without him even knowing it! Without having to say anything, he woke up as I stood over him and saw I had tears in my eyes, "What? What did it say?!" I grinned, turned on the light, and laid the test on the bed. He squinted, read the test, and looked back at me with the biggest, sleepiest grin I had ever seen. We locked eyes and just kind of froze for a moment. Until, "Well come here!!" he said, pulled me into his arms and giving me a huge hug. We laid there, hugging, my heart racing, as I was still in shock.

All these years. All the fears and tears. All the prayers. All the pain (physical and emotional). In that instant, it all became worth it. Everything was instantly forgotten because in that moment, I knew I had you. God has heard our prayers, Little One. All my life I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother. And today, May 19 that prayer was answered. In nine months, you are going to make me a mother. From here on out, my life will never be the same. The weight of that one word, "pregnant," on that test is unlike anything I've ever experienced. I've waited so long for this day and I just don't have the words to express the joy I have in my heart. What a beautiful way to start my Sunday morning in praise and in conversation with God, thanking Him for this miracle! Incredible.

Faithfully Optimistic

Well, today is the day. We go back for our follow-up appointment. The two week wait is over! Well. Sort of.

Today, we will take a pregnancy test and do blood work. We will know sweet miracle if you are on your way. Unfortunately though, there is still a risk of a chemical pregnancy -- meaning the embryo implanted, but didn't continue to grow. Blood work and a pregnancy test would show a positive in this case, even though we wouldn't truly be pregnant.

So, today is a step in the right direction, but we still have another long wait ahead of us before we know for sure that you are on your way! If today's results come back positive, we will have several appointments over the next week or two. Each time, they will closely monitor my levels, making sure they are increasing like a normal pregnancy. Then, if all goes well, in a few weeks we will have an ultrasound to see where you have implanted.

In my heart, I know this had to work. You have to be on your way. I can just feel it. And so while we go in to today's appointment faithfully knowing we will receive good news, we still have another long wait before we officially know that this miracle has happened.

Reasons Why My Hubby's the Best

I really expected to be a puddle of emotions during the dreaded two period wait. I don't like to brag, but by George, I'm gonna! I have not shed one stressed out / emotional tear during this waiting period. I'm really in a great place mentally.

Now physically, that's a different story.  I am a sick mess! Which brings me to today's post - my husband is amazing!

Since the retrieval (two weeks ago tomorrow), I have really been such a bum. I just can't do much of anything and it's killing me!

Keal has not always been the most nurturing over the years, but that has completely changed through this journey. He has been just amazing and I am one lucky gal to have him!

So here we go, reasons why he's the best:

1.) Has cooked dinner for me almost every night that our mom's didn't provide it for us

2.) Has made countless trips up the stairs to get whatever it is I need. 

3.) Makes sure I have what I need at all hours

4.) Tries to keep me as comfortable as possible (which included bringing me a mattress downstairs while on bed rest)

5.) Worries for me over every little symptom and forces me to call the doctor

6.) Picks up my medicine when it's too far or exhausting for me to go

7.) Has picked up my slack and done a great job of taking care of the inside and outside of our house

8.) Tickles my head and back when nausea / pain is too great and that's all that's left to do

9.) Prays for me and for you more than daily!

10.) Believes completely that you are on your way and is maybe more excited about our doctor appointment than I am

11.) Loves me despite my moaning and groaning!

I've said it before, but only because it is so true, there is not a more perfect man for me in this world. I am beyond blessed to have found and married Keal. He is one of the hardest working, selfless man I have ever met and God gave him to me! Little One, consider yourself blessed too because you have one special Dad waiting for you!

The Good vs The Ugly

I am trying so hard to remain positive. I really am. But there are so many physical factors that are trying to bring me down. 

Reasons why I should be discouraged:

1. Cramps are now so bad, I can hardly even walk. Good thing my job doesn't require that. Oh that's right, I do nothing but stand & walk all day. 

2. Nausea. Nausea. Nausea. Enough said. 

3. Headaches and hot flashes!

4. Even though these are common early signs of pregnancy, they are also just terrible side effects from these silly drugs. So I can't even get excited for these effects yet. But don't worry, once we hear we are pregnant, I will take these awful side effects on with a smile! Till then....I may mumble just a bit!

Reasons why I should stay positive:

1. I could already be carrying my first child

2. I have God on my side

3. Only 11 more days of school - push through the pain until then! Then I can be sick and miserable all summer long, if need be!

The waiting really hasn't been as torturous as I anticipated. I think because I am so faithful this time around. I really have given it all to God at this point. Today marks one week since our transfer. We almost have our answer, Little One. I just keep picturing your sweet face from my dream - that's all the hope I need ❤

Happy (sigh) Mother's Day

"Mother's day for infertile women is like Valentine's day for single women....but way worse."

This is the quote I saw online this week. And I have to say, for the past two Mother Day's, I couldn't agree more. I loathe Mother's Day. There are so many landmarks that remind me we still don't have you. When we first started trying, I had read to go to the dentist beforehand. That was five trips to the dentist ago - each one still a painful reminder we don't have you. Any holiday is a reminder that you should be here. Every period is a slap in the face. But Mother's Day takes the cake. All my life I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother and at times on this journey it has seemed like my dream would never come true. 

But this Mother's Day is a little different. Still painful? Yes, selfishly it is a little painful. But this year I don't find myself in a state of self-pitying sobbing. This year I am continuing to hold on to my hope and my faith that you will soon be here. I know I am not a mother yet, but I do know that already I love you so much. I have already sacrificed a lot to be given the miracle of you and cannot wait until all these sacrifices pay off. 

Last night, I received the greatest gift ever imaginable....another dream of you! In the past, my dreams of you have always been very short snippets. Last night was a wonderful gem that was much longer than usual with a lot of great details. I first dreamt of finding out we were pregnant (with triplets?! Eek - I hope that's not a sign!!). Then I dreamt of the labor and delivery of you (just one of you at this point!). And then, I dreamt of bringing you home and taking care of you. It was one of the best dreams I've ever had. You were perfect. You already had this fabulous little personality. You were snuggly and cuddly. You smiled so much. You were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Perfection. Just absolute perfection. When I woke up, I wasn't sad that it was just a dream or that it was over. I woke up so happy knowing that I have this beautiful memory to hold on to until I finally meet you. 

So, this Mother's Day is another one that will come and go without you. But this Mother's Day is not one of complete sadness. This Mother's Day I am so thankful for my own mother. She has taught me so much in my life. She has been a role model through the years. She has shown me how I one day hope to mother my own children. She has been a friend I could turn to for anything. She has seen me at my highest, she has seen me at my lowest, and through it all loves me unconditionally. I have been so blessed with the perfect mother for me. I hope one day, Little One, you can say the same of me. 

Overwhelming Gratitude

Well, at 1:30 PM today, my bed rest officially ended. I did a jig, ran around the block, cleaned the house, and went to town....okay not quite, but I did leave the living room for the second time since Monday! And boy did I feel like I was living it up!

I enjoyed a quiet afternoon on the patio, relaxing in the sun, and reflecting on all that has taken place over the past two weeks. I had been warned about how emotional and stressful this period of waiting was going to be (and I don't want to get ahead of myself, because the waiting has really just begun), but for now, I am so grateful for the strength I have felt in this week.

I have not felt discouraged. I have not felt worried or anxious. I have not felt stressed. I have felt such a peace. I have such a faith in what is happening in our lives right now. I am turning this few week waiting period over to God and trusting Him completely.

I know that this attitude and feeling is not of my own. I attribute it all to God and to all of the Aaron's in my life, holding my arms up through this journey. I am so touched and overwhelmed by the love and support Keal and I have felt over the past two weeks. We have received countless phone calls and texts, thoughtful cards and gifts, encouraging words and lyrics, dinners brought and cooked for us, visitors to keep me company, and innumerable prayers. I am so humbled and grateful for every single visit, text, call, card....everything. There are so many wonderful people in my life that are carrying us along on this journey to you. There are so many wonderful people lifting up our names to the Lord. And while I know they have been here all along, I can so feel the power of these prayers even more so this week. I can't wait to welcome you into this world, Little One!

"My soul longs for the day when I see the answer to the prayer I’ve prayed. And it’ll all be worth the wait. Waitin’ on a miracle."

Bed Rest

Well, today begins my second full day of bed rest, but really I've been laying down for a full week now!! The retrieval was so hard on my body, that I was truly down from last Wednesday through Saturday. Sunday, I was still in pain, but made it to church and my parents' house (where I still basically stayed on the couch all day). Monday, before the transfer, I was a busy bee...doing laundry, dishes, whatever I could before my imprisonment began.

It really hasn't been that bad. It's just knowing I'm not supposed to do anything makes me want to do everything! Here is the long list of things I should be doing during this time:

1. Studying for Saturday's test
2. Grading my students' writing for their portfolios
3. Studying for Saturday's test
4. Grading math tests
5. Studying for Saturday's test
6. Grading math responses for portfolios
7. Studying for Saturday's test
8. Progress reports
9. Studying for Saturday's test
10. Reading my new books
11. Studying for Saturday's test

Instead, I am:

1. Thinking about how badly I want to walk upstairs
2. Texting my husband ridiculous pictures I found on the web
3. Checking Facebook, Pinterest, and Instagram an obscenely amount of times a day
4. Searching Youtube
5. Constantly checking email (nope, still nothing new)
6. Watching TV / movies
7. Eating
8. Playing way too many games on my iPad

Okay, I haven't been that bad...I have studied a little today already and I did knock out the progress reports, but, I do need to get going today! Only two more days...I think I can, I think I can!

bed rest buddies!

Hopefully Waiting

What a beautiful, exciting, emotional, hopeful day.

I thought I was good and ready to go. But let's first set the stage as to how nervous / anxious I really was beforehand. At 12:30, I was to take a Xanax to help calm my nerves before this procedure. At 12:31, sitting in the front seat of my parents' car, I took a swig of my Gatorade and threw the pill back. At least that was my plan. I threw that pill so far back and so completely far away from not just my mouth, but my entire head too! Gone. It fell underneath the seat. I mean really. Who does that?! So, the calm collected person I am, went into full panic. Lucky for me, my dad (the ever calming force) came to the rescue and found the tiny pill under my seat. So, at 12:33 I took the magic pill. At about, oh 12:45, I was starting to feel good.

Keal, my mom, dad, and I all arrived at the doctor's office right on time. I have had plenty of moments of breakdowns throughout this journey. There have been countless doctor appointments where I have left completely devastated. Countless car rides home have been done in hysterical sobbing. But I have always kept it together inside the office. I don't know why, but I always feel like I need to be strong once I'm there. Today was the exception.

We had been joking around and just casually talking in the waiting room, when Keal said, "Yep. They're gonna transfer the eggs." I quickly corrected him, "Embryos. They're more than eggs now! They are transferring life into my body today." And as I uttered those words, I immediately teared up with the power and weight of those words. I couldn't help but to be overcome with emotion in that waiting room. I rested  my head on Keal's shoulder, my rock, and prayed a quick and silent prayer.

Before I knew it, we were being whisked back to the same room as last Wednesday. Again, I got to sport my fancy gown and slippers. When I came out of the bathroom from changing, I saw Keal modeling his own scrubs and slippers. I felt such a peace! We had hoped he would be joining me, but weren't quite sure.

After we were both prepped and ready, we saw pictures of our fifteen embryos. Incredible. Five had not quite developed correctly. But the others were looking good...two specifically looked great. So, we agreed that they were the two we'd transfer. The rest, they'll watch for one more day and then freeze for a later date (because we know this round is going to take! But hey, some day you are going to need a brother or sister!).

From there, we walked back to the procedure room (a little dizzily....gotta love that Xanax!). Both of my doctors helped get me situated and before I knew it, it was over! Keal held my hand the entire time, as we locked eyes throughout it all, praying for our sweet miracle. It was such a tender, beautiful moment we shared. Completely united together as a couple and a family.

After an easy, practically painless, procedure, we then got to spend 30 quiet minutes alone. There was no one significant moment during this period, but just being next to Keal, holding his hand, knowing of the hope that waits before us, was powerful. At one point he kissed my hand, as I whispered yet another silent prayer. He rubbed my belly and talked to our precious embryos, encouraging them to grow and implant. The joy and hope felt in this moment was so wonderful. There is not a more perfect man in the world for me to be taking this journey alongside. I thank God daily for Keal in my life. He has been such a rock for me through it all.

And now Little One comes the hardest part of all. No, it's not the needles (I've champed that!). It's not the countless pills (bring on the side effects, I can take it). It's the waiting. It's the agonizing, day by day waiting of hearing that God has worked this miracle.

Today, starts my bed rest regiment, lasting all the way through Thursday (they snuck in one extra day of bed rest on me today!). I am probably the worst at this. I am a multi-tasker, busy bee, gotta always be moving type gal. So, to be stuck on my couch (they don't even want me doing my stairs!) for the next three full days, is going to definitely be a challenge. But, if I've done all I've done up to this point, I know I can do this too! I have scripture nearby, papers to grade, books to read, gadgets to play with, and oh yes, a giant test on Saturday to study for! So, I'm sure I can stay "busy" while keeping my body still. I have some great "nurses" taking care of me this week.

I keep reminding myself, "I'm waiting on You Lord. And I am peaceful. I am waiting on You, Lord. Thought it's  not easy, but faithfully, I will wait." I love you Little One, and pray that God is bringing you to us soon!

first meal my sweet hubby got me: my mom's homemade chicken and dumplings!

let the resting begin!

enjoying bed rest and keeping me company! great nurse!

Miracle Monday Take Two

Well, it was just one week ago today that we headed into our appointment expecting great things from God on our Miracle Monday. It was one week ago today that life changing decisions were having to be made at the spur of a moment. Life suddenly became a swirl and a typical 15 minute checkup became a 3 hour visit! It was one week ago today, that though things had not gone quite as planned, we had found God still with us on our Miracle Monday.

And here we are, one week, one surgery, twenty eggs retrieved, and fifteen embryos later...ready for our Miracle Monday, again! I know God is going to work this miracle, we just must have had Miracle Monday's switched up, that's all! We didn't realized God was going to need a couple Monday's for this great miracle. So here we are, Miracle Monday Take Two!

At the start of this journey, I had always said I didn't really want to have to go the route of IVF. Ever since I had been told I was infertile, I have felt an emptiness within me. Making a baby should be a beautiful act of love between a husband and a wife. The thought of "making a baby" in a doctor's office just broke my heart in the beginning. But at least with IUI, I could tell myself that there was still a chance that you were made by love. IVF seemed so much more calculated. So void of love.

Today, we go into the office to select the embryos we will transfer. My sweet miracle, God has already began forming you. In the beginning this seemed like a devastating thought to me. It's just not how it's supposed to be.

But I must say, as I await this appointment today, I realize how wrong I have been. Were you made the way most babies are made? No. There's no denying that. Your journey into life started a little different than most. But does that mean that you weren't made and born out of love? Absolutely not! You Little One, were made out of more love than maybe most sweet babies. You were made after years of prayers. You were made after years of sacrifice and tears. You my precious one, were made out of more love than you will ever know.

I thank God that our Miracle Monday is already upon us. I thank God that I can say with all faith believing, the end of this journey to you is in sight, and the start of a new and beautiful chapter is about to begin. I thank God that in just a few short (please go fast!) weeks we will hear wonderful news. I thank God, Little One, that you were made out of complete and pure love. I love you more than you know and can't wait until the day I finally wrap you in my arms.

Holy Bloated Belly, Batman!

I woke up this morning expecting to go to school today. This would allow me to get ready for the three days I'm missing next week, talk to my kids and generally explain what is going on, and make sure they are confident and ready to start state testing next week.

I woke up at five and slowly made my way to the bathroom. Well, that five step walk was just too draining. I was sprawled out on the bathroom floor, dizzy and in pain. School was impossible. I tossed around the idea of trying to go in for a half day or maybe just pop in for a half hour to talk to my kids. But it just isn't possible.

Today, I am plopped on the couch, heating pad on, trying not to move any bit of my poor, bloated belly! I did not really anticipate this type of pain today. In my mind, they had removed those twenty crazy follicles, today I'd be skipping through fields and having a cheery ole time. I had even texted my brother on Tuesday, telling him I'd be good to run again by Thursday. Ha! Instead, my body is trying to replenish all the fluids that were removed. My body thinks those twenty follicles are still there. Silly body. So, instead I'm all laid up in bed and on the couch today, trying to breathe through these cramps and continuing to take countless medications!

sheesh! that's a lot of drugs!

As I was laying here today, I was reading from Jesus Calling and reading some of the corresponding scripture. Here was today's message:

Living in dependence on Me is the way to enjoy abundant life. You are learning to appreciate tough times, because they amplify your awareness of My Presence...When you feel tired, you remember that I am your Strength; you take pleasure in leaning on Me. I am pleased by your tendency to turn to Me more and more frequently, especially when you are alone.

I loved this message, especially today! I have definitely learned to appreciate tough times through this journey. My relationship with the Lord has never been closer. And for this I am so thankful. Today has been a very difficult day physically, but I am thankful that I have a wonderful savior to lean on to get me through this. And through it all, I continue to remind myself, that you sweet one, are waiting for us at the end of this journey!

The Retrieval

I am so thankful for how perfectly everything went today. When we first arrived, we were brought straight back into the room where they would prep me for surgery. I immediately got to sport my fancy schmancy gown and slippers.

lookin' good

After that began a long list of yes / no questions that we had to answer. Our nurse was so incredibly kind and was so thorough in explaining everything that was going to happen. During her explanation, Keal was taken back to a separate room, so he missed the explanation of the day's process. When he returned, she was kind enough to go over the entire step-by-step process again for Keal's peace and comfort. (Which I was thankful for too because there was a lot of information to take in!)

After about 30 minutes of talking / waiting, Kit showed up. She herself gave me my IV and got me started on a couple "martinis" and "liquid hakuna matata's" as she called them. I instantly felt the effects! I was dizzy, loopy, and ready for a nice long nap.

IV in!

and already feeling good!

Just a few minutes later, we were ready to begin. Keal headed back to the waiting room, while I made the slow and dizzy walk back to the procedural room. There, I got on the table, got situated, and was fed the anesthesia that would put me to sleep. I was fearful it would take awhile, but all I remember is the burn of the medicine and then, I was OUT!

I woke up, back in the bed I started in, to see my mom and Keal smiling back at me. It was at this moment that we were given good news, after good news! They were able to retrieve twenty eggs!! They are all at different maturity, but this is a great starting point. Today, they will begin fertilizing those eggs and creating the embryos. Hopefully we will have a few great embryos to choose from.

This wasn't the end of the good news though! My body has calmed down some from all of the shots I have been taking. So, we got the okay to do the transfer on Monday! I was just ecstatic to hear such wonderful news today.

Now, I am tucked away, relaxing in bed, fighting off the pain and nausea. But as always, it is totally worth it to get to you, sweet one!

Little One

Before going into surgery, I asked if Keal would please add a post to our blog. What a beautifully honest letter he wrote. Little One, you have one special daddy waiting for you!!

May 1st
Morning of IVF egg retrieval.

Little One,
What a day of mixed emotions. The sun is shining with a warm 82 degrees. All of which is masked by the storm brewing in my mind, body, and spirit. I have feelings of excitement, nervousness, fear, anger, and joy. Hopefully today is the day the roller coaster starts applying its brakes to slowly come to a stop. Hopefully one day soon we can look back at our journey of ups and downs and think "that was hard but we did it". Bringing you, Little One into the world will be our greatest triumph.

Your momma is currently back in surgery, where I just got to admire her courage, elegance, and bravery that she exhibited. I hope you get those qualities from her. What she has gone through during this procedure has been remarkable. She loves you with all her heart, yet you don't even exist yet. Little One, we are waiting patiently for your arrival. Come quick so that we can share you with all the great people that have influenced and shaped us, so that they may help shape you too.

I love you Little One. And know that I will come to know you soon.
Dad

Before the Morning

The first song I heard when I woke up this morning was one I had heard countless times before. Today though, it was as if I had heard it for the first time. As with so many of "my" other songs, it was as if someone had written these lyrics for me.

I go into today with an open-heart, trusting God's plan for us. I know He is with us today and have felt His presence with us all morning. Following "Before the Morning," every other song on the radio this morning has been from my Let Faith Arise playlist. In that small gesture, He is whispering He loves us and is holding us close to Him today.

The song asks, "would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing 'cause the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming?" We absolutely dare to believe, little one! We will believe that this miracle is going to happen through all the ups and downs of this journey! We will "hold on, wait for the light." We will "press on" and "fight the good fight." We know that "the pain we've been feeling is just the dark before the morning." We are praying for that morning to arise!