What It Means to Be Loved

Tonight was the first time since campout that I felt sadness come over me, but I was able to shake it and made sure it didn't last too long. We were out to eat with Keal's family and Callie began sharing ideas for baby names. It didn't last long, it didn't dominate the conversation. It was just a quick comment. Then, after that, the smell of someone's fish dinner made her get sick and nauseous. And I know how crazy this sounds, but I was actually envious of her nausea! Okay, not of her nausea (because I absolutely hate being nauseous!), but of the fact that the smell was making her sick because she is pregnant. For that moment, I wanted to be the pregnant woman with the awful side-effects.

I leaned over and whispered to Keal, "Tell me something positive, please." And I don't know if he knew why (probably not), and he probably thought nothing of it, but he just leaned down and kissed my head. He held the kiss for just one extra moment though that made me think he knew why I need it, and whispered, "You're healthy."

After dinner Keal and I drove home in separate cars (we had met for dinner after work). I rolled down the windows and blasted my radio, praying for a song to snap me outta my funk. And while this song doesn't apply exactly to me and to you, the chorus surely hit the spot and snapped me outta it!

And she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

As I was belting this song out, I couldn't help but smile, I felt like I was singing to you. I wanna give you the world. I wanna hold your hand. I wanna be your mom for as long as I can. And I want live every moment until that day comes. I wanna show you what it means to be loved. So, yes, today I felt a little jealousy and a little sadness. But, I'm thankful for this song and thankful that I could shake the feeling fairly quickly. I know one day you will be mine and when that day comes I will show you what it means to be loved. But until then, I'm gonna live every moment!

True Love

Today Keal and I spent all afternoon and evening working together - it was wonderful! We have started a new project in our backyard - we are adding a covered roof to our back porch, extending the porch, and adding a fire pit. Today, we climbed up on the roof and hammered in a few extra nails. Once the roof was complete, we nailed a tarp down too! Slowly but surely it is coming together! It'll be a long project, but we are excited to enjoy it once it's finished. You will soon learn that we just love to spend spring, summer, and fall evenings (okay, nearly all year round!) out on the porch grilling and eating dinner. I am excited for you to join us in these meals....especially since we will have a shaded area for you to be happy under!

making progress!

I called this post true love because the major part of our evening was spent in the garage. Keal built six bookshelves for me and my classroom. I have been hinting at this for quite some time now, but I was still amazed that he would give up his entire evening to build shelves for my classroom! It was fun working side by side with him in the garage and neat to see the shelves come together (he is such a perfectionist, which means the shelves turned out beautifully!). They will look great in my classroom....another place I can't wait to bring you! I adore teaching and I look forward to all I have to teach you in this life. I look forward to bringing you up to the school in the summer and setting up my classroom with you.

hard at work!

a wonderful evening together!

There is so much waiting for you in this world and I can't wait to share it with you. But until then, I will continue rejoicing in our journey to you and continue enjoying all we experience along the way to you!

Sweet Dreams

Last night I dreamt that you were going to be in our lives very shortly. It was a quick, simple dream. I had taken a test (one only found in dreams!) that told me I would become pregnant with you that week. And that was all.

I don't think this was any major spiritual dream or any prophecy, but I am thankful for it! I do know you are soon going to be in our lives and not just apart of my dreams. I look forward to the day when I do take a test that tells me you will be joining our family! But until that day, I will continue praying for you and I will continue to be faithful that God is going to work this miracle. I will continue living my glorious, joyful life!

Washed by the Water

As you may have noticed, I really feel God talking to me through music. Whenever I need to feel God, He always shows himself to me through the most perfect songs. A favorite song of mine is Washed by the Water. It is a somewhat old song and rarely comes on the radio anymore. While driving today, I had the radio on for 10 minutes -- tops. And yet, I heard this song three times! I'd say God was talking to me today! Here are a few lyrics from the song:

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even when the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love
Turn around and crucify me
I won’t ever ever let you down
I won’t fall
I won’t fall
I won’t fall as long as you’re around me

How perfect these lyrics are for me and our journey to you -- no matter what is happening in my life around me, I must remember that I am washed by the water! No matter what struggles, what doubts, whatever, I have Christ in my life. I'm so thankful for the joy I have in my life! So thankful for the joy I have in this journey to you. I'm so thankful that I have maintained this faith and positive outlook on this journey to you for nearly a month now (this is a huge feat - it used to be such a daily up-and-down battle!). And I'm so thankful that even when the storms comes, I am washed by the water! It's another joy-filled day!

Feel Like I've Been Losin'

The title of this post is a little deceptive because it sounds negative, but really life is so great right now! There's a new song on the radio right now that I absolutely love: Feels Like I've Been Losin'. It is a song all about forgiveness and letting go of hurt. And while nothing has happened specifically this week, I feel like it speaks to some hurt I have felt from others throughout this journey to you.

Here are a few of the lyrics:

I feel such a healing listening to this song because it is so true to my own situation. "It's wearing out my heart the way they disregard...They don't know what they've been doin'."  I can't let the things people have done (or haven't done) get me down because, most likely, they don't even know what they're doing. And what's worse is that it wears on my heart - not their's. When I dwell and focus on all the negative and hurt, it just brings me down. And, as I learned on Sunday, the purpose of my life is to be joy-filled and to share that joy with others. I can't hold on to the hurts if I am to be a joyful soul for Christ. How powerful to be able to say, "Father give me grace to forgive them, cause I feel like the one losin." It's time to let go of offenses, to forgive, and to move on. Life is too short to get caught up in the small things. So, as I sing this song today, I let go of past hurt and pain, I ask God to forgive those who have hurt me, and I continue on this journey to you in joy and faith believing all things!

Joy!

Joy: The emotion evoked by well-being, success, good fortune; or by the prospect of possessing what one desires. The emotion of great delight caused by something exceptionally satisfying, creating keen pleasure or elation. The state of complete happiness or bliss.

Today in church, after being given this definition of joy, we studied several pieces of scripture that focused on joy. There were several incredible pieces of scripture as to why we should have joy. Thinking about our journey to you, I found two verses that really spoke to me and our situation.

II Nephi 2:24-26
"All things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things. Adam fell that men might be; and men are that they might have joy. And the messiah comes in the fullness of time, that He may redeem the children from the fall. And because they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever."

This has always been a life verse of my dad's, so when I saw that this was the first verse today, I didn't think much of it. "Men are that they might have joy." I know this. But then, the very first sentence was pointed out and we were told not to take it lightly. "All things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things." I knew this verse was highlighted in my Book of Mormon, but I decided to open it up just in case. Sure enough, verse 22, 23, and 25 were highlighted. But verse 24, the part that I found so powerful, had been left un-highlighted. How many times had I heard this verse? How many times had I scanned over this piece of "men are that they might have joy?" I found this verse so encouraging. No matter what, there is a reason for everything. And not only is there a reason, but it is done with purpose because God knows everything! There are no incidences in our life that get overlooked by God -- no matter how small. All things have been done in wisdom! And why have these things been done? So that men might have joy!! Are there situations in our life that trouble us or bring us discouragement? Sure. But God has a reason for these things. And in all things we are to have joy. We are to have joy because we have the Holy Ghost within us and because we live to serve a greater purpose than ourselves!

The second verse that really struck me was one of the last verses of the day.

John 16:23-24
"Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, He will give it to you. Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full."

This was such a wonderful reminder to me to hold onto the faith I have in the Lord. If we ask, it will be given to us. I know, without a doubt of worry, that one day God will give us you. And I know that we will receive you as a gift so that our joy may be full!

Not only was today's message a beautiful confirmation to one day meeting you, but it was a wonderful confirmation that we need to live daily in joy. There are things and moments in our lives that may rob us of our joy, but joy is something that we maintain. It is unlike happiness and sadness -- emotions that come and go. Joy is a state of being.

John 15:11
"These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full."

We have the Holy Ghost leading us day by day....moment by moment. We have Christ's joy within us! What a wonderful privilege He has given me to be a  messenger for Him. Contact I make with people on a daily basis may be the only opportunity they have to know of Christ's joy. I must make sure that I am evidence of that joy. I can't let daily struggles and burdens in my daily life get in the way of that full joy I have because of Christ.

Today I am so thankful for that full joy I have in Christ. I am thankful for an incredible blessed and beautiful life. And I am thankful for this journey to you. I am thankful for the promise from God to give us you so that our joy will be full!

Pure Joy!

Our God is Greater

Well, today was the day I had been dreading since May when I first heard I had to get this test done. Today was the day I had feared and worried about even more intensely since last Monday when I made the appointment. And today was the day when so many prayers were answered! Today was the day that we got one step closer to you!

I had made the mistake of reading, researching, and watching video clips of this procedure I was going to have done. I had heard: "worse than giving birth to twins without an epidural," or "I wouldn't wish this test on my worst enemy...definitely a 10 on the pain scale." So, I, of course, was petrified!

Well, I knew I had several things in my favor. I had God on my side and I had several people praying for me. When I was called back to waiting room #2, I was told Keal and my mom couldn't come back. At first, I was really upset about this, but I think it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Being on my own, I was forced to stay strong. I couldn't crumble and panic. I could do this.

When I got back to the room, I did have a moment of, "Okay, I change my mind. I'm leaving and not doing this." But the nurse and doctor were just remarkable. They were both so kind to me and were sure to explain everything that they were doing.

Now, I would be lying if I said it was a walk in the park. But...it really wasn't that bad at all! For most of the procedure, I was all smiles and chatting away with both the nurse and doctor. There were moments of pain, yes, but it really was nothing to be so worried and stressed about. (Isn't that always the case though when you have God with you! It always turns out fine.)

I had also read that this test is just as bad psychologically as it is physically. And, thank God, I found that to be oh so false too. I can see where people would feel that way. This is the first truly invasive, painful procedure in many fertility treatments and procedures.  It is the first true procedure that reminds you, I can't have a baby on my own and we have a long road ahead of us. However, I had none of that today! Instead, I left the hospital almost skipping with joy! This procedure was the next needed step to get to you. And so, I will willingly take those steps knowing that at the end of this journey is one of the greatest joys I will ever know.  It is you. And I am so thankful that I can make such a powerful statement because I know it is only because of my faith in God that I can say it so confidently.

And, that's not the best part! Aside from the test not being that bad at all, the results came back fine! No surgery will be needed and we are getting even closer to you. So, until that day, we will continue praying and patiently waiting until God is ready to give you to us! And we are so very excited for that wonderful day!

When Keal and I got into the car on the drive home, Our God is Greater, was playing on the radio. And aint that the truth! I truly believe that had I gone into this test alone, without my God, this day would have been much different. Whether more painful, whether more depressing, whether negative results, or a combination of all three I don't know. And frankly, I don't care. But all I know is that this day was just perfect all because my God is greater!!

Thankful for Thunderstorms

So, my mind has been reeling with some anxiety and nerves. Monday is my appointment at a hospital for a test I have been dreading. The days to Monday seem to be inching by when really, I'd love for them to just fly by so we can get this over with! I could have very easily spent my entire Saturday playing the "I wonder..." game, making myself sick with worry. Instead, yesterday was an absolutely perfect day filled with absolutely nothing! Keal and I spent the day just being together...from napping to movie marathons, brownie baking and game playing. We don't often just relax...just the two of us together. Lucky for me, Saturday was filled with thunderstorms, forcing Keal to cancel his plans to work in the yard. If you ask me, it was the most perfect way to spend a Saturday with my best friend.

As we fell asleep last night we were both feeling a little restless (okay mainly me....my nap was way too long and I was wide awake!). So (and he'd probably kill me for repeating this!) we laid in bed singing to each other : ) We rotated church songs and hymns we like and want you to know! I've already requested two that he sing to you as you fall asleep each night (two my dad used to sing to me) and so he practiced singing them to me. It was such a perfectly peaceful way to end such a perfect day!

So, I am thankful for thunderstorms because they allowed us to spend a Saturday together. I am thankful for such a fun and happy marriage. I am thankful for these small, silly moments we are enjoying together on this journey to you. What another glorious day in my truly glorious life! Thank you God!

This is Where the Healing Begins

Throughout this journey there have been moments where I have felt hurt by others not seeming to care about all we are going through. Before leaving for campout there had been some miscommunications and my sister-in-law thought I was mad at her. Instead of holding my family accountable for things they may not have even realized they had done, I decided to write her a letter.

Dear Callie,
 I wanted to write you because I feel like you've heard from everyone (whether your mom or Keal), but me and I feel like it'd be best if you did hear it from me.

First and foremost, congratulations! We are so excited for you and Matt. I can't wait to meet my new niece or nephew!

Secondly, I was never mad at you. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous at first, but I was never mad at you. The week I saw you at the game was probably one of the worst I've ever had. I had never felt so angry, discouraged, and depressed. I knew at the end of the week I'd see you Sunday at the reunion. So while working through my own problems, I also was preparing myself to see and congratulate you on Sunday.

When you showed up to the game Thursday, I was taken aback. I hadn't prepared myself or expected to see you. I'm sorry if I was acting mad / distant with you. I was crying at drop of a hat that day. I didn't want to upset you or you think I was crying because of you. So, I just steered clear. It had nothing to do with you. It was because of my own pain and discouragement with our own difficulties.

Finally, I want you to know I don't mind if you ever want to ask me questions / bring up all that Keal and I are going through. Sometimes I feel like people don't know how to act around me and so they just figure ignore it and act like nothing's wrong. And honestly, that hurts worse because I feel like I'm going through all this pain and no one asks to see how I'm doing. I understand if you're uncomfortable talking to me about it. But sometimes, a generic "thinking of you" text means the world to me. It reminds me that I'm not alone and you guys haven't forgotten about me.

Anyway, I'm sorry if I have hurt you at all. I know we don't talk often, but I'm always here if you need a friend to chat with! I love you, Callie, and I'm blessed and grateful to have you as my sister. Again, congrats to you and Matt. Noah is such a testament to what wonderful parents you are -- Baby #2 is a lucky little guy!

So, we left for campout and I put the letter in the mail. While at campout, I received a text from her thanking me for the letter, apologizing for not asking about me, and letting me know that she and Matt think about us often. I felt such a peace and healing from that little text and would've been happy if that was the end of it.

But as I've said often before on here, God is amazing and doesn't stop at just one little blessing! After returning from campout I received another text from her asking about an upcoming procedure. We texted back and forth for awhile, ending with the decision that they'd be coming over for dinner this weekend!

Well, yesterday they came over and we had a wonderful evening. Callie and I were able to talk in greater detail about you and our journey to you. I was able to comfortably talk to her about her own pregnancy. We were able to just chat as if we always do this. And, I was even able to resist all temptation of jealousy. As much as I adore my nephew, I often get really sad around him, knowing that he is exactly what I want. This time was different. Last night I felt a peace, I felt happy for my sister and her family, and I felt confident knowing that one day this would be mine, but just not yet. Thank you God for helping me stay positive and faithful in you! Thank you God for this journey to our sweet little one! And thank you God for the healing I feel with Callie.

Pay It Forward

So, I'm halfway through my first week back to the real world after campout and I'm trying so hard to keep my new positive outlook on this journey to you. Today I had my first moment / test where I could've easily slipped into pity-party mode, but I fought the temptation off! I instead rejoiced in this journey and became prayerful that God would continue leading us to you.

I also decided to do a little reading tonight. I need to get better at drawing closer to God so that I can continue to stay strong in this journey. I can't pray that He keeps me strong and faithful and expect Him to do all the work. So, I decided in this time of positivity to thank Him by studying His word (that's another area to work one -- I can't just read when I'm feeling down and need help. I need to know and study His word in good and bad times.)

And wouldn't you know that our awesome God rewarded my small and insignificant efforts! I decided to start with 1 Corinthians 10 (since the verse that struck me Sunday came from this chapter). I began reading, highlighting, and enjoying a quiet evening on my back porch listening to some Christian music in the background. I found several verses that I loved and learned a lot tonight. But I finally came to the verse that I know God had just for me.

2 Corinthians 1: 3-4, 6
Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. And whether we be afflicted, it is four your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.

I do not find it a coincidence that this would be what I would read tonight. Leaving campout, I told myself my focus needs to be less about me and my pain in this journey to you and more about the glory of Jesus Christ.  

As I read this verse, I found myself shaking my head in agreement. Of course. I have to pay it forward! This journey to you is not in vain. This journey has so many purposes. I first think the purpose is to prove the power of Jesus Christ to Keal. But as I was reading this verse, I realized that this journey is so much bigger than our family of two! The comfort God has given us throughout this journey, and will continue to show us, is so that we can pay it forward! I have been comforted through this trying journey and I have felt the peace of Christ. But it cannot stop with my own peace of mind. I must now seek out those who are also in pain and in need of comfort. I must now share the love and comfort of our Lord and pass this gift on to others. It is so easy to get caught up in our own pain that we forget about a world that if full of others dying and in pain.

So, I will continue on this journey to you with my head held high. I will continue on this journey to you thankful for the comfort Christ has shown me. And I will continue on this journey to you and share that comfort I have felt with others in the world. Christ's love cannot stop at me - I must pay it forward!!

Happy Birthday 07.09.00

Twelve years ago, I began my walk and commitment with Christ. It's funny how it can seem like such a long time ago and yet just like yesterday all at once. I am so thankful for the life I have been given. Twelve years ago, I was just starting high school and hopeful for what life would hold for me. I am grateful for all of the experiences I have had and for the growth I have made in my spiritual life.

Sunday's message was "follow your senses." And while the message came from 1 Samuel, a verse was referenced from 1 Corinthians that really hit home for me and our journey to you.

1 Corinthians 10:13
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

This was such a comforting verse for me. God will not give us a challenge that is too difficult for us to handle. He gives us challenges that He knows we can bear. So, as I continue my walk with Christ, I will continue walking with my head held high. I will continue forward knowing that He is holding our hand through this life. I will continue living my glorious life and this wonderful journey to you.

Glorious Life

Today wrapped up our week at campout. We talked about keeping this momentum we regained at campout and staying more consistent. We talked about the importance of finding the glorious moments in our daily lives; that just changing your perspective the slightest can be all the difference and you will find the glorious things.

We then watched a fabulous clip from The Lion King to remind us to stay focused of our purpose:

"You see, He lives in you!"

"You have forgotten who are you and so you have forgotten me. Look inside yourself. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the circle of life."

"How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be."

"Remember who you are. You are my son. Remember who you are."

"Father. Don't leave me."

"Remember who you are."

So as I get ready to leave here, I will continue to look for those glorious things in my daily life. I will continue to have a glorious hope in things to come. And while I absolutely include you in that hope of things to come, I know there is even more to come as well. I feel rejuvenated from this week. I feel a complete peace with this journey to you. While I still think of you often, it is no longer with the longing sadness or pain. I now think of you with a glorious hope. I now think of that glorious day when we will finally meet you. I leave campout feeling healed and anew. I leave campout with a new perspective in which I will seek out those glorious moments in my daily life. I leave campout not being so focused on myself (and even on you) and what I don't have, but focused completely on Jesus Christ and what He has given me. I leave campout with a spirit of gratitude and pure thanks. I will remember who I am. I have an absolutely glorious life and I know that is only because of Christ.

Glorious Hope

Today was another spectacular day. Today was filled with hope, connecting on personal levels, and a continuing healing for me. Today I realized that I will continue to have hope that this journey will end with you, but that there is a bigger hope in this world. Jesus Christ is my hope and my purpose. I need to do a better job of serving Him and making Him proud. We saw another video presentation about the hope we have in serving a living God and the hope that we will one day meet Him in Heaven. It was such a powerful video to watch. I know that Christ is real. I know He will continue to do amazing things in Keal, mine, and one day your life. And I will continue to serve, praise, and keep my hope in my Savior!

A hope that Christ says this about each of us, "Perfect. They are all perfect."

Glorious Re-Birth

Today was day 2 of seminars and the theme was "glorious re-birth." Today was such a somber, healing day for me. We began by watching a beautiful video with some incredibly powerful pieces of scripture, pictures, and The David Crowder Band's, "How He Loves." It would've been enough for me, but that was only the beginning.

We then took a walk down to the fountain where we had our own rebirths. One-by-one we walked into the fountain where we had our own healings, cleansings, and rebirths! It was such a powerful experience for me. I truly felt washed of all fears and doubts.

To top off this beautiful morning, we all then gathered for a communion service. It was a spectacular and powerful experience and I truly feel faith-filled today. I can truly say, it is a glorious day!

Glorious Birth

Today kicked off seminars. Today we discussed four words: birth, life, death, and resurrection. We then applied these words to Christ and debated which word was most important.

The seminar ended with a beautiful slide show of faces young and old and baptisms while the song "Stay Gold," played. We must remember to stay gold in our daily walks. We must go back to that time of innocence and continue to stay clean in our walk. I cannot let this journey to you taint my outlook on life. I can't let this journey get me down. I can't let jealousy seep in and get me discouraged. Others may not have the same long journey that we have to you. But this journey will make us stronger, make us appreciate you more, and make our faith in God stronger. So until that glorious day when we meet you, I will continue trying to daily stay gold, I will continue thanking God for what we have, and I will continue to rejoice in the glorious days God gives us!

Glorious Day 1

Today was the kickoff to campout. This week's theme is "Glorious Day." Sunday's message really hit me. The Lord wants us to have a glorious day every day. Glorious days aren't conditional on what is going on in our every day lives - we have to choose to focus and serve God every day and make each day glorious!

This was a great wake-up call for me. I can't get caught up in the pain I sometimes feel in our journey to you. I need to keep my eye on the bigger picture. I need to continue serving God every day, thanking Him for what I have, and making each day glorious.