Brave

Today has been one of those down days. Today has been one of those days where I can't help but wonder why, can't seem to shake the anger or jealousy.

I heard this song today and instantly thought of you. "In the face of what I don't understand. My reason to be brave." This was not a journey anyone could have prepared for. This is not a journey we always understand. All we can do is trust that God's plan is much better than ours. All we can do is hold on to our faith and know you are waiting for us at the end of this journey. So though it is hard, you are my reason to be brave and we will continue on.

Wake up, wake up, the sun cannot wait for long.

Reach out, reach out before it fades away.

You will find the warmth when you surrender.

Smile into the fear and let it play.

You wanna run away, run away and you say that it can't be so.

You wanna look away, look away but you stay cause' it's all so close.

When you stand up and hold out your hand.

In the face of what I don't understand.

My reason to be brave.

Hold on, hold on, so strong, time just carries on.

And all that you thought was wrong is pure again.

You can't hide forever from the thunder.

Look into the storm and feel the rain.

Go on, go on...

You wanna run away, run away and you say that it can't be so.

You wanna look away, look away but you stay cause' it's all so close.

When you stand up and hold out your hand.

In the face of what I don't understand.

My reason to be brave.

Merry Christmas

Christmas is...
1.) A time to celebrate the birth and life of our living savior
2.) A time to spend with loved ones, celebrating all we have
3.) A time to reflect on another year
4.) A time of peace and love
5.) My most favorite holiday!

While I thought you would be here by now, I am finding myself still so thankful for much in my life. It would be easy to jump on the pity-party train, but there is too much goodness and joy in my life. I am sure there will be moments of difficulty today, but we are beyond blessed to be spending another Christmas with our wonderful family.

Today the morning started quiet, with our sweet family of two snuggled on the couch, sipping our coffee together. I took in the beauty of our home and the still moment this morning, knowing that perhaps this would be our last quiet Christmas morning; perhaps next year we will be that family of three. So, this morning I celebrate our quiet, restful morning. I celebrate my husband and our life. But most importantly, we celebrate our Savior!

Happy Birthday, Jesus and Merry Christmas!

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

It's is often said that before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. I really wish the people in my daily life could just walk one day in my shoes, even Keal doesn't really quite get what I go through on a daily basis.

We are less than two weeks away from Christmas and just the thought of it sends my heart racing. I really don't want to have to deal with it. I was supposed to have you by this Christmas, and worse case scenario, if we didn't have you, we'd be pregnant. So to have neither, it is just so hard to deal with right now.

Friday we got together with some of Keal's family. Being around the babies, their toys, and pregnant bellies is just too much for me to handle right now. So the thought of Christmas can truly almost give me a panic attack. I really wish I could just stay home this Christmas, keep my door closed, and pretend it's just another day.

It probably doesn't make sense to anyone. People want to say to stop thinking about myself, suck it up and deal with it. And I wish I could say, just walk one day in my shoes.

The Climb

This week has been somewhat difficult for me. I'm struggling with feelings of jealousy and sadness. I hate this feeling, but I just can't seem to shake it. I see pregnant women and feel jealous. I see precious babies and have to turn and look the other way. I want nothing to do with any of it ~ which is not me at all. I was always the person first to pick up a baby and play with them. I now find myself looking the other way and avoiding them at all costs.

I'm trying to shake the anger that seems to come with it too. Today, my sister-in-laws will be celebrating the joy of their little ones with their double baby shower. Today should be a day of happiness. And yet, I find myself so saddened. I can't help but think, "but this should be mine too." And I know one day it will be. But today, it hurts.

I have heard this song for the past four days every morning on the radio while driving. This song is over three years old, so the fact that it has randomly been on the radio four days in a row, I feel like it's been meant for me.

I keep trying to remind myself to enjoy "the climb." I can't keep getting so wrapped up in what we don't have; in how hard this journey can be, but instead I need to just keep climbing. I need to keep in mind that at the end of this journey to you, the climb and struggle to you is what is going to make it all worth it. The pain and tears are okay, but no matter what, I "just gotta keep goin', and I gotta be strong, just keep pushing on."

I won't give up on this journey to you, no matter how difficult some days may seem.

Bittersweet

Well, today has been a crazy, hectic, bittersweet day. And as crazy, stressful as it was at school, I was almost thankful for it because it kept my mind off feeling sad about this journey.

Today I should've been calling the doctor to make an appointment to start another month of treatment. Saturday I would've been starting the pills all over again, and Tuesday would have started yet another round of the shots.

My first feeling was sadness. Even though we knew the medications didn't work this month, there is always a piece of me that hopes that this could be our miracle month because I know that God is bigger than the medication. So, when I found out we weren't pregnant this month, I was first very sad. It can be challenging to stay positive when this journey feels so long and unending. But, I continue to hold fast to that hope. I know our miracle is waiting to happen.

After the initial sadness passed, I was really quite grateful to not be calling the doctor today. It is hard not to be so [negatively] wrapped up in this journey when your schedule revolves around the constant doctor's appointments, needles, and pills. The medications are all finally out of my body and I feel myself coming back. I'm not quite so mopey or focused on this journey. I'm not quite so snippety or agitated with everyone around me. I feel like me again.

So, though I was hesitant at first to take time off from the doctor's, I am already feeling grateful for this decision. I know God has a plan for us and we will trust Him and follow His guidance. We will patiently wait for you little one. And while waiting, we will continue to count all the blessings we have in our life. And who knows, maybe God is going to work this miracle without the need of doctor's at all. No matter what His plan, we will have faith and hope that He will work this miracle in our life.

A Moment to Catch our Breath

Well, today we were given some disappointing news.

The shots just aren't working this month.

Keal and I had some conversations prior to this appointment and had decided that if this month didn't work, we were going to just take some time off to catch our breaths. Life has seemed to be spinning pretty quickly out of control the past month or so. All within the last sixteen days, we have: found out we're not pregnant, started the daily shots (and did them for a solid week), and then found out it didn't work. That is a lot to process in just two weeks! Plus, work is getting stressful. The medication is taking its toll on me (physically and mentally). Right now, we just need to get back on our feet again.

So, we aren't giving up on you, little miracle. But we are going to get refreshed and refocused. December is just two days away and life will be hectic during the holiday season. I think if we added fertility treatments to the stress of the holidays, it would've just been madness. Keal and I can take this month to enjoy each other: no more medicine, no more constant doctor appointments, no more needles. Just a month or so for us.

The first time I heard this song, I was pulling into the parking garage of the doctor's office back in August. That was the day we found out we had to call off the shots and cancel IUI. I was so angry when I heard it because I just felt like it was confirmation that we would receive bad news that day - and we did. I heard this song again today, driving home from this appointment.

Our healing didn't come today. And yes it hurts. Yes, I'm feeling some sadness, anger, and confusion; I feel as if my life could so quickly fall apart. But through it all, as the song says, we will trust God always, knowing that He is working all things for our good. We will set our faith in who He is and know our healing will someday come.

Here's hoping this is the last one...pt 2

Well, it wasn't the last one....but today wasn't bad news either. So, I count it a good appointment.

The shots seem to be triggering some growth. Thankfully, at this point, it hasn't triggered too much growth either, like it did last time. However, there wasn't enough progress to say, yes, let's try IUI again. So, we keep at it, slow and steady. A few more shots this week, go back for yet another appointment, and we'll go from there.

Here's hoping this is the last one...

Today I head in for yet another check up. I have been trying to fight off the anger all weekend, but I think it is my defense mechanism. I know going into this appointment we could be told it worked too well. We could be told this just isn't going to work for us and IVF is the only route to go. So, in order to survive, I seem to get angry right before these nerve-racking appointments. I think it's my way of dealing with the disappointment before I am disappointed.

I know we will be parents some day. I know God is working this miracle in our lives. It's just been such a long, up-and-down journey to get there.

Here's hoping today was the last folistim shot!

Thanksgiving

I have been dreading today ever since we found out we weren't pregnant. Reasons why I was ready to just skip Thanksgiving:

1. I would be spending it with my pregnant sister-in-law.
2. When sharing what we were thankful for, I had planned on saying our miracle, and announce our pregnancy
3. I've slipped into a Debbie Downer state-of-mood, playing the pity-party game, "Oh poor me, there's nothing to be thankful for."
4. I was missing my family, who was out of town

I have to say though, today was not all bad.There were definitely moments of sadness, but even in my sadness, there is a lot to be thankful for.

This year, I am incredibly thankful for my marriage - probably even more than I have been in the past. This journey to you has been such a roller coaster ride for me personally, but also for our marriage. There have been so many different emotions and stresses along the way that Keal and I both process so differently. We have had such highs in this journey as a couple, and we have definitely hit rock bottom. Part of our challenge, is that we see it all. Our families get a glimpse of what we're going through, but Keal sees it all. He has seen me at my lowest, my angriest, and darkest places. And while this can add to the stress of the journey (it's tough to see each other at our ugliest), it has brought us closer together. No matter what, we are always there to pick each other up.

I found a card the other day, that put perfectly into words how much I appreciate Keal this year:

So grateful for your love. I know it can't' be easy putting up with all my moods, giving me the space I need when I'm unhappy or upset or filled with doubt...But somehow, you hang in there and accept me as I am, loving me through everything and being more supportive than I ever dreamed anyone could be...I only hope you realize how wonderful you are. There's no one luckier in love than I am because of you."

And it is so true; I wish I would've been the one to write those words! I am so blessed that Keal is the  man I get to take this journey with. I am blessed that we balance each other out so well. And I am blessed that we are facing this journey together because we are so much closer because of it. 

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for a strong and united marriage. I am thankful for a love that can withstand the storms of this journey. I am thankful for the fact that Keal continues to hold me up and carry me on when I just don't have the strength. I am thankful for this time God has given me and Keal together as a family of two. We want you here so badly, but I'm grateful for this precious time together as a couple. I know once we receive our miracle, life will forever be changed. And while we are so ready to welcome that change, for now, we will appreciate this time we have together. I am thankful for the miracle God is working in our lives. We are beyond blessed for our beautiful life and for that, I am so thankful.

Loving his new Thanksgiving toy!

Let's try this again...

Right Beside You

Another day, another appointment. I'm trying to stay level-headed today. There is no chance of good or bad news today, just being told how many days to do the shots; when my next appointment is; and more blood work, more ultrasounds. A typical, in-between days appointment. I am still trying to stay hopeful and faithful, that these mundane appointments will eventually lead to that fabulous appointment when we hear you are on your way.

This has been somewhat of a challenging week for me. Three days after finding out we weren't pregnant, I was already starting another round of pills and medications. It just seemed to be going too fast. I felt like I was spinning out of control. There was too much to process all at once. I heard this song:

When the world is on your back
And you think that you will never last
When you're lonely and you are confused
I'll be right beside you
When the walls are closing in
And you think you'd rather sink than swim
When there's nothing left for you to lose
I'll be right beside you

I know that as I feel like the walls are closing in this week, that God is right beside me. I know He is holding our hand through this journey and I trust His plan completely.

I go into this appointment trusting Him and knowing that when the time is right, He will work this miracle.

Today's bracelet for my appointment ~ I believe completely!

Incredible Support System

I thought I should continue my posts of thanks. I have a wonderful life and I really need to dwell on the positive things I have, not the negative that we got yesterday.

So along with hot baths and free cappuccino, I am thankful for an incredible support system. Yesterday and today made me realize how loved we are and what wonderful people I have in my life.

In order to go to the doctor yesterday to have blood drawn, I had to drop everything right away. I had to leave school with no sub and no coverage for my class. A member on my team said, "Go this is more important," and she covered my class for me. She picked them up for me, she took them outside, and she took them to recess. I am so fortunate to work at such a wonderful school. We all get along and we all truly support and care for each other's needs.

I'm thankful for my boss for constantly checking in on me yesterday, peeking her head in my classroom, letting me use her office when I needed to cry, and then texting me throughout the night making sure I was okay. She checked on me first thing this morning and let me know that she was there for me if I need anything at all.

I am thankful for a very dear friend, peeking her head in my classroom today. I could tell she had been avoiding me and wasn't quite sure what to say. She looked truly choked up when she whispered, "Don't give up. It'll happen." I was so grateful for her simple, kind words and the sincerity of her heart.

And most importantly, I am thankful for my incredible family. I have received countless texts, voice mails, and phone calls from them all checking on me making sure I'm doing okay. I have received silly soundbites and Christmas carols to pick me up. I have been able to cry with them when needed and they've been able to offer me comforting words when I needed to listen. I'm so thankful for my sweet husband for comforting and hugging me last night and for just being there for me. I am thankful for the caring card he gave, and beautiful words he wrote:

"Your strength may surprise you. You've been through so much lately, and I know it has taken a lot out you...At times, it must seem like things will never be normal again. But I know that you'll handle it, because you're one of the strongest, most resilient people I've ever known. And anytime in the days and weeks ahead that you need someone to remind you just how wonderful you are, I'm here."

Court,
I am sorry things did not go as planned today. (Since when have they on this adventure.) Please keep your strength and hopefulness and one day soon, before you even know it, our little guy / girl will be here. And we are going to be the best parents ever!

I have seen you overcome so many fears and pains. You definitely have champed the needle thing...I have no doubt you can do it again and again if necessary. You are going to be such a wonderful mother that I know God will not deny you the opportunity. Please know that I love you so much and can not imagine my life without you. You are my one true love, my best friend, and companion.

Yesterday was a difficult day, there's no denying that. The days ahead of us will be difficult too. But there is no denying that I have a very blessed life. I have family and friends that love me, I have a wonderful job, and I have the grace of God to get me through each day. You will learn someday too, sweet one, that even in our heartache, there is always something to be thankful for.

Hot Baths and Free Cappuccino

This morning I am trying to find the small things to be thankful for amidst my pain. On a cold Wednesday morning, after a super long day yesterday, I'm thankful for cappuccino. Even better, a free cappuccino! Had the results come back positive yesterday, a cappuccino would not be possible. So in the bad, let's be thankful that I can sip some free, hot cappuccino to get me moving this morning!

I'm also thankful for hot bubble baths. Again, something I would not be able to do had the test come back positive. I can now unwind, relax, and de-stress in a nice hot bubble bath.

So, instead of dwelling on the bad, I'm trying to celebrate some good. This morning I'm thankful for hot baths and cappuccinos.

Heavy Heart pt2

So, after getting the negative results, I called my doctor (I had said I wasn't going to, but decided to follow their requests). They asked me to hurry in and get some blood drawn. That way, I'd know for sure, yes or no (sometimes the home tests aren't as reliable as the blood work).

So, I went.

I didn't get my hopes up...but I wasn't quite as discouraged either. There was still a little bit of hope.

Blood was drawn, easy as pie. The woman was so pleasant and positive, "You're a teacher? Oh honey, you're a momma already. You are going to be a wonderful mother. Don't you worry."

2:00 - 2:30 I was supposed to have a phone call. Nothing.

Conferences started at 2:40. 2:39 my phone rang. Doctor's office.

I decided to take the gamble and answer. I could tell the second I answered the phone it was not good news. However, we had a game plan by the time the call was over.

One ray of light in this gloomy day, my 2:40 conference never showed up. This gave me time to gather myself and regroup. Gave me time to call Keal, call my mom. So, I'm thankful that God had worked that out for me.

Monday, I go in possibly for yet another ultrasound and to start the shots again. And while the shots no longer freak me out (I can handle that easily) I am saddened that this miracle didn't happen. I really thought this was our miracle month. This was the month God was going to prove himself to Keal. And so I find myself going back to where I was a few months ago, asking why. Why would God have allowed this "bonus" month to work, all for it not to have worked. I really just don't understand. Someday, I'm sure I will. Today, I'm just saddened.

So, I'm back to trying to just push forward and survive this day. I am so thankful for this small break in conferences to allow me to write (such therapy for me!). I am trying to trust God's plan. I am hopeful for that glorious day when we finally hear you are on the way. And until then, we will continue to wait, faithfully.

Heavy Heart

Well, I guess God has a different plan for us. I just really thought this was our month. Everything had worked out so beautifully...and all I thought to His plan. Our "bonus" month ended up turning into our Miracle Month and we were able to finally give IUI a try. I was so thankful for how God's hand was moving. This was going to be the month. I just knew it.

This morning, I took the last pregnancy test I owned. I had told myself, no more negative results. The time I used this last pregnancy test would be the one that worked. I have been saving it since this summer. I would not need to buy anymore.

Last night, I dreamt we were in the doctor's office getting our first ultrasound. Our doctor and nurses were so excited for us. I heard your heartbeat.

I woke up so hopeful.

I woke up to read this...

Today are parent-teacher conferences. I will be at school from 6 AM to 6:30 PM. How I am going to have the strength to get through this day is only with God's help. Today was supposed to be my day. A day of celebration. Today is now going to be a day of survival. Let's just get through the day without breaking down. This morning I was putting....well, attempting....to put on my bracelet. I hadn't really cracked yet. My hands were shaking and the stupid clip wouldn't go through the hole. I think I tried a good five times before throwing it across the bathroom. That was my breaking point. Not being able to put a bracelet on and I was face down on my bathroom floor sobbing.

Oh little one, this world is a funny place. It's a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Don't get me wrong, it's a wonderful place too. But sometimes things just don't go as you imagained. So, we go back to waiting and wondering when we will meet you. I continue on this journey, faithful, knowing one day you will be ours, but today my heart is just a little heavier.

Where There is Great Love...

Well, my sweet little one. It has been eleven days since we were at the doctor's office. And I must confess, these have been the LONGEST eleven days, maybe of my life!! I keep looking at calendars and thinking, "Really? It's only been 2 days....it's only been 3 days..."you get the picture. So, here I am this morning saying, "Really? We still have to wait five days?!" I might burst with all this waiting.

Now that we are so close to knowing yes or no, it is even more difficult to have patience because all of the pregnancy symptoms have started. I have now had two nights in a row of "morning" sickness, unshakeable headaches, and the weepiness is as strong as ever (this time not quite as sad, but more like the tiniest things - happy included - make me cry). And while I welcome these symptoms with open arms if they mean you are on the way, I am trying not to get ahead of myself. Unfortunately, all of the meds that I am on can cause you to feel like you're pregnant too. Which, if you ask me, that is a mean trick! Don't the people who created these drugs know that the people on them want a baby more than anything? And to make the side effects be the same as being pregnant, just mean! So, I'm trying to find the healthy balance between being so very hopeful, yet keeping it in the back of my mind that if God intended for this to work at a different time, we will trust His plan.

Things I am thankful for this morning: the most incredible support team I could ask for. I have received such beautiful texts throughout the week. The first came from a friend from church; she sent me this quote: "Where there is great love, there are always miracles." Let me tell you, little one, there is great love waiting for you! I know that this love that we have for you and that God has for us, is going to work this miracle in our life. I believe that with all my soul.

Later in the week, I got another text from a new friend, "...I need an update on your life in the next 3 days. I haven't forgotten to say extra prayers!" I loved how simple it was, yet how thoughtful; letting me know that even though this week has been busy, she is still thinking about me.

Finally, last night, a dear friend from school sent me this text: "Saw this tonight and thought of you. You are dealing with everything so amazing and its amazing to witness. 'Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him.' John 1:12." I was so grateful to receive such encouraging words. She too went through a similar journey to get to her beautiful little boy. Knowing that she comes from a similar place of pain and struggle to get to her miracle, it meant so much to read these words from her.

Throughout this journey I keep coming back to a similar thought, we are so blessed in this life God has given us. There are days that are more difficult than others. There are some situations that sometimes seem unfair in the midst of them. But through it all, God reminds me that I am His and that He loves me. And for that, I am beyond blessed. Thank you, Lord!

Don't Give Up

It's funny. You'd think by now I would be used to the up-and-downs of this journey. Turns out....I'm not.

You'd think I'd be in a better place right now, knowing we have so much to be hopeful for right now. Turns out...I'm not.

Yesterday was such a down day for me. During our staff meeting, we announced yet another pregnancy at school. The pregnant culprit decided to share with us, "Yep. Definitely didn't want this right now. We weren't trying at all, so this came as a complete surprise. But, it'll be a good thing." Cue me ready to slug her in the face. So frustrating to hear people make such flippant comments about their "oops baby," when I am praying and trying so hard for my miracle baby! After the meeting, I was of course greeted with several comments of, "Oh I thought for sure it was you." I wanted to say, "Yep, should've been me for over a year and a half now, nope, still not."

So, after that sucker punch, I got to spend Halloween with my two pregnant sister-in-laws again. And I know I should be happy for them. But I just can't get there. I can't feel happy for them when they have what I've wanted for so long. And, to add salt to the wound, my mother-in-law decided last night was a perfect time to plan their fun double baby shower. "How fun that the sisters are pregnant together and both having boys. They're gonna grow up to be such good little buddies." I mean really?? That couldn't have been discussed while I was outside or out of the room? And really -- both sisters pregnant? I wanted to jump up and down and say, "Hello! Sister here...not pregnant!" Instead, I cried. Story of my life these days. Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad.

I made the comment to Keal last night, "I just can't do this anymore." I'm not really sure what I ever mean when I say that. I definitely don't mean fighting for you. Maybe I mean being around pregnant women. Maybe I mean trying to mask my pain. Maybe I mean not shouting at people when in their ignorance they make insensitive comments. I don't know. But I felt like giving up last night.

But wait. It gets better! I then got to spend my one time of peace....my dreams....in more misery!! All night long I dreamt about my sister-in-laws and their sons. They kept trying to force me to hold them and I just wouldn't do it. I'm surrounded by babies everywhere I turn -- during day time and my dreams.

So, I woke up sad today too. I got to work and turned on Pandora. The first song that came on was one I had never heard. It was so perfect for me.

How perfect, after I said, "I can't do this anymore," after feeling like I'm ready to quit, God whispers, "Don't give up. Help is surely on its way." Oh. How wonderful the Lord is.

And as if this wasn't enough, God shows how much He truly loves me and continues to bless me! Every single song after this one, was one from my Let Faith Arise playlist! So, in my pain and sadness today, I have to say, Thank you God! Thank you for your grace and for still comforting me. I am sometimes so ashamed of the feelings of jealousy I get during this journey. So thank you Lord, for forgiving me of that and still loving me. We serve a wonderful, Lord! As I blogged on Monday, rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. So even in my pain, I rejoice that I have such a merciful savior.

Rejoice in the Lord...Always!

I have to start by saying what an incredible day today has been. I have so much to be thankful for; I don't' even know how to organize my thoughts to begin. So, here we go, things I'm so thankful for today:

1. For serving such an incredible, loving, tender, merciful God. I felt His presence with me all day long. I felt Him calming me as I became anxious. I felt Him through song. I felt Him while teaching, and I felt Him in my quiet moments. I know God had me and Keal wrapped tightly in His arms today and for that alone I am so grateful and thankful. This would've been enough today...but there is much more to be thankful for! Who are we to ever be this loved? We serve an awesome God!!
2. My fabulous, supportive husband. He was standing in the parking lot watching me pull in, waiting to greet me. Keal doesn't like to show much excitement....let me rephrase, much emotion of any kind, but especially in this journey! He is  my rock and calming force. When I'm down, he tries to stay up. But I could honestly tell he was as excited as I was today. He was hopeful and anxious with me. It was nice to share the same excitement with him. While sitting in the exam room, waiting for the doctor to come in, we grabbed hands and he offered a prayer. I am so grateful for the personal relationship he is forming with God. He offered such a perfectly powerful prayer for you and for our journey. He was thankful and faithful. I love where our relationship is going as a couple. I love that I can turn to him to offer a prayer for us. It calmed my nerves and I felt a peace come over the room. After the appointment, he leaned over kissed me, and whispered, "I sure hope this worked." I know he wants this as badly as I do, but it is so reassuring to hear him verbalize his desires. It was a sweet moment we shared together. I love my husband and I love where this journey is bringing us!
3. For fabulous family and their texts throughout the day checking in on me. They have been such solid rocks for me in this journey. They continue to pick us up as we journey along.
4. An easy, painless, quick procedure. I had been so nervous all day long about this procedure - I knew I would have at least one moment of uncomfortableness. Nothing! Nothing!! It was so quick and easy.
5. An amazing staff at the doctor's office. I think every person in there let us know, one way or another, that they were hoping for good news. We got pats on the back, winks and finger crosses, and kind words. It is because of the school that I teach at, that I found this doctor. God has His hands in everything - it is incredible to see how it all works out! Because I took a job at Harmony Elementary, I met two fabulous women - one who knows the doctor personally, and one who was a patient here. Because I took a job at Harmony Elementary, I found the most perfect doctor's office for me. Thank you God for having your hand in this journey...three years before we realized we'd even be on this journey!
6. For all of the experiences had by my family today too. God wasn't just comforting me or Keal today; He was with us all!
7. For random texts, from old dear friends who did not even know about today's procedure. "Hi Court! Xoxo love you! Hope you have time to see the blessings in your life today." I know God put it on her heart to text me today. I am so thankful He did, and I'm so thankful she listened! It was such a great, comforting  message to get right before our appointment.

We are beyond blessed today. I am so thankful for all the things God has done in our lives. I am thankful for all of the decisions and unseen miracles God has been working in our lives throughout and before this journey even began. I am thankful for the chance to try and be a mother. I am sure these are going to be a long two weeks. But today we rejoice! And over these next two weeks, we will patiently and faithfully wait. And while we are waiting, we will rejoice in the Lord, ALWAYS!!

363 days

October 20, 2011, I had a doctor's appointment because there were some things going on that just didn't seem right. We had been ready to meet you for seven months at this point and there was still no sign.

October 31, 2011....363 days from today, almost a year to the date, the word infertility was used in my doctor's appointment. "Looks like you may have some issues with infertility. You'll have to wait to speak with Dr. Johnson. Make an appointment when you check out and she'll see you in a couple of weeks." And just like that, the doctor was out of the room. As if hearing the diagnosis of infertility is no big deal. And there I was, left alone with my tears, fears, and uncertainties. It was probably the most difficult appointment I have ever had because I had not even come close to thinking about fertility problems.

October 31, 2011 I was so ready to be pregnant.

Now, here we are, October 29th, 2012 and I find myself in a much better state of mind. The past year and seven months have been trying; that is for sure. It has tested me as an individual and it has tested my relationship as a wife. But I have so grown through this experience. I have experienced physical things I never thought possible (how is it, the girl who used to scream and fuss over a finger prick, stuck a needle into her own stomach yesterday?!). I have experienced emotional things that have made me stronger. And most importantly is the spiritual growth I have made throughout this journey.

I go into today's appointment with a trust and freedom I never thought possible. I know that God's hand is in this journey completely. I know that God is going to give us you. And because of this faith and trust, I know that whatever happens today is God's plan. I go into today's appointment with that same desire to become a mother, but I don't have the fear that the word "infertility" caused me nearly a year ago. Fear has no place in this journey anymore because I know completely that God will work this miracle.

So, after a year of medicine, a year of countless appointments and procedures, I go into this appointment putting this journey solely in God's hands. I go into this appointment full of faith. I go into this appointment with an open-heart and open-mind, trusting that God will work this miracle because, "if you have faith, and doubt not, it will be done. And all things, whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."

No matter what, I will remember these words today (I've heard this song a thousand times, but heard it again on the radio this morning):
"You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In God times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

You're the only God
Whose power none can contend
You're the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You're the only God
Who's worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that's just the way it is"

If

Today is the eve of our first attempt at IUI. I am trying to fight the anxiety today and trying to remain faithful. I trust God's plan completely today. I know whatever happens tomorrow, happens for a reason. I also find myself so thankful for this opportunity. Had things gone as I had hoped, we would've been doing the daily injections today. Had things gone as I had hoped, we may have been told too many mature follicles again. Instead, God intervened, changed the plans again, and has given us this most surprising opportunity at IUI! So no matter what happens, I find myself rejoicing for the way God has had His hand in this journey from the beginning. God's plan is so much better than the one I ever could have had.

Yesterday, we were sitting on the couch eating breakfast and Keal said, "Okay, what's the plan for today?" I couldn't help but to laugh at him and say, "It's pretty bad when the planner doesn't care and the spontaneous one needs a plan." But it's so true. I have definitely learned to let go a little and just live! I'm not going to lie, I still like to plan some things, but I do trust God a lot more than I ever thought imaginable. I am learning to let go, enjoy the moment, and live!

Today's message in church was simple; it was, "If." We read several verses, but two of my favorite verses from today were:

Mark 9:23 "Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth."

Matthew 21:21 "Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done.And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."

I go into tomorrow's appointment believing with complete and pure faith. I go into tomorrow's appointment trusting the Lord and knowing He can...and will...do this miracle in our lives! I feel like I have ended a lot of my posts this way, but it is so true. I am so thankful for this journey. Not every woman experiences half of what I have experienced to become a mother. And for that I am so incredibly thankful. I have such a different outlook and appreciation for parenthood. We will welcome you into the world little one with pure and loving hearts. And we can't wait until that day! We move ahead, waiting and trusting the Lord with faithful hearts.

Sweet Surprise

Well little one, today we had another doctor's appointment to see if the pill did anything again. This was a bonus month in my mind, so I had no expectations. Before the doctor came in, my mom grabbed my hand and we each prayed. I felt such peace while praying; yet caught myself fighting the urge to feel comforted. I didn't want to feel hope because I didn't want to feel disappointment. But in that moment, I know God was with us and I know He heard our prayers.

The doctor began the ultrasound and first looked at my right side. "Well darn, lots of potentials but they're all sleeping." In my mind, bummer but no real surprise; we could try again next month.

She then looked at left side. Before she said anything, I whispered, "oh wow!" There it was. Plain as day. A large and mature follicle! She smiled too, "We have a really nice one here." I began praying as she began measuring. 15 mm. It was big enough!

The next five minutes were a blur as we continued to receive good news after good news. "Okay, so Sunday, I'd like to give yourself the trigger shot and then come back Monday for IUI." I wanted to say, "Um, come again?! Do what?!' But she didn't stop there! Turns out, the shot I've been dreading can be given using a smaller needle (like the ones I've already done). It can be done in my stomach, not back, so Keal doesn't have to do it! AND she already prepared it for me! So no mixing, no giant needles, and no needing someone else to do it. I was in complete shock. Not only do we now have a little more hope than we've ever had before, but we are going to finally give this thing a shot!

I feel so incredibly blessed and overjoyed today. We have been praying so hard and so long for you. I know this doesn't guarantee you will be on your way after Monday, but it means we may get you without IVF. Had we not had last months disappointments being told we couldn't do the shots, we wouldn't have had this month's joy! I am so thankful God has heard our prayers. I am thankful for the disappointments we've had along the way so that we can celebrate this good news. It is going to be a long two or three weeks waiting to see if this worked, I am sure. But we will go forward with prayerful, faithful hearts, waiting patiently for you, our sweet one, and trusting God's perfect plan.

Gatlinburg pt 2

Well my first post about Gatlinburg came from a place of hurt and pain. Now that we are on our ride home, I don't think that's a completely fair reflection of our trip. Yes, there were uncomfortable moments of pain, but overall this trip was much better than I anticipated; I had prepared myself for the worst. One thing I have learned from this journey is that I am a lot tougher than I ever thought I was and I continue to surprise myself with all that I can handle.

So with this post, lets celebrate all the positives this trip held! Things I am thankful for:

1.) Time away with my hubby! Keal and I had a really nice time together - hiking, exploring the town, and just enjoying time away from everyday life. Not only this vacation, but this journey has brought us so much closer and for that I am thankful. Keal was so kind and sensitive of my pain this weekend. I am thankful that he was aware enough to constantly be checking in on me and making sure I was okay.

2.) Time away to go on a spectacular hike. It was great to be out and active. It was great to be surrounded by nature and have no distractions around us.

3.) Putt-putt golf with my adorable nephew (who did better than some of the adults in our group!)

4.) A day in the city of Gatlinburg - with a few hours to just me and Keal. It was nice to just stroll the city, peek in a few shops, and eat some deliciously unhealthy snacks!

5.) Starting each morning with some very needed alone time on the deck, listening to music, sipping juice, and enjoying the view.

6.) Overcoming a fear and riding the Sky Tram to Ober Gatlinburg. Minor panic attack in the process, but I basically rode an elevator...twice! Maybe there's hope for my claustrophobia after all!

7.) A ski lift ride up to the mountain with Keal and a fun slide down!

8.) And thoughtful texts from my family throughout the weekend, making sure I was okay. My mom who let me do my venting and helped validate all I was feeling. My sister who constantly texted me during putt putt keeping me calm! And for my brother texting me on Sunday morning, reminding me to hold on to my faith.

All in all, this was a great weekend getaway for us. We had some fun, I overcame some personal struggles, and I continued to grow closer to the Lord - with all the pain of this journey, I am thankful because each difficult experience brings me closer to God and makes my faith that much stronger. So, I thank you Lord for showing me another challenge that I could overcome in this journey!

Gatlinburg

This weekend found me in a peculiar situation...a weekend getaway to Gatlinburg with my sister-in-laws and their families. My pregnant sister-in-laws.

The first full day down here was spectacular. The three husbands and myself went on a five mile hike to Rainbow Falls in the Smoky Mountains. The views were stunning. It was so peaceful to be out in the middle of nowhere taking in the sights. I found myself thanking God for the opportunity to go and see something new, another one of his magnificent creations.

Once we got home, things got difficult for me. It is so hard to be around these pregnant bellies. It was different when they weren't showing - still hard - but not in my face every second. Now, every time I look at them I am reminded - they're pregnant, I'm not.

I truly know God has a perfect plan for us and that you will soon be in our lives. But it's just so hard not to wonder, why them? Why not me?

I am typing these words on a gorgeous, crisp morning on the back porch of our cabin looking out on a spectacular view, I am listening to my Let Faith Arise playlist, and realizing in my pain, God is still with me. I know have blogged about this song before, but as I type these are the lyrics playing right now:

When I'm far away from home

And the cool winds start to blow.

When I'm empty and alone, I turn to you.

When there's hardness in my heart

And I can't see the truth.

When I'm wandering in the dark,

I turn to you.

And here in your holy presence

It's all that I can do.

I turn to you Jesus

I turn to you, Lord

What else can I do, Jesus

I turn to you.

I can't help but smile as I sing along. Thank you God for reminding me. How perfect were these lyrics: I was sitting here, feeling so "far away from home" and so "alone" out here. No one understands the pain. I am feeling angry at my sister-in-laws - feeling a "hardness in my heart" and not understanding / "seeing the truth" in this journey. And then I looked out at my view and felt God with me - I felt His "holy presence." And I instantly felt comforted, I turned to Jesus, and felt a peace.

Yes, this weekend is difficult and painful. Yes it sometimes seems unfair, but through it all, I know God still loves me. I know He has a greater plan for me than I can see right now. This struggle will all be worth it in the end. We will love and appreciate you so much more than had you just been given to us when we first asked. And maybe this time next year, I will be holding you on this porch swing, taking in this incredible view. And until then, we will wait. Faithfully.

Change of Plans

Well, we didn't get the news we had hoped for at last Tuesday's appointment, but I also felt a peace in the appointment. Things did not work at all, so once again IUI was called off. I strangely left feeling comfortable with this news. I felt God with us; trusting His perfect plan, trying to perfect my patience.

We left with the following game plan: try shots and femara again, but a lower dose of the injection. I was comfortable with this plan and grateful to dodge IVF again.

Well, just one week later, this plan had to be scraped too. I was first very devastated to put another month on hold. But as always, God showed He has His hand in every step of this journey to you.

We are not doing shots yet because the doctors are out of the office for the next two weeks. So, we are trying one more month of straight pills. I am thankful for this change of plans because I feel like this will eliminate the "what ifs." If this month does not work, I will trust completely that pills alone aren't for us.

But more importantly, I am grateful for this extra month because this is another opportunity for God's hand to be moved. I had thought September was the last chance at our miracle. How silly to limit God! Slowly but surely I am learning to have perfect patience. I am learning that when we don't always get the news we are hoping for that this is just another chance for God to work His miracle. And until He is ready to work this miracle in our lives, we will continue to trust His plan and know in faith believing that you will soon be apart of our lives.

Perfect Patience

What a great day today was in church; I felt as if God had my face in His hands talking directly to me. The message come from....James 1, the same exact verses I focused on yesterday! Today we talked about things we have waited for in the past and how worth it the wait was once we got those things.

I didn't share this because I'm still waiting....but you, my sweet one, are the thing I have so waited for. And I know once we get you, it will have all been worth it. All the stress and worry, the pain and struggle, it will all be for such a perfect miracle.

Today, it was explained that God wants to give us everything....but on His time. We must learn patience, because those things we ask for are coming. Sometimes all God wants is for us to ask Him one more time. So, as I'm waiting, I will continue to trust God's plan. I will continue to ask Him to fulfill His perfect plan and put you into our lives. And as always, along this journey, I will praise Him for all that He does for me in my wonderful life.

But why?

This journey has been such a roller coaster of emotions. We have experienced such beautiful and inspiring highs and such devastating lows. Each day brings with it a new emotion. And through these highs and lows, through the tears and praises, the anger and fears, I can't help but ask God why. I don't ask because I doubt His plan - I know there is a reason. I ask because I just can't see the big picture yet. I do believe that a lot of this is helping to increase Keal's relationship with God. I believe I am learning to not be such a planner, to let go, and to trust God more. But still...why? Why so long? Why us? Why not others who seem to need this lesson more than us?

I am trying to focus on my faith and trust in God over these next five days as we wait for Tuesday's appointment. I am trusting that His hand will be moved. I am trying not to focus on the negatives that we could hear, but yet the positive that no matter what we hear, we are one step closer to you. And through it all, I am trying to understand His plan for us.

Today, I was reading from the first chapter of James. What a perfect chapter for me this morning, helping to answer my constant whys.


1:2-4 "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

When God gives us a challenge or trial, we need to accept His challenge with joy. No, it is not the trial itself we are joyful for, but it is because of the trials that God can work positive things in our lives. Through this painful journey to you, we are going to witness such an incredible miracle in our lives. Through this painful journey, we are growing closer to God each and every day. How could I not joy in these wonderful things? It is the victory over these trials that are going to bring this spiritual growth...so I cannot fall. I must stay strong throughout this journey, so that at the end I can claim victory with Jesus Christ! 

1: 5 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

Ah-ha! Validation that my constant whys are okay! Not asking why in pity and in the poor me mode, but asking for His wisdom to understand this journey. And I thank God that as I was asking Him why this morning, He answered with this chapter! God does not give us a trial and leave us to figure it out on our own. He gives us trials to test us - will we turn to Him for guidance? Will we stay strong in our walk with Him as we walk through these trials? Will we thank Him and find joy in Him along the way of our trials?

1: 6-8 "But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways."

When we ask Him why though, it must be in faith. It must be in strength. We must trust in the Lord that He will bring us through these trials.

This morning I am praising God that He heard my question and that He answered my why. Do I have all the answers? No. But do I have a better understanding and more wisdom in this journey? Absolutely. I know God has a perfect plan for us, for this journey, and for you. I know that if we stay strong throughout this journey, our relationship with God will just be that much stronger in the end. And so, through the pain, through the ups and downs, I will continue to find joy in this journey. I will continue to find joy in our trials because our sweet and perfect miracle is waiting for us at the end of the pain!

Positive People

Waiting for Friday's appointment was a terribly, painful week. I typically go into these appointments with such hope. Is this the appointment that we move forward? However, by Wednesday I felt like I had already been given the bad news. I had been so down and sad about this journey. I felt that if I let myself feel hope this week, it would make Friday hurt that much more if we get bad news. What a silly way to have spent this week. God wants us to find hope in all things. How could I consider myself a faithful person if I was already so discouraged? How can I trust God to work a miracle if I was already counting this month out?

Well, Wednesday was pretty rough for me emotionally. I held it together enough to get through teaching, but behind the scenes, when the kids were gone, not so much. This semester I have a student-teacher in my room and unfortunately, she definitely picked up on my sadness and discouragement. I was first mad at myself - I am supposed to be showing others I can do this because I have God on my side. I am staying strong because of Him. But Wednesday, I was not that example.

Thursday morning was not much better. However, I walked into my classroom to find my student teacher had beat me to school (impressive considering I get there at the crack of dawn!). Sitting on my desk was a vase of beautiful flowers, chocolates, gold fish crackers, and the most beautiful card.

Courtney,
About the closest way to describe the appreciation and admiration I hold for you is to say it's unending - in actuality, there can be no value for it. In six weeks I've learned more than I ever imagined and will miss the opportunity to continue developing under you dearly. You are such a special teacher...and an even greater person.

We haven't covered this in my unit yet, but before there is a rainbow, there must be rain. Your perseverance yesterday showed all of us why you deserve a beautiful ending. I'm inclined to say that maybe less paperwork in two weeks will help...and maybe a few extra prayers too. I'll do my best at the latter, and not the former! Thank you for everything...everything!

Well, I was instantly in tears! What a beautiful way to begin my day! I was instantly so grateful and thankful. I realized, that even through my pain, I was still an example to her. Through my pain, she still saw my strength to continue on in this journey.

After getting the results Friday, Dr. Devine looked at us and with a smile said, "Okay. Nothing to worry about yet. Let's check back in on Tuesday and see where we are. We're going to get this baby, Courtney, I really believe that."

I just love the practice that we are going to and again, I thank God for directing us to them! What a positive doctor I have. Even when it's not the greatest news, she continues to give us hope and encourage us to stay up. I don't feel like I am "just a patient" there. I feel like they genuinely care about me. I feel comfortable there and I know God has me in good hands.

As we were leaving the office, I had to make a second appointment. When I told the receptionist, she sincerely responded with a deep sigh, "Oh. I was really hoping for you guys. I thought today might be your day. Okay....Tuesday. Tuesday will be your day."

After the appointment, a dear friend of mine from school texted me (a friend who did not yet know about our journey, but it because of this friend that I ever even heard about my doctor): "Hey Court! I just wanted to text you and let you know I am thinking about you. You had the look yesterday that I feel like I have some days. I am inferring through your quotes that you pin on Pinterest that you are I are similar in a way - trying to have faith and hope for our future. I don't want to be too forward, I just wanted to let you know that you and your quotes inspire me and help get through my frustration. And if I have inferred this all wrong...then ignore me!...and you still inspire me." I was so touched and so thankful for this positive text.

Just moments after this text, another good friend called to check on me. She had also been a patient of Dr. Devine. It is so helpful having someone who has been on this journey already. She is one of the only people I know out there who has traveled a similar journey to ours. She understands my impatience, my anger, my hope, and my sadness. It is encouraging to have someone validate everything it is I am feeling. I am thankful that she too had to travel down a painful journey to her sweet baby because she is able to encourage me and pull me along on my journey.

I often find myself getting angry at certain people for not responding the way I expect them. But today, instead of focusing on those who bring me down, I am praising God for the positive and supportive people He has put in my life. I am thankful that during such a difficult week, when I felt too weak to stand myself, I had so many people who saw and helped carry me along. Through their prayers, their texts, and kind words, I made it through a trying week. I cannot linger on the negative, but will praise God for the positive people He has put in my life. I thank God that they reached out to pick me up. I thank God that through my pain I am still impacting and inspiring others. I thank God that through this journey, He is using me and molding me into the person I need to be!

The Waiting Game Continues

Well today was another appointment. It was time to see if the pills had worked or not. Today we would know yay or nay - yes, let's try IUI or no, IVF is the only route for us.

After getting the thumbs down back in August for IUI, I had prepared myself for the worst for this appointment. And not because I wasn't faithful, but because I was so blindsided last time. I couldn't get hit so hard this month if we were told no. I couldn't let myself go back to such a dark place...I had already been there again this week.

So I knew going in today we would hear one of three things:
1.) Femara worked - let's do IUI today
2.) Femara worked - let's do IUI sometime next week
or 3.) Femara didn't work, we'll start IVF in November

And wouldn't you know whenever we think we have it figured out, God says, "Nope, I'm the one in charge," and he throws a fourth possibility into the mix.

Turns out this was kind of an off month for my body. However, there is still one growing follicle, one more chance for IUI this month. It is still pretty small right now, but could still continue growing.

So, the waiting game continues. We go back in next Tuesday.

I left today's appointment feeling good and feeling faithful. Yes, the unknown and the wait is exhausting, but it also gives God more time to work His miracle. It gives us five more days to pray and force God's hand to be moved. It gives us five more days of hope for IUI. It gives us five more days for our faith to grow.

"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord. And I am hopeful. I'm waiting on You, Lord. Though it is painful, but patiently, I will wait."

Reasons to Be Thankful

I have found myself in a state of anger and self-pity all week. I have found myself questioning why God has us on such a difficult journey, when others have such an easy one. I have found myself angry with those who have their families without (what seems to me) true understanding of how very lucky they actually are. I have found myself asking God, why someone else and not me.

Well today, while driving home from church, I decided to snap out of this. God has a reason for everything. It is not about why someone else is pregnant and not me. It is not about whether someone understands how truly blessed they are. Keal and I need to focus on the miracle that God is working in our lives. We need to be thankful for what we have and not on what we don't or on what others have.

So, instead of complaining, I find my mood has shifted and I find myself in a spirit of praise this afternoon. Yes, I am still hurting and wanting you in my life. But, through that pain, God still deserves his praise. So, things I am thankful for...

• A beautiful fall day. This week has been a terribly rainy and dreary week. Today the sun is out, the sky is blue, and there is a beautiful breeze. While driving home from church we had the windows down just taking in the beauty of this day.
• Singing praises with Keal on the drive home from church. We had the Let Faith Arise CD in the car today. On our drive home from church the two of us were just belting it out, windows down and arms out wide. It was such a sweet moment for the two of us to share. I felt God's spirit with us as we sang the words to "Let Faith Arise," and "While I'm Waiting." I know God has a plan for us and I felt a sense of peace as we sang these songs.
• My wonderful family. Through all the ups and downs of this journey, I know I can count on my family to be there for me. To simply answer a phone call when I need to cry, to hug me when I'm down....whatever I need, they're there for me.

Even amidst the pain and anger of this journey, there are always reason to praise God!

Back In His Arms Again

Great song and great reminder for my down kinda day.

Stronger

 Keal went out of town this weekend for a guy's weekend with his college roommates. Which meant I got to spend the weekend at my parents' house! It was so great to be home and spend time as the five of us again! When I walked in Friday after school, I was greeted with this fabulous assortment of goodies (I have the greatest family! You are one lucky cookie to be inheriting them as your grandparents, aunt, and uncle!):

My mom and I then enjoyed dinner together and time at my dad and brother's football game. Saturday was another girl's day -- brunch out and a little bit of shopping. While out, I unfortunately found out that September is not going to be our miracle month. You are not yet on your way and it's time to start another month of treatments.

I was able to hold it together for awhile, but as always, I had my moment of completely falling apart. This whole journey is just so incredibly exhausting. The highs are wonderful, but the lows are completely devastating. And I know you are the end of these ups and downs, so it i will all be worth it some day soon. Until then, it is easy to get tired and discouraged. A person can only take so many months of hopefully waiting, just to be let down. Again.

Quickly after my meltdown, my mom and I headed to the store to get my prescriptions filled. The song, Stronger, came on in the car. As I've said before with other songs, how this song wasn't written specifically for me and this journey to you is shocking. It is just perfect.

So, through my heartache, tears, anger, and pain today, I will continue to hold on just a little bit longer. I know this is gonna make me stronger. I know this pain can't last forever...you,  my sweet one, are waiting for us on the other side of this journey!

Fertile Myrtle

One thing with this journey that still throws me off....the tiniest things that will make me angry or sad.

Today during lunch a woman made the comment, "Yep. Just call me Fertile Myrtle. My husband could just look at me and we'd be pregnant. It was really always such a nuisance."

Well, I almost lost it. I so badly wanted to say, "Really? A nuisance? Yeah, it must be so terrible being able to get pregnant the way we were intended to. Wanna hear about a nuisance lady? How about taking pills all the time, wearing estrogen patches to counter the crazy pills, giving yourself shots, constant blood work and ultrasounds, peeing on a stick daily just to see "nope, not working," hot flashes, mood swings, depression, nausea, and intense cramping, all to TRY to get pregnant, never knowing if you will be able to have a child of your own....yeah. That's a nuisance. And until you've been there, you can quit your complaining about being able to be a mother."

Yep. That's what I wanted to say. Instead, I politely smiled, gave a phony chuckle with the rest of the lunch group, and continued nibbling on my crackers.

So, this put me on edge today. And once I'm there, it's like I'm looking for more reasons to be angry. And as expected, I was successful. I could tear apart every word that came out of everyone's mouth.

On my drive home, I told myself to snap out of it! I rolled the windows down to enjoy the beautiful fall weather we've been having. I popped in my "Let Faith Arise," CD and began belting it out! The songs are in chronological order of this journey; songs that I know God had me hear during very specific moments throughout this journey. I retraced my steps up to this point -- the highs and the lows.

I found myself so quickly shaken from my anger. I found myself, arms wide out, singing with all my heart, and talking with God. Tears streamed down my face this evening, as I was thanking God for every step of this journey. I even found myself thanking Him for the "Fertile Myrtle," comments I've heard throughout this journey. They will make me that much more thankful for you! Not everyone gets to have such a long journey to their babies....we will love you that much more, little one, because we waited so long and patiently for you!

I found myself praying for you. I am so excited for God to trust me with your life. I cannot wait to welcome you into this family. I know that this journey has made me so much more thankful for things I once took for granted. I find myself with a whole new appreciation for life. I was weeping, driving down the road, thinking of all that awaits us. People say that being a parent is unlike any love you'll ever know. And I know they are right. But let me say, I already love you so much, my precious one. My words are not doing the emotion and love I felt for you while driving home any justice. I just cannot wait for that moment when I look into your eyes and hold you for the first time. If I already love you this much, I can't imagine what that love will be like once you are here.

And now, as I sit here, reflecting on my evening, I find myself thinking, "How repetitive must I sound to God?" Hmmm: get angry with this journey, get sad, get rescued, feel revived, get hope, repeat. I am so thankful to serve such a forgiving and patient God. Thank you God for continually picking me up. Thank you God for forgiving me in my moments of sadness or anger. And thank you God, for always showing yourself to me. Thank you for reminding me that you are always here with us. Thank you for this miracle that you will someday work in our lives!

"Thy Faith Has Made You Whole"

I am sitting on my patio, listening to Christian music, wrapped in a blanket, reading scripture, and sipping hot cocoa as I type these words. It has been such a perfect morning! Today my dad is in Florida for a baptism, so no church here in Oldham County. I decided to spend the morning reading, reflecting, and praying. I could not have started my day in a better fashion! I think I beat everyone in our neighborhood up (including Keal); it was so quiet outside.....just me and God!

Yesterday was spent with my two pregnant sister-in-laws and their families. This was a challenging day for me and I spent most of it in sadness and anger. Having to listen to them comparing baby doctor appointments is just so painful, so I try to stay away (even though I can still hear them). But then I feel even more isolated. It's such a difficult situation to be stuck between.

So, as I walked outside this morning, praying for guidance, I decided to focus on you and what we already have, and not what others have or what we don't have yet. This journey, and an even greater focus this miracle month, has been all about faith, so I decided to do some faith reading.

First (here's the analytical in me!), I looked up the definition.
Faith (n): 
a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust (3): something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs

— on faith: without question 

Then I began reading verses which include faith. I read countless verses this morning, but a few really struck me. The first chapter I read was Mark 2.

Mark 2:8-12: "And immediately when Jesus perceived in his spirit that they so reasoned within themselves, he said unto them, Why reason ye these things in your hearts? Whether is it easier to say to the sick of the palsy, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and take up thy bed, and walk? But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (he saith to the sick of the palsy,) I say unto thee, Arise, and take up thy bed, and go thy way into thine house. And immediately he arose, took up the bed, and went forth before them all; insomuch that they were all amazed, and glorified God, saying, We never saw it on this fashion."

Every day, I am continually asking God to forgive me of whatever sins I may have. And every day, I believe, whole-heartedly, that these sins are removed. I don't doubt for a moment that I still carry these sins around with me. So then why would I ever doubt that Christ would be able to say to me, "Arise you are healed." It seems like commonsense, but I had never thought of miracles in this manner (even though I had read this story countless times and even had it highlighted in my Bible already). When our sins are removed, that is a miracle. More times than I can count in a day, God is working miracles in my life. So why would I ever doubt that he couldn't work this miracle in my life as well. 

Romans 5:1-5: "Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;And patience, experience; and experience, hope:And hope maketh not ashamed;  because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

Tribulations are given to us for a reason. They bring patience, patience brings experience, and experience brings hope. I have known from that start of this journey that there was a reason for all of this. How reassuring to read the reason for our tribulations this morning! Yes, we are learning patience, gaining experience, and have a hope from all these things!

Romans 4:20 "He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God."

I cannot let this journey get me discouraged or angry with God. I need to remember that as I just learned in Romans 5, we are given tribulations for a reason. I need to stay strong in my faith that God is working this miracle in our life. And through it all, I will continue giving all glory to God! 

Mark 4:35-41  "And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?"

I feel God constantly whispering to me, Peace be still. I feel Him calming the storm in my life. I feel Him rescuing me on those days when I am angry or fearful. Yesterday, I had strength to hold it together because I know He heard my whispered prayers. I know He whispered, peace, be still, yesterday. I feel His comfort in the midst of this turmoil. And for that I am grateful. I have complete faith that He is working this miracle in our life, but I do feel the swirl around me still, and I know He calms that storm for me and brings me back to a level of peace.

Mark 10:52 "And Jesus said unto him, Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole. And immediately he received his sight, and followed Jesus in the way."

I look forward to the day that we find out we are pregnant with you. I know on that day, God will be looking down on us saying, "Go thy way; thy faith has made you whole." 

And until that day, we will continue on this journey with a spirit of praise, knowing that through our tribulation God is teaching us patience and hope. We will continue on this journey full of faith so that God does not ask us, "Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?" We will continue on this journey in faith so that we one day hear, "Your faith has made you whole."

Thank you God for a beautiful start to my Sunday. Thank you God for rescuing me from my hurt and pain yesterday. And thank you for this journey; for sculpting us into stronger, more faithful people. Thank you God for everything!

(And I don't count this a small thing either....while typing this post, I have been listening to a random Christian radio station. Many of the songs played were songs from my Let Faith Arise playlist. I feel God with me this morning even in the music being played! Thank you God!)