Heavy Heart

Well, I guess God has a different plan for us. I just really thought this was our month. Everything had worked out so beautifully...and all I thought to His plan. Our "bonus" month ended up turning into our Miracle Month and we were able to finally give IUI a try. I was so thankful for how God's hand was moving. This was going to be the month. I just knew it.

This morning, I took the last pregnancy test I owned. I had told myself, no more negative results. The time I used this last pregnancy test would be the one that worked. I have been saving it since this summer. I would not need to buy anymore.

Last night, I dreamt we were in the doctor's office getting our first ultrasound. Our doctor and nurses were so excited for us. I heard your heartbeat.

I woke up so hopeful.

I woke up to read this...

Today are parent-teacher conferences. I will be at school from 6 AM to 6:30 PM. How I am going to have the strength to get through this day is only with God's help. Today was supposed to be my day. A day of celebration. Today is now going to be a day of survival. Let's just get through the day without breaking down. This morning I was putting....well, attempting....to put on my bracelet. I hadn't really cracked yet. My hands were shaking and the stupid clip wouldn't go through the hole. I think I tried a good five times before throwing it across the bathroom. That was my breaking point. Not being able to put a bracelet on and I was face down on my bathroom floor sobbing.

Oh little one, this world is a funny place. It's a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Don't get me wrong, it's a wonderful place too. But sometimes things just don't go as you imagained. So, we go back to waiting and wondering when we will meet you. I continue on this journey, faithful, knowing one day you will be ours, but today my heart is just a little heavier.