Don't Give Up

It's funny. You'd think by now I would be used to the up-and-downs of this journey. Turns out....I'm not.

You'd think I'd be in a better place right now, knowing we have so much to be hopeful for right now. Turns out...I'm not.

Yesterday was such a down day for me. During our staff meeting, we announced yet another pregnancy at school. The pregnant culprit decided to share with us, "Yep. Definitely didn't want this right now. We weren't trying at all, so this came as a complete surprise. But, it'll be a good thing." Cue me ready to slug her in the face. So frustrating to hear people make such flippant comments about their "oops baby," when I am praying and trying so hard for my miracle baby! After the meeting, I was of course greeted with several comments of, "Oh I thought for sure it was you." I wanted to say, "Yep, should've been me for over a year and a half now, nope, still not."

So, after that sucker punch, I got to spend Halloween with my two pregnant sister-in-laws again. And I know I should be happy for them. But I just can't get there. I can't feel happy for them when they have what I've wanted for so long. And, to add salt to the wound, my mother-in-law decided last night was a perfect time to plan their fun double baby shower. "How fun that the sisters are pregnant together and both having boys. They're gonna grow up to be such good little buddies." I mean really?? That couldn't have been discussed while I was outside or out of the room? And really -- both sisters pregnant? I wanted to jump up and down and say, "Hello! Sister here...not pregnant!" Instead, I cried. Story of my life these days. Happy. Sad. Happy. Sad.

I made the comment to Keal last night, "I just can't do this anymore." I'm not really sure what I ever mean when I say that. I definitely don't mean fighting for you. Maybe I mean being around pregnant women. Maybe I mean trying to mask my pain. Maybe I mean not shouting at people when in their ignorance they make insensitive comments. I don't know. But I felt like giving up last night.

But wait. It gets better! I then got to spend my one time of peace....my dreams....in more misery!! All night long I dreamt about my sister-in-laws and their sons. They kept trying to force me to hold them and I just wouldn't do it. I'm surrounded by babies everywhere I turn -- during day time and my dreams.

So, I woke up sad today too. I got to work and turned on Pandora. The first song that came on was one I had never heard. It was so perfect for me.

How perfect, after I said, "I can't do this anymore," after feeling like I'm ready to quit, God whispers, "Don't give up. Help is surely on its way." Oh. How wonderful the Lord is.

And as if this wasn't enough, God shows how much He truly loves me and continues to bless me! Every single song after this one, was one from my Let Faith Arise playlist! So, in my pain and sadness today, I have to say, Thank you God! Thank you for your grace and for still comforting me. I am sometimes so ashamed of the feelings of jealousy I get during this journey. So thank you Lord, for forgiving me of that and still loving me. We serve a wonderful, Lord! As I blogged on Monday, rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS. So even in my pain, I rejoice that I have such a merciful savior.