After picking myself back up on Sunday, I found myself randomly filled with anger again on Monday night. I took it out on Keal, blamed it on surface-level problems, but never truly acknowledged where this anger was coming from.
Saturday night, I had had a very quick, but nice exchange between one of Keal's family members. I later thanked her over Facebook for her kind words, but never heard back from her...all God's plan! Because I heard from her this morning, when I needed to be picked up again.
I am so thankful for her kind words, for acknowledging our pain, and offering wonderful words, "Hang in there Courtney - stay close to God - stay close to Keal." So true. This journey is trying on both Keal and I, and we both handle it differently. But through our differences, we need to stay united to each other and God.
I am so thankful for how God is working in my life, as well as those around me who are following His lead to continue picking me up on this journey.
The past two months I have found myself in a good place with some bad days, while back in the fall, I was in a bad place with good days. Unfortunately, Sunday (and moments since then) has found me in a bad / angry place.
Sunday, I was met....or shall we say, blindsided....by the news of another pregnant person. Because there was no warning, I was so overcome by my own sadness. Throughout this journey, church has been a place of peace and encouragement for me. And so, to add salt to the wound, this person is a member of my church. As if my sister-in-laws weren't enough, the one place where there were no babies or pregnancies, the one place of peace, is now tarnished with someone else who is pregnant.
Sunday afternoon, on my comatose-like-state drive home, I heard this song, which was so comforting to me:
Each of these lines and verses seemed so perfectly fitting for me. "Sometimes my heart is on the ground and hope is nowhere to be found; love is a figment I once knew and yet I hold on to what I know is true." Yes, I have those days of feeling hopeless in this journey, but even on those days, I hold on to my faith and my trust in God.
"From this trouble I have found and this rubble on the ground I will rise, cause He who is in me is greater than I will ever be and I will rise." Sunday found me down, but I have to remind myself, that I will rise. And I won't rise because of my own strength, but through God's strength, I will overcome this small bump, and this journey, and I will rise.
Sick on Valentine's = yummy treat from Mom, get well goodies from the hubby, and a ridiculous mask so he doesn't get sick too!
Okay, so Valentine's Day isn't really my thing. I find the whole thing kinda silly. And even though we weren't able to go to church on Sunday, I really loved the Valentine's Day message, "If You Were in Love, Could You Tell? If So, Who Would You Tell?" The five stages of love were presented:
Preparation (focus on taking care of self, perfection, and readying for one's significant other)
Infatuation (physical attraction, blind love)
Illumination (seeing one another within a more realistic viewpoint)
Evaluation (determining next steps - stay or go?)
Maturation (making a commitment with full understanding)
Afterwards, it was suggested that a Valentine's Day card could be sent to God. We are asked to "love the Lord thy God...with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind," Matthew 22:40 / Deuteronomy 6:5. So, while I celebrate my love for my family and hubby today, I thought, I'd take the challenge and send my Valentine's Day card to God. So, here it goes...
Dear Lord,
I am speechless at the thought of all you have done and provided for me in my life. You have shown me unconditional love since the moment I was born. You chose me as one of your own long before I chose you. When I have fallen, you have continued to love me and pick me back up. When I have cried to you, you have wrapped me tightly in your arms and rescued my hurting heart. When I have celebrated the blessings in my life, I know they were from you. I want to thank you for all of the beauty and love in my life.
This Valentine's Day marks the 12th Valentine's Day we have celebrated together. I thank you for holding me up through those 12 years. With you by my side I made it through high school and college. I accomplished my dream of becoming a teacher and made it through graduate school. With you by my side I married my best friend, the man you set aside in life just for me. With you by my side, I have faced my most difficult challenge in my life, my journey to our miracle baby.
I thank you for not leaving me, even in my darkest hours, when I seemed so lost and confused by this journey. I thank you Lord, for loving me unconditionally. I thank you for forgiving me for those moments when I doubted or questioned your plan for me. I thank you for this beautiful life and the most perfect love you have shown me on a daily basis. I thank you for the plan you have for mine and Keal's life - we trust you completely - and wait for the day when you give us our miracle. I thank you for sending your son for my soul. I thank you for the hope of everlasting life. I thank you Lord for loving me, regardless of my shortcomings. Thank you, Lord, for everything.
Happy Valentine's,
Courtney
The question was asked in church, "If you were in love, could you tell?" It is my hope and prayer, that admist this challenging journey to you, that my life still reflects a deep and passionate love for my Lord. I hope that people look at my life and can tell that I love the Lord. I hope that through our pain, our life reflects one of hope and faith. It is my daily prayer that my life reflects some strength in the Lord through our journey to you. And one day, it is my most strongest desire to share this love of the Lord with you. It is my prayer that you too will know I love the Lord and that you will embrace Him in your own life. I hope you have as beautiful of a love story with Him as I have.
And as I often do, when my own words fail to express my feelings, I find God speaking to me through lyrics. So, here is a Valentine's song that expresses my love for my Lord and Savior!
You are the song,
You are the song I’m singing.
You are the air,
You are the air I’m breathing
You are the hope,
You are the hope I needed.
If I had no voice,
If I had no tongue,
I would dance for you like the rising sun.
And when that day comes and I see your face.
I will shout your endless glorious praise
You are the song,
You are the song I’m singing.
You are the air,
You are the air I’m breathing
You are the hope,
You are the hope I needed.
I am so blessed that through this journey to you, we have been given such support by our friends and family. I often find myself feeling unable to truly express and convey to others how difficult this journey is...every single day. There are common, everyday things that happen, that people just don't realize how painful they are. And I realize that unless someone has been through a similar journey, they really won't know the pain Keal and I feel on a daily basis.
So, when people reach out to us, it is really such an upliftment to me. It makes me feel like we haven't been forgotten; that people are remembering our journey to you. I am so thankful for the simple texts I have recently received. They give me such a peace and comfort. I find myself calling out to God throughout each day for our miracle. But when I know there's more than just my voice calling for His hand to be moved...wow, what a beautiful feeling!
After getting the courage to finally meet Logan, a beautiful text from my mother-in-law acknowledging the difficulty of that meeting and acknowledging the prayers for you!
Two perfect, most needed texts from my dad, reminding me that he is always praying for us and for you!
And then finally, I received a beautiful card from my mom today:
Dear Court,
There's not an hour of the day that I don't whisper your name to God!! Life is sometimes so very difficult and unfair - but, I'm thankful for God because it would be much worse without Him and His promises. I will whisper your name until I can whisper my grandchild's name!! I will be your Aaron - I'm holding you up to our Savior.
I love you more than anything - and God loves you even more!!
Mom
I have always loved the story of Aaron, holding up Moses' arms when they grew too tired. Exodus 17: 12, "But Moses hands were
heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon;
and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands, the one on the one side, and the
other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down
of the sun."
I loved that my mom referenced this story; it gave me such a beautiful visual. I know those closest to us may not know exactly what we are going through, but the beautiful thing is, they don't have to know exactly what this journey is like. What they do know is that sometimes our arms grow weary. What they do know is that sometimes we need someone else to lift our arms for us. So I know, that our friends and family are holding mine and Keal's arms up. I know they are lifting their voices to the Lord for us; for the strength through this journey; and for you, our miracle! And I know they won't stop steadying our arms until "the going down of the sun," when you sweet one, are in our arms.
