Home

Back when I was in the hospital, your daddy and I joked that whenever a doctor would come in we were going to start blaring Michael Buble's song Home, "Let me go home, I’m just too far from where you are, I wanna come home." 

Today, while sitting next to you, I listened while the twins next door got discharged. I was feeling a small sense of jealously, wondering when that would be us, as well as a sense of excitement knowing our time would be coming soon. I smiled, thinking maybe it was time for Mr. Buble's song to resurface for you boys and your doctors!

While watching the family next door prepare to leave, our family received very hopeful news. Wiley you have received the vaccine needed before discharge and you have your eye exam scheduled for Thursday. Everything that needs taken care of before going home seems to be happening! Ryan, don't worry, they are preparing for your homecoming too!! You are now feeding on demand too - you get to eat when you're hungry, not any set schedule. If this works okay today, you will lose the NG tube tomorrow. They may even stop your caffeine tomorrow too. I wanted to cry tears of joy with all this wonderful news. The doctor ended her recap by asking, "Is their room ready? They'll be going home very soon." I pray she is right. What a miracle you two are - so healthy and soon going home! What a fabulous day when the four of us are all together!

Twinning

Well boys, the length of your hospital stay has now surpassed my two stays combined, but your homecoming is definitely in sight. Saturday we spent the morning with you prepping you for your first two big Louisville games! Ryan, look at you, already working on your L.

While visiting, the doctor came over to prep us and see how we felt about one of you coming home before the other. We've known this has been a possibility from the beginning, so we were ready for this, but it will still be a difficult day. She continued by explaining that Wiley, she believed you'd be home in a day or two. In fact, she decided to take your feeding tube out and change your feeding orders to on-demand. You will continue to eat every three hours, unless you show "hungry signs" before that. We were thrilled!

Your daddy and I anxiously prepped that afternoon, thinking you'd be home by Monday...at the latest. 

This morning we were greeted with some exciting, as well as unexpected news. Wiley, for the first time you have passed up your brother in the weight department (by two-tenths of an ounce!). And even more exciting...you both broke five pounds!! In fact, preemie clothes are probably coming home, and newborn sized clothing brought to hospital tomorrow. You stinkpots also both had a destat last night (loving this twin thing - doing everything together already - the good and bad!). This means Wiley, you're guaranteed at least another 5 days and Ryan another 10 until your homecomings (5 until we stop caffeine and 5 more once off of the caffeine). If after those 5 and 10 days you've been destat free, you will come home. This was a bummer because Ryan your caffeine was going to be stopped Monday and Wiley we were ready to install the car seat. But, truthfully, we'd rather you stay longer than come home before your are perfectly ready. We've made it 40 days, so what's another few days in the grand scheme of things, right? Besides, you shouldn't even be born yet. This has all been bonus time for extra snuggles and kisses!

Merry Christmas

This week has been the most difficult for me emotionally. While you boys are doing beautifully, I'm starting to feel drained. The lack of sleep is starting to hit me. Having to plan my day and hospital visits around my hour and a half window between pumping is draining, when all I want is to be with you all the time! And finally, I had still been holding on to hope that you'd be home for Christmas. Reality set in this week as I had to finally accept that this wasn't going to happen. Which translates to...I've been a puddle of emotions!

However, Christmas Eve and Day turned out really nice. Your daddy and I were able to spend the morning and afternoon with you on both days. This Christmas has had us really refocus on the true purpose of Christmas. It wasn't about gifts this year - we decided not to exchange this year. It was about focusing on Christ's love.

How incredible that He willingly came to this earth to give His life for us. He is the only gift we should ever need. And yet, this year, He gave us two more gifts! Wiley and Ryan, you are the most beautiful and most precious gifts we could ever ask for. We are so blessed with two healthy little boys who are so very close to coming home. We love you very much, sweet boys!

Thankful

Today I found myself driving to the hospital in a state of frustration. I found myself starting to slip into the "whoa is me," mentality, using the dreaded, "It isn't fair," phrase just for a moment. It's not fair that I missed giving you your first baths. It's not fair that you aren't home yet. It's not fair that my maternity leave is being spent in a hospital without my babies with me at home. It's not fair...and on and on, I could've gone.

How incredibly foolish! What wasted energy today.

Yes, this isn't quite what we expected. And yes, it is terribly hard to leave you each day and to miss out on many of your firsts. But we are so blessed.

After years of struggle and pain, I have all I ever wanted in my arms. After a roller coaster pregnancy, unsure of what our end would look like, I have been given two perfectly healthy boys! Do you need a little extra care right now? Yes. But you are going to be just fine and for that we are so thankful. 

Once I arrived to the NICU, I found myself now thinking about what to do about work, bills, and the nonsense of everyday life I have to face. One of my favorite assistants happened to pass by our room as I was holding you guys. "This is it," she said. "This is what life is all about." As if she could read my thoughts, she continued on, "Money. Hmm, money comes and goes. But this, right here, your family, this is what really matters. Life goes too fast. Enjoy this because next thing you know they'll be walking across the stage graduating. Family and God that's what life is all about. Don't put your focus on money or things. Love your family and love your God....actually, reverse that. Love God first and then your family. If you put what really matters first, everything else will fall into place."

Amen.

No sense focusing on the negative. There is far too much beauty in our life to waste time on things that can't be changed.

Not long after, Aunt Aubrey texted me, "Did you ever listen to "thankful" by Josh Groban?" I hadn't. So, I looked it up.

Some days we forget to look around us
Some days we can't see the joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see

It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for

This year has been such an amazing roller coaster ride of the highest of highs and lowest of lows. But through it all, there's so much to be thankful for. Every time I pick you guys up, all negative thoughts are gone. There have been many moments this week that could have brought us difficult news, yet God has protected you through it all! Ryan, you gave us quite a scare Tuesday night. We prayed for you and God kept you safe. Thursday there were brain scans and eye exams - both went absolutely perfectly. Another answered prayer. Today, Ryan you had to have an echo to check your heart. Again, another opportunity for bad news, and yet God heard our prayers and the results came back great! There's so much to be thankful for!

Tonight, I pray that I don't "forget to look around," and "see the joy that surrounds us." Tonight, I pray that I stop getting "so caught up inside myself." And while I know I "can still do more, there's so much to be thankful for." I love you sweet boys and I pray for the strength to be an example to you both. I pray for the strength to continue on through this crazy NICU journey. I pray for your homecoming sometime soon! And I pray with a spirit of thankfulness for all the wonderful things we have in our lives!

Happy One Month

I walked in to your room today to see it all decorated for your big day!

Your nurses had decorated all of your cabinets for your "birthday." And what a wonderful sight to walk in on your special day and see those big ole isolates had been removed too.

Unfortunately, for you guys, you had a stressful day ahead of you. Your day began with another brain scan (easy-peasy) and was also going to include the dreaded eye test. I arrived much earlier than usual so that I could be with you long before the eye exam (drops at 10, test at 11) and immediately began to snuggle you two!

Your doctor came in to give me the daily update. Ryan, since going back on caffeine your destats have slowed back down and you haven't had one in nearly 24 hours! Woohoo! However, he also informed me that when listening to your heart today he heard a murmur. He's hoping tomorrow he doesn't hear it again, but if so they'll have to examine your heart more closely. We're praying that it goes away and this is nothing to be concerned about.

Soon after that news, the nurse informed me that the eye exam had been postponed until 2, maybe even later. She had also said it would probably be best that I wasn't there. I was so sad because I knew I wouldn't be there at two and wanted to be with you both for this test and afterwards to calm you down.

You were both saddened by this news too - Wiley you were already begging me not to leave you alone and Ryan, you went into prayer.

If I wasn't going to be there for the actual eye exam, I was definitely going to be back sometime after to check on you guys. While I was trying to work out the rest of my day, a new doctor walked into the NICU...it was the eye doctor! He was going to do the tests right now! While he spoke to your everyday doctor, my nurse let me know that she planned on taking you both to a back room in warmer beds for the test, but that I could wait in your room for your return.

The eye doctor returned and began setting up in your room. "I'll just do it right here, this is fine." The nurse turned to me, "Mom, you going to stay?" The eye doctor let me know he didn't mind if I stayed. And while I knew the nurse thought it was too intense for me to stay for, I replied, "Well, if my boys can survive the test, I surely can survive being in here with them." The doctor smiled, "I like your attitude, ma'am!"

So, we got in some final snuggles and smooches, I whispered some brave words to you guys, and offered a prayer for good results.

Wiley, you were up first, while I continued to hold you, Ryan. The doctor began to put the equipment onto your eyes and you began to wail! I wanted to go over and love on you, but had to stay back. So, I whispered to Ryan, hoping it would soon be over. Your crying didn't last long at all. I was so impressed with how bravely you handled the exam. And before we knew it, you were finished and the nurse was putting you back in my arms! The doctor looked at me with a smile, "He looks great!"

Ryan, I gave you a smooch and handed you off for your test, while comforting you, Wiley. Just like your big brother, Ryan, you passed with flying colors and hardly even cried! I have two tough little guys.

We snuggled some more, before going back to your cribs. After the test, you both slept so soundly - taking your temperature (which you usually scream louder for than the terrible eye exam you had!), changing your clothes, and getting a new diaper didn't even wake you. So, I smooched you each once more and let you recover.

We are so blessed that you are both healthy and continue to do well. Later this afternoon, we got the news that your follow-up brain scans came back normal! There is so much to be thankful for today. I cannot believe you are already a month old. Time is moving much too quickly! We pray that we'll soon be celebrating these monthly landmarks in our own home!

...One Step Back

Yesterday, we had another fabulous day together. When I arrived to your room, I was so excited to see the lids lifted up off of your isolates! Not only that, feeding orders had changed: no longer just trying once a day. As long as you were giving us "I'm hungry," cues we could nurse or give you a bottle. And finally, I didn't have to wait for a nurse to give me you. I have been taught how to unhook and hook up your monitors. So whenever I want, I can walk to your beds and pick you up. Sounds so small, but this is just so huge to me. Each tiny step forward helps me feel more like your mommy and less dependent on the nurses to take care of you.

Yesterday was a quiet day - just the three of us. I snuggled with you both, laying down on the couch. We listened and sung along to Christmas carols...I even read you "Twas the Night Before Christmas." Wiley, you really seemed to like it - keeping eye contact with me and smiling at me as I read. You both took your full bottles at 11:30, but were a little tired out at 2:30 so we stuck with the feeding tube.

That evening your Grandpa came back to visit with you. He hasn't seen you in person for awhile and was shocked at how big you had both gotten! Not only did Grandpa come by, but you also got to meet your Great Grandma Curran last night. She was shocked at how small you both were! While they were there, Daddy gave you a bottle, Wiley. Ryan you were still a little pooped out from earlier.

As we were getting into bed last night, we got another dreaded NICU call. I tried to stay calm, but when I heard it was the doctor and not the nurse on the phone, my heart instantly began to pound. Ryan, my dear, yesterday's excitement seemed to be just a bit too much for you. Within the past few days much had been changed: isolates open, caffeine stopped (helps with your breathing), bottle feedings as often as you want. They had tried giving you a bottle at 8:30, but you didn't take it all. Not long after, you began to have destat after destat. And not your typical destat. These were a bit scarier than usual - your color was drastically changing, heart-rate much too low, and it took a lot of stimulation to bring you back up. The doctor let us know that she believed you were just too tired from all the changes, but just to be safe she had had blood work drawn to make sure you weren't sick. She planned to restart your caffeine to help you out and would call us back within the hour to let us know how the labs had turned out (and if over an hour passed, she told us to call them back, in case things got busy).

I knew you were in good hands and being taken care of, but it's moments like these that makes me really hate not all being together. I tried not to spend the next hour in constant worry, but all I wanted was to be next to you, seeing for myself that you were okay. After 50 minutes from the first call, I was getting more anxious and was about to call them back. Instead, I decided to pray. I prayed for your protection and that the destats would slow down. I prayed that the doctor would call back now and would have good news. The second I whispered, "Amen," my phone rang! Sure enough, it was the doctor.

Thank God, your blood work came back perfectly normal. Also the caffeine was already back in your system and your destats had already begun to slow down. They were hoping to be able to keep your isolate open, but if you still seemed to be struggling, they'd close it to help take some more work / stress off your tiny body.

As soon as I woke up, I turned to your daddy, "Let's call the NICU." We were pleased to hear that the caffeine had really helped. Before giving you the caffeine, your destats were very consistent. You still had a few through the night, but they were a lot more sporadic. The destats had slowed down enough that they were even able to keep your isolate open for now. So, it seems like we pushed you just a little too hard, a little too fast, Big Guy. So, it's back to the caffeine to give you some extra assistance. I'm anxious to get to the hospital this morning, see you two, and give you both some extra snuggles!

Santa Claus is Comin' To Town

Last week, I felt like we were at a bit of a standstill. Not that you guys haven't been doing fabulous, just that the doctors haven't been making any changes because we have been really focused on you growing and getting stronger. As of last Thursday though, things have seemed to start taking off again and you have both been making big changes. This weekend and today was no exception!

Wiley, Daddy fed you for the first time on Sunday. You did amazing too and took 35 full cc's. Ryan, you were a little sleepy and we thought you wouldn't be able to feed, so, I got to give you a bath! At first, you didn't seem to like it, but quickly seemed to really enjoy it. Bath-time woke you up and you got your first try at a bottle too. You did a good job of learning how to coordinate your suck, swallow, breathe skills and took 10 cc's on your first try. 

Today, I arrived excited to see you guys and wasn't disappointed! We had such an incredible day...maybe one of the best! As soon as we arrived, I got to give you guys your bottles. Feedings have been increased again...now up to 40 cc's (woohoo! that's comparable to a typical newborn!). You both took the entire bottle!! I was just blown away at how well you did: no spitting up or choking. You both ate like ole pros! 

After finishing your bottle, Wiley you got to meet Aunt Aubrey, while I fed you, Ryan. After finishing your bottle, Ryan, you met her too! Not only did she hold you each alone, she also snuggled and loved on you both at the same time. Zsu Zsu also got time to love on her grand babies. It was such a wonderful afternoon!

Before leaving, I decided to put you guys into some cozy sleepers. So, into your adorable "My First Christmas," jammies you went. This turned into a great photo-opp! You two created quite the scene as all the nurses had to come take a peek to ooh and ahh over you. And as if things couldn't get any cuter, just five minutes later, Santa arrived! It was perfect! You got your first picture taken with Santa in your adorable Santa outfits.

And the day just kept getting better! Your daddy called me on his way home from the hospital to let me know the lids on your isolates had both been lifted. You have held your temps up all weekend and have now graduated to "cribs" (at this point still in the isolate, but without the top, so it's considered a crib). And lastly, we are now starting normal feedings at least twice, maybe even three times, a day! Such a great start to our fourth week, Little Guys. I just love watching all of these changes. We pray God continues to bless you guys and keep you safe. We know some day very soon, we will all be one happy family snuggled together at home!

34 Weeks

Wiley

• You did it Little Man, you now weigh 4 lbs even! You are eating 40 cc's every three hours over just 30 minutes (instead of the hour). Impressive.
• You are taking a full bottle once a day.
• You are so alert now; it is awesome. You hold eye contact for much longer periods of time, you like to look around and respond to voices, and you now cry for your feedings about 30 minutes before you're scheduled to eat. It is amazing to watch you grow and develop right before our eyes!

Ryan

• You now weigh 4 lbs 2 oz. You have caught up to your brother in the eating department - 40 cc's every three hours over just 30 minutes. Fabulous news!
• You are taking a full bottle once a day.
• You are a lot more alert now too, but you sure do love your naps! It's so fun watching you sleep. Even though your eyes are closed, you don't want to miss anything around you. You still smile with us when we laugh, even when you're sleeping!

We prayed so long for you two, our sweet Little Miracles. When I look at your faces, I still can't believe you are ours and you are already here with us. How is it that you are almost 4 weeks old?! Time is already moving much too quickly!

More Firsts

Wednesday:

• Wiley you took your first bottle - 10 cc's. For it being the first bottle, you did a good job of working on sucking, swallowing, and breathing. Keep it up, bud!

Thursday:

• Wiley you officially met Zsu Zsu when she got to hold you.
• You both showed your Cardinal pride by modeling Zsu Zsu's hat
• Ryan you got to nurse for the first time and did a great job, too!

Friday:

• They turned the heat on your isolates down to room air and you have both kept your body temps up. Which means....it's big boy clothes for you guys now! I will have to bring you some outfits tomorrow!
• You were finally awake while next to each other. 
• You met your Nanny!
• Ryan you hit the 4 pound mark!! We love how much you are both growing! Don't worry Wiley, you're only one ounce away from 4 pounds too!
• Your daddy finally held you both at the same time. 

Keep it up guys - it has been a great week and we have high hopes for next week too!

When I Leave the Room

I wish I had written these words myself. This song / album was written after dealing with postpartum depression. And while that isn't my experience, I can't help but feel connected to these words as I leave your room each day, leaving you in the hospital. And all I can do is hit my knees and pray that God watches over you each night that I am not by your side.

Good night
Looks like we made it through the day
The moon sighs
And I know that we're okay
 
Sleep tight
I love to watch you drift away
I would come with you but on my knees I'll stay
 
Good night
Five little fingers holding mine
Take flight
Into your dreams and lullabies
 
There's nothing more that I can do
But just fall more in love with you
And ask the angel armies to stand by
When I leave the room
 
I'm gonna fail you
I already have
Ten thousand times
I will fall down flat
 
You'll have a seat in the front row
Of everything I don't know
And all I'm trying to be
You'll see
 
Good night
There will be storms that we come through
In time
We will slay dragons me and you
 
I'll always wanna hold you tight
Keep you safe with all my might
So I will leave Jesus next to you
When I leave the room
 
And you will run ahead
As if you know the way
And I will pray more
Then one should have to pray
 
There will be words we can't take back
Silences too
And I'll be on my knees
You'll see
 
One night
When I am old and unsteady
You'll want me to fight
But I'll tell you that I'm ready
 
When there's nothing left to do
I will still be loving you
Then you'll fold your fingers into mine
And I will let Jesus hold you tight
When I leave the room 

Lift Up My Life

Faith is such a funny thing. Maybe not faith. Maybe it's mankind that is funny. Through the ups and downs of our fertility struggle, I trusted God would make us parents one way or another. And yet, as much as I believed that, there were days I questioned His plan. Once we got pregnant, I told everyone, "They'll be perfect. God has brought us too far not to bless this pregnancy." And yet we found ourselves in the hospital, begging God to keep you both safe. And again, there were days I questioned His plan.

Now, here we are, finally with the only thing we ever wanted. We are parents and so incredibly thankful for the miracle of your all's lives. And yet, I'm embarrassed to say, my human brain still gets in the way. I find myself slipping and asking God why we can't have you at home. I find myself asking why we don't get to experience these first weeks and maybe months like "normal" parents. I find myself still struggling as I leave you each day, even though I know you are in good hands.

As I was driving to the hospital today, I began pouring my heart out to God singing along to, "Lift My Life Up." It was such a perfect and much needed wake-up call. The lyrics are right on point to what we, as a family, are going through:

You brought me this far, so why would I question You now
You have provided, so why would I start to doubt
I've never been stranded, abandoned or left here to fight alone
So I'm giving You control

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in Your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up

Have Your way in me
Have Your way in me
 
Take my life and let it be all for You
Take my life and let it be all for You

No, the norm is not what God has planned for us. But He has provided us with you precious miracles, so why would we ever doubt His plan? In our darkest days of this journey, God has been by our side the entire time. So, why question Him?

Instead, as I promised at the water's edge on July 9, 2000, I lift my life up to Him. I lift my heart up. And though I know I will fall countless more times, I give it all over to Him and pray that my life can be an example to others.

Santa Baby

What a day, my boys! Today, both of your grandmas visited: Zsu Zsu and Nenny. And what a great day to visit because you were both ready to put on a show!

The first show was when you modeled your new Santa hats made for you by one of your nurses. You were both too cute for words - which of course means your momma went crazy with the pictures! I love the look you're each making in the bottom right picture. You are both clearly saying, "Mom. Enough."

I just couldn't get enough kisses and hugs in today!

After snuggling and loving on you each, it was time to go. However, Wiley, you obviously weren't ready for me to go. As you were getting a diaper change, we all heard a "thud." I thought for sure you had hit the side of your isolate with one of your ever flailing limbs. Nope. This was something I had never witnessed...nor even knew was possible!

You were still going to the bathroom when she pulled your diaper down. The thud we all heard would be the sound of your "business" hitting the front of your isolate. Truly. An explosion unlike anything I've ever witnessed (sorry buddy, but it's the truth!). I think you just needed more snuggles from your momma! So, out you came and back into my arms while your nurse and assistant stripped your isolate, took it out, and brought you a brand new one! Yes. It was that bad. You needed an entirely new isolate. And all in the midst of this, your feeding pump decided to start beeping due to a low battery. Your sweet nurse was running all over the place. And poor Ryan, all of this excitement interrupted the start of your feeding and you were not too happy about it (or was it that you were jealous, missed your momma too, and needed extra snuggles?! I'd like to think the latter, but it was probably the food!).

Finally, all had settled down and you were both snuggled in for another nap. As always, Wiley, you were kicked back and sprawled out and Ryan, you were nuzzled up to your snuggie.

As I do every day, I kissed you both goodbye and headed back home. All week, my evening plans were to decorate for Christmas and maybe do some baking. I have tried to get in the Christmas spirit, but there is just so much going on. Between losing your Great Grandma and having you guys in the hospital, Christmas decorations just don't seem to be a priority this year. All I want is to be with family this Christmas - no need for the craziness of commercialized Christmas. My theme song this Christmas has been, "I'll Be Home for Christmas;" that's all I want - you two home for Christmas.

At this point, I realize that probably is very unrealistic. And while I wish you could spend your first Christmas at home, snuggled with me on the couch in front of our tree, I know you are right where you need to be for right now. You are in wonderful, caring hands when I can't be there. You have people taking care of you who want to see you grow strong and healthy before sending you home. That being said, I did finally cave and decorated our tree. So, if you boys are ready, a Christmas tree is waiting for you back at home! And like the song says, if only in our dreams, you'll be home for Christmas! Love you, my sweet little Santa babies!

33 Weeks

Happy 33rd week boys and three week birthday tomorrow. 

Wiley 

• You are now weighing in at 3 lbs 8 ounces and eating 35 cc's every three hours. Way to go - that was your goal! 
• We are continuing to practice your nursing skills once a day too. Some days you seem to really have the hang of it and others you're more interested in sleeping (can't say I blame you when you are being fed without having to work for it through your feeding tube!). 
• You are our little Houdini. Your nurse put you on your belly, all wrapped up in your snuggie, and came back to find you on your back. Later, the doctor found you out of your snuggie and at the top of your mattress. Not sure how you're doing this little Squirmy Wormy, but the doctors joke that you'll be crawling out of your isolate before going home!

Ryan

• You are now weighing in at 3 lbs 11 ounces - we are so excited that this isn't IV fluid weight, but a healthy weight now!
• Today you began compressed feedings - 30 cc's every three hours! Yay - this was such an exciting step. If you tolerate these new feedings, you will hopefully lose your cannula in the next few days. And even more exciting, you will begin nursing once a day too. 
• You are our little observer. You are so much more alert this week. When people are talking or your machines beeping, you turn towards the sounds. You like to focus on objects around you and hold your gaze much longer than last week. 

It is so exciting watching the growth you are making each week. Keep it up boys and you'll soon be home at last!

Snow Day Snuggles

Today was your first snowstorm! The morning started out wet and rainy, then sleet, followed by ice, and finally with about 3 inches of snow.

But no worries, no ice nor flake would keep your momma from you (thanks to Paka driving me down in this terrible weather). We snuggled close all morning and afternoon and listened to some Christmas carols - now that's my kind of snow day!

best buds already

Two Steps Forward...

Before you were even born, when we began to realize there was a chance you'd be spending some time in the NICU, we were told by several different parents who experienced life in the NICU to be prepared for "two steps forward, one step back." We had been told not to stress over the constant beeps and dips in the monitors. We were told not to get down when faced with backwards progress. This has been such wonderful advice and has helped keep your daddy and I strong. I'm typically such a worrier, but I just know this will all just be a fleeting memory. So far we have been very blessed that we haven't really taken any steps backwards yet. However, Wednesday we did face a tiny bump in the road...

Wednesday morning I arrived to the NICU with Aunt Aubrey. As soon as we got there, we were given an update from both our nurse and the doctor. Side note: your NICU room is directly across from the doctor's office - literally two steps away! So anytime we arrive, we are always given an update directly from the doctor. This has been a fabulous little perk! After positive reports, the nurse asked if I was ready to love on you two, and as always, I answered, "Of course!" I was pleasantly surprised when she asked if I had / would want to hold you both at the same time! I was over the moon. You two have been side by side when your daddy and I both hold you, but I had never held you both myself. I was ecstatic!

Ryan you were just loving life next to your brother!

After an hour and a half of snuggles with you two, it was time to eat. Again, I was so pleasantly surprised when the doctor asked, "Want to try nursing today? Of course, it wouldn't be for nutritional sake, but for the sake of practice." I was thrilled! Ryan, you went back to your bed at this time (you would get to try later that afternoon). Wiley, you tried first because you are on the condensed feedings every three hours. So, while you were being fed, I was going to nurse. This way you'd make the connection between nursing and getting a full belly! I was thrilled when you actually did nurse for quick periods of time over the hour that we tried.

Ryan, since you are still on continuous feeds, we decided to wait until you begin the condensed feedings as well. The nurse thought it would better help you make the connection between nursing and getting full.

After nearly four hours of snuggling and loving on my boys, you were both ready to go back to your beds. I was so excited that you were both able to maintain your body temperatures for such a long period out of your bed. It was such a fabulous afternoon together!

After such a busy and full morning, you were both conked out & ready for another nap

Wednesday night, your daddy came to visit you all with Uncle Johnny. Besides loving on our boys, he had another mission: don't forget extra bottles for me. So, once I knew he was at the hospital, I called to remind him, "Do you have the bottles yet?"

"Well...not yet, no."

There was something in his voice that made me instantly ask, "Are the boys okay?"

"Well..." (the longest two second pause of my life!) "Ryan had a bit of a scare this evening. But he's doing better now." Your daddy then explained to me that when he walked into your room, there were two doctors and a nurse working on you, Ryan. Trying to break the tension, he said to the doctors and nurse, "Well, this isn't what you want to see when you first show up!" They quickly reassured him that it wasn't that you were in any serious harm, it was mainly just because of a shift change and the doctors were coming up with a game plan.

Ryan, you had de-stated again several times after I left, and for the first time in awhile, dropped your heart rate without being able to bring it back up yourself. On top of that, you were retaining all your IV fluids (even though they had been stopped a day ago) and had become pretty puffy. The doctor decided to run a few labs to check for infection and an x-ray to make sure you weren't retaining fluids around your lungs. Thank God, all of those tests came back perfectly normal. So, they decided you were just telling us, "Hey, I'm still a 32 week preemie; I still need some extra assistance here!" They gave you one dose of medicine to help bring the swelling down and help you get rid of the extra fluid, as well as put the cannula back in your nose to give you a little bit of extra flow for your breathing.

I called the NICU more times than we usually do last night, just to make sure you were okay. Each time we were reassured that all was well and you hadn't de-stated as much.

This morning, they tried to remove the cannula Ryan, but you weren't quite ready for that. So, you're still getting a little extra help. But I think the most help came when you were again reunited with your brother!

Holding you both yesterday was just fabulous, but today I got to kangaroo you both! This was even better - for me and for you guys! You haven't been this close to each other since before you were born. Both of your oxygen levels were at 100% most of the time we were together - the highest it's been for you Ryan in a long time and Wiley, you held steady at 100% longer than you usually do.

Wiley, you got your 12:00 feeding during kangaroo time. I was shocked and excited; as soon as you began getting your feeding, you began imitating nursing again. It was neat to see you making the correlation between feeding and nursing!

Over the past two days we have taken several great steps in the right direction, with just a tiny hiccup last night Ryan, but not even enough to call it a step backward. As always, we are so thankful that God has His eye on you two and continues to keep you so safe and well. We are already so blessed to have you sweet boys in our life. We pray you both continue to grow, improve, and trust that in God's perfect timing you will come home!