...One Step Back

Yesterday, we had another fabulous day together. When I arrived to your room, I was so excited to see the lids lifted up off of your isolates! Not only that, feeding orders had changed: no longer just trying once a day. As long as you were giving us "I'm hungry," cues we could nurse or give you a bottle. And finally, I didn't have to wait for a nurse to give me you. I have been taught how to unhook and hook up your monitors. So whenever I want, I can walk to your beds and pick you up. Sounds so small, but this is just so huge to me. Each tiny step forward helps me feel more like your mommy and less dependent on the nurses to take care of you.

Yesterday was a quiet day - just the three of us. I snuggled with you both, laying down on the couch. We listened and sung along to Christmas carols...I even read you "Twas the Night Before Christmas." Wiley, you really seemed to like it - keeping eye contact with me and smiling at me as I read. You both took your full bottles at 11:30, but were a little tired out at 2:30 so we stuck with the feeding tube.

That evening your Grandpa came back to visit with you. He hasn't seen you in person for awhile and was shocked at how big you had both gotten! Not only did Grandpa come by, but you also got to meet your Great Grandma Curran last night. She was shocked at how small you both were! While they were there, Daddy gave you a bottle, Wiley. Ryan you were still a little pooped out from earlier.

As we were getting into bed last night, we got another dreaded NICU call. I tried to stay calm, but when I heard it was the doctor and not the nurse on the phone, my heart instantly began to pound. Ryan, my dear, yesterday's excitement seemed to be just a bit too much for you. Within the past few days much had been changed: isolates open, caffeine stopped (helps with your breathing), bottle feedings as often as you want. They had tried giving you a bottle at 8:30, but you didn't take it all. Not long after, you began to have destat after destat. And not your typical destat. These were a bit scarier than usual - your color was drastically changing, heart-rate much too low, and it took a lot of stimulation to bring you back up. The doctor let us know that she believed you were just too tired from all the changes, but just to be safe she had had blood work drawn to make sure you weren't sick. She planned to restart your caffeine to help you out and would call us back within the hour to let us know how the labs had turned out (and if over an hour passed, she told us to call them back, in case things got busy).

I knew you were in good hands and being taken care of, but it's moments like these that makes me really hate not all being together. I tried not to spend the next hour in constant worry, but all I wanted was to be next to you, seeing for myself that you were okay. After 50 minutes from the first call, I was getting more anxious and was about to call them back. Instead, I decided to pray. I prayed for your protection and that the destats would slow down. I prayed that the doctor would call back now and would have good news. The second I whispered, "Amen," my phone rang! Sure enough, it was the doctor.

Thank God, your blood work came back perfectly normal. Also the caffeine was already back in your system and your destats had already begun to slow down. They were hoping to be able to keep your isolate open, but if you still seemed to be struggling, they'd close it to help take some more work / stress off your tiny body.

As soon as I woke up, I turned to your daddy, "Let's call the NICU." We were pleased to hear that the caffeine had really helped. Before giving you the caffeine, your destats were very consistent. You still had a few through the night, but they were a lot more sporadic. The destats had slowed down enough that they were even able to keep your isolate open for now. So, it seems like we pushed you just a little too hard, a little too fast, Big Guy. So, it's back to the caffeine to give you some extra assistance. I'm anxious to get to the hospital this morning, see you two, and give you both some extra snuggles!