Thankful

Today I found myself driving to the hospital in a state of frustration. I found myself starting to slip into the "whoa is me," mentality, using the dreaded, "It isn't fair," phrase just for a moment. It's not fair that I missed giving you your first baths. It's not fair that you aren't home yet. It's not fair that my maternity leave is being spent in a hospital without my babies with me at home. It's not fair...and on and on, I could've gone.

How incredibly foolish! What wasted energy today.

Yes, this isn't quite what we expected. And yes, it is terribly hard to leave you each day and to miss out on many of your firsts. But we are so blessed.

After years of struggle and pain, I have all I ever wanted in my arms. After a roller coaster pregnancy, unsure of what our end would look like, I have been given two perfectly healthy boys! Do you need a little extra care right now? Yes. But you are going to be just fine and for that we are so thankful. 

Once I arrived to the NICU, I found myself now thinking about what to do about work, bills, and the nonsense of everyday life I have to face. One of my favorite assistants happened to pass by our room as I was holding you guys. "This is it," she said. "This is what life is all about." As if she could read my thoughts, she continued on, "Money. Hmm, money comes and goes. But this, right here, your family, this is what really matters. Life goes too fast. Enjoy this because next thing you know they'll be walking across the stage graduating. Family and God that's what life is all about. Don't put your focus on money or things. Love your family and love your God....actually, reverse that. Love God first and then your family. If you put what really matters first, everything else will fall into place."

Amen.

No sense focusing on the negative. There is far too much beauty in our life to waste time on things that can't be changed.

Not long after, Aunt Aubrey texted me, "Did you ever listen to "thankful" by Josh Groban?" I hadn't. So, I looked it up.

Some days we forget to look around us
Some days we can't see the joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see

It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for

This year has been such an amazing roller coaster ride of the highest of highs and lowest of lows. But through it all, there's so much to be thankful for. Every time I pick you guys up, all negative thoughts are gone. There have been many moments this week that could have brought us difficult news, yet God has protected you through it all! Ryan, you gave us quite a scare Tuesday night. We prayed for you and God kept you safe. Thursday there were brain scans and eye exams - both went absolutely perfectly. Another answered prayer. Today, Ryan you had to have an echo to check your heart. Again, another opportunity for bad news, and yet God heard our prayers and the results came back great! There's so much to be thankful for!

Tonight, I pray that I don't "forget to look around," and "see the joy that surrounds us." Tonight, I pray that I stop getting "so caught up inside myself." And while I know I "can still do more, there's so much to be thankful for." I love you sweet boys and I pray for the strength to be an example to you both. I pray for the strength to continue on through this crazy NICU journey. I pray for your homecoming sometime soon! And I pray with a spirit of thankfulness for all the wonderful things we have in our lives!