Fertile Myrtle

One thing with this journey that still throws me off....the tiniest things that will make me angry or sad.

Today during lunch a woman made the comment, "Yep. Just call me Fertile Myrtle. My husband could just look at me and we'd be pregnant. It was really always such a nuisance."

Well, I almost lost it. I so badly wanted to say, "Really? A nuisance? Yeah, it must be so terrible being able to get pregnant the way we were intended to. Wanna hear about a nuisance lady? How about taking pills all the time, wearing estrogen patches to counter the crazy pills, giving yourself shots, constant blood work and ultrasounds, peeing on a stick daily just to see "nope, not working," hot flashes, mood swings, depression, nausea, and intense cramping, all to TRY to get pregnant, never knowing if you will be able to have a child of your own....yeah. That's a nuisance. And until you've been there, you can quit your complaining about being able to be a mother."

Yep. That's what I wanted to say. Instead, I politely smiled, gave a phony chuckle with the rest of the lunch group, and continued nibbling on my crackers.

So, this put me on edge today. And once I'm there, it's like I'm looking for more reasons to be angry. And as expected, I was successful. I could tear apart every word that came out of everyone's mouth.

On my drive home, I told myself to snap out of it! I rolled the windows down to enjoy the beautiful fall weather we've been having. I popped in my "Let Faith Arise," CD and began belting it out! The songs are in chronological order of this journey; songs that I know God had me hear during very specific moments throughout this journey. I retraced my steps up to this point -- the highs and the lows.

I found myself so quickly shaken from my anger. I found myself, arms wide out, singing with all my heart, and talking with God. Tears streamed down my face this evening, as I was thanking God for every step of this journey. I even found myself thanking Him for the "Fertile Myrtle," comments I've heard throughout this journey. They will make me that much more thankful for you! Not everyone gets to have such a long journey to their babies....we will love you that much more, little one, because we waited so long and patiently for you!

I found myself praying for you. I am so excited for God to trust me with your life. I cannot wait to welcome you into this family. I know that this journey has made me so much more thankful for things I once took for granted. I find myself with a whole new appreciation for life. I was weeping, driving down the road, thinking of all that awaits us. People say that being a parent is unlike any love you'll ever know. And I know they are right. But let me say, I already love you so much, my precious one. My words are not doing the emotion and love I felt for you while driving home any justice. I just cannot wait for that moment when I look into your eyes and hold you for the first time. If I already love you this much, I can't imagine what that love will be like once you are here.

And now, as I sit here, reflecting on my evening, I find myself thinking, "How repetitive must I sound to God?" Hmmm: get angry with this journey, get sad, get rescued, feel revived, get hope, repeat. I am so thankful to serve such a forgiving and patient God. Thank you God for continually picking me up. Thank you God for forgiving me in my moments of sadness or anger. And thank you God, for always showing yourself to me. Thank you for reminding me that you are always here with us. Thank you for this miracle that you will someday work in our lives!