Gatlinburg

This weekend found me in a peculiar situation...a weekend getaway to Gatlinburg with my sister-in-laws and their families. My pregnant sister-in-laws.

The first full day down here was spectacular. The three husbands and myself went on a five mile hike to Rainbow Falls in the Smoky Mountains. The views were stunning. It was so peaceful to be out in the middle of nowhere taking in the sights. I found myself thanking God for the opportunity to go and see something new, another one of his magnificent creations.

Once we got home, things got difficult for me. It is so hard to be around these pregnant bellies. It was different when they weren't showing - still hard - but not in my face every second. Now, every time I look at them I am reminded - they're pregnant, I'm not.

I truly know God has a perfect plan for us and that you will soon be in our lives. But it's just so hard not to wonder, why them? Why not me?

I am typing these words on a gorgeous, crisp morning on the back porch of our cabin looking out on a spectacular view, I am listening to my Let Faith Arise playlist, and realizing in my pain, God is still with me. I know have blogged about this song before, but as I type these are the lyrics playing right now:

When I'm far away from home

And the cool winds start to blow.

When I'm empty and alone, I turn to you.

When there's hardness in my heart

And I can't see the truth.

When I'm wandering in the dark,

I turn to you.

And here in your holy presence

It's all that I can do.

I turn to you Jesus

I turn to you, Lord

What else can I do, Jesus

I turn to you.

I can't help but smile as I sing along. Thank you God for reminding me. How perfect were these lyrics: I was sitting here, feeling so "far away from home" and so "alone" out here. No one understands the pain. I am feeling angry at my sister-in-laws - feeling a "hardness in my heart" and not understanding / "seeing the truth" in this journey. And then I looked out at my view and felt God with me - I felt His "holy presence." And I instantly felt comforted, I turned to Jesus, and felt a peace.

Yes, this weekend is difficult and painful. Yes it sometimes seems unfair, but through it all, I know God still loves me. I know He has a greater plan for me than I can see right now. This struggle will all be worth it in the end. We will love and appreciate you so much more than had you just been given to us when we first asked. And maybe this time next year, I will be holding you on this porch swing, taking in this incredible view. And until then, we will wait. Faithfully.