363 days

October 20, 2011, I had a doctor's appointment because there were some things going on that just didn't seem right. We had been ready to meet you for seven months at this point and there was still no sign.

October 31, 2011....363 days from today, almost a year to the date, the word infertility was used in my doctor's appointment. "Looks like you may have some issues with infertility. You'll have to wait to speak with Dr. Johnson. Make an appointment when you check out and she'll see you in a couple of weeks." And just like that, the doctor was out of the room. As if hearing the diagnosis of infertility is no big deal. And there I was, left alone with my tears, fears, and uncertainties. It was probably the most difficult appointment I have ever had because I had not even come close to thinking about fertility problems.

October 31, 2011 I was so ready to be pregnant.

Now, here we are, October 29th, 2012 and I find myself in a much better state of mind. The past year and seven months have been trying; that is for sure. It has tested me as an individual and it has tested my relationship as a wife. But I have so grown through this experience. I have experienced physical things I never thought possible (how is it, the girl who used to scream and fuss over a finger prick, stuck a needle into her own stomach yesterday?!). I have experienced emotional things that have made me stronger. And most importantly is the spiritual growth I have made throughout this journey.

I go into today's appointment with a trust and freedom I never thought possible. I know that God's hand is in this journey completely. I know that God is going to give us you. And because of this faith and trust, I know that whatever happens today is God's plan. I go into today's appointment with that same desire to become a mother, but I don't have the fear that the word "infertility" caused me nearly a year ago. Fear has no place in this journey anymore because I know completely that God will work this miracle.

So, after a year of medicine, a year of countless appointments and procedures, I go into this appointment putting this journey solely in God's hands. I go into this appointment full of faith. I go into this appointment with an open-heart and open-mind, trusting that God will work this miracle because, "if you have faith, and doubt not, it will be done. And all things, whatsoever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you will receive."

No matter what, I will remember these words today (I've heard this song a thousand times, but heard it again on the radio this morning):
"You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In God times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

You're the only God
Whose power none can contend
You're the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You're the only God
Who's worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that's just the way it is"