My Family is the Best

cheering me up with hours of giggles playing hedbanz

ahhhh! aunt aubrey after brushing her hair

trip downstairs to ice cream

teaching my nurses how to knit

recreating my favorite scene from A Charlie Brown Christmas

missing my nephews....FaceTime-ing with them

aunt aubrey brought me fall - pumpkin pie dip & pumpkin seeds

she also brought me falling leaves...

...and sprinkled some on you two too

Fifty in Fifty

Well my Little Ones, we continue to shock the doctors! Today marks the fiftieth day of bed rest (30 in the hospital, 20 at home). When we were first hospitalized they were just trying to buy time and maybe make it through the 22nd week. Here we are, more than 7 weeks later, and we're still going strong. Wow. We serve an incredible God! Just think how precious your lives are to Him. You are two special boys who already I love more than I ever dreamed.

As I reflect on 50 days, I have been thinking of all the meaningless tasks you usually don't even think about doing that I now miss doing terribly. I have been thinking of all the things I used to take for granted that I used to do. So, here we have it, "50 Things I Haven't Done in Over 50 Days."

1. Been to church (still feels funny each Sunday morning)

2. Driven

3. Showered for as long as I want

4. Showered standing up

5. Laundry (truly, I miss this!)

6. Vaccumed

7. Been grocery shopping

8. Been shopping for fun 

9. Been to my school

10. Taught (hate this one!)

11. Seen my students (and this one)

12. Gone out to eat

13. Pumped gas

14. Been to any public place besides my doctor's office and hospital (which are in the same building)

15. Seen my nephews (hate this too - the little guys probably don't even know me!)

16. Cooked

17. Cleaned anything

18. Done the dishes

19. Loaded the dishwasher

20. Unloaded the dishwasher

21. Put groceries away

22. Picked anything up that doesn't weigh more than a couple ounces!

23. Walked anywhere for more than a minute (and that was just for my doctor appointment)

24. Sat up for more than 30 minutes

25. Truly hugged someone standing up (mostly given awkward head hugs from my bed)

26. Made any kind of purchase (besides online) myself

27. Graded papers

28. Seen or written in my plan book (I'm sure they're learning just fine....but I miss mapping out the lessons!)

29. Emailed or responded to any parents from school (surely they've figured out where I am by now!)

30. Put makeup on standing up in the bathroom 

31. Gone for a walk through my neighborhood 

32. Paid and dropped off the water bill (typically my chore)

33. Run and jumped into bed

34. Danced

35. Pulled weeds / been to my garden 

36. Exercised

37. Baked

38. Rented a redbox

39. Gone to the library

40. Gone to the post office

41. Gone to a football game (missed the UL and high school season)

42. Been to family birthday parties

43. Eaten at a table or eaten sitting up

44. Ran up the stairs

45. Set an alarm

46. Slept through the night

47. Been to the movies

48. Gone through a drive-thru

49. Been to my parents' for Sunday dinner

50. Haven't been called Mrs. Curran by my sweet fourth graders

As hard as bed rest can be, it'll all be worth it some day soon!

A Christmas Miracle

Hi. My name is Courtney and I'm a Christmas-holic.

It's true. Carols can be heard playing year round in my house. Typically, I transition to carols only by late September / early October. I know. I have a problem, what can I say, but I just love Christmas!! It is such a happy, magical time of the year. It makes me giddy. 

I would say most people know this about your wacky momma. November 1st the radio stations started to play carols too (not that I'd know that....I haven't been in a car to hear the radio in ages). But so many people were sure to let me know that carols had begun. You'd think this would make me happy. You'd think I would have already had my carols going. 

Confession number 2: I had not been listening to carols at all. I was not at all excited about Christmas. There would be no Christmas trees or decorations this year. I'm stuck in a hospital. And while I have come to terms with that, I just didn't feel the need to get excited about Christmas. Right now, you two are my priority. 

Well, Aunt Aubrey wasn't having it! Tuesday night she spent the night in the hospital with me. Her secret mission: get me into the Christmas spirit. She begun her mission by giving me gingerbread soap - which I loved, but still not ready for carols. 

Wednesday morning she came and snuggled in my bed with me while looking for cute family Christmas traditions. Before I knew it, I was on board, looking with her, and carols were blasting! That morning my mom brought us Starbucks....in the fun, red Christmas cups! It was official. I had been sabotaged and Christmas-ified. 

Okay, but here's the real Christmas miracle!! I should've known when I woke up this morning to my absolute favorite Christmas song, sung in my favorite version that today was going to be an incredible day. 

While finishing up my post-shower morning routine, my doctor strolled in. Are you ready for this boys?! She said, "Well, you have really stabilized. You haven't been on meds for more than half a week now and not only are your contractions staying the same, they've actually slowed down, which is just amazing. As long as nothing changes, I don't see why we wouldn't send you home at 32 weeks. 32 weeks would be an incredible mark to make with twins and you'd be safe to deliver any point after that. We don't give the steroids past 34 weeks either, so we'd give you one final dose before sending you home and you'd be covered up to 34 weeks. In fact, you're so stable, we may even consider sending you home at 30 weeks."

What?!?! Where did this even come from?? It seems like when I am most discouraged and feeling like all my "hard work" is for nothing, God smiles down on me and gives me something to hold on to! Who would've thought we'd even dare whisper the words "32 weeks" when this all began. I don't want to jump the gun here because I know I still have very important work ahead of me. But I do thank God for encouraging news this morning. I truly believe 32 is very possible for us at this point - you have proven yourself to be such fighters already, Little Miracles. I truly believe God has wrapped us safely in His arms and is going to keep the three of us safe. He has brought us this far, there is no reason I wouldn't believe with complete faith that he will continue to do so.

Vitamin D

Saturday, Dr. Cook visited us and checked on how things were going. Again, he was very encouraging and we enjoyed another positive report. He had three main concerns:

1. Meet with NICU doctors to hear stats on babies born at 28-29 weeks. (No thank you. Instead, a NICU doctor brought us a book to educate ourselves. I like to stay informed and I know the stats. But I process information better reading on my own - I'll ask questions if I have them. I absolutely hate hearing out loud the "what if's" and I just don't see the point. Yes, if you are born in the next two weeks, we may face the listed struggles. But these doctors don't take God into consideration. We are making it well past 29 weeks, Little Miracles, and He is going to keep you safe.)

2. Getting me out of my hospital room and back to taking daily wheelchair rides

3. Vitamin D added to my long list of pills

Sunday, Dr. Cook returned and your daddy proudly proclaimed, "Vitamin D pills are on their way today!"

Dr. Cook smiled, "Good, good." Then he peered out the window, "But you know, it really is a beautiful day. Maybe today we skip the pills and get some natural vitamin D outside?"

Well, your daddy was all over it! He left almost immediately and hunted down a wheelchair for me. He was so excited to show me the "excitement" of the first floor - including the gift shop and a teeny-tiny door that has perplexed him for weeks!

tiny door....that leads to someone's office!!

It's quite sad how happy leaving the third floor made me! After roaming the new hallways for a bit, we headed out for a stroll around the parking lot. After being outside for less than 2 minutes, your daddy spun me around and headed back to the building. "I know where we need to go! Hold on....let's see if I can find a cut through."

Five minutes later we were back outside, on the opposite end of the building. He was very determined to get us wherever it was he was taking us...

look at that focus and determination

I soon realized where we were and saw the park across the street. During my first stay, my daily wheelchair rides included a stop at a large window where I would watch the kids playing at the park. I never made it downstairs during my first stay, but just watching the park would cheer me up. "You said in your post Saturday that you were sad that we wouldn't be able to take maternity pics in a park. Maybe we still can! We could always come here!" I was beyond excited - first to be outdoors, in a beautiful park with fall colors surrounding me, but second to have such a thoughtful husband who tried to solve my woes after reading my pity party post. I would have been perfectly content rolling around the parking lot looking at cars, but this was so much better!

28 Weeks

28 weeks is a HUGE milestone and we are beyond thankful to celebrate this day. But, here are a few silly things I'm thankful for today too...

One of Those Days

So overall I feel like I have tried to be positive throughout this entire experience. However, today I feel like I need just a moment of weakness to vent. So, I apologize in advance, but here are some things that have me down...

Going through the struggle of infertility is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It is full of a pain, fear, and emptiness unlike anything I have ever experienced. Looking back though, it has showed me that I am far stronger than I would have ever dreamed. It has taught me to truly appreciate the miracle of pregnancy at possibly a deeper level than others. Not to say other mothers don't appreciate pregnancy, I just feel like I have a very different perspective. So while our infertility struggle was probably the most painful and difficult experience of our lives, I learned a lot. 

That being said, there has always been a part of me that feels like we were robbed out of the chance to become parents naturally. In the beginning we prayed hard and trusted God would make us parents one way or another. But the constant (two and three times a week) doctor's appointments are taxing. We lost the joy and surprise of finding out if we were pregnant in private. I felt like the whole world knew my body's schedule and were waiting with us. And while it was wonderful to have such a support system, it just wasn't what "normal" couples got to experience. 

Once we were finally pregnant and celebrated our news, I vowed never to complain about any pregnancy pains. We had prayed too hard for this miracle for morning sickness or aches and pains to discourage us. We were going to soak up everything about pregnancy!

Now, as I sit here in my hospital bed, part of me is feeling a little discouraged that now I'm missing out on the beauty of pregnancy. I see pictures of other pregnant women out enjoying this fabulous experience and can't help but feel jealousy. Or I hear other women complaining about being uncomfortable (as I'm camped out in a hospital indefinitely) and can't help but get angry. It just seems cruel to me that we were robbed out of normal fertility, and now I feel like we've been robbed of this pregnancy. 

All my life I have dreamed of becoming a parent. I so badly want to experience "nesting" and preparing your sweet nursery. I want to be able to go shopping for the perfect coming home outfit. I want to take maternity pictures in a park with your daddy. I want to struggle to figure out how to put your car seats in for the first time. I want to wash, fold, and put away your sweet clothes. I wanted to enjoy every day of my pregnancy. I just never saw us being trapped in a hospital for, possibly, weeks on end. 

And yet, in the midst of my discouragement today, please know boys I have not lost sight of the bigger picture. It was just six weeks ago that doctors were preparing us for the worst and doubted we should even dream about seeing 25 weeks pregnant. And here we are, one day shy of 28 weeks! So while I feel like I've been robbed out of becoming pregnant naturally and now enjoying pregnancy, I still thank God. There were days when we thought becoming parents may just not happen for us. Not only are we going to be parents, but we get to be parents twice! And while our journey to parenthood may not be like that of what normal couples experience, we are thankful. I praise God for the miracles I feel constantly kicking and moving within me. I pray He continues to shelter you two and keep you safe. I pray that I continue to hold on to my faith and strength in the weeks that lie ahead of us. I am so looking forward to that moment when I hear your first cries and can finally hold my perfect babies in my arms. Please know how much you are already loved, Little Ones. I would do anything to protect you. 

Happy Halloween

I was so excited to be pregnant for Halloween. I had been searching for a costume for awhile and was excited to be a "Mummy to be." But as I'm learning, things don't seem to go as I plan. So, Halloween was going to be spent in the hospital, focused on keeping you two safe (so much more important than a silly costume and trick or treaters anyway!). But what was in store for us this Halloween, tricks or treats?

Wednesday started off pretty stressful with the cramps picking back up. At 7:15, I let the nurses know they were getting intense again. I had just taken my contraction pill at 7:00, so she wanted to wait until 8:00 to see if that helped. By 8:15 not only had the pills not worked, but cramps had definitely intensified. Unfortunately my nurse was with another patient at this time, so another nurse came in and moved the contraction monitor down on my belly to better pick up the cramps. (Super helpful that was - especially if this was preterm labor!! I didn't need them to be picked up, I needed them to stop!)

By 8:40, my pain level had really increased and I was starting to panic. Your daddy was already at work and my parents were on their way over. All I could think was that I did not want to deliver you two alone! Thank goodness my nurse, along with Terri, came in at this point. Based on where my pain was, they wondered if I had an infection instead of going into labor. 

So, after running a few tests, they discovered the pain was being caused by a UTI compounded by the fact that I had a baby on my bladder, a catheter, and a heart monitor pushing down on bladder. Pain was almost instantly gone once the catheter and monitor were removed, and things got even better once the antibiotics kicked in. 

From there, it was a pretty uneventful day and even ended with me being sent back upstairs since things had stabilized so much....until the middle of the night!

Early Halloween morning (2:40 AM), I was woken up for another round of IV antibiotics only to find my vein was not corporating. So, I had to wait for the IV team to come up, give me yet another IV, and then finally we could start my antibiotics. What should have been a quick 30 minutes, turned into an hour and a half. I finally fell back asleep around 4:15, but that didn't last long either!

It seemed as if we were going to have more tricks than treats this Halloween. I was woken up at 6:15 by very constant contractions and had at least one nearly every minute for 15 minutes! So, it was back on the monitors and discussion of sending me back to labor and delivery! This time, your daddy decided to stay and be a little late to work. After two hours of monitoring and more meds, things seemed to return to "normal" and we were allowed to stay on third floor.

Not sure what it is about the mornings boys, but it seems like most excitement is during this time. Once the excitement dies down, the rest of the day seems to be fairly uneventful. I was so concerned we'd have you two by Halloween. So I'm so thankful for another two days down with you still safe inside and pray for many more!