Santa Baby

What a day, my boys! Today, both of your grandmas visited: Zsu Zsu and Nenny. And what a great day to visit because you were both ready to put on a show!

The first show was when you modeled your new Santa hats made for you by one of your nurses. You were both too cute for words - which of course means your momma went crazy with the pictures! I love the look you're each making in the bottom right picture. You are both clearly saying, "Mom. Enough."

I just couldn't get enough kisses and hugs in today!

After snuggling and loving on you each, it was time to go. However, Wiley, you obviously weren't ready for me to go. As you were getting a diaper change, we all heard a "thud." I thought for sure you had hit the side of your isolate with one of your ever flailing limbs. Nope. This was something I had never witnessed...nor even knew was possible!

You were still going to the bathroom when she pulled your diaper down. The thud we all heard would be the sound of your "business" hitting the front of your isolate. Truly. An explosion unlike anything I've ever witnessed (sorry buddy, but it's the truth!). I think you just needed more snuggles from your momma! So, out you came and back into my arms while your nurse and assistant stripped your isolate, took it out, and brought you a brand new one! Yes. It was that bad. You needed an entirely new isolate. And all in the midst of this, your feeding pump decided to start beeping due to a low battery. Your sweet nurse was running all over the place. And poor Ryan, all of this excitement interrupted the start of your feeding and you were not too happy about it (or was it that you were jealous, missed your momma too, and needed extra snuggles?! I'd like to think the latter, but it was probably the food!).

Finally, all had settled down and you were both snuggled in for another nap. As always, Wiley, you were kicked back and sprawled out and Ryan, you were nuzzled up to your snuggie.

As I do every day, I kissed you both goodbye and headed back home. All week, my evening plans were to decorate for Christmas and maybe do some baking. I have tried to get in the Christmas spirit, but there is just so much going on. Between losing your Great Grandma and having you guys in the hospital, Christmas decorations just don't seem to be a priority this year. All I want is to be with family this Christmas - no need for the craziness of commercialized Christmas. My theme song this Christmas has been, "I'll Be Home for Christmas;" that's all I want - you two home for Christmas.

At this point, I realize that probably is very unrealistic. And while I wish you could spend your first Christmas at home, snuggled with me on the couch in front of our tree, I know you are right where you need to be for right now. You are in wonderful, caring hands when I can't be there. You have people taking care of you who want to see you grow strong and healthy before sending you home. That being said, I did finally cave and decorated our tree. So, if you boys are ready, a Christmas tree is waiting for you back at home! And like the song says, if only in our dreams, you'll be home for Christmas! Love you, my sweet little Santa babies!

33 Weeks

Happy 33rd week boys and three week birthday tomorrow. 

Wiley 

• You are now weighing in at 3 lbs 8 ounces and eating 35 cc's every three hours. Way to go - that was your goal! 
• We are continuing to practice your nursing skills once a day too. Some days you seem to really have the hang of it and others you're more interested in sleeping (can't say I blame you when you are being fed without having to work for it through your feeding tube!). 
• You are our little Houdini. Your nurse put you on your belly, all wrapped up in your snuggie, and came back to find you on your back. Later, the doctor found you out of your snuggie and at the top of your mattress. Not sure how you're doing this little Squirmy Wormy, but the doctors joke that you'll be crawling out of your isolate before going home!

Ryan

• You are now weighing in at 3 lbs 11 ounces - we are so excited that this isn't IV fluid weight, but a healthy weight now!
• Today you began compressed feedings - 30 cc's every three hours! Yay - this was such an exciting step. If you tolerate these new feedings, you will hopefully lose your cannula in the next few days. And even more exciting, you will begin nursing once a day too. 
• You are our little observer. You are so much more alert this week. When people are talking or your machines beeping, you turn towards the sounds. You like to focus on objects around you and hold your gaze much longer than last week. 

It is so exciting watching the growth you are making each week. Keep it up boys and you'll soon be home at last!

Snow Day Snuggles

Today was your first snowstorm! The morning started out wet and rainy, then sleet, followed by ice, and finally with about 3 inches of snow.

But no worries, no ice nor flake would keep your momma from you (thanks to Paka driving me down in this terrible weather). We snuggled close all morning and afternoon and listened to some Christmas carols - now that's my kind of snow day!

best buds already

Two Steps Forward...

Before you were even born, when we began to realize there was a chance you'd be spending some time in the NICU, we were told by several different parents who experienced life in the NICU to be prepared for "two steps forward, one step back." We had been told not to stress over the constant beeps and dips in the monitors. We were told not to get down when faced with backwards progress. This has been such wonderful advice and has helped keep your daddy and I strong. I'm typically such a worrier, but I just know this will all just be a fleeting memory. So far we have been very blessed that we haven't really taken any steps backwards yet. However, Wednesday we did face a tiny bump in the road...

Wednesday morning I arrived to the NICU with Aunt Aubrey. As soon as we got there, we were given an update from both our nurse and the doctor. Side note: your NICU room is directly across from the doctor's office - literally two steps away! So anytime we arrive, we are always given an update directly from the doctor. This has been a fabulous little perk! After positive reports, the nurse asked if I was ready to love on you two, and as always, I answered, "Of course!" I was pleasantly surprised when she asked if I had / would want to hold you both at the same time! I was over the moon. You two have been side by side when your daddy and I both hold you, but I had never held you both myself. I was ecstatic!

Ryan you were just loving life next to your brother!

After an hour and a half of snuggles with you two, it was time to eat. Again, I was so pleasantly surprised when the doctor asked, "Want to try nursing today? Of course, it wouldn't be for nutritional sake, but for the sake of practice." I was thrilled! Ryan, you went back to your bed at this time (you would get to try later that afternoon). Wiley, you tried first because you are on the condensed feedings every three hours. So, while you were being fed, I was going to nurse. This way you'd make the connection between nursing and getting a full belly! I was thrilled when you actually did nurse for quick periods of time over the hour that we tried.

Ryan, since you are still on continuous feeds, we decided to wait until you begin the condensed feedings as well. The nurse thought it would better help you make the connection between nursing and getting full.

After nearly four hours of snuggling and loving on my boys, you were both ready to go back to your beds. I was so excited that you were both able to maintain your body temperatures for such a long period out of your bed. It was such a fabulous afternoon together!

After such a busy and full morning, you were both conked out & ready for another nap

Wednesday night, your daddy came to visit you all with Uncle Johnny. Besides loving on our boys, he had another mission: don't forget extra bottles for me. So, once I knew he was at the hospital, I called to remind him, "Do you have the bottles yet?"

"Well...not yet, no."

There was something in his voice that made me instantly ask, "Are the boys okay?"

"Well..." (the longest two second pause of my life!) "Ryan had a bit of a scare this evening. But he's doing better now." Your daddy then explained to me that when he walked into your room, there were two doctors and a nurse working on you, Ryan. Trying to break the tension, he said to the doctors and nurse, "Well, this isn't what you want to see when you first show up!" They quickly reassured him that it wasn't that you were in any serious harm, it was mainly just because of a shift change and the doctors were coming up with a game plan.

Ryan, you had de-stated again several times after I left, and for the first time in awhile, dropped your heart rate without being able to bring it back up yourself. On top of that, you were retaining all your IV fluids (even though they had been stopped a day ago) and had become pretty puffy. The doctor decided to run a few labs to check for infection and an x-ray to make sure you weren't retaining fluids around your lungs. Thank God, all of those tests came back perfectly normal. So, they decided you were just telling us, "Hey, I'm still a 32 week preemie; I still need some extra assistance here!" They gave you one dose of medicine to help bring the swelling down and help you get rid of the extra fluid, as well as put the cannula back in your nose to give you a little bit of extra flow for your breathing.

I called the NICU more times than we usually do last night, just to make sure you were okay. Each time we were reassured that all was well and you hadn't de-stated as much.

This morning, they tried to remove the cannula Ryan, but you weren't quite ready for that. So, you're still getting a little extra help. But I think the most help came when you were again reunited with your brother!

Holding you both yesterday was just fabulous, but today I got to kangaroo you both! This was even better - for me and for you guys! You haven't been this close to each other since before you were born. Both of your oxygen levels were at 100% most of the time we were together - the highest it's been for you Ryan in a long time and Wiley, you held steady at 100% longer than you usually do.

Wiley, you got your 12:00 feeding during kangaroo time. I was shocked and excited; as soon as you began getting your feeding, you began imitating nursing again. It was neat to see you making the correlation between feeding and nursing!

Over the past two days we have taken several great steps in the right direction, with just a tiny hiccup last night Ryan, but not even enough to call it a step backward. As always, we are so thankful that God has His eye on you two and continues to keep you so safe and well. We are already so blessed to have you sweet boys in our life. We pray you both continue to grow, improve, and trust that in God's perfect timing you will come home!

32 Weeks

Happy birthday, boys! Yesterday marked 32 weeks and tomorrow marks your 2 week birthday.

Here is your most recent update:

Wiley

• You now weigh 3 lbs 4 oz - woohoo!
• You are eating 30 cc's every 3 hours - the goal is to get you to 35 cc's. Doctor thinks that's achievable this week. If you can maintain that, we may even start normal feedings by the end of the week, focusing on sucking, swallowing, and breathing! Way to go, buddy!
• You are our little thinker - you always have your hands on your face and appear to always be deep in thought!

Ryan

• You now weigh 3 lbs 11 oz - yahoo!
• You are eating 7.5 cc's every hour (about 22 cc's over the 3 hour period). We are hoping to get you up to 30 cc's this week too and back to eating every 3 hours instead of continuously. If you continue to tolerate these larger feedings, you will be IV free by the end of the week! Keep it up, little man!
• You are our little snuggler - you love to nuzzle with whomever is holding you and love to cuddle. You also like to be apart of our conversations - every time someone laughs, you smile with us! 

graduated to your 32 week signs!

Ryan

Wiley

Ryan, you officially met Zsu Zsu today and loved every minute of snuggling with her!

momma kangarooing with Wiley, Zsu Zsu cuddling Ryan

sweetest little faces

already best buddies!

Family Reunion

Today was a very big day for our little family.

First of all, you both lost your pic lines! Wiley all you have now is your feeding tube and heart and lung monitors. Ryan you are almost there too, but still have an IV. Since you still aren't back on normal feedings from your transfusion, they are still giving you some IV fluids.  

Wiley you are now eating 21 cc's every three hours and Ryan you are getting continual feedings still - 3.6 cc's lasting an hour, every hour. Hopefully tomorrow you will go back to 12 cc's every three hours!

And finally, you have both reached your birth weights already! Ryan, you have even passed your's up and weigh 3 lbs 4 oz! You are both beginning to show signs of being ready for a bottle - something they usually don't attempt until 34 weeks gestation, but are considering to try earlier with you guys!

But this isn't even the best part of our day! After 10 long days of separation, you two were finally reunited! We didn't catch it on camera, but you both even opened your eyes and looked towards each other when we put you next to each other! 

Happy Thanksgiving

This is my view as I type today. 

Perfection. Absolute perfection. 

I am just in awe at how incredibly blessed we are. Last year, Thanksgiving was a difficult day as we were still dealing with a failed round of IUI. We were still trying to understand the why of this journey God was putting us on. 

Then, this spring we were finally able to celebrate the news of you two. We could not wait for your arrival. 

This fall, our journey picked back up again, as we feared losing you, our sweet miracles. We held tight to our faith trusting God wouldn't give us you, just to take you away before you were even born. We again wondered why our pregnancy took the turn it did. At times this journey seemed to be more than we could handle. But we prayed, stayed close to God, and trusted His plan to be greater than what we could see. 

Now, I take one look at your sweet little faces and realize how perfect His plan truly was! 

This Thanksgiving, I am reminded of the verse, "And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no sin. But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things. Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." Without the pain and struggle of our journey the past three years, the joy we feel this Thanksgiving would not compare. In order to truly feel joy, we must also know pain. 

So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for the pain it took to get to you. 

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for you, Wiley and Ryan. I am thankful for the joy you have already brought into our lives. I am thankful for the honor to be your mommy; that God has entrusted me with your precious lives. 

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for your daddy who has stepped up more than any man I know. He has proven that he would move mountains for me and for you all. I am amazed at the man he has become. He is a man of God who I respect and am blessed to call the head of our house. I am thankful that he is mine and I'm thankful that you will have the privilege of calling him your dad. 

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for a family who has done far too much for us - especially these past few months. Paka, Zsu Zsu, Aunt Aubrey, and Uncle Kiley have put their lives on hold to take care of our family. Their selflessness - admist all their own struggles and pain they face right now - is so humbling. They are each living examples of the verse, "And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." They have truly loved us as themselves and put themselves second. I am humbled by their love and forever grateful to how much they have taken care of our family. 

We are beyond blessed, Ryan and Wiley. This crazy life of ours is full of ups and downs. There will be things that you just can't prepare for and you will find yourself wondering why. But just remember, God has your life in His hands and His plan is always greater than we can see. Through the good and bad, we will always have so much to be thankful for. I love you more than you'll ever know!