Overcomer

Oh my. Where to even begin with these last four days?

You my sweet boys are such strong, healthy fighters. Keep it up. 

Tuesday, I felt like such a failure to you. I felt like I had failed you as your mother and was not doing my job to protect you. And now, here we are on Thursday, in higher spirits. So, let's back up...

Monday was my first day of bed rest without your dad by my side. All I wanted was to make it to Tuesday's appointment.  Zsu Zsu came and spent the day with me, catering to my every need, cleaning the house and doing our laundry (have I mentioned how fabulous she is?!). At this point, my contractions seemed to be slowing and meds doing their job. That was until 12:30...when I had more than 5 in an hour - the typical pattern. 

So, I called the doctor. Since this seemed to be my typical pattern, they decided to up me to six or seven contractions in an hour. Sure enough, three hours later we were back on the phone with the doctor. Again, we were being sent to labor and delivery. Zsu Zsu, your dad and I filed back into the car for the now too familiar drive in. 

That evening, we were sent to a new room, hooked up to the fluid IVs, taking my regular pills and in addition, a new pill too. We heard your heartbeats, and as always, all looked good. I was reassured to finally meet with a doctor too....until she gave us her opinion. "Well, you have us all baffled, Courtney. Procardia isn't working, the shots didn't work, all that's really left is magnesium...and typically we don't give that until you are much further along  in your pregnancy." Fabulous. "So, we're gonna keep you here definitely for tonight, probably longer. Tomorrow we are going to have you meet with one of our high risk doctors. Hopefully, he will have an idea of what to do. But since you're gonna be here awhile, let's move you to a bigger room. That way you and your hubby are more comfortable and visitors can fit in the room too." So, off we went for our first overnight stay in the hospital. Vontrese, our first nurse of this stay was just fabulous. She was attentive, took good care of us, and made us feel comfortable. We were sad to say goodbye to her that evening. 

Please note "How can we provide you with excellent care?"
"And Dad" would be your father's handwriting

my rock. my best friend. first night, holdings hands under our blankets and across the bed and chair

I wish someone could have prepared me for what was waiting for us on Tuesday...

Tuesday, we woke up to Nurse Terri - an absolute angel! She let us know we would be meeting with Dr. Weeks - the same doctor who she went to school with, as well as delivered two (high risk) of her three pregnancies. After chatting with her, your daddy and I said goodbye to my parents and headed out with Terri to meet Dr. Weeks for our ultrasound. 

There we got another peek at you - both perfect and healthy. Then he took a look at your momma. What should have been measuring 3 (at the smallest) to 5 cm, was now 1 cm. You could tell, he was instantly concerned. 

Dr. Weeks then had to give us all the grim possibilities that we were facing. We could either buy a couple days with meds, and then deliver in the next week or so, or we could try a surgery that could potentially buy us a few more weeks - or even get us to full term. He did warn us that the surgery wasn't guarenteed to work, especially if the contractions were what caused the shortening. Dr. Weeks also had to give us the difficult news that if we delivered now or in the next few weeks, you most likely wouldn't survive - and if you did, it probably wouldn't be much of a life worth living. 

Let me tell you something Sweet Miracles, that is not what God has in store for you! You have two incredible lives that need living for His glory. 

But, no parent wants to receive this news. After Dr. Weeks left, Terri walked back in to find me tearing up. She quickly grabbed my hand to reassure me, "Crying is okay. Being angry is okay. But Dr. Weeks is a great doctor. We are going to make sure these boys are just fine." I thanked her and she gave us a few quiet moments to soak in the information in private. 

After meeting with Dr. Weeks, they started me on the magnesium drip (the drug they usually save for women in the more later stages of pregnancy). The first thirty minutes were going to be the most difficult because it was going to be a very strong, intense dose. "Whatever it takes for my healthy boys," I kept whispering as they started the drip. Almost instantly the heat waves, dizziness, and overall exhaustion began. I watched the clock as it slowly approached the 30 minute mark. I had survived. For the next 48 hours, the magnesium would continue to drip and the symptoms increase (and boy did they - but we'll get to that later!)

fun times on magnesium

A few hours later, we had to meet with a neonatal doctor. This was probably the worst moment of the day, followed by the most tender, sweetest, most personal moment of the day. He had to explain week by week, from 22-25 weeks, what to expect if you sweet boys were to be born now. I think I was hit by a truck when he said, "Now at 22 weeks there's a zero percentage survival rate without recitation and we don't recitate that young. So if you deliver this week, we would let you hold your boys for a few minutes, and then take them away." I'm sorry, but no parent can ever be prepared for news like that. Being able to just hold you is not an option. I have two boys to raise and parent, not just to hold your tiny, precious bodies at 22 weeks. From there, his grim report was not any better. The survival rate increased (barely) with each week, but the quality of life all the way through 25 weeks was not something to be excited about either. To me, it just isn't an option. You cannot be born that early. God has great things for you two. 

When the doctor left, my mom quietly left the room, probably to gather herself, as well as to give me and your daddy some time too. We embraced across the hospital bed, holding each other, both quietly sobbing, and offering our own quiet prayers. It had been such a difficult conversation prior, yet such a fabulous moment we shared together. Your father is an amazing man, who I love dearly. He has been such a strong rock through this all. I am glad he is the head of our sweet family and a wonderful role model you will have to look up to. 

The rest of the day was spent in a darkened, quiet room. Everyone seemed to need to process all of this heavy information in their own ways. Most of my day was spent in quiet crying, with one good outburst of pain and shouting. I know you boys will be just fine. I believe you will be born strong and healthy with all my heart. We fought and prayed too hard for you Sweet Miracles to lose you now. But, needless to say, hearing over and over again the risks of you being born early is still difficult. 

After hearing bad news after bad news and seeing more than four different doctors, our day ended with one final visit from Dr. Weeks. It was during this meeting that we told him we wanted to try the surgery. While we still didn't know if this would fix our problem, we knew it was the best choice we had. There were definitely risks involved - including my water breaking during surgery, which would mean instantly delivering. But, we had God and we knew we wanted to do whatever was in our power to save your lives. We ended our evening, with everyone back home, but me and your daddy. Hand in hand, we fell asleep as he offered a prayer for our family. 

I was glad to see Tuesday end. It had been an emotionally challenging day. However, I had not realized how difficult Wednesday was going to be either...

Unfortunately, your daddy had to leave around 7:00 in the morning to go to work, but Zsu Zsu and Paka were on their way. Wednesday morning started quickly and in a swirl. Surgery was going to be at 9:00 and paperwork galore needed to be filled out. At this point the magnesium was taking full effect on me and I could barely open my eyes, let alone sign papers, but somehow they got something of a signature. 

Before my parents arrived, I got a quick phone call from your dad. "I'm in tears driving to work praying for you and the boys. While praying I heard the song 'Overcomer.' You need to listen to it. It's you! You are such an overcomer, you will be fine today. I'm so sorry I had to leave you." We said our goodbyes and I felt confident knowing God was whispering to all of us this morning, holding us tight to Him. 

My parents arrived not long after and we offered a quick prayer. Terri, my nurse from the other day, also popped in and offered another prayer for our family. It was a moment I will never forget - my parents holding hands around my hospital bed, Terri's hands on my bed, and me holding you. I love the power of God and how quickly it can unite complete strangers. 

From here, I was rolled out and headed to the OR. After a quick and painless spinal block, they were able to begin the surgery. Unfortunately, I was a much more difficult case than any he had seen in the past. A surgery that typically takes 15 minutes tops, took well past double that time. While I had a block for pain, the surgery was still pretty painful. My nurses kept whispering, "Pressure is normal. Pain is not okay. Tell us if you need more drugs." With my smaller frame and considering you two, they gave me a smaller dosage than usual. I could just tell that things weren't going as planned, so I did not want to interrupt the doctor. I could deal with the pain to allow him to keep working. Through the pain, I found this time to be such a special time between me and God. I prayed throughout the entire surgery: for your immediate safety, for my pain and safety during the surgery, and then for you long-term and your lives. It was a great way to keep my mind occupied on something positive and not the procedure.

After the surgery, the day got a little more difficult. I was really feeling the effects of the magnesium, and once the spinal block wore off, I was feeling the effects of the surgery. Needless to say, it was a challenging day physically. At one point, I could not even reach my hand out to pick up my drink. It was as if my brain was working, but my body was not responding to the signals. At 7:00, I received the best news of the day from Dr. Weeks....no more magnesium! Quite literally it took just minutes of stopping the IV and I felt human again....I could even enjoy feeding myself some ice cream!!

This morning I woke up to Terri, who again was not my nurse today, but was on the floor, standing in my doorway with a gift for me...

Yesterday, she had found out some of my favorites from my mom and brought me some goodies. Wow. We have been so blessed with wonderful nurses here! I was just blown away by her kindness and big heart. It's amazing the quick connection you can make when you share the same love for Christ.

Not long into the morning, my mom arrived at the perfect timing - I was about to get an ultrasound to see the immediate results of the surgery. Before that though, I received more good news! Sorry for the TMI....but catheter was allowed out, I could walk to bathroom now, I could sit up in bed, & I didn't even need a stretcher to the ultrasound - I got to ride sitting up in a wheelchair! It was a big, exciting morning. Now it was time for more good news, we prayed....

Zsu Zsu and I headed down with the nurse to the ultrasound where Dr. Weeks examined me. Today was the most positive day yet! If a shortened cervix was the initial problem, then it worked! He was able to turn 1 cm back into 3 cm with the surgery!! The water that was pushing into the cervix, ready to break, was successfully pushed back into the uterus. 

So now, we pray, pray, pray, Sweet Miracles. It is crucial that I don't get any infections. So, every four hours they're taking my temperature and daily taking my blood. We are praying with all that we have that we make it to Monday infection free. We know God has control of this situation and are just waiting to shout his praises! God has already performed one great miracle in creating your all's lives. We know He can work this second miracle and bring you two into this world several weeks from now when you are strong, healthy, and ready to start your lives. I love you Sweet Miracles. I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe, just keep fighting and growing strong, my loves.