I don't know if this is a "me thing," or if this is common in other women with infertility, but I have really struggled with wanting another baby and truly believing like it was meant to be for our family. I have felt guilty for even having such thoughts because I know my family is more than complete - you two are such miracles and we doubted if we'd ever even be parents. That being said, I often get defensive thinking others would negatively judge us for even wanting more kids. I get defensive because "normal people" can choose to have a baby whenever they want and that is perfectly okay. Yet I feel like I should not want more kids or at least have to explain myself - we got our miracles, why would we be greedy and ask for more?
That being said, we have been greedy! Each night we pray for a new "baby brother or sister." And each night, I have trusted completely that it would happen for us. Daddy and I decided, IVF (or any fertility treatment for that matter) was not going to be a route we took again. It was just too strenuous on our marriage, my mental health, and eventually my physical health with a multiples pregnancy. We decided that if more children were to happen, we would know for sure God wanted this third baby and we would get pregnant naturally.
I loved every second of my first pregnancy, even though it was so traumatic and difficult. I loved the feeling of life growing inside of me. I loved the tiny (...and big!) kicks. I loved my growing belly. I loved every single thing about being pregnant.
And yet, I longed for a "normal pregnancy." I longed to find out we were pregnant without the "whole world" (a bit dramatic I know, but it felt like everyone was watching!) knowing we were waiting to take our test. I longed to be pregnant outside of hospital walls. I longed for a full-term, uncomfortable 40 week pregnancy. I just knew it was going to happen for us.
So each month, slight symptoms would arise that would make me think, "Wait? Is this what I think it is?" And every month it was another false alarm. In January, we experienced a pretty devastating blow, and though I was crushed, it encouraged me that maybe, just maybe a third baby wasn't such a long shot after all.
I had convinced myself that I would be pregnant for Father's Day and was so excited to give your Daddy the best Father's Day gift of all. So, when that didn't happen, I again was discouraged. As we rolled into July, my body began to fall back into old patterns and I knew it wasn't possible to get pregnant at this time.
...and yet, we still prayed for that "baby brother or sister."
This week, I have been beyond sensitive, I have needed a nap every day, and I have been so nauseous, needing to keep something light in my stomach, yet not too heavy or else I'd throw up. I just knew this was it. And yet, I didn't want to get too excited. I had been down this road too many times.
Yesterday, I was able to run a few quick errands alone, so on the way home, I picked up a pregnancy test. I prayed that this would be the one. This would be the test that "Not Pregnant," didn't pop up.
As we put you boys to bed last night, we asked you to pray. Typically your prayer starts by listing all your family members and thanking God for them. Ryan, your prayer was short and sweet, "Dear God. Please baby brother or sister." I grinned inside, echoing the same prayer, knowing I just had to be pregnant.
So, the plan was to take a pregnancy test bright and early, first thing in the morning (as recommended when levels are highest / most accurate reading). However, I woke up at 2 AM, tossing and turning, unable to turn my brain off. I knew if I took that walk to the bathroom, I would have my answer. Yet, I didn't want to because my heart couldn't handle another false alarm. If I laid in bed until 6 AM, I could pretend I was pregnant for another 4 hours.
Finally, I knew no matter what - pregnant or not pregnant - I wasn't falling back asleep anytime soon. So, off to the bathroom I tiptoed, grabbed the test, and headed downstairs so I wouldn't wake your Daddy.
My first pregnancy, the results popped up almost immediately, much quicker than the 2 minute time they say it should take (my twin levels had been that high already!). There are four squares, and as time passes, a new square gets filled in. As I anxiously waited downstairs, the first square began to blink and slowly the second began to blink. Nope, not pregnant. That took too long. Okay, don't cry Court, this will happen one day for you...but please Lord, let me be wrong. Let these symptoms not be made up. Please Lord, let me be pregnant, the self talk and praying began. The third square filled in more quickly, and the fourth square almost immediately after that. I didn't have to look at the words, I knew without a doubt, what that screen was going to read.
And so, here we are boys. Our family is about to become very different. I just cannot believe this is happening. I am typing these words with a shocked expression and yet a smile slipping across my face. All I can really think is, "Oh my gosh! I need to tell everyone!!" But I won't. I will enjoy the chance to keep this secret to myself awhile longer. Then I will enjoy telling your daddy and we can enjoy our secret alone for awhile.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you for entrusting us with another life. Thank you Lord, for this huge miracle and answered prayer. Thank you for giving us another chance to experience pregnancy, birth, and another life to raise. Thank you for giving the boys yet another testimony, as they know their prayers brought another baby into our family. My heart is so full. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.
A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. This week alone, we saw three different rainbows, confirming our miracle!!
Congratulations, Courtney! What an amazing testimony!
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