Thankful

It's funny how the smallest things can cause me to feel anger or sadness in this journey. The past couple of weeks have been so busy that I haven't really had much time to dwell on the negative (or positive for that matter) of this journey. I have just really been trying to survive, coasting on an emotional auto pilot.

Well, yesterday my emotions took over. I felt angry. I felt sad all day long. I got home and found a thank you for a baby gift we had sent to a shower. Well, you would've thought someone sent me an insulting letter the way I reacted to that note! Poor Keal got the brunt of my yelling and fussing over "stupid babies," as I believe I referred to them. (Not my proudest moment.)

Today, I got home and read from Jesus Calling. Here's another thing you will someday learn, God is the perfect teacher. He has such a way to gently nudge us and redirect us in the right direction. Today's theme: thankfulness. "Thank me for the glorious gift of My Spirit...I shower blessings on you daily, but sometimes you don't perceive them. When your mind is stuck on a negative focus, you see neither Me nor My gifts."

How humbling.

God has given me His spirit to represent Him here on earth; to listen to and be guided by every moment of my life. And that should be enough! But He gives us more. Daily He is blessing me. Yesterday, I definitely was focused on the negative and missed out on all He was doing for me. Today is a new day with a new mindset. Today, I am thanking God for all the small and big things He does for me on a daily basis. Today, while driving to work, my brakes locked up and I slid right through a  stop sign. Thank God it was at 6 in the morning when no one was really out yet, in my neighborhood going at a slow speed. Had it happened just five minutes later, then results could have been much worse. So, I thank God for that. And while I could've been mumbling that today was a wasted day, stranded at home, I thank Him for that! After a rough day yesterday, I cleared my head today, singing, painting, and enjoying some quiet peace by myself.

2 Corinthians 4:6 "For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ."

Today I am thanking God for all I have in this glorious life. I am thanking God for this journey because out of this struggle so many incredible blessings have been given. I am thanking God for this journey so that on the day we finally meet you, we will be able to shout this miracle He has worked in our life. "In faith, thank Me for whatever is preoccupying your mind. This will clear the blockage so that you can find me."

Praise You in This Storm

Long before I started this blog, after the first doctor's appointment in which the dreaded "I" word had been used (Infertility), I was driving home in a daze. I was so overcome with my own pain, worries, and fear of never being able to be a mother. A song came on my radio and instantly rescued me, "Praise You in This Storm."

Not only is this journey one big storm in my life, but this work week has been quite the storm too. I have heard the song, "Praise You in This Storm," every day this week on my drive to work. So, amidst these challenges I am facing, I am praising God this week.

I have started each day by reading from Jesus Calling and the corresponding scriptures. All three messages this week have been so perfect for me and this journey to you. The three themes this week were: "Walk by faith, not by sight," "Waiting, trusting, and hoping," and "Learn to live above your circumstances." All three spoke so perfectly to my heart. Starting my [stressful] work days off with just ten quiet minutes of reading have been such a peaceful way to begin my days.

I am thankful that through our pain, God continues to show us that He is still with us and showing His love for us. So, until you are in our arms, I will continue praising God through this storm.

Jesus Calling

God is so cool, my little one. He knows just what you need, just when you need. You just have to learn to find Him in your daily life. Today, is the most perfect example. But first, let me give you the back story...

I have been on the lookout for a good, daily spiritual app to start my day off on the right foot. After looking into some recommended apps, I found a lot of people had suggested "Jesus Calling." So, I went to download it....10 bucks. I decided to go with the lite version (aka the free version). Well, the lite version was a disappointment and I deleted it a few days later.

Lets now flash forward to last Sunday: my sister-in-law's baby shower. I knew I couldn't do it, so I had to pass.

And now, cue God's so incredibly perfect timing...

I got home from school today and checked the mail like I typically do. Inside was the mail, along with a small gift wrapped package. No stamp. No address. It just said, "Mrs. Keal Curran." Well, I was instantly puzzled. It definitely wasn't anyone in my family's handwriting. Who did I know that knows where I live and would leave me a random gift?

I got in the house, slowly opened the package, and was immediately overcome with tears.

I was holding, "Jesus Calling." I hadn't told anyone about this app! How wonderful that I was now holding my own copy,

I then opened the book to find a beautiful note from my soon-to-be step-mother-in-law (who had hosted the baby shower with my other sister-in-law).

Courtney,
A copy of this book was given to me several years ago by my mother. It is a wonderful daily devotional and a great way to start your day.

Our lives do not always go as planned. But as we learn to trust in God, we can find joy in our trials. We missed you Sunday. May the peace of Christ be with you,
Karen

I was incredibly blessed by her kind words and her gift. But even more so, I was so blessed by how God continues to remind me that He loves me. I am thankful for the way He continues to use those around me to help along this journey to you.

Two Years

Two years ago, Keal and I decided we were ready to make our family-of-two a family-of-three. Two years ago, Friday, I found out a good friend of mine was pregnant. We were giddy with excitement to be beginning this new chapter together and discussed plans for future play-dates.

Now, here we are, two years later, and mine and my friend's families are in very different places. And while two years ago, this isn't at all where I thought we'd be today, I am grateful for these past two years. I'm grateful for all this journey has taught me. But most importantly, I'm grateful for my family and friends carrying me along this crazy journey to you.

Thursday, Aubrey surprised me with a great basket of goodies! I've been somewhat sad about entering the month of March because it represents such another negative landmark. I never thought you still wouldn't be in our lives, two years into this journey. So to receive a random, "Box of Sunshine," at the start of this sad month was such a great pick-me-up.

I pray it's not another two years until we finally meet you, but I also know that I will trust God and have faith in his timing, no matter how many years this journey lasts.

Encouraging Words

After picking myself back up on Sunday, I found myself randomly filled with anger again on Monday night. I took it out on Keal, blamed it on surface-level problems, but never truly acknowledged where this anger was coming from.

Saturday night, I had had a very quick, but nice exchange between one of Keal's family members. I later thanked her over Facebook for her kind words, but never heard back from her...all God's plan! Because I heard from her this morning, when I needed to be picked up again.

I am so thankful for her kind words, for acknowledging our pain, and offering wonderful words, "Hang in there Courtney - stay close to God - stay close to Keal." So true. This journey is trying on both Keal and I, and we both handle it differently. But through our differences, we need to stay united to each other and God.

I am so thankful for how God is working in my life, as well as those around me who are following His lead to continue picking me up on this journey.

Rise

The past two months I have found myself in a good place with some bad days, while back in the fall, I was in a bad place with good days. Unfortunately, Sunday (and moments since then) has found me in a bad / angry place.

Sunday, I was met....or shall we say, blindsided....by the news of another pregnant person. Because there was no warning, I was so overcome by my own sadness. Throughout this journey, church has been a place of peace and encouragement for me. And so, to add salt to the wound, this person is a member of my church. As if my sister-in-laws weren't enough, the one place where there were no babies or pregnancies, the one place of peace, is now tarnished with someone else who is pregnant.

Sunday afternoon, on my comatose-like-state drive home, I heard this song, which was so comforting to me:

Each of these lines and verses seemed so perfectly fitting for me. "Sometimes my heart is on the ground and hope is nowhere to be found; love is a figment I once knew and yet I hold on to what I know is true." Yes, I have those days of feeling hopeless in this journey, but even on those days, I hold on to my faith and my trust in God.

"From this trouble I have found and this rubble on the ground I will rise, cause He who is in me is greater than I will ever be and I will rise." Sunday found me down, but I have to remind myself, that I will rise. And I won't rise because of my own strength, but through God's strength, I will overcome this small bump, and this journey, and I will rise.

Happy Valentine's Day

Sick on Valentine's = yummy treat from Mom, get well goodies from the hubby, and a ridiculous mask so he doesn't get sick too!

Okay, so Valentine's Day isn't really my thing. I find the whole thing kinda silly. And even though we weren't able to go to church on Sunday, I really loved the Valentine's Day message, "If You Were in Love, Could You Tell? If So, Who Would You Tell?" The five stages of love were presented:

1. Preparation (focus on taking care of self, perfection, and readying for one's significant other)
2. Infatuation (physical attraction, blind love)
3. Illumination (seeing one another within a more realistic viewpoint)
4. Evaluation (determining next steps - stay or go?)
5. Maturation (making a commitment with full understanding)

Afterwards, it was suggested that a Valentine's Day card could be sent to God. We are asked to "love the Lord thy God...with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind," Matthew 22:40 / Deuteronomy 6:5. So, while I celebrate my love for my family and hubby today, I thought, I'd take the challenge and send my Valentine's Day card to God. So, here it goes...

Dear Lord,
I am speechless at the thought of all you have done and provided for me in my life. You have shown me unconditional love since the moment I was born. You chose me as one of your own long before I chose you. When I have fallen, you have continued to love me and pick me back up. When I have cried to you, you have wrapped me tightly in your arms and rescued my hurting heart. When I have celebrated the blessings in my life, I know they were from you. I want to thank you for all of the beauty and love in my life.

This Valentine's Day marks the 12th Valentine's Day we have celebrated together. I thank you for holding me up through those 12 years. With you by my side I made it through high school and college. I accomplished my dream of becoming a teacher and made it through graduate school. With you by my side I married my best friend, the man you set aside in life just for me. With you by my side, I have faced my most difficult challenge in my life, my journey to our miracle baby.

I thank you for not leaving me, even in my darkest hours, when I seemed so lost and confused by this journey. I thank you Lord, for loving me unconditionally. I thank you for forgiving me for those moments when I doubted or questioned your plan for me. I thank you for this beautiful life and the most perfect love you have shown me on a daily basis. I thank you for the plan you have for mine and Keal's life - we trust you completely - and wait for the day when you give us our miracle. I thank you for sending your son for my soul. I thank you for the hope of everlasting life. I thank you Lord for loving me, regardless of my shortcomings. Thank you, Lord, for everything.
Happy Valentine's,
Courtney

The question was asked in church, "If you were in love, could you tell?" It is my hope and prayer, that admist this challenging journey to you, that my life still reflects a deep and passionate love for my Lord. I hope that people look at my life and can tell that I love the Lord. I hope that through our pain, our life reflects one of hope and faith. It is my daily prayer that my life reflects some strength in the Lord through our journey to you. And one day, it is my most strongest desire to share this love of the Lord with you. It is my prayer that you too will know I love the Lord and that you will embrace Him in your own life. I hope you have as beautiful of a love story with Him as I have.

And as I often do, when my own words fail to express my feelings, I find God speaking to me through lyrics. So, here is a Valentine's song that expresses my love for my Lord and Savior!

You are the song,
You are the song I’m singing.
You are the air,
You are the air I’m breathing
You are the hope,
You are the hope I needed.

If I had no voice,
If I had no tongue,
I would dance for you like the rising sun.
And when that day comes and I see your face.
I will shout your endless glorious praise 

You are the song,
You are the song I’m singing.
You are the air,
You are the air I’m breathing
You are the hope,
You are the hope I needed.