Our Miraculous Hellos

Well Little Ones, one thing I've learned in this journey is that God's timing and plan is always perfect. He knows just what we need and when we need it.

Last night, around midnight, I noticed some small changes and prayed it wasn't what I thought. Well, at 4 AM I was woken by broken water. This was it. 

After a few tests, confirming yes indeed I had broken my water, we were whisked away downstairs. On our way down I debated whether or not to call my family who was still in Pennsylvania. Zsu Zsu has demanded, whatever the hour, call! But what could they do six hours away? Besides, we were going to stall for at least a day. After debating, we decided to call Aunt Aubrey and let her make the decision. Well, she instantly woke everyone up and they were on the road an hour later!

Our early morning here started out with some digging around in my veins (always fun) to try and get an IV started, trying to find you two on the monitors, and some antibiotics. Our mission: stall as long as possible!

Right before 5 AM, I got to start my third round of magnesium - yippee!! But again, whatever it takes to protect you, that was my focus. 

Somewhere between 6 and 6:30 we had a shift change and I was nervous to see who would be helping us. But to my surprise, and I know yet another blessing from God, in walked Terri. I was over the moon! She had been our nurse from the beginning - how perfect that she would be here today. Although, part of me was sad because I knew we wouldn't be delivering today. 

We then met with our regular doctor and high risk doctor. Both were very encouraging that we could at least prolong for 24-48 hours. Dr. Weeks even thought we could make it another ten days easily. This was great news! (Yet I instantly felt guilty - my family was frantically rushing back home for nothing.)

After a few hours on the magnesium, we were greeted with another surprise - and again a complete act of God. One of our closet, family friend (my second dad) walked in. Why is this a God thing?? A few years ago they moved to Florida. It just so happened that he had business in Ohio this week starting tomorrow. So, he drove two and a half hours just to check on us and pray for us. And this was before he knew we were in labor - this was always his plan. Isn't God great! He knew that we'd be in labor today, He knew my family would be away for Great Grandma, and so He had his hand in Chuck's visit.

While visiting with Chuck, I let Terri know my cramping had become more consistent and very intense with contractions. You could see the concern in her eyes. She quickly communicated this with the doctor who was soon back in our room. After doing a quick examination, and letting me know she could feel Miracle Baby A pushing through the cerclage, she proclaimed, "It's go time. I'd like to be in the operating room in 30 minutes."

I instantly became overcome with so many feelings. I was excited to finally meet you. I felt guilty for feeling like I failed you and it was too soon to be doing this. I was terrified of surgery. I was thankful I decided to call my family who was now only 40 minutes away. I was beyond grateful for Terri, who would be there with me through it all. I was grateful Chuck was there. I was in such a swirl as was the room with many people preparing for your arrival.

excited & anxious papa

In the midst of the madness, Chuck offered a beautiful prayer over our sweet family of four. We hugged and he headed out to the waiting room. Once his prayer ended, Paka called almost immediately to also pray for our family. I put it on speaker as your daddy, Terri, and I all bowed our heads in prayer. It was a great moment. I felt a calm and knew you'd both be just fine. 

Before I knew it, it was 12:45 and time to go and we were off to the operating room!

here we go! even erin came for the excitement 

Your daddy had to wait in a seperate room while I was prepped. The final step in prepping - my spinal block (no biggie, I had had this with the cerclage). Except not. Unfortunately, after giving me the numbing medicine, the anesthesiologist could not seem to get the block in. A couple tries targeted just one side and not the other, other tries were hitting bone. I tried to put on a brave face, but it was definitely uncomfortable. Finally, he needed a new needle! So, we tried another numbing shot again and were back at the block. Thankfully, this time it worked fairly quickly and before I knew it, I was completely numb!

Soon after, your daddy was at my side, being so comforting and kind to me. A large sheet went up and the doctor asked, "Did you feel that?"

"Huh?" I asked. She held up a tool that she had just pinched my stomach with! I hadn't felt a touch, let alone a pinch. I had been so nervous about feeling the surgery because the block had not been strong enough for the cerclage. I was instantly comforted that I was completely numb and this was going to be okay. 

I soon heard suctioning and looked at your daddy, "They started?!" Sure enough, we were in the middle of surgery. All of my personal worrying for nothing - I did not feel any pain and very little pressure. What seemed like seconds later, we heard, "Okay here's Baby A!" and Dr. Brown held you up for us to see. I had read that many preemies don't cry when born, but still the quiet was sad to me. Until....you cried!! The most beautiful sound in the world. While kissing and celebrating with your dad, with tears in our eyes, our doctor announced, "And here's Baby B!" Just one minute apart - 1:38 and 1:39. And Baby B, just like your brother, you too soon cried too!

hearing you cry

my sweet boys

I had anticipated not being able to hold or see you, so when a nurse brought you over to me, Baby A, I was so grateful. Not only did I see you up close, but I got to hold and kiss you!! I have loved you since before you even were, but having you in my arms, well, that is a love unlike anything I have ever felt. You were mine. After years of prayers, my dream was alive and well and in my arms. I took one look at you and knew, you were in fact, as I always called you, Wiley Scott Curran. Be proud of your name and wear it with honor. Wiley - your Ninny's maiden name. Represent her family well. Scott - your Paka's middle name. An honorable and selfless man of God. Make him proud. And finally, Curran - your Grandpa's last name. The name could've ended with your daddy. You get to carry it on! Do so with respect and morality. 

holding Wiley Scott

Right after you were taken away, Wiley, your brother was brought around to me too. And sure enough, I knew with complete certainty, you were my sweet Ryan Scott Curran. Your breathing was a little more concerning than your brother's so I gave you a quick kiss and sent you on to hands that would help you. I'll tell you the same thing I told your brother. Be proud of your name and wear it with honor. Ryan - your late great uncle's name. A strong, courageous, and faithful man of Christ. Carry him on in all you do. Scott - your Paka's middle name. A leader of God who gives to everyone. Make him proud. And lastly, Curran - your Grandpa's last name. The name could've ended with your daddy. You get to carry it on! Do so with respect and morality. 

smooches for Ryan Scott

After saying goodbye, they wheeled you both upstairs where you were greeted by all of your family! Nenny, Papa Donnie, Grandpa, Aunt Callie, Aunt Sarah, Great Aunt Boo, Chuck....and even Paka, Zsu Zsu, Aunt Aubrey, and Uncle Kye had made it to see you both! Your daddy went out to see everyone and tell them the wonderful news that you were both healthy and doing well!

greeting Ninny and Aunt Callie after you both rolled bDaddy and I returned to our room for recovery and not long after, were headed back to the third floor. I was so excited to be heading up because I knew we were one step closer to seeing you again! Terri brought us up where we thanked her and said our goodbyes. What an angel she has been - working well over her shift to care for us until we were handed over to the third floor. This experience has put so many incredible people in our lives. I thank God that we felt safe and cared for here. 

Once upstairs, your daddy took the grandparents to see you up close in the NICU.

perfect! holding your daddy's finger, Ryan

already such close friends, even your measurements are almost the exact same!

I wasn't allowed to see you until numbness was gone and I could walk. I was wiggling my legs like crazy - I had to get back to you!! Sure enough, by 5:50, we had a wheelchair and I was on my way to my boys. 

in heaven

first family photo - Wiley in front, Ryan in the background

Once back in the room, I was given "snodels," small little blankets to put on my skin, sleep with, and pick up my scent. You will receive these tomorrow. Since I can't hold or feed you yet, this is a way for us to bond. I love this and the idea that you'll know your momma, even if I'm not loving on you like I'd like yet. 

sorry boys; they're all out of blue for now

One of my favorite moments, was late at night. At 11:30, after our first wake up call (even though neither of us had fallen asleep yet) your daddy said, "I need to go say goodnight to my boys." He headed back to the NICU to spend a few quiet moments with you. He loves you two so much already. I can't wait to watch him grow even more into fatherhood and watch your relationships take off. 

Words cannot express how in love I am with you. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have finally met you. I am so thankful that my longest desire and dream has come true. I hope I live up to all the love you boys deserve and am a good mother to you. 

And lastly, I so thank God for His perfect timing. Tuesday, my family would be leaving Great Grandma's house. I knew pulling out of the driveway and leaving would be incredibly hard for them. While I know they were all absolutely exhausted, I think God helped make their departure a little easier, knowing a great joy was waiting for them back home. I was so devastated when Great Grandma passed that she didn't know we named you Ryan, after her son. Now, I trust that while you were still preparing for your earthly debut, she held you two in heaven. She was able to spend a long weekend caring for her two great grandsons. And after her final act of care-giving was complete, she shared you with us. She knew you two and I know she loved you both. I love that yesterday we said goodbye to her and lost a family member, only to say hello to two new family members today. What sweet poetic perfection!

Our Final Goodbyes

As difficult as it was to be away from my family this weekend, and especially today, there are so many things I am thankful for today.

1. This fabulous guy who took off work Friday and today so that I wouldn't have to be alone. Rubbed my back when needed, helped me with the everyday tasks I can't do, and when I just needed to cry, he held me and let me cry. I'm so fortunate he is my husband. 

2. The fact that at the last minute I threw this dressy shirt into my suitcase three weeks ago. I didn't ever plan on wearing it, but turns out it was perfect! One final tribute to your great grandma - a brand new shirt and lipstick I wore just for her funeral today. I hope somewhere she was smiling. 

3. Paka who called me right before the service and put the phone on the podium so that I could hear the entire funeral service, as well as the closing prayer at the cemetery. And for Paka doing a beautiful job officiating the service. 

4. Aunt Aubrey and Uncle Kye who paid to tribute to Great Grandma, and made me apart by reading an excerpt from my post, "One Strong Lady," at her funeral. 

5. Uncle Kye - a fabulous pallbearer. 

6. Your father who, after the funeral, forced me back outside for the first time in at least a week, knowing it would lift my spirits. 

7. Your father who then braved a craft store to get me more yarn to keep my mind busy. 

8. And then surprised me with some frozen yogurt!

9. Aunt Aubrey for keeping me updated and sending me great pics of her in Great Grandma's clothes, jewelry, and even her babushka!

10. Our family in general. I love how close we all are and how much support we give one other - in the good times and in the bad. 

Today was a difficult day for all of us, but as this journey has taught me, even in the bad moments, I have realized we are still very blessed and have much to be thankful for. Great Grandma was a wonderful woman we will all miss. But she lived a wonderful life and passed with no pain or suffering. And even better, she is now in a much better place, reunited with family she has been seperated from for years. What a wonderful day when we will all be reunited again. That's the beauty of Jesus Christ; He gives us a hope much greater than anything here on this earth to hold on to. 

A Sweet Surprise

2-4 and 4-6. I had been watching the clock all day, dreading that time. At 2:00 the visitation would start and I'd be missing out. Right before 2:00, one of my oldest and dearest friends with her mom rolled in, "We brought you a party!" they announced.

Sure enough, they began setting up my table with decorations, cupcakes, snacks, and drinks. While visiting with them for 30 minutes or so, I kept thinking, Oh dear, we aren't going to eat an eigth of all this food. I had assumed that maybe my family was supposed to have been here and they decided to bring all the food anyway. 

yummy snacks!

But I was wrong! All that food wasn't just for us. At 2:30 in rolled my work crew! I was so completely shocked and amazed that first, my friend had organized this and second, that they all came out to cheer me up!

love my Harmony family

And yet, that wasn't the end! As they headed out, in came a second crew to cheer us up and celebrate you two!

sweet friends for years

We are so incredibly blessed with such loving friends and family. By the time the party wound down and all had left, it was 5:00. They had me completely distracted and cheerful, that I didn't even realize I was missing the visitation. It was such a blessing to have such sweet faces to lift us up today. We are so fortunate. And it is these same sweet faces that are lifting us up in prayer daily, helping this miracle of a pregnancy carry along!

While we were being lifted up here at home, my family was being lifted up by an incredible outpouring of love up in Pennsylvania. Here's just a snipet:

just beautiful

a quiet moment to mourn for family before visitors arrived

your beautiful great grandma surrounded by two white roses, one from each of you! maybe my favorite flowers in that room

30 Weeks

Did you read that, Little Ones?? That's right, we have made it to the 30s!!! No doctor dreamed of this number - the highest they ever wished was 28. Today as one of our doctors was leaving, she saw the preemie book the NICU doctors brought us. She tapped the book, "Hmmm. We're gonna have to get you a book on full terms babies." I love it!! And I believe it completely. 

In honor of missing today's visitation, here are some pictures of your great grandma:

Zsu Zsu and your great grandma

Your momma and Great Grandma ready to hit the pool

Aunt Aubrey and Great Grandma

Uncle Kye and Great Grandma

Paka, Great Pap-Pap, and Great Grandma showing off Aunt Aubrey

One Strong Lady

Tonight, as your daddy and I were reading to you, our hospital door opened. There was Paka. Followed by Zsu Zsu. Followed by Aunt Aubrey and Uncle Kiley. I didn't need to look at their faces to know instantly something was seriously wrong. They're here daily, but an impromptu visit at 10 PM was not for visiting purposes. 

I was met with the shocking news that my incredibly healthy and spunky grandma had suddenly passed. When the initial shock finally wore off, I felt so overcome with anger. Here I am, trapped in a shoebox of a hospital room, yet I've been positive. I have worked to find the good in everything. But this was just too much. Now I don't even have the chance to say goodbye to Grandma. It just seems cruel that she would be taken so suddenly. Just this week we had told her that Aunt Aubrey and Uncle Kye would be driving up there in December to bring her back for Christmas. She was overjoyed. When we asked how long she wanted to stay, she immediately answered, "Well until the babies are born! I want to help with the boys." Oh, Little Ones, you were already loved! She couldn't wait to meet you. 

So, in the midst of my selfish anger, sadness, and pain, this is my tribute to your great grandma. This is just a glimpse of who she was:

Jennie Ross was...

a hostess unlike any other (except for Zsu Zsu, who inherited this fabulous trait from her momma). No matter what hour we would arrive at her house, a full meal would be laid out. (And I mean any hour! One trip up, well after midnight, I had to eat fried chicken and chicken noodle soup!) And this wasn't just family treatment. Your great grandma would serve all and any with the same hospitality. 

the hardest working woman I have known. At 87 years old, she was still changing curtains, washing windows and dust boards, and doing yard work...just to name a few. Last summer, Zsu Zsu and I went up to help her with summer chores (pruning shrubs, flipping mattresses, you name it). While Zsu Zsu was pruning, your Great Grandma and I followed behind her, picking up every single needle....in the 90 degree weather!! After a couple hours, Zsu Zsu and I were beat! We needed a break. Your, at the time, 86 year old great grandma said, "Yeah. You two go rest for a bit. I'll finish up here." How did an 80-some outlast us?!

an exquisite cook. To go right along with her generous hospitality, the dishes served were always scrumptious. And her cooking skills weren't brought out just for guests. She always had fabulous meals - all three - no matter who was eating them. Her mind and plans for any event always revolved around the food. You could always count on one question being asked after going to any event, "What did they serve?"

very proud of her roots. 100% Italian is what she claimed. I will miss her delicious Italian cooking. She passed on many traditions to us, which I will be sure to pass on to you. 

a political buff. CNN or MSNBC was most likely the channel you'd find when you turned on her TV. But TV wasn't her only source of info - she would always read her newspapers, and her Time magazines. I could always count on her asking, "What do you think about ________, Court?"

a servant of Jesus Christ. For as long as I live, I will never forget watching my grandma walk into Crystal Lake and get baptized at 70-some years old. It was one of the greatest baptisms I've ever witnessed. 

a classy dresser. No matter how big or small, if she was heading out, you could guarentee that she would be dressed up. Big events - an important church service, holidays, graduations, etc. - always caused for a new outfit! And she would never be found out without her jewelry or lipstick on!

an athlete and loyal, yet incredibly pessimistic sports fan! Steelers and Pirates those were her teams. Yet, before the first tackle was made or pitch thrown, she was already complaining about how they were going to lose! And though she didn't always see the entire game (out of disgust for poor playing), she always tuned in.

a care-giver. I watched her as she nursed my Pap-Pap in his last summer. You could see the exhaustion in her eyes, but she didn't let that stop her. She took care of her husband all the way until his final breath. She took care of her son through years of battling a brain tumor. Eventually, at just 30 years old, your Great Uncle Ryan lost his battle to a brain tumor. But your Great Grandma was there, caring for him through it all. And just this year, she took care of her dying sister. She would bring her meals and keep her company daily. Just last week, she had to say goodbye to her sister. 

a wife, mother, and grandmother. Family was her life and she took such pride in her family. She and Pap-Pap were married for years. There are a few sweet moments I will always remember of the two of them, that made me giggle - I will never forget watching my Pap-Pap swing dance with her in the kitchen! It was such a sweet and silly moment. I love this memory. You could see the pride as she watched your Zsu Zsu take care of her these last few years. She had always been a very independent woman. But with the passing of my Pap-Pap, things changed and she needed more help. I will never forget the look as Zsu Zsu and I surprised her one week to help out. She took one look at her daughter and her eyes just lit up. That same week, as they hugged goodbye, it was beautiful to see the sincere gratitude and love in her eyes for her baby girl. Oh how I wish I could add "great grandma" to this list.

I think I could keep going all night. Jennie Ross was a woman unlike any other I have known. She was a spunky little thing who kept us on our toes with the things she would say. In the midst of my anger and confusion, I am grateful she did not suffer or have to fight any illness. She was such a hard worker, I imagine her body was simply exhausted from constantly giving to others. With the passing of her sister last week, she worried about being alone and not being able to drive. She worried about whether or not to move to Kentucky or stay alone up north. I think God rescued her from these decisions that she just didn't want to make. I'm just selfishly sad that we didn't have any warning, that I didn't get to talk to her one last time, and that I will not be able to make the trip up north to say goodbye. But I'm grateful for the memories I have of her. Don't worry boys, you will know who your Great Grandma was, I have many stories to share with you once you are here!

Oh, The Difference a Year Makes

Exactly one year ago today, I paced the carpet in my classroom as my phone finally rang at 2:39.

Exactly one year ago today, I found out after months of doing shots, our first attempt at IUI had failed. 

Exactly one year ago today, the two week wait was brought to a screeching halt as our hopes and dreams of being parents seemed to be caving in around us. 

Exactly one year ago today, I found out how differently your daddy and I grieve. This sent us into probably the most difficult month of our relationship as we each mourned - in our own, very different ways - the loss of something we never really had. 

Exactly one year ago, I questioned why God was putting us through these trials. Didn't he hear our cries?

Now, exactly one year later, I lay here in my hospital bed, you two flip-flopping like crazy, so incredibly thankful for so much. 

I am thankful for the incredibly difficult road it took us to get pregnant. It has given me a perspective and appreciation I probably would have never had. 

I am thankful for our difficult journey because it has done nothing but reassure me that your daddy is the only man for me. He has been my rock through this all. He is by my side each and every day, bringing me strength when I am drained. 

And as odd as it may seem, I am thankful for the struggle of this pregnancy. This pregnancy alone was a miracle. And now, my Little Ones, you continue to shock doctors as you prove to the world that you truly are miracles. I know you will continue to show what miracles you are once you are born too - I believe with complete faith, that I await the birth of you two healthy babies!

I would have never thought a year ago, that this November, God would have answered our prayers....twice....with your two precious lives. I am beyond blessed and thankful for this beautiful life and cannot wait to welcome you to it!

29 Weeks

Besides the miracle of being 29 weeks pregnant, here are a few more things I'm thankful for this week...