Sleepy Smiles

Today's day in the NICU was absolute perfection. Ryan you made it through the night without oxygen and were still off by the time I got there. On top of that, after two days of no feedings (due to blood transfusion), they decided to slowly start you back on food. Instead of eating "big" amounts all at once, they decided to do a continuous drip of food, just 1 cc every hour. So, as soon as I walked in, your nurse asked, "Want to hold him before we start his feedings for the day?" This question still makes me chuckle - want to?! How would I ever not want to hold you two!!

So, I instantly got to snuggle you for nearly an hour and a half! I loved seeing all of your sweet face now that your oxygen has been removed. You seemed to like it too because you gave lots of sweet smiles today! At one point, we joked how you and your brother were teasing the nurses by constantly making the IV machine beep. As we were all laughing, you began "laughing" and smiling too. It was pretty hysterical. 

such a beautiful face we can now really see!

sweet boy

As soon as I finished holding you, it was on to your brother. Wiley I then got to hold you for nearly an hour and a half! You were wide awake for the first several minutes. I loved watching your eyes try to focus on things around you. You too were super smiley today! I enjoyed making lots of ridiculous faces at you while you were looking around. 

love those hands - always on your face

precious boy

I could stay by your sides all day and all night if my healing body would allow it. Until then, I treasure every second I spend in your room!

Happy Birthday, Zsu Zsu!

Birthday photos with Zsu Zsu and Aunt Aubrey! You celebrated being one week old and Zsu Zsu celebrated her birthday!

Happy Birthday! Love Ryan

Happy Birthday! Love Wiley

Aunt Aubrey and your first photo bombs

The card you made for Zsu Zsu - look how smart you are already!

The night ended with fabulous news!! Ryan, you are now off oxygen completely and up to 3 pounds 3 ounces (bigger than birth weight!!). We were just thrilled to have such a positive report before bed and to hear both of you are doing so incredibly well. Keep it up, my little fighters! Can't wait to see and snuggle you tomorrow!

Monday Madness

At 4:12 AM, your daddy and I were startled out of our sleep by a ringing phone.

The only thing more terrifying than the NICU calling us, is the NICU calling us at four in the morning! I was ready to hop out of bed and rush to the hospital before even answering my phone.

"Hello, Mrs. Curran, it's Nate again in the NICU. Everything is fine, I just wanted to update you." Surely everything wasn't fine if I was getting a call this early in the morning. Turns out Ryan, you had de-stated so much that he didn't want to wait to do the x-rays in the morning. They did them in the middle of the night. What they found out was your pic line had traveled too far down and was now actually touching your heart, causing all of these de-stats. They were able to pull the line back again, take more x-rays, and see it was now in the correct place. This would hopefully take care of your de-stats. I was so thankful they didn't have to redo your pic line.

They also tested several levels again and found that your blood levels had dropped and they were considering a blood transfusion. How one goes back to sleep after a phone call like that, I don't know, but somehow or another we did.

When I got out of the shower this morning, I had two missed calls and messages: the NICU and your daddy. Again, instant worries. Ryan your blood levels were still down. After getting permission from your daddy, they decided to stop your feedings for the day and do a blood transfusion. I could not get to the hospital soon enough to check on you boys!

Ryan, you were doing much better when we arrived. You were alert, active and de-stating much less than the weekend.

ryan at the end of your blood transfusion

Wiley, you were super alert too, so I got to hold you! (Ryan, you were going to spend the day comfortably snuggled in your bed. We wanted to keep you calm and get you back to a more stable condition.) We didn't do kangaroo care today, so that I could look at you and enjoy your alertness! However, by the time you got to me, you were back to sleep - I think your warm blanket was too cozy to resist another nap!

Sunday you both had your first brain scans to check for brain bleeds (next one: December 19th...as long as you don't show signs of needing one sooner). We were told we would have the results by this morning. I anxiously waited all day for a good report. Right before we left this afternoon, the doctor peeked in, "Just got off the phone with radiology. Brain scans are perfectly normal!" After a somewhat nerve-raking day, I was thankful to be leaving on such a positive report.

wiley, clearly pondering something important

such teeny tiny hands and fingers!

wiley, sleepy smiles

ryan, clearly excited to have blood transfusion completed so mommy can hold you tomorrow!

wiley, chilled back for a nice long nap

ryan, snuggled with snoedel, ready to nap

Daddy came to visit you guys after work today. He had thought he would just stay for a half-hour or so, but couldn't resist your cuteness! He ended up staying for over an hour and a half keeping watch over you two!

Today, was a day full of changing reports, but today was a good day. We praise God that he continues to keep you safe and protects you both. We love you very much and are looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow.

Whirlwind Weekend

I had anticipated that this weekend would be challenging. I knew this weekend is when the ups and downs of the NICU road would begin.

Friday, you both had excellent days, but your momma was still in a lot of pain. I'm trying to take it easy so that I can get better to give you my full attention, but I'm not so great at being patient! Nenny, Papa Donnie, and Zsu Zsu all came up Friday to see you guys and were just in awe at how stinking adorable you both are!

After being frustrated that I couldn't spend as much time as I wanted Friday in the NICU, your daddy and I went back together. What a great decision that was! We got some quiet, alone kangaroo care time with.....both of you!!! Daddy held you, Wiley for the first and I was finally reunited with you, Ryan! It was such a great end to a difficult day - the four of us all together!

daddy and wiley

mommy and ryan for the first time!

family photo

Saturday. A bittersweet day, a day of celebration, yet a day I had been dreading. I would finally be coming home after being away for nearly a month. I was excited to be walking again and returning to my own home, but mainly I was dreading it. How could I leave my heart in that hospital? How would I get through the night without you boys being just a short walk away??

When we went to say goodbye for the evening, we were so happy to see you all were no longer glow worms! Jaundice levels were back to normal, but they told us not to be alarmed if you were back under the lights again. We arrived at the NICU right before your next feeding. The nurse asked, "Do you want to be in charge of their temperatures and diaper changes? We do it ten minutes before each feeding." I wanted to say, "Do I?!" I was ecstatic! It is so hard watching others take care of you - that's my job! And it's hard feeling like I have to ask to touch you or hold you - you're  my babies! So, getting to take over a small responsibility of motherhood has been a huge step for me. I just adore changing your diapers and taking care of you! I especially love when you guys are on your bellies beforehand because it gives me an excuse to pick you up!

While I was standing next to you, Ryan, your heart rate dropped from the 140s to the 30s and 20s. The nurse was in mid-feed with you, Wiley, so she turned and asked, "Is he breathing??" What a terribly scary question! You were, but still your heart rate was scarily low. "Wiggle his foot," she instructed. Very daintily, I gave it a wiggle. Nothing. "Little harder, you won't hurt him. Pinch him if you need to." Again, I gave you a little wiggle on your foot. Nothing. Wiggled your whole leg. Nothing! Your heart rate was still very low. The nurse came over, scooped you up, gave you a light pinch. Thank God, it began to return to normal. I must say, that was probably the scariest 20-30 seconds of my life! I was glad she taught me what to do though, because you de-stated again a few minutes later while she was back getting your meds. I immediately knew what to do, and helped bring your heart rate back up. We were told at this time, no need to worry, this could be very normal, but that they would continue monitoring your number of de-stats over the next couple of days.

daddy keeping a close eye on your stats

 

Before I knew it, it was time for us to say our goodbyes. After kissing you each once and hugging you goodbye, I realized I needed one more goodbye...and then a third! After closing your incubators for the final time, I instantly began to cry! It's just torture having you boys here with us now, but not being able to be with you 24 hours. We are so blessed to be in the hospital we are in and we absolutely love the nurses taking care of you, but it was still hard to leave you for the night.

On the way home, daddy stopped for two pick me ups: my first peppermint mocha and a Subway Italian BMT, since I couldn't have them while pregnant! No, coffee and lunch meat does not come close to you two, but it brought a smile through my sobs.

While our house has never been filled with the sound of children, it felt oddly quiet Saturday night. It was exciting to see our swing, stroller, and car seats out in the living room...yet it was also a painful reminder you guys aren't home yet. When we got upstairs, your daddy asked, "Have you been in the  nursery yet?" I was confused why and he told me to go take a peek.

The first thing I noticed was he had oddly turned our rocking chair to face the door straight on. It didn't look so great, but I didn't say anything.

yep, I noticed chair was turned, but missed the card and jewelry box!

Instead, I touched your beds and clothes, looked around, and left. When I came back to the room empty handed, your daddy said, "Umm, I think you should go back." Now getting suspicious, I went back, and finally noticed what was in the rocking chair! When I opened it, I was shocked to find a gorgeous ring! In the middle was a stunning diamond Ninny gave us and on each side, a November birthstone for you two. How thoughtful is your daddy? He had three different rings set aside: October, November, and December, since we had no idea when you'd be arriving! How great is he?! Take notes boys!

We climbed into bed and called the NICU one final time and got yet another positive report. I was so excited to go to bed, so that I could wake up and go see you again!

Sunday morning, while packing our bags for the day, my phone rang. My caller ID read: NICU. I think I stopped breathing while I answered. Thank God, it was more of a courtesy, "Good morning, your boys are doing fine," call, which I so appreciated. Ryan, you had had a somewhat eventful evening, with several more de-stats in your heart rate. The doctor reassured us that this could be a normal, "I'm a preemie," reaction or it could be acid reflux. Either way, he still wasn't too concerned, but had ordered for a chest x-ray Monday morning just to be on the safe side.

After the phone call, even though things were going well, we were both anxious and excited to get back to you two.

on our way!

We arrived at the perfect time: diaper changes and temperature checks! I loved it! And as soon as that was completed, it was kangaroo time! Daddy finally got to hold you, Ryan, while I snuggled with you, Wiley. Again, we were in heaven!

daddy and ryan for the first time!

mommy and wiley

Later that afternoon, Great Aunt Boo and Chris came by to see you both, as did your Zsu Zsu. You both opened your eyes today when Zsu Zsu talked to you!

Much too quickly, it was time to say goodbye again. After kissing you twice goodbye, we headed out. This time, I kept it together and did not cry standing between your incubators. However, I did cry once I reached the door of the NICU! I just hate having to leave you both each night.

Sunday was a difficult night and I was missing you both terribly. I'm sure with time, this will get easier. But for the moment, I just want you two in my arms and in our house! I know that day is coming and I know you are in the best place right now, but it's still hard to leave you. Keep fighting, Ryan and Wiley; we are so proud of you!

Proud Papa

Yesterday you boys had a busy day. We came and talked to you in the morning, but had to leave around 10:00. You were both going to have a mini-procedure done. So that you don't have to keep getting new IV's every couple of days, they decided to start pic lines (like a more permanent IV).

We were sad to leave you, but knew you were safely in God's hands and would be just fine. Once back to our room, your daddy offered a beautiful prayer for you two and we awaited the phone call saying all went well. Two hours later, we got the call that Ryan, your line was in and it only took two tries. An hour and a half later, we heard that your line was in too, Wiley. They even let us know that you two handled the procedure much better than most babies do! In fact, Ryan your stats even came down during the procedure! You are two strong fighters. I am so proud of you both!

We had a quiet afternoon, as you both needed some time to rest and recover. Aunt Aubrey, Uncle Kiley, and Aunt Callie all had a chance to peek in on you resting. 

Later that evening we headed back to visit you again - this time knowing that it was kangaroo care time! Once you and I, Wiley, were all snuggled in, your daddy began talking to Ryan. It was time for the nurse to change his diaper, weigh him, and do a quick check up. Daddy got to be her assistant! Ryan, daddy got to pick you up a couple of times, weigh you, and he even changed your diaper! He was so proud to be holding one of his sons. I loved that both of you were being loved on this time! You two are incredible and continue to just get stronger!!

pure joy

Kangaroos and Glow Worms

As soon as I had cleared all morning testing from surgery, your daddy and I were out the door and headed for our one and only destination - you two! My biggest question for the day, When can I hold my babies? I was afraid to ask because I was sure the answer would be several days from now and that seemed like torture.

So, we got to you and begin touching and talking to you. "You know Mom," the nurse started, "I think Wiley might be able to try kangaroo care today. Would you like to try that?" Would I like to try that?!?! She then looked at you Ryan, "He may even be ready too."

I was ecstatic. I could not wait to hold my babies. We had to go back to the room for more testing and checkups for me, but we would be back after lunch to hold our boys!

After lunch, we giddily headed back to you. Unfortunately, Ryan you weren't quite ready to come out yet - you were still trying to pull out your oxygen. However, you were very observant of your brother. You saw him cuddling with me and your breathing instantly slowed down! They were even able to turn your oxygen levels down. Keep fighting, little guy, we will get to hold you soon too!

Wiley, you wailed and screamed as they took you out of your bed, but once you were snuggled inside my shirt, you were so calm and comfortable. For an hour I held you. It was heaven on earth!

Later when we went back to visit, we were greeted by our adorable little glow worms! Both of you are jaundice, so you'll be under the lights for at least a day or two. 

I just can't get over the fact that you are ours! I could stare at you both all day long. I can't wait until we snuggle, hold, and love on you whenever we'd like. And as strong as you have both shown to be, I hope that time isn't far away!

Our Miraculous Hellos

Well Little Ones, one thing I've learned in this journey is that God's timing and plan is always perfect. He knows just what we need and when we need it.

Last night, around midnight, I noticed some small changes and prayed it wasn't what I thought. Well, at 4 AM I was woken by broken water. This was it. 

After a few tests, confirming yes indeed I had broken my water, we were whisked away downstairs. On our way down I debated whether or not to call my family who was still in Pennsylvania. Zsu Zsu has demanded, whatever the hour, call! But what could they do six hours away? Besides, we were going to stall for at least a day. After debating, we decided to call Aunt Aubrey and let her make the decision. Well, she instantly woke everyone up and they were on the road an hour later!

Our early morning here started out with some digging around in my veins (always fun) to try and get an IV started, trying to find you two on the monitors, and some antibiotics. Our mission: stall as long as possible!

Right before 5 AM, I got to start my third round of magnesium - yippee!! But again, whatever it takes to protect you, that was my focus. 

Somewhere between 6 and 6:30 we had a shift change and I was nervous to see who would be helping us. But to my surprise, and I know yet another blessing from God, in walked Terri. I was over the moon! She had been our nurse from the beginning - how perfect that she would be here today. Although, part of me was sad because I knew we wouldn't be delivering today. 

We then met with our regular doctor and high risk doctor. Both were very encouraging that we could at least prolong for 24-48 hours. Dr. Weeks even thought we could make it another ten days easily. This was great news! (Yet I instantly felt guilty - my family was frantically rushing back home for nothing.)

After a few hours on the magnesium, we were greeted with another surprise - and again a complete act of God. One of our closet, family friend (my second dad) walked in. Why is this a God thing?? A few years ago they moved to Florida. It just so happened that he had business in Ohio this week starting tomorrow. So, he drove two and a half hours just to check on us and pray for us. And this was before he knew we were in labor - this was always his plan. Isn't God great! He knew that we'd be in labor today, He knew my family would be away for Great Grandma, and so He had his hand in Chuck's visit.

While visiting with Chuck, I let Terri know my cramping had become more consistent and very intense with contractions. You could see the concern in her eyes. She quickly communicated this with the doctor who was soon back in our room. After doing a quick examination, and letting me know she could feel Miracle Baby A pushing through the cerclage, she proclaimed, "It's go time. I'd like to be in the operating room in 30 minutes."

I instantly became overcome with so many feelings. I was excited to finally meet you. I felt guilty for feeling like I failed you and it was too soon to be doing this. I was terrified of surgery. I was thankful I decided to call my family who was now only 40 minutes away. I was beyond grateful for Terri, who would be there with me through it all. I was grateful Chuck was there. I was in such a swirl as was the room with many people preparing for your arrival.

excited & anxious papa

In the midst of the madness, Chuck offered a beautiful prayer over our sweet family of four. We hugged and he headed out to the waiting room. Once his prayer ended, Paka called almost immediately to also pray for our family. I put it on speaker as your daddy, Terri, and I all bowed our heads in prayer. It was a great moment. I felt a calm and knew you'd both be just fine. 

Before I knew it, it was 12:45 and time to go and we were off to the operating room!

here we go! even erin came for the excitement 

Your daddy had to wait in a seperate room while I was prepped. The final step in prepping - my spinal block (no biggie, I had had this with the cerclage). Except not. Unfortunately, after giving me the numbing medicine, the anesthesiologist could not seem to get the block in. A couple tries targeted just one side and not the other, other tries were hitting bone. I tried to put on a brave face, but it was definitely uncomfortable. Finally, he needed a new needle! So, we tried another numbing shot again and were back at the block. Thankfully, this time it worked fairly quickly and before I knew it, I was completely numb!

Soon after, your daddy was at my side, being so comforting and kind to me. A large sheet went up and the doctor asked, "Did you feel that?"

"Huh?" I asked. She held up a tool that she had just pinched my stomach with! I hadn't felt a touch, let alone a pinch. I had been so nervous about feeling the surgery because the block had not been strong enough for the cerclage. I was instantly comforted that I was completely numb and this was going to be okay. 

I soon heard suctioning and looked at your daddy, "They started?!" Sure enough, we were in the middle of surgery. All of my personal worrying for nothing - I did not feel any pain and very little pressure. What seemed like seconds later, we heard, "Okay here's Baby A!" and Dr. Brown held you up for us to see. I had read that many preemies don't cry when born, but still the quiet was sad to me. Until....you cried!! The most beautiful sound in the world. While kissing and celebrating with your dad, with tears in our eyes, our doctor announced, "And here's Baby B!" Just one minute apart - 1:38 and 1:39. And Baby B, just like your brother, you too soon cried too!

hearing you cry

my sweet boys

I had anticipated not being able to hold or see you, so when a nurse brought you over to me, Baby A, I was so grateful. Not only did I see you up close, but I got to hold and kiss you!! I have loved you since before you even were, but having you in my arms, well, that is a love unlike anything I have ever felt. You were mine. After years of prayers, my dream was alive and well and in my arms. I took one look at you and knew, you were in fact, as I always called you, Wiley Scott Curran. Be proud of your name and wear it with honor. Wiley - your Ninny's maiden name. Represent her family well. Scott - your Paka's middle name. An honorable and selfless man of God. Make him proud. And finally, Curran - your Grandpa's last name. The name could've ended with your daddy. You get to carry it on! Do so with respect and morality. 

holding Wiley Scott

Right after you were taken away, Wiley, your brother was brought around to me too. And sure enough, I knew with complete certainty, you were my sweet Ryan Scott Curran. Your breathing was a little more concerning than your brother's so I gave you a quick kiss and sent you on to hands that would help you. I'll tell you the same thing I told your brother. Be proud of your name and wear it with honor. Ryan - your late great uncle's name. A strong, courageous, and faithful man of Christ. Carry him on in all you do. Scott - your Paka's middle name. A leader of God who gives to everyone. Make him proud. And lastly, Curran - your Grandpa's last name. The name could've ended with your daddy. You get to carry it on! Do so with respect and morality. 

smooches for Ryan Scott

After saying goodbye, they wheeled you both upstairs where you were greeted by all of your family! Nenny, Papa Donnie, Grandpa, Aunt Callie, Aunt Sarah, Great Aunt Boo, Chuck....and even Paka, Zsu Zsu, Aunt Aubrey, and Uncle Kye had made it to see you both! Your daddy went out to see everyone and tell them the wonderful news that you were both healthy and doing well!

greeting Ninny and Aunt Callie after you both rolled bDaddy and I returned to our room for recovery and not long after, were headed back to the third floor. I was so excited to be heading up because I knew we were one step closer to seeing you again! Terri brought us up where we thanked her and said our goodbyes. What an angel she has been - working well over her shift to care for us until we were handed over to the third floor. This experience has put so many incredible people in our lives. I thank God that we felt safe and cared for here. 

Once upstairs, your daddy took the grandparents to see you up close in the NICU.

perfect! holding your daddy's finger, Ryan

already such close friends, even your measurements are almost the exact same!

I wasn't allowed to see you until numbness was gone and I could walk. I was wiggling my legs like crazy - I had to get back to you!! Sure enough, by 5:50, we had a wheelchair and I was on my way to my boys. 

in heaven

first family photo - Wiley in front, Ryan in the background

Once back in the room, I was given "snodels," small little blankets to put on my skin, sleep with, and pick up my scent. You will receive these tomorrow. Since I can't hold or feed you yet, this is a way for us to bond. I love this and the idea that you'll know your momma, even if I'm not loving on you like I'd like yet. 

sorry boys; they're all out of blue for now

One of my favorite moments, was late at night. At 11:30, after our first wake up call (even though neither of us had fallen asleep yet) your daddy said, "I need to go say goodnight to my boys." He headed back to the NICU to spend a few quiet moments with you. He loves you two so much already. I can't wait to watch him grow even more into fatherhood and watch your relationships take off. 

Words cannot express how in love I am with you. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have finally met you. I am so thankful that my longest desire and dream has come true. I hope I live up to all the love you boys deserve and am a good mother to you. 

And lastly, I so thank God for His perfect timing. Tuesday, my family would be leaving Great Grandma's house. I knew pulling out of the driveway and leaving would be incredibly hard for them. While I know they were all absolutely exhausted, I think God helped make their departure a little easier, knowing a great joy was waiting for them back home. I was so devastated when Great Grandma passed that she didn't know we named you Ryan, after her son. Now, I trust that while you were still preparing for your earthly debut, she held you two in heaven. She was able to spend a long weekend caring for her two great grandsons. And after her final act of care-giving was complete, she shared you with us. She knew you two and I know she loved you both. I love that yesterday we said goodbye to her and lost a family member, only to say hello to two new family members today. What sweet poetic perfection!