Whirlwind Weekend

I had anticipated that this weekend would be challenging. I knew this weekend is when the ups and downs of the NICU road would begin.

Friday, you both had excellent days, but your momma was still in a lot of pain. I'm trying to take it easy so that I can get better to give you my full attention, but I'm not so great at being patient! Nenny, Papa Donnie, and Zsu Zsu all came up Friday to see you guys and were just in awe at how stinking adorable you both are!

After being frustrated that I couldn't spend as much time as I wanted Friday in the NICU, your daddy and I went back together. What a great decision that was! We got some quiet, alone kangaroo care time with.....both of you!!! Daddy held you, Wiley for the first and I was finally reunited with you, Ryan! It was such a great end to a difficult day - the four of us all together!

daddy and wiley

mommy and ryan for the first time!

family photo

Saturday. A bittersweet day, a day of celebration, yet a day I had been dreading. I would finally be coming home after being away for nearly a month. I was excited to be walking again and returning to my own home, but mainly I was dreading it. How could I leave my heart in that hospital? How would I get through the night without you boys being just a short walk away??

When we went to say goodbye for the evening, we were so happy to see you all were no longer glow worms! Jaundice levels were back to normal, but they told us not to be alarmed if you were back under the lights again. We arrived at the NICU right before your next feeding. The nurse asked, "Do you want to be in charge of their temperatures and diaper changes? We do it ten minutes before each feeding." I wanted to say, "Do I?!" I was ecstatic! It is so hard watching others take care of you - that's my job! And it's hard feeling like I have to ask to touch you or hold you - you're  my babies! So, getting to take over a small responsibility of motherhood has been a huge step for me. I just adore changing your diapers and taking care of you! I especially love when you guys are on your bellies beforehand because it gives me an excuse to pick you up!

While I was standing next to you, Ryan, your heart rate dropped from the 140s to the 30s and 20s. The nurse was in mid-feed with you, Wiley, so she turned and asked, "Is he breathing??" What a terribly scary question! You were, but still your heart rate was scarily low. "Wiggle his foot," she instructed. Very daintily, I gave it a wiggle. Nothing. "Little harder, you won't hurt him. Pinch him if you need to." Again, I gave you a little wiggle on your foot. Nothing. Wiggled your whole leg. Nothing! Your heart rate was still very low. The nurse came over, scooped you up, gave you a light pinch. Thank God, it began to return to normal. I must say, that was probably the scariest 20-30 seconds of my life! I was glad she taught me what to do though, because you de-stated again a few minutes later while she was back getting your meds. I immediately knew what to do, and helped bring your heart rate back up. We were told at this time, no need to worry, this could be very normal, but that they would continue monitoring your number of de-stats over the next couple of days.

daddy keeping a close eye on your stats

 

Before I knew it, it was time for us to say our goodbyes. After kissing you each once and hugging you goodbye, I realized I needed one more goodbye...and then a third! After closing your incubators for the final time, I instantly began to cry! It's just torture having you boys here with us now, but not being able to be with you 24 hours. We are so blessed to be in the hospital we are in and we absolutely love the nurses taking care of you, but it was still hard to leave you for the night.

On the way home, daddy stopped for two pick me ups: my first peppermint mocha and a Subway Italian BMT, since I couldn't have them while pregnant! No, coffee and lunch meat does not come close to you two, but it brought a smile through my sobs.

While our house has never been filled with the sound of children, it felt oddly quiet Saturday night. It was exciting to see our swing, stroller, and car seats out in the living room...yet it was also a painful reminder you guys aren't home yet. When we got upstairs, your daddy asked, "Have you been in the  nursery yet?" I was confused why and he told me to go take a peek.

The first thing I noticed was he had oddly turned our rocking chair to face the door straight on. It didn't look so great, but I didn't say anything.

yep, I noticed chair was turned, but missed the card and jewelry box!

Instead, I touched your beds and clothes, looked around, and left. When I came back to the room empty handed, your daddy said, "Umm, I think you should go back." Now getting suspicious, I went back, and finally noticed what was in the rocking chair! When I opened it, I was shocked to find a gorgeous ring! In the middle was a stunning diamond Ninny gave us and on each side, a November birthstone for you two. How thoughtful is your daddy? He had three different rings set aside: October, November, and December, since we had no idea when you'd be arriving! How great is he?! Take notes boys!

We climbed into bed and called the NICU one final time and got yet another positive report. I was so excited to go to bed, so that I could wake up and go see you again!

Sunday morning, while packing our bags for the day, my phone rang. My caller ID read: NICU. I think I stopped breathing while I answered. Thank God, it was more of a courtesy, "Good morning, your boys are doing fine," call, which I so appreciated. Ryan, you had had a somewhat eventful evening, with several more de-stats in your heart rate. The doctor reassured us that this could be a normal, "I'm a preemie," reaction or it could be acid reflux. Either way, he still wasn't too concerned, but had ordered for a chest x-ray Monday morning just to be on the safe side.

After the phone call, even though things were going well, we were both anxious and excited to get back to you two.

on our way!

We arrived at the perfect time: diaper changes and temperature checks! I loved it! And as soon as that was completed, it was kangaroo time! Daddy finally got to hold you, Ryan, while I snuggled with you, Wiley. Again, we were in heaven!

daddy and ryan for the first time!

mommy and wiley

Later that afternoon, Great Aunt Boo and Chris came by to see you both, as did your Zsu Zsu. You both opened your eyes today when Zsu Zsu talked to you!

Much too quickly, it was time to say goodbye again. After kissing you twice goodbye, we headed out. This time, I kept it together and did not cry standing between your incubators. However, I did cry once I reached the door of the NICU! I just hate having to leave you both each night.

Sunday was a difficult night and I was missing you both terribly. I'm sure with time, this will get easier. But for the moment, I just want you two in my arms and in our house! I know that day is coming and I know you are in the best place right now, but it's still hard to leave you. Keep fighting, Ryan and Wiley; we are so proud of you!