Happy Thanksgiving

This is my view as I type today. 

Perfection. Absolute perfection. 

I am just in awe at how incredibly blessed we are. Last year, Thanksgiving was a difficult day as we were still dealing with a failed round of IUI. We were still trying to understand the why of this journey God was putting us on. 

Then, this spring we were finally able to celebrate the news of you two. We could not wait for your arrival. 

This fall, our journey picked back up again, as we feared losing you, our sweet miracles. We held tight to our faith trusting God wouldn't give us you, just to take you away before you were even born. We again wondered why our pregnancy took the turn it did. At times this journey seemed to be more than we could handle. But we prayed, stayed close to God, and trusted His plan to be greater than what we could see. 

Now, I take one look at your sweet little faces and realize how perfect His plan truly was! 

This Thanksgiving, I am reminded of the verse, "And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no sin. But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things. Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." Without the pain and struggle of our journey the past three years, the joy we feel this Thanksgiving would not compare. In order to truly feel joy, we must also know pain. 

So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for the pain it took to get to you. 

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for you, Wiley and Ryan. I am thankful for the joy you have already brought into our lives. I am thankful for the honor to be your mommy; that God has entrusted me with your precious lives. 

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for your daddy who has stepped up more than any man I know. He has proven that he would move mountains for me and for you all. I am amazed at the man he has become. He is a man of God who I respect and am blessed to call the head of our house. I am thankful that he is mine and I'm thankful that you will have the privilege of calling him your dad. 

This Thanksgiving I am thankful for a family who has done far too much for us - especially these past few months. Paka, Zsu Zsu, Aunt Aubrey, and Uncle Kiley have put their lives on hold to take care of our family. Their selflessness - admist all their own struggles and pain they face right now - is so humbling. They are each living examples of the verse, "And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." They have truly loved us as themselves and put themselves second. I am humbled by their love and forever grateful to how much they have taken care of our family. 

We are beyond blessed, Ryan and Wiley. This crazy life of ours is full of ups and downs. There will be things that you just can't prepare for and you will find yourself wondering why. But just remember, God has your life in His hands and His plan is always greater than we can see. Through the good and bad, we will always have so much to be thankful for. I love you more than you'll ever know!

Sleepy Smiles

Today's day in the NICU was absolute perfection. Ryan you made it through the night without oxygen and were still off by the time I got there. On top of that, after two days of no feedings (due to blood transfusion), they decided to slowly start you back on food. Instead of eating "big" amounts all at once, they decided to do a continuous drip of food, just 1 cc every hour. So, as soon as I walked in, your nurse asked, "Want to hold him before we start his feedings for the day?" This question still makes me chuckle - want to?! How would I ever not want to hold you two!!

So, I instantly got to snuggle you for nearly an hour and a half! I loved seeing all of your sweet face now that your oxygen has been removed. You seemed to like it too because you gave lots of sweet smiles today! At one point, we joked how you and your brother were teasing the nurses by constantly making the IV machine beep. As we were all laughing, you began "laughing" and smiling too. It was pretty hysterical. 

such a beautiful face we can now really see!

sweet boy

As soon as I finished holding you, it was on to your brother. Wiley I then got to hold you for nearly an hour and a half! You were wide awake for the first several minutes. I loved watching your eyes try to focus on things around you. You too were super smiley today! I enjoyed making lots of ridiculous faces at you while you were looking around. 

love those hands - always on your face

precious boy

I could stay by your sides all day and all night if my healing body would allow it. Until then, I treasure every second I spend in your room!

Happy Birthday, Zsu Zsu!

Birthday photos with Zsu Zsu and Aunt Aubrey! You celebrated being one week old and Zsu Zsu celebrated her birthday!

Happy Birthday! Love Ryan

Happy Birthday! Love Wiley

Aunt Aubrey and your first photo bombs

The card you made for Zsu Zsu - look how smart you are already!

The night ended with fabulous news!! Ryan, you are now off oxygen completely and up to 3 pounds 3 ounces (bigger than birth weight!!). We were just thrilled to have such a positive report before bed and to hear both of you are doing so incredibly well. Keep it up, my little fighters! Can't wait to see and snuggle you tomorrow!

Monday Madness

At 4:12 AM, your daddy and I were startled out of our sleep by a ringing phone.

The only thing more terrifying than the NICU calling us, is the NICU calling us at four in the morning! I was ready to hop out of bed and rush to the hospital before even answering my phone.

"Hello, Mrs. Curran, it's Nate again in the NICU. Everything is fine, I just wanted to update you." Surely everything wasn't fine if I was getting a call this early in the morning. Turns out Ryan, you had de-stated so much that he didn't want to wait to do the x-rays in the morning. They did them in the middle of the night. What they found out was your pic line had traveled too far down and was now actually touching your heart, causing all of these de-stats. They were able to pull the line back again, take more x-rays, and see it was now in the correct place. This would hopefully take care of your de-stats. I was so thankful they didn't have to redo your pic line.

They also tested several levels again and found that your blood levels had dropped and they were considering a blood transfusion. How one goes back to sleep after a phone call like that, I don't know, but somehow or another we did.

When I got out of the shower this morning, I had two missed calls and messages: the NICU and your daddy. Again, instant worries. Ryan your blood levels were still down. After getting permission from your daddy, they decided to stop your feedings for the day and do a blood transfusion. I could not get to the hospital soon enough to check on you boys!

Ryan, you were doing much better when we arrived. You were alert, active and de-stating much less than the weekend.

ryan at the end of your blood transfusion

Wiley, you were super alert too, so I got to hold you! (Ryan, you were going to spend the day comfortably snuggled in your bed. We wanted to keep you calm and get you back to a more stable condition.) We didn't do kangaroo care today, so that I could look at you and enjoy your alertness! However, by the time you got to me, you were back to sleep - I think your warm blanket was too cozy to resist another nap!

Sunday you both had your first brain scans to check for brain bleeds (next one: December 19th...as long as you don't show signs of needing one sooner). We were told we would have the results by this morning. I anxiously waited all day for a good report. Right before we left this afternoon, the doctor peeked in, "Just got off the phone with radiology. Brain scans are perfectly normal!" After a somewhat nerve-raking day, I was thankful to be leaving on such a positive report.

wiley, clearly pondering something important

such teeny tiny hands and fingers!

wiley, sleepy smiles

ryan, clearly excited to have blood transfusion completed so mommy can hold you tomorrow!

wiley, chilled back for a nice long nap

ryan, snuggled with snoedel, ready to nap

Daddy came to visit you guys after work today. He had thought he would just stay for a half-hour or so, but couldn't resist your cuteness! He ended up staying for over an hour and a half keeping watch over you two!

Today, was a day full of changing reports, but today was a good day. We praise God that he continues to keep you safe and protects you both. We love you very much and are looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow.

Whirlwind Weekend

I had anticipated that this weekend would be challenging. I knew this weekend is when the ups and downs of the NICU road would begin.

Friday, you both had excellent days, but your momma was still in a lot of pain. I'm trying to take it easy so that I can get better to give you my full attention, but I'm not so great at being patient! Nenny, Papa Donnie, and Zsu Zsu all came up Friday to see you guys and were just in awe at how stinking adorable you both are!

After being frustrated that I couldn't spend as much time as I wanted Friday in the NICU, your daddy and I went back together. What a great decision that was! We got some quiet, alone kangaroo care time with.....both of you!!! Daddy held you, Wiley for the first and I was finally reunited with you, Ryan! It was such a great end to a difficult day - the four of us all together!

daddy and wiley

mommy and ryan for the first time!

family photo

Saturday. A bittersweet day, a day of celebration, yet a day I had been dreading. I would finally be coming home after being away for nearly a month. I was excited to be walking again and returning to my own home, but mainly I was dreading it. How could I leave my heart in that hospital? How would I get through the night without you boys being just a short walk away??

When we went to say goodbye for the evening, we were so happy to see you all were no longer glow worms! Jaundice levels were back to normal, but they told us not to be alarmed if you were back under the lights again. We arrived at the NICU right before your next feeding. The nurse asked, "Do you want to be in charge of their temperatures and diaper changes? We do it ten minutes before each feeding." I wanted to say, "Do I?!" I was ecstatic! It is so hard watching others take care of you - that's my job! And it's hard feeling like I have to ask to touch you or hold you - you're  my babies! So, getting to take over a small responsibility of motherhood has been a huge step for me. I just adore changing your diapers and taking care of you! I especially love when you guys are on your bellies beforehand because it gives me an excuse to pick you up!

While I was standing next to you, Ryan, your heart rate dropped from the 140s to the 30s and 20s. The nurse was in mid-feed with you, Wiley, so she turned and asked, "Is he breathing??" What a terribly scary question! You were, but still your heart rate was scarily low. "Wiggle his foot," she instructed. Very daintily, I gave it a wiggle. Nothing. "Little harder, you won't hurt him. Pinch him if you need to." Again, I gave you a little wiggle on your foot. Nothing. Wiggled your whole leg. Nothing! Your heart rate was still very low. The nurse came over, scooped you up, gave you a light pinch. Thank God, it began to return to normal. I must say, that was probably the scariest 20-30 seconds of my life! I was glad she taught me what to do though, because you de-stated again a few minutes later while she was back getting your meds. I immediately knew what to do, and helped bring your heart rate back up. We were told at this time, no need to worry, this could be very normal, but that they would continue monitoring your number of de-stats over the next couple of days.

daddy keeping a close eye on your stats

 

Before I knew it, it was time for us to say our goodbyes. After kissing you each once and hugging you goodbye, I realized I needed one more goodbye...and then a third! After closing your incubators for the final time, I instantly began to cry! It's just torture having you boys here with us now, but not being able to be with you 24 hours. We are so blessed to be in the hospital we are in and we absolutely love the nurses taking care of you, but it was still hard to leave you for the night.

On the way home, daddy stopped for two pick me ups: my first peppermint mocha and a Subway Italian BMT, since I couldn't have them while pregnant! No, coffee and lunch meat does not come close to you two, but it brought a smile through my sobs.

While our house has never been filled with the sound of children, it felt oddly quiet Saturday night. It was exciting to see our swing, stroller, and car seats out in the living room...yet it was also a painful reminder you guys aren't home yet. When we got upstairs, your daddy asked, "Have you been in the  nursery yet?" I was confused why and he told me to go take a peek.

The first thing I noticed was he had oddly turned our rocking chair to face the door straight on. It didn't look so great, but I didn't say anything.

yep, I noticed chair was turned, but missed the card and jewelry box!

Instead, I touched your beds and clothes, looked around, and left. When I came back to the room empty handed, your daddy said, "Umm, I think you should go back." Now getting suspicious, I went back, and finally noticed what was in the rocking chair! When I opened it, I was shocked to find a gorgeous ring! In the middle was a stunning diamond Ninny gave us and on each side, a November birthstone for you two. How thoughtful is your daddy? He had three different rings set aside: October, November, and December, since we had no idea when you'd be arriving! How great is he?! Take notes boys!

We climbed into bed and called the NICU one final time and got yet another positive report. I was so excited to go to bed, so that I could wake up and go see you again!

Sunday morning, while packing our bags for the day, my phone rang. My caller ID read: NICU. I think I stopped breathing while I answered. Thank God, it was more of a courtesy, "Good morning, your boys are doing fine," call, which I so appreciated. Ryan, you had had a somewhat eventful evening, with several more de-stats in your heart rate. The doctor reassured us that this could be a normal, "I'm a preemie," reaction or it could be acid reflux. Either way, he still wasn't too concerned, but had ordered for a chest x-ray Monday morning just to be on the safe side.

After the phone call, even though things were going well, we were both anxious and excited to get back to you two.

on our way!

We arrived at the perfect time: diaper changes and temperature checks! I loved it! And as soon as that was completed, it was kangaroo time! Daddy finally got to hold you, Ryan, while I snuggled with you, Wiley. Again, we were in heaven!

daddy and ryan for the first time!

mommy and wiley

Later that afternoon, Great Aunt Boo and Chris came by to see you both, as did your Zsu Zsu. You both opened your eyes today when Zsu Zsu talked to you!

Much too quickly, it was time to say goodbye again. After kissing you twice goodbye, we headed out. This time, I kept it together and did not cry standing between your incubators. However, I did cry once I reached the door of the NICU! I just hate having to leave you both each night.

Sunday was a difficult night and I was missing you both terribly. I'm sure with time, this will get easier. But for the moment, I just want you two in my arms and in our house! I know that day is coming and I know you are in the best place right now, but it's still hard to leave you. Keep fighting, Ryan and Wiley; we are so proud of you!

Proud Papa

Yesterday you boys had a busy day. We came and talked to you in the morning, but had to leave around 10:00. You were both going to have a mini-procedure done. So that you don't have to keep getting new IV's every couple of days, they decided to start pic lines (like a more permanent IV).

We were sad to leave you, but knew you were safely in God's hands and would be just fine. Once back to our room, your daddy offered a beautiful prayer for you two and we awaited the phone call saying all went well. Two hours later, we got the call that Ryan, your line was in and it only took two tries. An hour and a half later, we heard that your line was in too, Wiley. They even let us know that you two handled the procedure much better than most babies do! In fact, Ryan your stats even came down during the procedure! You are two strong fighters. I am so proud of you both!

We had a quiet afternoon, as you both needed some time to rest and recover. Aunt Aubrey, Uncle Kiley, and Aunt Callie all had a chance to peek in on you resting. 

Later that evening we headed back to visit you again - this time knowing that it was kangaroo care time! Once you and I, Wiley, were all snuggled in, your daddy began talking to Ryan. It was time for the nurse to change his diaper, weigh him, and do a quick check up. Daddy got to be her assistant! Ryan, daddy got to pick you up a couple of times, weigh you, and he even changed your diaper! He was so proud to be holding one of his sons. I loved that both of you were being loved on this time! You two are incredible and continue to just get stronger!!

pure joy

Kangaroos and Glow Worms

As soon as I had cleared all morning testing from surgery, your daddy and I were out the door and headed for our one and only destination - you two! My biggest question for the day, When can I hold my babies? I was afraid to ask because I was sure the answer would be several days from now and that seemed like torture.

So, we got to you and begin touching and talking to you. "You know Mom," the nurse started, "I think Wiley might be able to try kangaroo care today. Would you like to try that?" Would I like to try that?!?! She then looked at you Ryan, "He may even be ready too."

I was ecstatic. I could not wait to hold my babies. We had to go back to the room for more testing and checkups for me, but we would be back after lunch to hold our boys!

After lunch, we giddily headed back to you. Unfortunately, Ryan you weren't quite ready to come out yet - you were still trying to pull out your oxygen. However, you were very observant of your brother. You saw him cuddling with me and your breathing instantly slowed down! They were even able to turn your oxygen levels down. Keep fighting, little guy, we will get to hold you soon too!

Wiley, you wailed and screamed as they took you out of your bed, but once you were snuggled inside my shirt, you were so calm and comfortable. For an hour I held you. It was heaven on earth!

Later when we went back to visit, we were greeted by our adorable little glow worms! Both of you are jaundice, so you'll be under the lights for at least a day or two. 

I just can't get over the fact that you are ours! I could stare at you both all day long. I can't wait until we snuggle, hold, and love on you whenever we'd like. And as strong as you have both shown to be, I hope that time isn't far away!