What a Day

Well Little Peanut, you are a spunky thing already, my sweet. Yesterday was supposed to be a day all about Tse Tse. Zsu Zsu and I had been planning her bridal shower for awhile now and we were so excited to finally be celebrating her and Aaron. The day was beautiful and all went smoothly for the most part. Throughout the day though, I was having a weird, sharp pain, high in my stomach. I was praying it was just growing pains or maybe soreness from overdoing it yesterday (with the last pregnancy being so high risk, I'm trying to be as cautious as possible this time around).

 

Towards the end of the shower, I got a text from Daddy - a picture of a thermometer and the simple message "under Ryan's arm." I knew you were in good hands with him, but hated being away from you knowing you were suddenly sick.  

By the end of the shower though, the pain hadn't lessened and I was becoming more concerned. Zsu Zsu kicked me off the clean-up committee and sent me home immediately. Instead, I went straight to see Paka at his house where he anointed me. I felt confident and faithful that all would be well.

From that walk in confidence from the house to the car, things quickly changed. As I opened the door to my car, I realized I had begun to bleed. I immediately called Daddy, trying to hold on to my composure...until I heard his voice. And just like that, I swirled out of control. Nearly hysterical, I told him I was bleeding and didn't know what to do. From there, I called Zsu Zsu and again, frantically asked what should I do. I just needed everything to stop, everything to be okay, and know that you, Little Peanut, were still safe.

As your daddy and I recounted our day (after our ER visit), I told him, "I don't think I ever lost it like I did today with everything we went through with the boys. There was one day, we both lost it, but even that, wasn't really like this. I think it's because with the boys, I knew we were far enough along that we could fight for them. They could give me mag, they could give me shots, we could do some procedures. We had options and I was going to fight my hardest for them. This time, I knew it was going to be one answer or the other and there was nothing I could do. I was so panicked and felt out of control."

I drove alone to the hospital, as quickly as possible; Zsu Zsu and Tse Tse weren't far behind me, racing to be at my side. I was on the phone nearly the entire drive, but at one point I had a few quiet moments alone. It was during that time that I heard the only song I would hear on my drive: Overcomer. Our anthem during our first pregnancy and the song heard right before our dangerous procedure the first time around. For the first time, I had a tiny sliver of hope that we weren't going to lose you.

Once we arrived, began a horrible case of deja vu. IVs, heart monitors, blood pressure cuff, doctors and nurses in and out. It was a nightmare I was not ready to relive. I was so grateful for Zsu Zsu and Tse Tse's presence and comfort for me. About an hour into our ER visit, the door cracked open and I was ready to see another new face, but was so thankful to see your Daddy peeking around the corner. Uncle Kye, Aaron, and Larry had headed over to our home as soon as they heard and offered to watch you boys, so Daddy could be with me. I was beyond thankful.

As we waited, the mood began shifting in our room. The bleeding had stopped which was such wonderful news in itself. After a quick examination, the doctor seemed hopeful as well, "Everything looks good." We waited for a couple hours before finally being seen by the ultrasound tech, the true moment of truth. We began the long walk / ride down to radiology. As we got situated, I knew we either about to be faced with devastating news or we were about to meet our newest addition to the family.

At this point, I think Daddy and I both feel like we are pros at reading ultrasounds. We don't need you to point out the head, the feet, or even the uterus vs ovaries. We've had a lot of unofficial training. So, when she began rubbing the wand over my belly, large grins immediately spread across our faces. There you were, Little Peanut. There you were. We saw your sweet little body dancing, we saw your wiggling feet, and waving arms. We even saw the perfect (and fast!) flutter of your heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sight and such a relief. And the good news continued - lining looked well and cervix measuring just as it should. What we thought was going to be such a difficult night, shifted so wonderfully drastically. On top of that, we even found out that our math was just a little off. We aren't seven and a half weeks pregnant as we thought, we are nine and a half weeks pregnant! Your due date, sweet baby, is March 7th 2017 - sandwiched right between Tse Tse and Kye.

 

But, apparently today wasn't exciting enough. As we were finally headed home to you boys, we got a phone call from Aaron. Ryan, your temp was now up to 104.1. The highest fever you've ever had. This immediately sent me into momma bear mode, ready to do whatever I needed to help you, wondering if we'd be getting home, simply to turn around and head back to the ER. While in route, you were given another dose of Tylenol and a popsicle.

By the time we got home, it seemed like the fever was already coming down. It was into the tub, to continue to try to bring the fever down. By the time we put you to bed, your fever had broke and prayed it stayed down throughout the night.

8:45 and Daddy and I were finally able to enjoy the delicious meal he had been planning to cook me today (steaks and baked potatoes - one of my biggest cravings!!).

Ryan, we were so thankful, your fever stayed down all night and woke with a temp of only 100.3 - much better! So, here we are today, on Daddy's birthday. Daddy and Wiley are off to Nenny's to celebrate. Ryan, you are upstairs, snoozing away, unable to be around your cousins due to your fever. And I'm able to relax, do a little writing, and enjoy the fact that I know, you are still safely growing Little Peanut. We are so excited to welcome you into this crazy, fun family. But we can wait! Keep growing, keep getting stronger, and we will patiently wait until March to meet you.

9 Weeks

Our Rainbow Baby

It is 2:45 AM, July 26th, and I know I need to capture my thoughts, but I just cannot believe the words I am about to type.

I don't know if this is a "me thing," or if this is common in other women with infertility, but I have really struggled with wanting another baby and truly believing like it was meant to be for our family. I have felt guilty for even having such thoughts because I know my family is more than complete - you two are such miracles and we doubted if we'd ever even be parents. That being said, I often get defensive thinking others would negatively judge us for even wanting more kids. I get defensive because "normal people" can choose to have a baby whenever they want and that is perfectly okay. Yet I feel like I should not want more kids or at least have to explain myself - we got our miracles, why would we be greedy and ask for more?

That being said, we have been greedy! Each night we pray for a new "baby brother or sister." And each night, I have trusted completely that it would happen for us. Daddy and I decided, IVF (or any fertility treatment for that matter) was not going to be a route we took again. It was just too strenuous on our marriage, my mental health, and eventually my physical health with a multiples pregnancy. We decided that if more children were to happen, we would know for sure God wanted this third baby and we would get pregnant naturally.

I loved every second of my first pregnancy, even though it was so traumatic and difficult. I loved the feeling of life growing inside of me. I loved the tiny (...and big!) kicks. I loved my growing belly. I loved every single thing about being pregnant.

And yet, I longed for a "normal pregnancy." I longed to find out we were pregnant without the "whole world" (a bit dramatic I know, but it felt like everyone was watching!) knowing we were waiting to take our test. I longed to be pregnant outside of hospital walls. I longed for a full-term, uncomfortable 40 week pregnancy. I just knew it was going to happen for us.

So each month, slight symptoms would arise that would make me think, "Wait? Is this what I think it is?" And every month it was another false alarm. In January, we experienced a pretty devastating blow, and though I was crushed, it encouraged me that maybe, just maybe a third baby wasn't such a long shot after all.

I had convinced myself that I would be pregnant for Father's Day and was so excited to give your Daddy the best Father's Day gift of all. So, when that didn't happen, I again was discouraged. As we rolled into July, my body began to fall back into old patterns and I knew it wasn't possible to get pregnant at this time.

...and yet, we still prayed for that "baby brother or sister."

This week, I have been beyond sensitive, I have needed a nap every day, and I have been so nauseous, needing to keep something light in my stomach, yet not too heavy or else I'd throw up. I just knew this was it. And yet, I didn't want to get too excited. I had been down this road too many times.

Yesterday, I was able to run a few quick errands alone, so on the way home, I picked up a pregnancy test. I prayed that this would be the one. This would be the test that "Not Pregnant," didn't pop up.

As we put you boys to bed last night, we asked you to pray. Typically your prayer starts by listing all your family members and thanking God for them. Ryan, your prayer was short and sweet, "Dear God. Please baby brother or sister." I grinned inside, echoing the same prayer, knowing I just had to be pregnant.

So, the plan was to take a pregnancy test bright and early, first thing in the morning (as recommended when levels are highest / most accurate reading). However, I woke up at 2 AM, tossing and turning, unable to turn my brain off. I knew if I took that walk to the bathroom, I would have my answer. Yet, I didn't want to because my heart couldn't handle another false alarm. If I laid in bed until 6 AM, I could pretend I was pregnant for another 4 hours.

Finally, I knew no matter what - pregnant or not pregnant - I wasn't falling back asleep anytime soon. So, off to the bathroom I tiptoed, grabbed the test, and headed downstairs so I wouldn't wake your Daddy.

My first pregnancy, the results popped up almost immediately, much quicker than the 2 minute time they say it should take (my twin levels had been that high already!). There are four squares, and as time passes, a new square gets filled in. As I anxiously waited downstairs, the first square began to blink and slowly the second began to blink. Nope, not pregnant. That took too long. Okay, don't cry Court, this will happen one day for you...but please Lord, let me be wrong. Let these symptoms not be made up. Please Lord, let me be pregnant, the self talk and praying began. The third square filled in more quickly, and the fourth square almost immediately after that. I didn't have to look at the words, I knew without a doubt, what that screen was going to read.

And so, here we are boys. Our family is about to become very different. I just cannot believe this is happening. I am typing these words with a shocked expression and yet a smile slipping across my face. All I can really think is, "Oh my gosh! I need to tell everyone!!" But I won't. I will enjoy the chance to keep this secret to myself awhile longer. Then I will enjoy telling your daddy and we can enjoy our secret alone for awhile.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you for entrusting us with another life. Thank you Lord, for this huge miracle and answered prayer. Thank you for giving us another chance to experience pregnancy, birth, and another life to raise. Thank you for giving the boys yet another testimony, as they know their prayers brought another baby into our family. My heart is so full. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

 

 

A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. This week alone, we saw three different rainbows, confirming our miracle!!

The Boys are Back in Town

Praise the Lord and hallelujah!!! You are napping again!!! You are happy again!!! Life is returning to normal!!!

I was so nervous about last week and whether or not you would nap. Zsu Zsu and Paka were out of town for church camp, so I didn't have my own mom to go to for comfort, sanity checks, and just to get a break. I was so thankful for her the week before, for the breaks in our day and the change of scenery she was able to offer me in the midst of your napping strike. And still, even with her huge help, I was exhausted, desperate, and falling apart.

Tuesday afternoon, it was back to just the three of us and I was a little nervous going into naptime (you had napped Saturday for your Daddy and I, but refused again on Sunday and Monday with us both). But...I finally found the magic key to your napping success. Ryan, you follow directions better and don't test the boundaries quite like your brother. If I put you in your bed and told you had to stay, you would stay. Wiley, when I tried that with you, you would grin, stand up, and see just how serious I was (would I let you get away with standing up, sitting on the edge of your bed, standing up on the floor?). So, Ryan, I would tuck you into bed, kiss you, and tell you to stay in bed. Then I climbed into bed with Wiley, where I would have to lay with you until you fell asleep.

I've never been able to lay with you boys in the past - you just wanted to talk, giggle, and play if I stayed in your room. But something has clicked and for now, this is what is working for us. I so love watching your drift off into sleep, and seeing your sweet, innocent sleeping faces as I tiptoe out each afternoon. Oh, I am so very grateful for napping toddlers again! We are all happier and acting like ourselves again. It has been a good week and it feels great to have our routine back. 

Happy 4th of July

It has been a wet and gloomy weekend and yesterday wasn't any better. Typically, we spend the 4th of July at church camp or at Nenny and Papa Donnie's for a cookout. Since we've only been home from vacation for a week now, Nenny didn't have her cookout and we decided to pass on church camp.

So, it was a laid back, rainy 4th, spent relaxing at home. We got slushies, did some "boom!" firework paintings, made some festive snacks (Rice Krispy treats and Jell-o ice cubes), and had a yummy cookout with Tse Tse, pop-its and sparklers. We had planned on letting you stay up for fireworks, but you're back to boycotting naps and were exhausted. Plus, a few fireworks went off on Friday and you were more than terrified Ryan. So, it was off to bed and you slept right through our neighbor's incredibly loud (and long) firework show. (Part of me was hoping you'd wake up, Wiley, because you love the fireworks. No such luck - it had been a long day and you needed your sleep.)

All in all, a wonderful and relaxed holiday spent at home.

 

 

 

  

 

 

Big, Big, Booboo

Well. It was only a matter of time with two crazy, little boys. A trip to the hospital one day was inevitable. It was just two weeks ago that your daddy and I had debated: when, who, and why would we be taking our first trip to the hospital. Looks like we jinxed you with that conversation.

Church was cancelled today due to waxing of the school floors and GMBA campout going on. So, since it was a cloudy, drizzly day, we decided it was a perfect zoo day.

We had ridden the carousel, seen the giraffes and elephants, when we stopped by the zebras. There is a truck in front of the zebras, that if you climb in it, it feels like you're on safari. It's always pretty busy and you've never had a chance to play in it before. Well, since we had the zoo to ourselves practically, we decided to let you "hop" in (horrible pun and foreshadowing of what was to come).

 

After "driving" the truck, you wanted to climb in the back where daddy was sitting. There was a tiny incline in the back and you tried to jump over it, Wiley. Well, it was raining and your shoes, along with the truck, were all wet. You landed on the incline and slipped, falling right on your face. We knew immediately it was bad. Daddy scooped you up, while I asked, "Is it bleeding?" He took one look at you and answered, "Not yet, but he's about to be. Bad."

I quickly scooped you out of his hands and began a quick run to the restaurant which thank goodness was very close by. We ran into the bathroom for wet paper towels as blood began dripping down your face. My stomach turned when I finally looked at it and knew we would soon be off to the hospital. You had a pretty deep gash around your eye. Being that it was on your face, we didn't want to risk any horrible scarring and decided a trip to the ER was necessary. Daddy grabbed a cup of ice from the restaurant and we began a power walk back to the car.

Ryan, you were trying to understand what was going on and why Wiley was getting all the attention for his "big, big booboo," as we called it. You kept saying, "Mommy, me big booboo," and you pointed out any tiny scratch you could find on your body, wanting kisses too.

The children's hospital was only about fifteen / twenty minutes away, but it felt like it took hours to get there (the rain had really picked up at this point, making driving conditions not the safest). Once inside, you and I got hospital bracelets (Ryan, you again wanted to be included. Luckily, Mommy had a bracelet from the zoo that I was able to put on you, so you felt included). We were back into our room in five minutes tops. We had been told by our nurse, while walking us to our room, that the doctor would be in soon. But the doctor met us in the hallway too! We didn't have to wait one minute. Everyone was so wonderful - it was the first of many answered prayers.

While she washed your cut and pushed on your cheek, you didn't make a peep, Wiley. You were completely still and calm for her. She quickly deemed you "the best toddler of the weekend," letting us know it had been a more than challenging weekend for them and she was shocked at how cooperative you were.

We were so relieved to hear that there was no fracture, but it was definitely deep enough to need some attention. We had two choices: stitches or glue (we had prayed glue would be an option!). The cut was straight enough that she wasn't worried about scarring and thought gluing would be the best route for all parties involved. We absolutely agreed and she had you glued up in no time at all (Again, such a trooper and happy to watch the trucks and trains on the iPad. And again, Ryan got to join too.).

From the hospital, it was off to get some ice cream for our brave boy and his best buddy. We are all so thankful that our first trip to the hospital wasn't more serious. We were blown away by your bravery, Wiley. Now, if only we could slow you down a bit, because this Momma is going to be worried all week hoping you don't bump your eye!

 

Big Boy Beds: First Week

What. A. Week.

Shew!

I had been warned when I was pregnant, as well as when you were first born, how challenging life with twins was going to be. "Be prepared to not sleep for at least the next five years. You are going to be forever exhausted." "Twins? Both boys? Oh my, you're going to be busy." And my personal favorite (heavy sarcasm), which was said while you were in the NICU, "Oh just you wait, you'll be begging to send them back to the hospital once they come home."

And then you came home and we entered the newborn stage. Yes, we were tired. Yes, certain things were challenging. But honestly I was mainly just loving life and motherhood. Maybe I was on a high from actually being a mom that the exhaustion didn't bother me. However, we were also blessed with amazing sleepers (we had some rough patches here and there, but for the most part, we've never been able to complain about your sleep habits).

Until this week.

This week was a thousand times more challenging than the newborn stage was for me. I don't know how many times I said, "I just feel defeated. I don't know what else to do." We had prepared (or so we thought). We had child-proofed (or so we thought). We had routines (or so we thought). We were wrong.

I know a change in routine is always difficult for a little one, but the combination of you being twins along with changing to toddler beds the day after returning from vacation made this doubly challenging. I've talked to so many moms of singletons who have said how difficult this transition was for their family. But add your best friend to this nightly sleepover and it's disastrous! Who would ever want to sleep when your buddy is right across the room, ready to play?! Plus, your bodies were still adjusting back from the time change (just one hour, but still enough to effect such scheduled little ones as you two). But you were hopping out of your cribs like crazy on Saturday and Sunday afternoon. We feared if we waited even one more day, an injury would be in store for us.

Let me say, before this turns all negative, that you did awesome with the nighttime routine. Once we put you in bed (excluding the first night when you had to explore your room just a little), you pretty much stayed in bed and slept all night. You were so proud of yourself each morning, and would immediately ask for your sticker. On the 5th morning, you were so excited to get your special treat! You each got a tiny Paw Patrol pup and car.

 

By the third night of big boy sleeping, Ryan you had tiptoed over to Wiley's bed and snuggled up with him. Since that night, you've slept together each night. In the midst of my stress and exhaustion, it was these sweet moments that helped me keep it together.

So as smoothly as bedtime went, that's how disastrously naptime went (which probably is why bedtime went so smoothly - you were flat out exhausted and couldn't fight sleep for one more minute). We would head upstairs and did our daily naptime routine. After prayers and kisses, I would tuck you both in and sneak out. But the second that darn squeaky door closed, you would shoot out of bed and the play time began.

Again, this was very typical pre-toddler beds. You boys would enjoy thirty minutes, sometimes even up to an hour, of talking, reading, and playing in your cribs. Now that you were in beds though, you weren't contained and you were getting into everything. By Wednesday, the hallway and bathroom right outside your door was completely cluttered with things you were finding in your room that you probably shouldn't have been finding. I would come in, remove, and just dump it right outside your room. Again, we thought we had child-proofed, but you both proved us wrong. Furniture had to be turned around and the drawers in your window seat child-proofed (after you completely broke one of them).

After the first hour of chaotic, free-rein of your room, something seemed to snap in both of you. It was really bizarre to witness. My once sweet, loving, snuggling children were now angry, violent, exhausted little boys. I couldn't get into your room fast enough (from right across the hall, watching you on the monitor) before you had either bit, hit, or kicked each other. Hard too! Bruises and blood were drawn. Once in the room, the biting, hitting, and kicking was redirected at me. I was just at a loss. You both seemed so exhausted, sleep cues going, but you just wouldn't give in to it.

Four days of fighting naps simply had me worn out. I had tried positive reinforcement for your behavior. I had tried negative consequences. I had tried a loving tone, I had tried a more strict tone. Nothing was working. What I really needed was to be able to clone my body and lay with each of you. Many of our failed napping attempts simply ended with all three of us in tears. I just felt helpless.

Friday afternoon I braced myself. I told myself not to go into naptime with a negative attitude. We were going to do this. I got myself a coffee for that extra push I needed (peppermint mocha because it reminds me of Christmas and makes me happy - I'm absurd!). I was ready to do this.

 

As I tucked you into bed, we said an extra special prayer that God would all give us this much needed nap. I left two sleepy boys, just sure that you would take a nap. An hour into what had seemed promising, and you broke the drawer Wiley. It was so broken that I couldn't even get it to slide back in. So, naptime was over by default. I couldn't leave you in the room with a drawer missing - surely you would've climbed right into the hole. We needed Daddy to fix it in his shop. It was back down the stairs.

I just couldn't do it anymore. So, we took a drive around town until you fell asleep (two minutes and you were out Ryan: it took 15 minutes for you Wiley). I parked at our high school and enjoyed an hour of reading in the car. It was just what we all needed - some breathing room for Momma and some rest for two sleepy, Grumpy Guses.

It is currently Saturday afternoon, and I am excited to report that I am typing this post...WHILE YOU ARE NAPPING!!!! Daddy and I took the "divide and conquer" route today (against your protests) and separated you both into your own beds, laying with each of you until your eyes were simply glazed with exhaustion. We then tiptoed out and closely watched the monitor. The second your head popped up, Daddy would sprint into the room and tell you to, "Lay down." After just two or three times, the movement stopped and you were asleep! I could have easily cried happy tears today. Laundry actually got accomplished. The hallway and bathroom reorganized. The downstairs picked up. A real dinner cooked. I felt like a functioning human being again. It was a beautiful thing. Your first nap in over two weeks.

I hope that with Daddy home for this three day, holiday weekend, it can really helps us to reestablish our naptime routine. If we can get you back to routinely napping, I hope that will make my solo attempt at naptime on Tuesday just a little smoother. Please Lord, for all of our sanity!

Addition since waking up:
You were so proud to put up your first ever naptime stickers and we were too! Way to go boys! It has been such a pleasant evening tonight due to your nap. You are your happy, lovey dovey, giggly little boys and I couldn't be happier! Thank you, Lord!