What It Means to Be Loved

Tonight was the first time since campout that I felt sadness come over me, but I was able to shake it and made sure it didn't last too long. We were out to eat with Keal's family and Callie began sharing ideas for baby names. It didn't last long, it didn't dominate the conversation. It was just a quick comment. Then, after that, the smell of someone's fish dinner made her get sick and nauseous. And I know how crazy this sounds, but I was actually envious of her nausea! Okay, not of her nausea (because I absolutely hate being nauseous!), but of the fact that the smell was making her sick because she is pregnant. For that moment, I wanted to be the pregnant woman with the awful side-effects.

I leaned over and whispered to Keal, "Tell me something positive, please." And I don't know if he knew why (probably not), and he probably thought nothing of it, but he just leaned down and kissed my head. He held the kiss for just one extra moment though that made me think he knew why I need it, and whispered, "You're healthy."

After dinner Keal and I drove home in separate cars (we had met for dinner after work). I rolled down the windows and blasted my radio, praying for a song to snap me outta my funk. And while this song doesn't apply exactly to me and to you, the chorus surely hit the spot and snapped me outta it!

And she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

As I was belting this song out, I couldn't help but smile, I felt like I was singing to you. I wanna give you the world. I wanna hold your hand. I wanna be your mom for as long as I can. And I want live every moment until that day comes. I wanna show you what it means to be loved. So, yes, today I felt a little jealousy and a little sadness. But, I'm thankful for this song and thankful that I could shake the feeling fairly quickly. I know one day you will be mine and when that day comes I will show you what it means to be loved. But until then, I'm gonna live every moment!

True Love

Today Keal and I spent all afternoon and evening working together - it was wonderful! We have started a new project in our backyard - we are adding a covered roof to our back porch, extending the porch, and adding a fire pit. Today, we climbed up on the roof and hammered in a few extra nails. Once the roof was complete, we nailed a tarp down too! Slowly but surely it is coming together! It'll be a long project, but we are excited to enjoy it once it's finished. You will soon learn that we just love to spend spring, summer, and fall evenings (okay, nearly all year round!) out on the porch grilling and eating dinner. I am excited for you to join us in these meals....especially since we will have a shaded area for you to be happy under!

making progress!

I called this post true love because the major part of our evening was spent in the garage. Keal built six bookshelves for me and my classroom. I have been hinting at this for quite some time now, but I was still amazed that he would give up his entire evening to build shelves for my classroom! It was fun working side by side with him in the garage and neat to see the shelves come together (he is such a perfectionist, which means the shelves turned out beautifully!). They will look great in my classroom....another place I can't wait to bring you! I adore teaching and I look forward to all I have to teach you in this life. I look forward to bringing you up to the school in the summer and setting up my classroom with you.

hard at work!

a wonderful evening together!

There is so much waiting for you in this world and I can't wait to share it with you. But until then, I will continue rejoicing in our journey to you and continue enjoying all we experience along the way to you!

Sweet Dreams

Last night I dreamt that you were going to be in our lives very shortly. It was a quick, simple dream. I had taken a test (one only found in dreams!) that told me I would become pregnant with you that week. And that was all.

I don't think this was any major spiritual dream or any prophecy, but I am thankful for it! I do know you are soon going to be in our lives and not just apart of my dreams. I look forward to the day when I do take a test that tells me you will be joining our family! But until that day, I will continue praying for you and I will continue to be faithful that God is going to work this miracle. I will continue living my glorious, joyful life!

Washed by the Water

As you may have noticed, I really feel God talking to me through music. Whenever I need to feel God, He always shows himself to me through the most perfect songs. A favorite song of mine is Washed by the Water. It is a somewhat old song and rarely comes on the radio anymore. While driving today, I had the radio on for 10 minutes -- tops. And yet, I heard this song three times! I'd say God was talking to me today! Here are a few lyrics from the song:

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even when the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love
Turn around and crucify me
I won’t ever ever let you down
I won’t fall
I won’t fall
I won’t fall as long as you’re around me

How perfect these lyrics are for me and our journey to you -- no matter what is happening in my life around me, I must remember that I am washed by the water! No matter what struggles, what doubts, whatever, I have Christ in my life. I'm so thankful for the joy I have in my life! So thankful for the joy I have in this journey to you. I'm so thankful that I have maintained this faith and positive outlook on this journey to you for nearly a month now (this is a huge feat - it used to be such a daily up-and-down battle!). And I'm so thankful that even when the storms comes, I am washed by the water! It's another joy-filled day!

Feel Like I've Been Losin'

The title of this post is a little deceptive because it sounds negative, but really life is so great right now! There's a new song on the radio right now that I absolutely love: Feels Like I've Been Losin'. It is a song all about forgiveness and letting go of hurt. And while nothing has happened specifically this week, I feel like it speaks to some hurt I have felt from others throughout this journey to you.

Here are a few of the lyrics:

I feel such a healing listening to this song because it is so true to my own situation. "It's wearing out my heart the way they disregard...They don't know what they've been doin'."  I can't let the things people have done (or haven't done) get me down because, most likely, they don't even know what they're doing. And what's worse is that it wears on my heart - not their's. When I dwell and focus on all the negative and hurt, it just brings me down. And, as I learned on Sunday, the purpose of my life is to be joy-filled and to share that joy with others. I can't hold on to the hurts if I am to be a joyful soul for Christ. How powerful to be able to say, "Father give me grace to forgive them, cause I feel like the one losin." It's time to let go of offenses, to forgive, and to move on. Life is too short to get caught up in the small things. So, as I sing this song today, I let go of past hurt and pain, I ask God to forgive those who have hurt me, and I continue on this journey to you in joy and faith believing all things!

Joy!

Joy: The emotion evoked by well-being, success, good fortune; or by the prospect of possessing what one desires. The emotion of great delight caused by something exceptionally satisfying, creating keen pleasure or elation. The state of complete happiness or bliss.

Today in church, after being given this definition of joy, we studied several pieces of scripture that focused on joy. There were several incredible pieces of scripture as to why we should have joy. Thinking about our journey to you, I found two verses that really spoke to me and our situation.

II Nephi 2:24-26
"All things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things. Adam fell that men might be; and men are that they might have joy. And the messiah comes in the fullness of time, that He may redeem the children from the fall. And because they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever."

This has always been a life verse of my dad's, so when I saw that this was the first verse today, I didn't think much of it. "Men are that they might have joy." I know this. But then, the very first sentence was pointed out and we were told not to take it lightly. "All things have been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things." I knew this verse was highlighted in my Book of Mormon, but I decided to open it up just in case. Sure enough, verse 22, 23, and 25 were highlighted. But verse 24, the part that I found so powerful, had been left un-highlighted. How many times had I heard this verse? How many times had I scanned over this piece of "men are that they might have joy?" I found this verse so encouraging. No matter what, there is a reason for everything. And not only is there a reason, but it is done with purpose because God knows everything! There are no incidences in our life that get overlooked by God -- no matter how small. All things have been done in wisdom! And why have these things been done? So that men might have joy!! Are there situations in our life that trouble us or bring us discouragement? Sure. But God has a reason for these things. And in all things we are to have joy. We are to have joy because we have the Holy Ghost within us and because we live to serve a greater purpose than ourselves!

The second verse that really struck me was one of the last verses of the day.

John 16:23-24
"Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, He will give it to you. Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full."

This was such a wonderful reminder to me to hold onto the faith I have in the Lord. If we ask, it will be given to us. I know, without a doubt of worry, that one day God will give us you. And I know that we will receive you as a gift so that our joy may be full!

Not only was today's message a beautiful confirmation to one day meeting you, but it was a wonderful confirmation that we need to live daily in joy. There are things and moments in our lives that may rob us of our joy, but joy is something that we maintain. It is unlike happiness and sadness -- emotions that come and go. Joy is a state of being.

John 15:11
"These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full."

We have the Holy Ghost leading us day by day....moment by moment. We have Christ's joy within us! What a wonderful privilege He has given me to be a  messenger for Him. Contact I make with people on a daily basis may be the only opportunity they have to know of Christ's joy. I must make sure that I am evidence of that joy. I can't let daily struggles and burdens in my daily life get in the way of that full joy I have because of Christ.

Today I am so thankful for that full joy I have in Christ. I am thankful for an incredible blessed and beautiful life. And I am thankful for this journey to you. I am thankful for the promise from God to give us you so that our joy will be full!

Pure Joy!

Our God is Greater

Well, today was the day I had been dreading since May when I first heard I had to get this test done. Today was the day I had feared and worried about even more intensely since last Monday when I made the appointment. And today was the day when so many prayers were answered! Today was the day that we got one step closer to you!

I had made the mistake of reading, researching, and watching video clips of this procedure I was going to have done. I had heard: "worse than giving birth to twins without an epidural," or "I wouldn't wish this test on my worst enemy...definitely a 10 on the pain scale." So, I, of course, was petrified!

Well, I knew I had several things in my favor. I had God on my side and I had several people praying for me. When I was called back to waiting room #2, I was told Keal and my mom couldn't come back. At first, I was really upset about this, but I think it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Being on my own, I was forced to stay strong. I couldn't crumble and panic. I could do this.

When I got back to the room, I did have a moment of, "Okay, I change my mind. I'm leaving and not doing this." But the nurse and doctor were just remarkable. They were both so kind to me and were sure to explain everything that they were doing.

Now, I would be lying if I said it was a walk in the park. But...it really wasn't that bad at all! For most of the procedure, I was all smiles and chatting away with both the nurse and doctor. There were moments of pain, yes, but it really was nothing to be so worried and stressed about. (Isn't that always the case though when you have God with you! It always turns out fine.)

I had also read that this test is just as bad psychologically as it is physically. And, thank God, I found that to be oh so false too. I can see where people would feel that way. This is the first truly invasive, painful procedure in many fertility treatments and procedures.  It is the first true procedure that reminds you, I can't have a baby on my own and we have a long road ahead of us. However, I had none of that today! Instead, I left the hospital almost skipping with joy! This procedure was the next needed step to get to you. And so, I will willingly take those steps knowing that at the end of this journey is one of the greatest joys I will ever know.  It is you. And I am so thankful that I can make such a powerful statement because I know it is only because of my faith in God that I can say it so confidently.

And, that's not the best part! Aside from the test not being that bad at all, the results came back fine! No surgery will be needed and we are getting even closer to you. So, until that day, we will continue praying and patiently waiting until God is ready to give you to us! And we are so very excited for that wonderful day!

When Keal and I got into the car on the drive home, Our God is Greater, was playing on the radio. And aint that the truth! I truly believe that had I gone into this test alone, without my God, this day would have been much different. Whether more painful, whether more depressing, whether negative results, or a combination of all three I don't know. And frankly, I don't care. But all I know is that this day was just perfect all because my God is greater!!