Foolish or faithful?

Each month, I can't help but get a little hopeful that maybe this will be the miracle month...even when we aren't actively doing treatments. In fact, on these off-months, I think I am even more hopeful / faithful that God will give us this miracle. And each month I wonder, am I being faithful or just foolish for getting my hopes up? Well, this month was no different...

Today, I officially met Logan. I had been in the same room as him a week ago, but he was in a car seat and I never truly saw him. Today I saw him. I looked at him. And I held him. Yes, there was pain. But it was also nice to hold a baby. It was such a conflicting moment - I was loving having a baby in my arms...and then I reminded myself he wasn't my own, and that's when it hurt. But through the pain, I reminded myself, this could be our month. Tomorrow I would take a pregnancy test because it seemed like maybe, just maybe, God was working this miracle.

I left their house feeling an emptiness, but not the sadness I thought I would. I was able to shed a few, selfish tears and then flipped on the radio to find song after song was from my Let Faith Arise playlist. I felt God with me and was so comforted by that.

I got home tonight to find out that this will not be our miracle month. I was instantly overcome with such an anger. Why tonight? Why on the night I brave holding my nephew do I find, yet again, we still aren't pregnant? At first, I wanted to curse God, but I quickly realized, this is not God. This was totally the devil, attacking the personal success I had had tonight; attacking the fears I had overcome tonight.

Yes, I am hurting tonight. I am wondering why and wondering when it'll be our time. But through it all, I will continue to trust God's plan - through the joys and through the pain, I will continue to trust Him. I found this picture online today - how perfect to remember this for today, for this journey, and for our lives!