Happy New Year

Last night, I lay in bed reflecting on 2012. I turned to Keal and said, "Wow, 2012 was rough." He agreed that this was probably one of our most difficult years as a couple, but we did celebrate some of the good things that happened. Some of the things Keal mentioned:

1. We did not lose any close family members this year. A few years past, we lost 3 grandparents all within six months. Instead, we have been blessed to see our families growing! We have welcomed in new spouses and children into our growing family.
2. We had a wonderful (and productive) summer: vacationing, campout, gardening, and building a patio.

Some other things in 2012 to celebrate:

1. Have gotten much closer to God and increased my faith greater than I ever thought imaginable
2. I completed my 4th (and maybe favorite) year of teaching, said goodbye to some really awesome kids and was rewarded with another spectacular 5th year class!
3. Had a weekend getaway with Keal to Gatlinburg
4. Became closer as a couple

And even if this year has been more difficult, we have definitely learned a lot through our challenges this year. Things I have learned through our pain:

1. Patience. Patience. Patience. I am still working on this one. I know that through this journey, we are being taught to trust God's plan and to be patient with His time. I have definitely learned patience this year. Even the fact that we have decided to take three months off of the treatments is teaching me patience. This is something I know I have not mastered because there are still days where I wonder, "Why God? Why not now? Why them and not us?" But I know these questions are okay. I am sure 2013 will continue to teach me patience too.
2. You can't control everything! Again - still a work in progress! I have let go of a lot in my life this year though. I no longer try to plan treatments around a possible due date - it'll happen when it happens. I no longer have a need to have every minute of each day planned out. I have even learned to let go of my need for planning in my classroom. If something comes up in my room that is more important than what the plan book says, than I make the most of those teachable moments and focus on them!
3. I am stronger than I ever thought -- physically and mentally. Every time I think I'm faced with something I can't do, I do it! We have champed the needles (whether from a doctor or myself - I have definitely overcome this fear!). When faced with family get-togethers that just don't seem like I will get through, I have. I survived a weekend trip with pregnant sister-in-laws, Christmas gatherings centered on babies and kids' toys, and other family gatherings that seemed too difficult.
4. I have married the perfect man for me. This year has not only been tough on us as we try to become parents, but it has been so difficult for us as a couple. I found an article the other day, "Infertility Etiquette," that had such an important opening two paragraphs:

   Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
   The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

   Through this past year, I have definitely been grieving this journey. Grief is a funny thing and can often put a strain on any relationship -- especially when couples tend to grieve differently. Keal and I absolutely grieve differently, and so when he doesn't always react the way I do, it strains a relationship; there is a disconnect between the two of you. So in spite of all that, to still be so happy and in love with Keal and our marriage, I know, without a doubt, that God put this man in my life to carry me through this journey.

And with the end of anything, comes the start of something new. So, for 2013 here are my hopes:

1. That I will continue to hold on to my faith and trust God's plan
2. That I will continue to deal with the happiness and pain this journey will bring
3. That I will bravely face some very near challenges with the birth of my two nephews
4. That my marriage will continue to develop and grow stronger
5. That I will continue to pray for God's guidance in all of the decision making this journey brings
6. That God will bless our family of two with a peace and happiness until we become our most desired family of three

My wish for me...and for you....

 I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.