...But I Won't Let You Break

Well, today was our first follow up appointment to see if the femara had done its job. But, on top of that, today I would be learning to give myself injections. Petrified does not even begin to describe how I was feeling!

I thought that the HSG test had prepared me to take on the world. If I had bravely endured that pain, then surely I could handle a tiny needle. But...someone else had inflicted that pain. How would I ever get the courage to do this to myself?! The anxiety was killing me! I just wanted 10:30 to get here already so that I could get this over with!

As I was driving to work the song, He Said, came on. I've always loved this song, but today while driving and singing my heart out, tears just started streaming down my face.

"You may be knocked down, but don't you forget what He said. He said, I won't give you more than you can take. And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break. And no, I'll never let you go."

Wow. How perfect! Of course I could handle this appointment! Of course I will be able to give myself shots! God would not have given me this journey to you if He knew I couldn't handle it. And even if it gets bumpy along the way, no, He will never let me go! He will bring me peace and comfort through this difficult journey.

And so, I headed into the appointment completely full of faith (and yes, still completely full of nerves!). They took me back and drew some blood and did yet another ultrasound. All good news! The femara seems to be working and things are progressing perfectly...so perfectly that the doctor even cut down on the strength of the dosage (she doesn't want this journey to you to turn into a journey to all of you!!).

Afterwards, the nurse took Keal and I next door for injection training. She was wonderfully patient with us and we felt ready to go...until she told us, "If you haven't done this at home before, we always make you do an injection here first before we send you off." Well, I panicked and stressed. I picked up the needle to place to my stomach. And put it down. And picked it up. And put it down. Ahhh! How was I going to jab a needle into my own stomach?! Finally, I just did it! Needle in - no biggie! Pressed the button and released the medicine - no biggie! Held the needle in my stomach for five seconds - no biggie! Pulled it straight out - no biggie! Finally felt a sting of the medicine, but that was it!! All that worrying for nothing!

So, for the next five days, I will continue giving myself shots every morning. Then, on Tuesday morning, we head back for another progress check. Who knows....you could be on your way in the next week! And if not, well then, sometime soon I know with all my heart you will be on your way! And until then I know that God won't let me break. I may get knocked down again and I may bend, but He isn't going anywhere and will continue to pick me up until the day I hold you and for the rest of my life!

When It Rains...It Pours

What a night. Today is day three on femara and so far very few side effects (minus some crazy hot flashes, dizziness, and headaches but I can handle a little sweat and aches). I am trying to fight the emotional meltdowns, the worries, and the pity parties. However, tonight I have started to crack just a bit.

I rushed home, after my wonderful day by the pool with my mom, to do a few things around the house to surprise Keal. One of the things on the list -- seriously clean the house. I packed up the tent we had slept in last night, vacuumed, mopped, the works! (I was super proud of myself for packing up the tent all by myself.) The house looked great! After dinner, Keal asked, "Hey, when you folded up the tent, where did you put my glasses?" I stared at him, "I didn't....I didn't get them out of the tent." So, we unpacked my impressive tent clean up, unfolded it, and found his glasses inside the tent....totally bent and broken. Cue meltdown number one. I felt so bad. All I had wanted to do was surprise Keal with a clean house....and I ended up breaking his glasses.

Well, meltdown number two came when Keal and I more closely examined what the trigger shot entails. We thought the doctor would be giving this mega-shot. Turns out, we're supposed to do it at home (however, I plan on begging them to do it for me!). First, you have to mix a powder in the syringe, pour it out, mix it with another solution, swirl it around, put it back into the syringe, and then switch needles. Sheesh. That alone sounds terrifying! But, then Keal has to inject me in my lower back with this massive needle! He has to test to make sure that there is no blood in syringe. If so, he has to switch out needles and start over! After watching the video, I was literally in tears and Keal looked like he was going to vomit. "Honey, I don't think I can do that to you." I don't think we had any idea what we had signed up for, but now there's no turning back. And if it means a not-so-pleasant shot in order to get to you, well, then I will do it!

And finally, the icing on the cake....the salt in the wound. All week long I have been telling Keal that I think my sister-in-law is pregnant. And I told him, that'd be fine. I am in a good place and wouldn't be upset. I guess I didn't clarify....except if you tell me tonight! Sure enough, as we were going to bed I found out she was pregnant too. Well, cue gigantic meltdown number three - the anger, the sobbing, the softly crying - I did it all last night.

All night long, through each of these incidences, I couldn't help but first think, "Why me," or "geeze, when it rains it pours." But then I thought back to an early post I had made when we flew to Florida. When in the air, in order to get to the sunlight, we had to get past the storm and the clouds. Maybe this is our storm? Maybe for the next two weeks Satan will be targeting us with trials because he knows that God is about to work a miracle in our life. Maybe in just a few short weeks you will be on the way. So, I will continue to try and fight these trials because I know you, our sunshine, is just on the other side of these storms!

No Turning Back...

Well, there's no going back now. Today is my last day of summer vacation...I have every intention of spending it reading outside by the pool and relaxing! But, before I could do that, I had to wait for a very important delivery. I had to be home to sign for it because it immediately needed refrigerating. I was so happy when it was delivered an hour earlier than planned (because that meant more time by the pool for me!).

As I opened the package though, I felt immediate anxiety. Partly because I'm a chicken and have never been very brave when it comes to doctors and needles (this experience has taught me that too! I no longer cringe when I have to have blood drawn). How crazy though that in just two days I'll be giving myself shots at home. I'm also anxious because I know these next few weeks are going to be one emotional roller coaster! The shots and pills I'm taking alone are going to make me emotional. But the thought of possible getting (or not getting) you soon makes me super emotional too. I just wish we had the answers already. The waiting game makes me crazy! But at least we are on the right track. We are moving forward. We are being proactive. And someday soon, God is going to give us you!

 

So, off I go to the pool. I can't dwell on what is going to start happening in the next few days (I'll make myself sick with worry!). I can't dwell on whether or not we will soon get you. All I can do is continue to pray and have faith that God has a plan for us. I have to live in the present, look for the glorious moments in my life, and be grateful for what I have been given today!

Happy Birthday

Well, yesterday was day two of taking some medications. I am trying my hardest not to give in to the crazy mood swings that can come with these medications. So far so good!

More importantly though, yesterday was Keal's birthday. This birthday marked the tenth birthday we have spent together! How can that be?! As we celebrated, part of me realized that this could be his last birthday as a family of two. So, we spent the day celebrating together - I loved it! (And since it was his birthday, I'm hoping he loved it too!)

The day started when Keal took off work early to go to the movies, followed by an early dinner. Afterwards, we swung by a local pie shop - Keal doesn't like cake as much as he does pie. So, he got a delicious birthday pie! When we got home, we spent a couple hours sitting under our new porch roof playing cards and then my family coming over for some pie! I loved celebrating Keal and getting to spend the day with him.

One of his birthday presents was a tent....so last night we decided to test it out before truly going camping! We are such kids at heart! We set the tent up in our living room and slept downstairs.

camping in the living room!

Today was another day in our treatment and another day closer to you. If this was our last birthday as a family of two, we will rejoice and be happy to share the next birthday with you. And if not, we know God has a plan for us and we will trust that plan.

Is Anything Bigger Than God?

Well, this week begins another step closer to you. I have anxiously / excitedly spent my weekend waiting for Monday morning when we will go to the doctor to begin some treatments. Part of me is very excited to start these medicines. Part of me is very hopeful in knowing that you will soon be apart of my life. Part of me is anxious to see how my body will react to these medicines. Part of me is worried to have to give myself shots this week (who would've thought I'd be able to handle this!). And part of me is so anxious / excited to think that this could be the month we find out you are on your way. And while this is what we've been praying for, it too makes me so nervous! How crazy that in nine months we could be parents!! 

Today, the message in church was, yet again, perfect for me and our journey to you. Today's message was: Is anything bigger than God? We started by reading Mark 10:23-27.

Then Jesus looked around and said to His disciples, “How hard it is for those who have riches to enter the kingdom of God!” And the disciples were astonished at His words. But Jesus answered again and said to them, “Children, how hard it is for those who trust in richesto enter the kingdom of God. It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”And they were greatly astonished, saying among themselves, “Who then can be saved?” But Jesus looked at them and said, “With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible.”

In this passage, it says how difficult it is to get into heaven with riches, but that with God anything is possible. We were told, not to think of it strictly as impossible with riches, but it is impossible only when we put something in the way of God. We need to trust His plan and have faith that nothing is too great for God to handle. 

We then read from Genesis 18:1-14 when God told Sarah she was going to have a child at the age of ninety-one. This seemed impossible to Sarah and like any of us would do, she laughed. How could she have a child at ninety-one? And God responded to her, Is anything too hard for the Lord? How true this is! God knows all things and he has seen all things. There is nothing we can bring to God that will catch Him off guard; we can't surprise God with our problems / situations. Nothing is bigger than God! We don't have to understand how He's going to take care of it; we just need to turn it over to Him, trust Him, and know that He can do anything!

I know that as we continue on to you this definitely is not something that is too big for God. I know with complete confidence that God is going to give us you. I am thankful for how He has put things in place for this coming week so that I can go to all of these doctor appointments without concern for school (the first day of school is in ten days).

Tomorrow is the first doctor's appointment. I will then start some medication and on Thursday begins the shots. I have meetings all day Thursday and Friday. These tend to be somewhat stressful with school being so close - you always feel like you have so much to do in so little time. So I pray that God will help me deal with the emotional swings that can accompany these drugs. Then on the following Monday, I will tentatively have another doctor's appointment. Monday, we were scheduled to be in meetings from 7-4 (could not miss) and then Open House from 5-7. Last week, before I knew of any of these appointments, my principal cancelled our 7-4 meeting! So, God's hand was already moving before I even knew! Last week, I was just grateful for the day off. Today, I realize it is so much more than a day off - it was God working to make all of these appointments possible! Is anything bigger than God? Absolutely not!!

So, I thank God for today's message. I thank God that there is nothing bigger than Him. I thank Him for the things He is putting into place to make these next two week possible, even with the start of the school year. And I thank God for my wonderful life!

What It Means to Be Loved

Tonight was the first time since campout that I felt sadness come over me, but I was able to shake it and made sure it didn't last too long. We were out to eat with Keal's family and Callie began sharing ideas for baby names. It didn't last long, it didn't dominate the conversation. It was just a quick comment. Then, after that, the smell of someone's fish dinner made her get sick and nauseous. And I know how crazy this sounds, but I was actually envious of her nausea! Okay, not of her nausea (because I absolutely hate being nauseous!), but of the fact that the smell was making her sick because she is pregnant. For that moment, I wanted to be the pregnant woman with the awful side-effects.

I leaned over and whispered to Keal, "Tell me something positive, please." And I don't know if he knew why (probably not), and he probably thought nothing of it, but he just leaned down and kissed my head. He held the kiss for just one extra moment though that made me think he knew why I need it, and whispered, "You're healthy."

After dinner Keal and I drove home in separate cars (we had met for dinner after work). I rolled down the windows and blasted my radio, praying for a song to snap me outta my funk. And while this song doesn't apply exactly to me and to you, the chorus surely hit the spot and snapped me outta it!

And she said...

I wanna give her the world
I wanna hold her hand
I wanna be her mom for as long as I can
And I wanna live every moment until that day comes
I wanna show her what it means to be loved

As I was belting this song out, I couldn't help but smile, I felt like I was singing to you. I wanna give you the world. I wanna hold your hand. I wanna be your mom for as long as I can. And I want live every moment until that day comes. I wanna show you what it means to be loved. So, yes, today I felt a little jealousy and a little sadness. But, I'm thankful for this song and thankful that I could shake the feeling fairly quickly. I know one day you will be mine and when that day comes I will show you what it means to be loved. But until then, I'm gonna live every moment!

True Love

Today Keal and I spent all afternoon and evening working together - it was wonderful! We have started a new project in our backyard - we are adding a covered roof to our back porch, extending the porch, and adding a fire pit. Today, we climbed up on the roof and hammered in a few extra nails. Once the roof was complete, we nailed a tarp down too! Slowly but surely it is coming together! It'll be a long project, but we are excited to enjoy it once it's finished. You will soon learn that we just love to spend spring, summer, and fall evenings (okay, nearly all year round!) out on the porch grilling and eating dinner. I am excited for you to join us in these meals....especially since we will have a shaded area for you to be happy under!

making progress!

I called this post true love because the major part of our evening was spent in the garage. Keal built six bookshelves for me and my classroom. I have been hinting at this for quite some time now, but I was still amazed that he would give up his entire evening to build shelves for my classroom! It was fun working side by side with him in the garage and neat to see the shelves come together (he is such a perfectionist, which means the shelves turned out beautifully!). They will look great in my classroom....another place I can't wait to bring you! I adore teaching and I look forward to all I have to teach you in this life. I look forward to bringing you up to the school in the summer and setting up my classroom with you.

hard at work!

a wonderful evening together!

There is so much waiting for you in this world and I can't wait to share it with you. But until then, I will continue rejoicing in our journey to you and continue enjoying all we experience along the way to you!