Morning Routine

Well, today was day one of my new morning routine....that no longer includes taking an extra pill, but is now giving myself an injection. From about 5:30 until 7:15 this morning, I tossed and turned. I drifted in and out of sleep dreaming of my follistim pen and this injection.

Finally, I got up and decided to put the worry behind me and get this injection over with. I have to say, today was ten thousand times easier than yesterday! There was no panicking or worrying, no starting to do it and then stopping. I got my needle ready and in one quick motion, it was over! Who knew giving yourself a shot could be so easy and painless?! All this worry for nothing. Knowing that this is all to meet you, makes this process even somewhat exciting. Each injection is one day closer to you!

Here's what the process is like:

Step One
Get all the materials out: the entire pen, new needle, and alcohol wipe (oh yeah, and my great red "sharps container" was sitting near by too to dispose of the needle at the end)

Step Two
Wipe off the tip of the yellow pen with alcohol wipe, open the needle, squeeze and twist it on, and remove large plastic top (there is now a smaller top still protecting you from the needle)

Step Three
Twist the knob to 75. This is my dosage and determines how much I have to press down to release medicine once needle is in my skin (notice how the yellow top is a little higher than it was in the first two pictures -- that's what I'll press down back to the base)

Step Four
Pop off the smallest plastic cap, revealing your needle....almost ready!

Step Five
Pinch an inch! (how lovely) and clean the area with another alcohol wipe

Step Six
Go for it! Stick needle in at 90 degrees and push the top down slowly (with your thumb) to release the dosage. Once it's in, count to five and pull the needle out.

Step Seven (I couldn't work the camera for all these pics while trying not to poke myself with the needle!)
Put the larger plastic cap back on the needle, squeeze and twist off, and dispose of in the red sharps container box. Wipe your stomach back off with the alcohol wipe (especially if you bleed a little). Pop the lid back on your pen, store it in your case, and you're good to go!


I really can't believe how easy this is! Two days down, possibly three to go! One step closer to you!

Something Beautiful

On the drive home today, another perfect song came on for me! Something Beautiful.

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

You, my darling, are my something beautiful. I am thankful for this journey to you because it has brought me so much closer to God. So, until then, I am down on my knees waiting for something beautiful; waiting for you.

...But I Won't Let You Break

Well, today was our first follow up appointment to see if the femara had done its job. But, on top of that, today I would be learning to give myself injections. Petrified does not even begin to describe how I was feeling!

I thought that the HSG test had prepared me to take on the world. If I had bravely endured that pain, then surely I could handle a tiny needle. But...someone else had inflicted that pain. How would I ever get the courage to do this to myself?! The anxiety was killing me! I just wanted 10:30 to get here already so that I could get this over with!

As I was driving to work the song, He Said, came on. I've always loved this song, but today while driving and singing my heart out, tears just started streaming down my face.

"You may be knocked down, but don't you forget what He said. He said, I won't give you more than you can take. And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break. And no, I'll never let you go."

Wow. How perfect! Of course I could handle this appointment! Of course I will be able to give myself shots! God would not have given me this journey to you if He knew I couldn't handle it. And even if it gets bumpy along the way, no, He will never let me go! He will bring me peace and comfort through this difficult journey.

And so, I headed into the appointment completely full of faith (and yes, still completely full of nerves!). They took me back and drew some blood and did yet another ultrasound. All good news! The femara seems to be working and things are progressing perfectly...so perfectly that the doctor even cut down on the strength of the dosage (she doesn't want this journey to you to turn into a journey to all of you!!).

Afterwards, the nurse took Keal and I next door for injection training. She was wonderfully patient with us and we felt ready to go...until she told us, "If you haven't done this at home before, we always make you do an injection here first before we send you off." Well, I panicked and stressed. I picked up the needle to place to my stomach. And put it down. And picked it up. And put it down. Ahhh! How was I going to jab a needle into my own stomach?! Finally, I just did it! Needle in - no biggie! Pressed the button and released the medicine - no biggie! Held the needle in my stomach for five seconds - no biggie! Pulled it straight out - no biggie! Finally felt a sting of the medicine, but that was it!! All that worrying for nothing!

So, for the next five days, I will continue giving myself shots every morning. Then, on Tuesday morning, we head back for another progress check. Who knows....you could be on your way in the next week! And if not, well then, sometime soon I know with all my heart you will be on your way! And until then I know that God won't let me break. I may get knocked down again and I may bend, but He isn't going anywhere and will continue to pick me up until the day I hold you and for the rest of my life!

When It Rains...It Pours

What a night. Today is day three on femara and so far very few side effects (minus some crazy hot flashes, dizziness, and headaches but I can handle a little sweat and aches). I am trying to fight the emotional meltdowns, the worries, and the pity parties. However, tonight I have started to crack just a bit.

I rushed home, after my wonderful day by the pool with my mom, to do a few things around the house to surprise Keal. One of the things on the list -- seriously clean the house. I packed up the tent we had slept in last night, vacuumed, mopped, the works! (I was super proud of myself for packing up the tent all by myself.) The house looked great! After dinner, Keal asked, "Hey, when you folded up the tent, where did you put my glasses?" I stared at him, "I didn't....I didn't get them out of the tent." So, we unpacked my impressive tent clean up, unfolded it, and found his glasses inside the tent....totally bent and broken. Cue meltdown number one. I felt so bad. All I had wanted to do was surprise Keal with a clean house....and I ended up breaking his glasses.

Well, meltdown number two came when Keal and I more closely examined what the trigger shot entails. We thought the doctor would be giving this mega-shot. Turns out, we're supposed to do it at home (however, I plan on begging them to do it for me!). First, you have to mix a powder in the syringe, pour it out, mix it with another solution, swirl it around, put it back into the syringe, and then switch needles. Sheesh. That alone sounds terrifying! But, then Keal has to inject me in my lower back with this massive needle! He has to test to make sure that there is no blood in syringe. If so, he has to switch out needles and start over! After watching the video, I was literally in tears and Keal looked like he was going to vomit. "Honey, I don't think I can do that to you." I don't think we had any idea what we had signed up for, but now there's no turning back. And if it means a not-so-pleasant shot in order to get to you, well, then I will do it!

And finally, the icing on the cake....the salt in the wound. All week long I have been telling Keal that I think my sister-in-law is pregnant. And I told him, that'd be fine. I am in a good place and wouldn't be upset. I guess I didn't clarify....except if you tell me tonight! Sure enough, as we were going to bed I found out she was pregnant too. Well, cue gigantic meltdown number three - the anger, the sobbing, the softly crying - I did it all last night.

All night long, through each of these incidences, I couldn't help but first think, "Why me," or "geeze, when it rains it pours." But then I thought back to an early post I had made when we flew to Florida. When in the air, in order to get to the sunlight, we had to get past the storm and the clouds. Maybe this is our storm? Maybe for the next two weeks Satan will be targeting us with trials because he knows that God is about to work a miracle in our life. Maybe in just a few short weeks you will be on the way. So, I will continue to try and fight these trials because I know you, our sunshine, is just on the other side of these storms!

No Turning Back...

Well, there's no going back now. Today is my last day of summer vacation...I have every intention of spending it reading outside by the pool and relaxing! But, before I could do that, I had to wait for a very important delivery. I had to be home to sign for it because it immediately needed refrigerating. I was so happy when it was delivered an hour earlier than planned (because that meant more time by the pool for me!).

As I opened the package though, I felt immediate anxiety. Partly because I'm a chicken and have never been very brave when it comes to doctors and needles (this experience has taught me that too! I no longer cringe when I have to have blood drawn). How crazy though that in just two days I'll be giving myself shots at home. I'm also anxious because I know these next few weeks are going to be one emotional roller coaster! The shots and pills I'm taking alone are going to make me emotional. But the thought of possible getting (or not getting) you soon makes me super emotional too. I just wish we had the answers already. The waiting game makes me crazy! But at least we are on the right track. We are moving forward. We are being proactive. And someday soon, God is going to give us you!

 

So, off I go to the pool. I can't dwell on what is going to start happening in the next few days (I'll make myself sick with worry!). I can't dwell on whether or not we will soon get you. All I can do is continue to pray and have faith that God has a plan for us. I have to live in the present, look for the glorious moments in my life, and be grateful for what I have been given today!

Happy Birthday

Well, yesterday was day two of taking some medications. I am trying my hardest not to give in to the crazy mood swings that can come with these medications. So far so good!

More importantly though, yesterday was Keal's birthday. This birthday marked the tenth birthday we have spent together! How can that be?! As we celebrated, part of me realized that this could be his last birthday as a family of two. So, we spent the day celebrating together - I loved it! (And since it was his birthday, I'm hoping he loved it too!)

The day started when Keal took off work early to go to the movies, followed by an early dinner. Afterwards, we swung by a local pie shop - Keal doesn't like cake as much as he does pie. So, he got a delicious birthday pie! When we got home, we spent a couple hours sitting under our new porch roof playing cards and then my family coming over for some pie! I loved celebrating Keal and getting to spend the day with him.

One of his birthday presents was a tent....so last night we decided to test it out before truly going camping! We are such kids at heart! We set the tent up in our living room and slept downstairs.

camping in the living room!

Today was another day in our treatment and another day closer to you. If this was our last birthday as a family of two, we will rejoice and be happy to share the next birthday with you. And if not, we know God has a plan for us and we will trust that plan.

Is Anything Bigger Than God?

Well, this week begins another step closer to you. I have anxiously / excitedly spent my weekend waiting for Monday morning when we will go to the doctor to begin some treatments. Part of me is very excited to start these medicines. Part of me is very hopeful in knowing that you will soon be apart of my life. Part of me is anxious to see how my body will react to these medicines. Part of me is worried to have to give myself shots this week (who would've thought I'd be able to handle this!). And part of me is so anxious / excited to think that this could be the month we find out you are on your way. And while this is what we've been praying for, it too makes me so nervous! How crazy that in nine months we could be parents!! 

Today, the message in church was, yet again, perfect for me and our journey to you. Today's message was: Is anything bigger than God? We started by reading Mark 10:23-27.

Then Jesus looked around and said to His disciples, “How hard it is for those who have riches to enter the kingdom of God!” And the disciples were astonished at His words. But Jesus answered again and said to them, “Children, how hard it is for those who trust in richesto enter the kingdom of God. It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”And they were greatly astonished, saying among themselves, “Who then can be saved?” But Jesus looked at them and said, “With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible.”

In this passage, it says how difficult it is to get into heaven with riches, but that with God anything is possible. We were told, not to think of it strictly as impossible with riches, but it is impossible only when we put something in the way of God. We need to trust His plan and have faith that nothing is too great for God to handle. 

We then read from Genesis 18:1-14 when God told Sarah she was going to have a child at the age of ninety-one. This seemed impossible to Sarah and like any of us would do, she laughed. How could she have a child at ninety-one? And God responded to her, Is anything too hard for the Lord? How true this is! God knows all things and he has seen all things. There is nothing we can bring to God that will catch Him off guard; we can't surprise God with our problems / situations. Nothing is bigger than God! We don't have to understand how He's going to take care of it; we just need to turn it over to Him, trust Him, and know that He can do anything!

I know that as we continue on to you this definitely is not something that is too big for God. I know with complete confidence that God is going to give us you. I am thankful for how He has put things in place for this coming week so that I can go to all of these doctor appointments without concern for school (the first day of school is in ten days).

Tomorrow is the first doctor's appointment. I will then start some medication and on Thursday begins the shots. I have meetings all day Thursday and Friday. These tend to be somewhat stressful with school being so close - you always feel like you have so much to do in so little time. So I pray that God will help me deal with the emotional swings that can accompany these drugs. Then on the following Monday, I will tentatively have another doctor's appointment. Monday, we were scheduled to be in meetings from 7-4 (could not miss) and then Open House from 5-7. Last week, before I knew of any of these appointments, my principal cancelled our 7-4 meeting! So, God's hand was already moving before I even knew! Last week, I was just grateful for the day off. Today, I realize it is so much more than a day off - it was God working to make all of these appointments possible! Is anything bigger than God? Absolutely not!!

So, I thank God for today's message. I thank God that there is nothing bigger than Him. I thank Him for the things He is putting into place to make these next two week possible, even with the start of the school year. And I thank God for my wonderful life!