Need You Now

Well, today has been the most painful day physically thus far. The shots and pills did exactly what they were supposed to, but to a fault. So, you are not on your way yet, but I am still dealing with the side effects as if you were. I can handle the pain and will tough it out. But the worst part about it is each time I feel pain, I'm reminded that it didn't work this month; that this pain is all for nothing this month. And I know that's not completely true; each step (good and bad) is a step towards you. I know that even this painful part of our journey is all apart of the bigger plan. But it still hurts (physically and emotionally).

I heard a new song today while trying to push through this physical and emotional pain, Need You Now:

So, in the midst of this pain today, I cry out to God, I need you now. And I know He hears me and I know He is comforting us through this journey to you. I find myself thinking,"I want to believe there's beauty here," even in this pain. And I know you are the beauty, I just wish you were here now! And so I cry out to God, I need you now, as I try to find the beauty today. And as the lyrics also stated, so often I have wondered how we got here and how we will ever get to where we are going.  There are days like today where I have cried out to God just asking Him to take this pain and journey away. But I know it is all for His perfect plan. I know our miracle is waiting for us. And I am excited for the day that God reveals you to us. I am excited for the day that Keal sees firsthand God's hand move in our lives.

Today I praise God that He has heard my every cry out to Him. Today I praise God that through each cry He picks me up and gives me strength. I praise God that every time I whisper, I need you now, He is always there pulling us through along this beautiful journey to you.

Not Strong Enough

Well, today is a bad day. And, I started the day without even trying to fight it. I was just miserable and going to give myself a day to be miserable (every now and then you need to just let it out).

Well, this afternoon I had the house to myself as Keal and his dad worked on the patio out back. So I fiddled around the house, blaring some Christian music, trying to burn off some of my anger. Music can usually rescue me. Not today. All of the songs were awful. Not only that, I didn't recognize one song in a thirty minute span - which is bizarre being that I've only been listening to Christian radio in the past several months. "See, not even these stupid songs snap me outta this today." Whenever you're angry it seems like you can find all the reasons why you should stay angry. I mean, if the Christian songs are even bad, then of course that's reason to stay mad!

And as I was thinking these negative thoughts, God showed Himself, yet again to me. (I often imagine how exhausted God must get with me....and yet He never lets me down. And even when I begin to doubt Him or myself, He still stays right by and picks me up, time and time again.)

As I was feeling exhausted from this journey to you; as I was getting angry that you aren't here yet; and as I was asking God why; the song "Strong Enough," came on.

I mean, could these lyrics be any better?! This is exactly what my heart was feeling today. This is exactly what I've been feeling. From the first verse to the last, the ups and downs of this song is exactly how I feel. I want to ask Mr. West if he wrote this song with my journey to you in mind! So, in the midst of my pity-party-kinda-day, I'm thanking God that even though I'm not strong enough today to handle this journey, I know He is strong enough to carry me through. And I know that with complete and total faith, you are waiting for me at the end of this journey.

Cry Out to Jesus

So today I find myself fighting the urge to:

• be angry at: 
• God - I've been so faithful....why didn't this work
• dumb parents around me who don't know how to raise their children (a student of mine showed up without ever meeting me on the first day with no school supplies, and no note as to how they wanted him to get home today, nor did they return my several phone calls asking how he would be getting home. Really?! These people get to be parents?!)
• smart parents who I'm angry with simply because they're parents
• those who don't act the way I want them to act (why is life continuing as it normally does?! why aren't people crying with me and mourning this news?)
• be jealous: there are so many parents out there who don't want to be parents; who are bad parents; or worst of all are wonderful parents, that I completely envy and want their lives.
• ask why
• throw a pity party, cry, and eat ice cream (which I'm not gonna lie, that DQ run we just made did help a little!)

Well driving home from our much needed ice cream, we turned on the radio. And as always, through my anger, my tears, my questioning of God, He still wrapped His arms around me and whispered He's got this under control and He loves us.

I do have complete faith in God that this journey is going to lead us to you. However, today I am hurting and I know that is okay. And so, I will cry out to Jesus, hold strong to my faith, and pray for that day when we finally meet you.

Another Bump

Well, we have hit yet another bump in this journey to you. Today's appointment did not at all go as expected. In fact, I hadn't even prepared myself for this news.

I was going to today's appointment to find out when we would be doing IUI. Now, if IUI didn't work, that I was going to prepare myself for.

Instead, we found out that my body reacts way too well to the shots and pills. Where there should have been one or two follicles total, there were 12 on one side and 10 on the other. Which means no IUI at all. Which means we are back to the beginning. And worst of all, which means we have to go the IVF route (this has been my biggest prayer all along -- anything but IVF).

So, needless to say, today has been a pretty devastating day. And to make matters worse (and better in some ways), tomorrow is the first day of school. This is good because it is keeping me distracted. However, I feel distracted by this journey to you right now and fear I won't be the best teacher possible this week. I just don't feel like school is at the top of my priority list right now.

But, through all this pain today, I have still felt God telling me He is with me and has a plan with me. In fact, each song that came on the radio today was just for me. Even the DJ on the Christian radio station made a comment, "If you find yourself in pain today, things didn't go as you planned, just know that God has a bigger plan for you." So, through my tears and pain, I praise God. I know He has a plan for me and I know He has a plan for you.

The Best Life Possible

Today's message in church was simple, if you want the best life possible, you have to have the best relationship possible with God.

James 4:8
"Draw closer to God and he will draw closer to you."

I am truly thankful for this journey to you because if it has done anything, it has definitely brought me closer to God and He closer to me. There is no way I could stay as positive as I have without my faith. And I know, firsthand, that as I have drawn closer to Him, He has held me tighter and drawn closer to me. This message was just perfect for me.

So, as I continue on to you, I will continue to strive to draw closer to God. I know that He has a plan for me and my life. And I know that to continue to live the best life possible, I need to continue reaching out to Him. And when I think of all He has done for me, how could I not? To reach out to Him is the least I can do to say thank you for my beautiful, best life!

Morning Routine

Well, today was day one of my new morning routine....that no longer includes taking an extra pill, but is now giving myself an injection. From about 5:30 until 7:15 this morning, I tossed and turned. I drifted in and out of sleep dreaming of my follistim pen and this injection.

Finally, I got up and decided to put the worry behind me and get this injection over with. I have to say, today was ten thousand times easier than yesterday! There was no panicking or worrying, no starting to do it and then stopping. I got my needle ready and in one quick motion, it was over! Who knew giving yourself a shot could be so easy and painless?! All this worry for nothing. Knowing that this is all to meet you, makes this process even somewhat exciting. Each injection is one day closer to you!

Here's what the process is like:

Step One
Get all the materials out: the entire pen, new needle, and alcohol wipe (oh yeah, and my great red "sharps container" was sitting near by too to dispose of the needle at the end)

Step Two
Wipe off the tip of the yellow pen with alcohol wipe, open the needle, squeeze and twist it on, and remove large plastic top (there is now a smaller top still protecting you from the needle)

Step Three
Twist the knob to 75. This is my dosage and determines how much I have to press down to release medicine once needle is in my skin (notice how the yellow top is a little higher than it was in the first two pictures -- that's what I'll press down back to the base)

Step Four
Pop off the smallest plastic cap, revealing your needle....almost ready!

Step Five
Pinch an inch! (how lovely) and clean the area with another alcohol wipe

Step Six
Go for it! Stick needle in at 90 degrees and push the top down slowly (with your thumb) to release the dosage. Once it's in, count to five and pull the needle out.

Step Seven (I couldn't work the camera for all these pics while trying not to poke myself with the needle!)
Put the larger plastic cap back on the needle, squeeze and twist off, and dispose of in the red sharps container box. Wipe your stomach back off with the alcohol wipe (especially if you bleed a little). Pop the lid back on your pen, store it in your case, and you're good to go!


I really can't believe how easy this is! Two days down, possibly three to go! One step closer to you!

Something Beautiful

On the drive home today, another perfect song came on for me! Something Beautiful.

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

You, my darling, are my something beautiful. I am thankful for this journey to you because it has brought me so much closer to God. So, until then, I am down on my knees waiting for something beautiful; waiting for you.