Fertile Myrtle

One thing with this journey that still throws me off....the tiniest things that will make me angry or sad.

Today during lunch a woman made the comment, "Yep. Just call me Fertile Myrtle. My husband could just look at me and we'd be pregnant. It was really always such a nuisance."

Well, I almost lost it. I so badly wanted to say, "Really? A nuisance? Yeah, it must be so terrible being able to get pregnant the way we were intended to. Wanna hear about a nuisance lady? How about taking pills all the time, wearing estrogen patches to counter the crazy pills, giving yourself shots, constant blood work and ultrasounds, peeing on a stick daily just to see "nope, not working," hot flashes, mood swings, depression, nausea, and intense cramping, all to TRY to get pregnant, never knowing if you will be able to have a child of your own....yeah. That's a nuisance. And until you've been there, you can quit your complaining about being able to be a mother."

Yep. That's what I wanted to say. Instead, I politely smiled, gave a phony chuckle with the rest of the lunch group, and continued nibbling on my crackers.

So, this put me on edge today. And once I'm there, it's like I'm looking for more reasons to be angry. And as expected, I was successful. I could tear apart every word that came out of everyone's mouth.

On my drive home, I told myself to snap out of it! I rolled the windows down to enjoy the beautiful fall weather we've been having. I popped in my "Let Faith Arise," CD and began belting it out! The songs are in chronological order of this journey; songs that I know God had me hear during very specific moments throughout this journey. I retraced my steps up to this point -- the highs and the lows.

I found myself so quickly shaken from my anger. I found myself, arms wide out, singing with all my heart, and talking with God. Tears streamed down my face this evening, as I was thanking God for every step of this journey. I even found myself thanking Him for the "Fertile Myrtle," comments I've heard throughout this journey. They will make me that much more thankful for you! Not everyone gets to have such a long journey to their babies....we will love you that much more, little one, because we waited so long and patiently for you!

I found myself praying for you. I am so excited for God to trust me with your life. I cannot wait to welcome you into this family. I know that this journey has made me so much more thankful for things I once took for granted. I find myself with a whole new appreciation for life. I was weeping, driving down the road, thinking of all that awaits us. People say that being a parent is unlike any love you'll ever know. And I know they are right. But let me say, I already love you so much, my precious one. My words are not doing the emotion and love I felt for you while driving home any justice. I just cannot wait for that moment when I look into your eyes and hold you for the first time. If I already love you this much, I can't imagine what that love will be like once you are here.

And now, as I sit here, reflecting on my evening, I find myself thinking, "How repetitive must I sound to God?" Hmmm: get angry with this journey, get sad, get rescued, feel revived, get hope, repeat. I am so thankful to serve such a forgiving and patient God. Thank you God for continually picking me up. Thank you God for forgiving me in my moments of sadness or anger. And thank you God, for always showing yourself to me. Thank you for reminding me that you are always here with us. Thank you for this miracle that you will someday work in our lives!

"Thy Faith Has Made You Whole"

I am sitting on my patio, listening to Christian music, wrapped in a blanket, reading scripture, and sipping hot cocoa as I type these words. It has been such a perfect morning! Today my dad is in Florida for a baptism, so no church here in Oldham County. I decided to spend the morning reading, reflecting, and praying. I could not have started my day in a better fashion! I think I beat everyone in our neighborhood up (including Keal); it was so quiet outside.....just me and God!

Yesterday was spent with my two pregnant sister-in-laws and their families. This was a challenging day for me and I spent most of it in sadness and anger. Having to listen to them comparing baby doctor appointments is just so painful, so I try to stay away (even though I can still hear them). But then I feel even more isolated. It's such a difficult situation to be stuck between.

So, as I walked outside this morning, praying for guidance, I decided to focus on you and what we already have, and not what others have or what we don't have yet. This journey, and an even greater focus this miracle month, has been all about faith, so I decided to do some faith reading.

First (here's the analytical in me!), I looked up the definition.
Faith (n): 
a (1) : belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2) : belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion

b (1) : firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) : complete trust (3): something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially : a system of religious beliefs

— on faith: without question 

Then I began reading verses which include faith. I read countless verses this morning, but a few really struck me. The first chapter I read was Mark 2.

Mark 2:8-12: "And immediately when Jesus perceived in his spirit that they so reasoned within themselves, he said unto them, Why reason ye these things in your hearts? Whether is it easier to say to the sick of the palsy, Thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and take up thy bed, and walk? But that ye may know that the Son of man hath power on earth to forgive sins, (he saith to the sick of the palsy,) I say unto thee, Arise, and take up thy bed, and go thy way into thine house. And immediately he arose, took up the bed, and went forth before them all; insomuch that they were all amazed, and glorified God, saying, We never saw it on this fashion."

Every day, I am continually asking God to forgive me of whatever sins I may have. And every day, I believe, whole-heartedly, that these sins are removed. I don't doubt for a moment that I still carry these sins around with me. So then why would I ever doubt that Christ would be able to say to me, "Arise you are healed." It seems like commonsense, but I had never thought of miracles in this manner (even though I had read this story countless times and even had it highlighted in my Bible already). When our sins are removed, that is a miracle. More times than I can count in a day, God is working miracles in my life. So why would I ever doubt that he couldn't work this miracle in my life as well. 

Romans 5:1-5: "Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;And patience, experience; and experience, hope:And hope maketh not ashamed;  because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."

Tribulations are given to us for a reason. They bring patience, patience brings experience, and experience brings hope. I have known from that start of this journey that there was a reason for all of this. How reassuring to read the reason for our tribulations this morning! Yes, we are learning patience, gaining experience, and have a hope from all these things!

Romans 4:20 "He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God."

I cannot let this journey get me discouraged or angry with God. I need to remember that as I just learned in Romans 5, we are given tribulations for a reason. I need to stay strong in my faith that God is working this miracle in our life. And through it all, I will continue giving all glory to God! 

Mark 4:35-41  "And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?"

I feel God constantly whispering to me, Peace be still. I feel Him calming the storm in my life. I feel Him rescuing me on those days when I am angry or fearful. Yesterday, I had strength to hold it together because I know He heard my whispered prayers. I know He whispered, peace, be still, yesterday. I feel His comfort in the midst of this turmoil. And for that I am grateful. I have complete faith that He is working this miracle in our life, but I do feel the swirl around me still, and I know He calms that storm for me and brings me back to a level of peace.

Mark 10:52 "And Jesus said unto him, Go thy way; thy faith hath made thee whole. And immediately he received his sight, and followed Jesus in the way."

I look forward to the day that we find out we are pregnant with you. I know on that day, God will be looking down on us saying, "Go thy way; thy faith has made you whole." 

And until that day, we will continue on this journey with a spirit of praise, knowing that through our tribulation God is teaching us patience and hope. We will continue on this journey full of faith so that God does not ask us, "Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?" We will continue on this journey in faith so that we one day hear, "Your faith has made you whole."

Thank you God for a beautiful start to my Sunday. Thank you God for rescuing me from my hurt and pain yesterday. And thank you for this journey; for sculpting us into stronger, more faithful people. Thank you God for everything!

(And I don't count this a small thing either....while typing this post, I have been listening to a random Christian radio station. Many of the songs played were songs from my Let Faith Arise playlist. I feel God with me this morning even in the music being played! Thank you God!)

Resuced

So, last night was a bit of a down night for me. I've been doing so good, but it seemed like all the emotions caught up with me. I was feeling angry and sad...so I had myself a good cry. Keal and I got in the car right after and the first song on was, "He Said." I felt like God was whispering those words to me, "I won't give you more, more then you can take and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break, and no, I'll never ever let you go." My mood immediately shifted with this song. I felt so comforted knowing that God has me in His arms. I felt so comforted knowing He has this journey under control. And I felt so comforted knowing that He knows I'm in pain and that He even rescues me from that. We serve such an awesome God! Thank you Lord for rescuing me last night!

Power of Prayer

Today, a good friend of mine came up to me, and said, "We pray for you every night. We've always prayed for you guys, but it's so exciting knowing that this month we are praying to move God's hand and praying for your miracle this month." It was so simple and so powerful for me. I was so touched to hear that another couple was so dedicated to pray every night for us and our miracle.

I've been thinking a lot about campout recently, specifically our Glorious Hope. I no longer doubt for an instant that we won't get you. I know with my whole heart that Keal and I will one day be your parents. But I now reflect on this journey as a way for Keal to come to Christ. It is so encouraging to know that there is more to this life. We have a glorious hope in knowing a glorious salvation waits for us. Our purpose in this world is to find soul salvation and help others find it as well. So I know completely that that is the purpose of this journey. This journey is going to bring Keal to an understanding and his own personal relationship with God. So my prayers have shifted. I pray for this miracle so that Keal knows it was only because of God that you are in our lives. I pray for this miracle so that I can witness the miracle of Keal's soul salvation.

Today I thank God for dear friends dedicated to our miracle month. I thank God for those faithful warriors who hold us up through this journey. I thank God for the faith of my friends and family. And I thank God for this miracle that He has already begun working in our lives!

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

One thing I hope to pass on to you is my love for Disney movies! Here are some great lyrics for you from a classic (Cinderella):

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

These lyrics must be true...my heart is definitely wishing for you. And last night I dreamt of you again! I've always been a dreamer and loved everything about dreaming. I can remember at least one every morning, but I must say, when I dream of you, they are simply....perfect.

This is only the second dream I have had of you. I've had dreams of pregnancy, starting a family, and this journey to you. But only two dreams of you. These dreams are always so short, but they are so powerful and inspiring. 

Last night, I dreamt that someone else was holding you and you were crying. I came over, swaddled you tightly in a blanket, and scooped you into my arms. You instantly knew my touch. As soon as I picked you up the crying stopped and you snuggled into my chest. You closed your eyes and smiled, as I hugged and rocked you. You were perfect. Just perfect. As I type these words, I can still feel myself holding you.

And that was it. That was my dream. Just a blip in the night. But oh, my sweet one, it was so much more than that. I will hold on to this memory. I will cherish that moment in my dream when I held you and comforted you. This memory will get me through until I can actually hold you in my arms. It probably sounds so unbelievable and strange to others to say I love you, when you don't even exist yet. But know, you already so loved. You are our miracle and we are so ready to welcome you into our family!

Labor Day Weekend

Today, Keal and I had the day off. After a busy weekend of cleaning, working on the patio, and spending time with both families, it was nice to have a day to ourselves.

September has been dedicated to praying as a couple for you, our miracle. And I love how committed Keal is to this - reminding me each night as we get into bed that we need to pray. Today, before leaving breakfast at my parents, we were both anointed.

I felt such a peace afterwards. In the past, my prayers and reasoning has all been selfish. I now pray with a new hope and purpose...Keal's soul salvation. I know that if we were to get you through the help of doctors, Keal would still thank God. But I also know deep down he'd be able to say it was because of doctors we got you. So, I am dedicated to praying and moving God's hand so that when we get you our miracle there is no doubt - we will say it was only because of God that you are in our life! And in return, Keal would know without any doubt, how real is God. That he would know how powerful prayer is. And that he would know that God is still the same today, working miracles in our lives.

We spent the afternoon working on the patio together. And as we did I found myself staring at our backyard, amazed at how much time has gone into this house. I listened to the peaceful flow of the fountain. And as I took in our yard I became so excited thinking that this is the place that you will grow up. I was looking at the beauty that our yard alone has to offer you. I envisioned summer strolls out to the garden to pick veggies for dinner. I saw you running through the yard playing soccer or hitting a baseball. I swear I could even hear your precious giggle filling our yard.

I know I've said this before, but there is so much joy waiting for you in this life. There are so many people waiting to love you. And I cannot wait until I welcome you to this world and share that love with you. You are already so loved!

One Prayer Answered

Friday's doctor appointment could not have gone any better - even if we had written a script! (Which I say jokingly, but I know it went so well because we DIDN'T write a script; I know it went so well because GOD is writing this beautiful script to you!)

We (Keal, mom, and I) sat down with our doctor. She kicked off the appointment by turning it over to us first (enter God here! This was prayer one answered - that we could ask about another option before IVF). So I found courage knowing God was with us. I asked if we could try one more round of IUI - minus the shots - before going to IVF.

She was in agreement with us and decided it was worth a shot to exhaust all other options before going to the most extreme. So we mapped out our game plan from now until Christmas...leaving September as our off month. Leaving September as one final month for God's hand to be moved! Leaving September as our Miracle Month!

We left the appointment feeling God's hand already moving in this journey to you. I don't find it a coincidence that our last month before starting three intense months of treatment would be the month we dedicated to praying for you, our miracle. I feel like we are now in our final struggle - we have gone as far as we could and now it is God's turn to takeover. It is God's turn to show Himself to me and Keal. It is God's turn to show us that He can do anything with faith believing!

I know I've said this before, but it is all so true...I am so thankful for the way Friday's appointment went. I am thankful for a loving and supportive family. I am thankful for the most perfect man to take this journey with. And I am thankful for this journey to you! So, in this Miracle Month we will continue to let faith arise and trust that God will work this miracle for us!