24 weeks

Twenty some weeks ago we had our first attempt at IUI. Twenty some weeks ago we waited, for what seemed like an eternity, to see if our prayers had been answered. Twenty some weeks ago I entered my information into a website just sure that we were pregnant. We had to be.

Here we are, twenty some weeks later and I got onto that same website to look something up. On the front page read, "Congratulations, you are now 24 weeks pregnant." It continued with a picture of "my" baby in the womb, followed by facts about what "my" baby could now do, how big it was, and which organs were fully developed. Everything a truly pregnant woman would gush over reading.

While I trust that twenty some weeks ago wasn't God's time for you, I can't help but feel a little sadness from this terrible reminder. So, I decided to delete it. The website would not make this an easy task.

"Would you like to delete this child completely from your profile?"

Hmmm, would I like to? Absolutely not! I would love for this child to be real. But I clicked yes.

"Do you need help with miscarriage grief?"

At this point I was ready to chuck my phone out the window! What I need is to just make this "pregnancy" disappear without the need to be reminded that I am in fact not pregnant. What I need is the help of grieving something I never even had.

Finally, it was gone. No more questions. No more reminders on the screen at least, but how would I delete these reminders from my heart? It's funny how sad I can still get over a pregnancy that never was. Again, I truly and completely trust God's plan for us. But sometimes it still hurts that you aren't ours yet. Next week we more actively start up this journey again. I will hold on to the hope that someday soon you will be in our arms. I just can't wait to show you how much you are so very loved.

In My Saturday

Yesterday, while listening to the radio, the DJ asked if anyone was "stuck in their Saturday." She explained that on Friday Christ was killed and on Sunday he arose. But what about that Saturday? Saturday was the day in between - of waiting and wondering what would happen. Saturday was a silent day. It may have included pain, as they were mourning Christ's death, unaware of the hope Sunday would bring. Did the people feel God was ignoring them? As I reflected on this thought of a Silent Saturday, a day in between the problem and solution, I realized this journey is definitely my Saturday, waiting and wondering when our prayers will be answered.

Later, we were heading to Keal's side of the family for an early Easter celebration. All week long I have told Keal, I'm not going. Each holiday is another reminder that you still aren't here. You should be searching for Easter eggs with your cousins. Plus, this would be the first family function I would attend with baby Logan. I was just dreading it...

I am so happy and blessed that I went. I feel like there has been such a healing between Keal's family and me. Before, at these family functions, I felt so alone in my pain.

It is so different now. While they can't understand everything I'm going through, they do acknowledge that we're in pain. And for me, that is more than enough. I feel loved and I feel cared for.

Yesterday, I held baby Logan for a long time. I even had the opportunity to feed him. And I didn't even feel sadness. I was happy to be holding my sweet nephew. For this healing I am grateful.

As Keal's cousin was leaving, I could see tears in her eyes as she whispered to me, "That baby looks real good on you. You are a natural. Your day is coming sweetheart." I was so touched by her words and her acknowledgement.

Then, as Keal and I were leaving, his mom and sister both hugged me with tears in their eyes, thanking me for coming even though they knew how hard it was for me. I was so touched and thankful that they acknowledge these sacrifices we are making. Before I feared that I would have to stop coming to family functions because they were just too painful. I felt so alone. But now, having their love and support makes me realize that I can attend these events.

Today, is Easter. Today we celebrate that Christ was willing to die and rise again for each one of us. Today we celebrate that our Saturday, our waiting, had ended, giving us an opportunity for eternal life. And while I celebrate such a beautiful day, I also celebrate this personal Saturday that I am still in. I celebrate that some day our waiting will end and we will finally have you in our lives!

Sweet Prayer

Today I shared my friend's dream with Keal.

At dinner tonight, he shared his response to her experience through his prayer:

"God we thank you for the dream you gave us and the hope it lets us hold onto until you answer our prayers and give us our miracle."

You are already so loved, little one, by both of us. We cannot wait until God's perfect timing to meet you.

Perfect Timing

"Hi Courtney! I wanted to talk to you about something, so whenever you're free, would you mind giving me a call? No rush."

This was a text I woke up to Tuesday morning sent from a close, family friend Monday night.

Tuesday night I called her back, but got no answer. Later she texted me, asking if we could talk tonight (Wednesday).

...hold this thought...

Today, I got home from school, and decided to keep busy, trying not to focus on the birth of my new nephew. After a productive evening alone, I found out yet another family member is pregnant with their second baby! Well, I was just devastated. Why are all these other women getting their babies and we are still without you?

...okay, insert the first part of this beautiful story and God' perfect timing!

God continues to show His love for me with his perfect timing in everything. I am so grateful that my friend didn't answer on Tuesday, and now I know why, God knew I'd need that phone call today! While laying in bed, in self-pity tonight, she texted me back, "What time do you go to bed?"

I decided not to respond. I didn't feel like talking. Thirty minutes later, she called me anyway, and I decided to just answer. I am so thankful I did.

"So, ever since you got anointed this summer, I've been praying for you. I didn't know for sure why you were anointed, but I thought maybe it had to do with wanting a baby. So, I've been praying. I'm not usually one to remember my dreams, but this weekend I dreamt we were at church conference and you were pregnant. You were so happy.

"I debated whether or not I should tell you, so I asked my mom. She said its funny I would ask because she had been praying real hard for you this week too. So, I figured that was confirmation and that I should tell you. I didn't want to upset you, but I thought maybe it would bring you some hope."

I am beyond overwhelmed with the love I feel tonight. I have gone from self-pitying, sobbing to feeling so rescued by my Lord. It is always difficult to hear of others' pregnancy success; you can't help but wonder, "Why them? Why not me?" But God showed me tonight that just because someone else is pregnant is not a sign that He has forgotten my journey to you. In fact, he gave me an extra whisper of love tonight with a phone call and sweet dream from a friend. Tonight, I will hold tight to that hope of the day when we hear you are our's.

(sigh)

While getting in bed tonight, I was informed that newborn nephew number two is on his way. My other sister-in-law is on her way to the hospital to be induced...as I type.

I don't really know what to say, but feel like I need to blog just purely for the therapeutic release. I found this picture online today. It says everything I wish I would've said.

Instead, I will say a little prayer for comfort tonight, and trust one day, you'll be in our arms!

Thankful

It's funny how the smallest things can cause me to feel anger or sadness in this journey. The past couple of weeks have been so busy that I haven't really had much time to dwell on the negative (or positive for that matter) of this journey. I have just really been trying to survive, coasting on an emotional auto pilot.

Well, yesterday my emotions took over. I felt angry. I felt sad all day long. I got home and found a thank you for a baby gift we had sent to a shower. Well, you would've thought someone sent me an insulting letter the way I reacted to that note! Poor Keal got the brunt of my yelling and fussing over "stupid babies," as I believe I referred to them. (Not my proudest moment.)

Today, I got home and read from Jesus Calling. Here's another thing you will someday learn, God is the perfect teacher. He has such a way to gently nudge us and redirect us in the right direction. Today's theme: thankfulness. "Thank me for the glorious gift of My Spirit...I shower blessings on you daily, but sometimes you don't perceive them. When your mind is stuck on a negative focus, you see neither Me nor My gifts."

How humbling.

God has given me His spirit to represent Him here on earth; to listen to and be guided by every moment of my life. And that should be enough! But He gives us more. Daily He is blessing me. Yesterday, I definitely was focused on the negative and missed out on all He was doing for me. Today is a new day with a new mindset. Today, I am thanking God for all the small and big things He does for me on a daily basis. Today, while driving to work, my brakes locked up and I slid right through a  stop sign. Thank God it was at 6 in the morning when no one was really out yet, in my neighborhood going at a slow speed. Had it happened just five minutes later, then results could have been much worse. So, I thank God for that. And while I could've been mumbling that today was a wasted day, stranded at home, I thank Him for that! After a rough day yesterday, I cleared my head today, singing, painting, and enjoying some quiet peace by myself.

2 Corinthians 4:6 "For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ."

Today I am thanking God for all I have in this glorious life. I am thanking God for this journey because out of this struggle so many incredible blessings have been given. I am thanking God for this journey so that on the day we finally meet you, we will be able to shout this miracle He has worked in our life. "In faith, thank Me for whatever is preoccupying your mind. This will clear the blockage so that you can find me."

Praise You in This Storm

Long before I started this blog, after the first doctor's appointment in which the dreaded "I" word had been used (Infertility), I was driving home in a daze. I was so overcome with my own pain, worries, and fear of never being able to be a mother. A song came on my radio and instantly rescued me, "Praise You in This Storm."

Not only is this journey one big storm in my life, but this work week has been quite the storm too. I have heard the song, "Praise You in This Storm," every day this week on my drive to work. So, amidst these challenges I am facing, I am praising God this week.

I have started each day by reading from Jesus Calling and the corresponding scriptures. All three messages this week have been so perfect for me and this journey to you. The three themes this week were: "Walk by faith, not by sight," "Waiting, trusting, and hoping," and "Learn to live above your circumstances." All three spoke so perfectly to my heart. Starting my [stressful] work days off with just ten quiet minutes of reading have been such a peaceful way to begin my days.

I am thankful that through our pain, God continues to show us that He is still with us and showing His love for us. So, until you are in our arms, I will continue praising God through this storm.