I'm Worn

I sometimes feel like a complete crazy person when I write a post like this one...when I wrote just a few hours ago one of such hope, trust, and faith. The ups and downs of this journey are just so exhausting.

Today's appointment was fine, but like usual, we got no real news. At this point, the shots haven't really done anything. So, five more days of shots. While I wasn't discouraged by this news, I do feel drained. I just want this to work so badly. I heard this beautiful song today for the first time. It so perfectly describes how I am feeling.

I am putting all of my trust in God, and out of the hands of medicine and shots. At this point, the shots just aren't working. So, I'm trusting God to answer our prayers and grant us this miracle. I am praying that we will move His hand, and that when we go in on Monday, we hear that miraculously there has been the growth we need to see.  I am praying Lord, "Let me see redemption win. Let me know the struggle ends, that You can mend a heart that's frail and torn."

The Way of Peace

Here was today's message in Jesus Calling:

I am training you in steadiness. Too many things interrupt your awareness of Me. I know that you live in a world of sight and sound, but you must not be a slave to those stimuli. Awareness of Me can continue in all circumstances, no matter what happens. This is the steadiness I desire for you.

Don't let unexpected events throw you off course. Rather, respond calmly and confidently, remembering that I am with you. As soon as something grabs your attention, talk with Me about it. Thus I share your joys and your problems; I help you cope with whatever is before you. This is how I live in you and work through you. This is the way of Peace.

Psalm 112:7
They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I found such comfort that this was today's message for me on this day of my doctor's appointment. There should be no fear in waiting for this appointment because I trust an incredible, loving and merciful God. I also loved that it said, "I share your joys and your problems." I know God has not forgotten us in this journey to you. I know He is apart of this struggle and challenge, so that when we rejoice you, our miracle, He will be part of that joy too.

I go into this appointment with an open heart and open mind, ready to trust whatever plan God has for us today.

Sweaty Palms and Tears

It's funny, I thought I'd be more prepared this time around. I knew what to expect. I'm a pro at shots. I know how my body reacts to the meds. The countless doctor appointments, no big deal.

Boy, was I wrong.

This morning I stood in the bathroom, needle in hand, palms sweaty, tears streaming down my face. I just couldn't do it this morning. The first time around, each shot was one step closer to getting you. This time, I feel a little more jaded. Yes, if this works, each shot is one step closer to you. But, we've done this before with no luck. This time around I feel like I'm doing this for nothing, to just hear that it didn't work again.

I am trying to be hopeful, positive, and faithful that God has this all under control, but part of me just wishes we could get to you without the needles, the meds, and the doctors. I keep reminding myself of this quote:

"Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, he was watching me. Even when He seemed indifferent to my suffering, He was watching. And when I was beyond all hope of saving...He gave me rest and gave me a sign to continue my journey." ~Life of Pi~

I know God is with us. I know there is a reason for all we are going through. And no matter what, I know He is going to help us continue on our journey to you.

...Whatever Your Will

I started this morning calm, prayerful, and trusting. I started this morning confident in whatever news I got at my doctor's appointment. When I turned on my car, while still praying, the first words I heard were, "whatever your will, can you help me find it." I instantly felt a peace; it was my song from yesterday!

Today's appointment went great and we got the okay to start the treatments. I am excited to start and will be hopefully waiting to hear good news next week. Now that I have done this a few times before, I am prayerful that God will help me stay positive and focused. I am hoping to better fight some of the nasty side effects that come along with these medications. And through it all I will continue to hold strong to my faith that you will soon be in our lives.

Help Me Find It...

So tomorrow begins part two of this journey and already things could be going unlike how we planned. Should this surprise me? No - nothing in this journey has gone the way we have thought. So this should be nothing new. But, for pete's sake, not even my first appointment, only to learn we may not be able to start treatments tomorrow. When I first heard this, there wasn't as much disappointment as I probably would've had four months ago, but I also haven't given up hope on this month yet either.

I am learning to trust God and His timing more completely than I used to. As I was driving home tonight, praying to God for strength as our journey starts back up again, I heard a beautiful song, "Help Me Find It." It was a song about giving it all to God. It was a song about letting go. It was a song all about trust. I know whatever news we get tomorrow, it is the news God has planned for us. There is still a hope that tomorrow we get the okay to move forward with this month. And if not, I will trust God to help me find whatever His will.

Whatever your will...help us find it

Spring has Sprung

"Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come." Robert H. Schuller

Today I am sitting on my back porch, enjoying the cool spring sunshine, reading and relaxing. As I was enjoying one of our first true spring days, I began to think of you (as I often do). I began to think about the hope and rejuvenation that is brought by the end of winter and start of spring. Just a week ago, the world seemed like a drab, cold, depressing place. Today, flowers are blooming, birds chirping, and life has begun again.

Maybe there is a reason we couldn't start treatments until now. I find it kind of beautiful that we are starting this back up with the start of spring. I look at the new life all around me and can't help but think, maybe this is the time for your life to begin too.

I am glad to see the winter has finally ended. I am glad for the beauty of spring. I am hopeful for what the future holds for our sweet family. I will hold on to this hope until I am holding you, my heart.

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.”

2nd Time Around

Nearly four months ago to the day, we decided we needed a moment to regroup and refocus. We decided to take a break from the needles and pills and mood swings. At first, I was hesitant with this decision. I felt like we had no time to stop, I needed you and I needed you now.

When I finally agreed to the break, January was my deadline. Two months MAX and then back into the swing of things.

Well, here we are, almost doubled my "max" time off and I must say, it was an absolutely wonderful decision. Reasons why this break was needed:

1.) Time to cleanse my body of all the chemicals I'd poured in from August to November
2.) Time to cleanse my head of all the negativity
3.) Time to focus on finishing up my National Boards and school work (which paid off...I was just named Teacher of the Year!)

This week I was able to travel to Florida, enjoy some quiet time with my parents, soak up some sun, and get ready to jump back into the swing of things with both feet. I know fertility treatment will never be easy, but at least this time I know what to expect. I know there will be great ups and downs, but I know God has a plan for us. I pray someday soon you are in my arms, sweet baby.

"A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, but a woman of strength knows it is in the journey where she will become strong." ~Unknown~