Before going into surgery, I asked if Keal would please add a post to our blog. What a beautifully honest letter he wrote. Little One, you have one special daddy waiting for you!!
May 1st
Morning of IVF egg retrieval.
Little One,
What a day of mixed emotions. The sun is shining with a warm 82 degrees. All of which is masked by the storm brewing in my mind, body, and spirit. I have feelings of excitement, nervousness, fear, anger, and joy. Hopefully today is the day the roller coaster starts applying its brakes to slowly come to a stop. Hopefully one day soon we can look back at our journey of ups and downs and think "that was hard but we did it". Bringing you, Little One into the world will be our greatest triumph.
Your momma is currently back in surgery, where I just got to admire her courage, elegance, and bravery that she exhibited. I hope you get those qualities from her. What she has gone through during this procedure has been remarkable. She loves you with all her heart, yet you don't even exist yet. Little One, we are waiting patiently for your arrival. Come quick so that we can share you with all the great people that have influenced and shaped us, so that they may help shape you too.
I love you Little One. And know that I will come to know you soon.
Dad
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Before the Morning
The first song I heard when I woke up this morning was one I had heard countless times before. Today though, it was as if I had heard it for the first time. As with so many of "my" other songs, it was as if someone had written these lyrics for me.
I go into today with an open-heart, trusting God's plan for us. I know He is with us today and have felt His presence with us all morning. Following "Before the Morning," every other song on the radio this morning has been from my Let Faith Arise playlist. In that small gesture, He is whispering He loves us and is holding us close to Him today.
The song asks, "would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing 'cause the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming?" We absolutely dare to believe, little one! We will believe that this miracle is going to happen through all the ups and downs of this journey! We will "hold on, wait for the light." We will "press on" and "fight the good fight." We know that "the pain we've been feeling is just the dark before the morning." We are praying for that morning to arise!
I go into today with an open-heart, trusting God's plan for us. I know He is with us today and have felt His presence with us all morning. Following "Before the Morning," every other song on the radio this morning has been from my Let Faith Arise playlist. In that small gesture, He is whispering He loves us and is holding us close to Him today.
The song asks, "would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing 'cause the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming?" We absolutely dare to believe, little one! We will believe that this miracle is going to happen through all the ups and downs of this journey! We will "hold on, wait for the light." We will "press on" and "fight the good fight." We know that "the pain we've been feeling is just the dark before the morning." We are praying for that morning to arise!
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Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Courageous
Well, yesterday I got to begin a new mix of crazy medications. By the end of this week, I will be on six different things (yikes!). Last night, while at my parents, I introduced the first new medication into the mix.
About three hours later, and after a nap, I woke up in a crazy sweat, shaking, nauseous, and ready to faint. In the midst of this crazy reaction, it was now 11 o'clock and time for my trigger shot (notice the shaking hands. I wish this was a side effect, but it's not...I don't know why but the syringe is so much more intimidating than my nifty pen).
After a long, sleepless night, I awoke to find the headaches and dizziness haven't gone anywhere. While driving to work I was reminded, "We were made to be courageous. We were made to lead the way...The only way we'll ever stand is on our knees with lifted hands. Make us courageous. Lord, make us courageous." So, I'll put on my brave face and be courageous today. I will face this day and pray for God's comfort along the way. I keep telling myself this is all going to be worth it. And I know it will be. But, God, we need our miracle!
About three hours later, and after a nap, I woke up in a crazy sweat, shaking, nauseous, and ready to faint. In the midst of this crazy reaction, it was now 11 o'clock and time for my trigger shot (notice the shaking hands. I wish this was a side effect, but it's not...I don't know why but the syringe is so much more intimidating than my nifty pen).
Monday, April 29, 2013
Miracle Monday pt 2
Well Lord, I said this morning I am completely trusting you, so I am, but let me say, I was not at all prepared for that three hour roller coaster ride!!
I started my drive to the doctor singing and praying to the Lord. Again, the Lord spoke to me through a perfect song. It was one I had never heard before and was as if my prayer was being sung aloud to me!
"God I need You more than words can say, right here in this moment. You know my heart, You know my need. You know every part of me. So even if it's just to speak Your name, I'm gonna pray."
And I did, I prayed. I prayed for God to work this miracle for us. To be with us today.
I so wish I had a picture of the beautiful sight once we were in the examination room. Keal took hold of my hand, kissed it, bowed his head, and together we both prayed. The sight of Keal so humbled before the Lord at that moment is one I will treasure forever.
As soon as the ultrasound came up on the screen, I knew things were not looking good. One follicle was suddenly filling the whole screen - it was huge. And there were a lot of them. "Oh dear," was all our doctor uttered.
I had so much faith that today we would have our six perfect follicles. But twenty some?! I had not prepared myself for that. I think I just went numb in that moment. I did not feel sadness. I did not feel anger. I just waited to hear next steps because I just wouldn't believe this was the end of this Miracle Monday for us.
"Well, here are your options. We can just say forget it, and try again next month. Or, since we're in the middle of an IVF cycle with other women right now, we can switch gears. We can turn this into IVF for you too."
There it was. There was the hope we could still hold on to!
So, after much debating, discussing, number crunching, and weighing the pros and cons, Keal and I decided to push forward.
Tonight, I still get to do the big trigger shot (yippee!). Wednesday I have surgery to retrieve, hopefully, several good eggs. And if my body is ready for it, Monday we transfer our embryos. I hope and pray, sweet baby, you are there! We are ready for you, our sweet miracle.
It was a long and exhausting day for both of us -- double the blood work for me, double the ultrasounds, and even blood work for Keal (he was NOT happy about this! Is it wrong of me to say part of me enjoyed that he finally had to do something a little physical?). Three hours spent in a doctor's office proved to be physically and mentally draining for both of us. And though Miracle Monday did not turn out quite how we wanted, there is still hope! We still believe that this miracle is in the works. I'm not quite sure why things are changing the way they are, and maybe I never will, but I will trust God no matter what. I am thankful that we have the opportunity to continue this month. And who knows, maybe tonight is the last shot I give myself before hearing good news! And if not, sweet one, I will take as many shots as I have to because you will be so worth it.
I started my drive to the doctor singing and praying to the Lord. Again, the Lord spoke to me through a perfect song. It was one I had never heard before and was as if my prayer was being sung aloud to me!
"God I need You more than words can say, right here in this moment. You know my heart, You know my need. You know every part of me. So even if it's just to speak Your name, I'm gonna pray."
And I did, I prayed. I prayed for God to work this miracle for us. To be with us today.
I so wish I had a picture of the beautiful sight once we were in the examination room. Keal took hold of my hand, kissed it, bowed his head, and together we both prayed. The sight of Keal so humbled before the Lord at that moment is one I will treasure forever.
As soon as the ultrasound came up on the screen, I knew things were not looking good. One follicle was suddenly filling the whole screen - it was huge. And there were a lot of them. "Oh dear," was all our doctor uttered.
I had so much faith that today we would have our six perfect follicles. But twenty some?! I had not prepared myself for that. I think I just went numb in that moment. I did not feel sadness. I did not feel anger. I just waited to hear next steps because I just wouldn't believe this was the end of this Miracle Monday for us.
"Well, here are your options. We can just say forget it, and try again next month. Or, since we're in the middle of an IVF cycle with other women right now, we can switch gears. We can turn this into IVF for you too."
There it was. There was the hope we could still hold on to!
So, after much debating, discussing, number crunching, and weighing the pros and cons, Keal and I decided to push forward.
Tonight, I still get to do the big trigger shot (yippee!). Wednesday I have surgery to retrieve, hopefully, several good eggs. And if my body is ready for it, Monday we transfer our embryos. I hope and pray, sweet baby, you are there! We are ready for you, our sweet miracle.
It was a long and exhausting day for both of us -- double the blood work for me, double the ultrasounds, and even blood work for Keal (he was NOT happy about this! Is it wrong of me to say part of me enjoyed that he finally had to do something a little physical?). Three hours spent in a doctor's office proved to be physically and mentally draining for both of us. And though Miracle Monday did not turn out quite how we wanted, there is still hope! We still believe that this miracle is in the works. I'm not quite sure why things are changing the way they are, and maybe I never will, but I will trust God no matter what. I am thankful that we have the opportunity to continue this month. And who knows, maybe tonight is the last shot I give myself before hearing good news! And if not, sweet one, I will take as many shots as I have to because you will be so worth it.
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| 11 PM tonight...last shot?? |
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| Not appreciating the thought of blood work! |
Miracle Monday pt 1
Last night felt like the night before the first day of school...I was giddy / anxious / excited, you name it, for today's appointment! Keal and I lay hugging in bed, when I whispered, "Go ahead."
I love that he now knows what that means.
He hugged me a little tighter and said a prayer for you. One of my favorite things about the way Keal prays when he prays for this miracle, is that he doesn't pray selfishly. He has never told God, "We need this baby," or "We really want this baby." Instead, he always prays that God grant us this miracle so that, "We give all honor and glory to you Lord. That when we get our miracle, we can praise your name for working this miracle." I fell asleep reflecting on this thought. How wonderful, every time I look into your eyes, I will be looking into the eyes of a miracle, a gift given to us directly from God. Every time I introduce you to someone new, I will be given the perfect opportunity to shout God's goodness to us and how He choose the perfect time to give us the perfect gift. Oh little one, I cannot wait for that day. Already, I am praising God's name for this miracle that he will work in our lives.
I woke up this morning, and before I looked at the clock I tried willing it to read 11 AM. Instead, it read 3 AM along with a text from my sister. Side note: I really need to get out of the habit of reading texts in the middle of the night. I usually forget I read them and never respond to that person. But this text I did not forget. I am thankful I read it.
I loved getting this beautiful experience in the middle of the night. It immediately restored my faith and helped me fall back asleep more peacefully.
As I'm preparing myself for today's appointment, I have been thinking about last October when we first did IUI. Back in October, we did not expect to be able to do IUI at all. It was our "bonus month," no shots, just pills. I feel like we are in a different place now. Everyone is now on their knees. "Lots of bold prayers going up for you today friend!" and "I've been thinking about y'all lots lately! Not sure what's going on in your world these days, but praying for you," were just two of the sweet texts I received from dear friends, lifting up the Lord's name in honor of us. We all realize how crucial this month is. This is it. Our last shot before seriously discussing IVF. I feel like this is just where God wanted us. On our knees, giving everything we have to Him. I have fully surrendered all control and am completely trusting God at this point. I know this is our month. I am so excited for today's appointment to hear how God has moved another step closer to our miracle and to you.
I love that he now knows what that means.
He hugged me a little tighter and said a prayer for you. One of my favorite things about the way Keal prays when he prays for this miracle, is that he doesn't pray selfishly. He has never told God, "We need this baby," or "We really want this baby." Instead, he always prays that God grant us this miracle so that, "We give all honor and glory to you Lord. That when we get our miracle, we can praise your name for working this miracle." I fell asleep reflecting on this thought. How wonderful, every time I look into your eyes, I will be looking into the eyes of a miracle, a gift given to us directly from God. Every time I introduce you to someone new, I will be given the perfect opportunity to shout God's goodness to us and how He choose the perfect time to give us the perfect gift. Oh little one, I cannot wait for that day. Already, I am praising God's name for this miracle that he will work in our lives.
I woke up this morning, and before I looked at the clock I tried willing it to read 11 AM. Instead, it read 3 AM along with a text from my sister. Side note: I really need to get out of the habit of reading texts in the middle of the night. I usually forget I read them and never respond to that person. But this text I did not forget. I am thankful I read it.
You and Keal have been on my mind all day long. I have prayed so much today and felt such a desire for tomorrow to come. I even sent a text to Carly and Mackenzie asking them to pray for you both tomorrow for our Miracle Monday since they've known bits here and there throughout this journey. I'm driving home from Aaron's and turned on k-love and usually I'm hesitant cause I fear I won't know any songs. But God is talking to me loud and clear, as soon as I turned it on it switched to Casting Crowns', "Praise You in the Storm." And now Sidewalk Prophets is playing and I'm a crying mess. Such a beautiful moment selfishly for me and for you both, I'm praying so hard and faithfully tonight. And I had never heard that Sidewalk Prophet's song, but thought how beautiful and relevant those lyrics were to you so I checked your Facebook to see if it had ever been a status....it was one of yours last week : )
I loved getting this beautiful experience in the middle of the night. It immediately restored my faith and helped me fall back asleep more peacefully.
As I'm preparing myself for today's appointment, I have been thinking about last October when we first did IUI. Back in October, we did not expect to be able to do IUI at all. It was our "bonus month," no shots, just pills. I feel like we are in a different place now. Everyone is now on their knees. "Lots of bold prayers going up for you today friend!" and "I've been thinking about y'all lots lately! Not sure what's going on in your world these days, but praying for you," were just two of the sweet texts I received from dear friends, lifting up the Lord's name in honor of us. We all realize how crucial this month is. This is it. Our last shot before seriously discussing IVF. I feel like this is just where God wanted us. On our knees, giving everything we have to Him. I have fully surrendered all control and am completely trusting God at this point. I know this is our month. I am so excited for today's appointment to hear how God has moved another step closer to our miracle and to you.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Strangely Dim
There is so much to be thankful for today! We headed out to yet another appointment. We went into
this appointment with hearts full of faith and excitement, believing
completely that God was going to work great things for us today.
My day started with encouraging words from my brother:
I know that my family is praying for me, but I sometimes forget that they are taking this journey right along with me. I forget that they are having their own special moments with God too while praying for you. This journey to you is so much bigger than just me wanting you. This journey is so much bigger than my family wanting you. This journey is all about our merciful God and the way He tenderly whispers, "I love you," throughout our individual lives. This journey is about being an example and a witness to the power of God, despite the struggle and pain this journey can bring too! As I read these texts from my brother, I felt as if it was God's way of wrapping His arms around my family and whispering to us that He is still in control of this journey. I felt a peace and comfort and immediately knew today's appointment was going to be a positive one.
As I pulled into the parking garage all of my Christian radio stations' reception went out...except for one. A song I had never heard was playing. Had other stations been available, I probably would have changed stations. But I kept it on and listened. I am so glad I did and was so blessed by the beautiful lyrics!
My day started with encouraging words from my brother:
As I pulled into the parking garage all of my Christian radio stations' reception went out...except for one. A song I had never heard was playing. Had other stations been available, I probably would have changed stations. But I kept it on and listened. I am so glad I did and was so blessed by the beautiful lyrics!
I've had all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don't know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can't see
Past the things I pray
Today
But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don't know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can't see
Past the things I pray
Today
But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don't look around
Any place I'm in
Grows strangely dim
How perfect! This journey to you has seemed like just that, the longest wait. Yet, when I focus my eyes on God, everything else grows dim. I feel like this past month I have been so much more focused on God and trusting His plan for us. I feel like my doubts and worries have truly faded. I know completely that you will soon be in our lives, little one!
As Keal and I sat in the examination room together, I looked over at him and said, "I'm nervous." He smiled and whispered back, "Me too!" He put his fingers to his wrist and said, "Seriously. You should take my pulse. I just want this miracle baby so bad." At that moment, we both bowed our heads, and both offered our own quiet pleas to God. In that moment, I felt so united as a couple, so united to God. It was such a personal, yet beautifully connected moment. I wonder if Keal will even remember it, it was that small and quick, but it was a moment I will treasure forever. We love you already, baby, and are praying so hard for you to make us a family of three!
After a somewhat long wait, the doctor finally came in. We were pleased to hear that the follicles are continuing to grow. The four follicles we had have now become six maturing follicles. Six is the limit. So, we continue to hope that these six grow, yet no more appear. Today, the doctor said, "It's just a matter of time. If more are going to grow, they're going to grow. There's nothing we can do to stop it, the wheels are already in motion." And I agree. God already has the wheels turning on this miracle.
We go back Monday for one last check. If there are seven follicles, then this month is stopped and we cannot continue with the treatments. I am thankful for this report. God has shown His hand in every appointment we have had. I am glad He has one more miracle to work before The Miracle.
I have all my faith in God at this point - all other worries and doubts are strangely dim. I am so looking forward to Monday's appointment to hear that God has provided us with another miracle.
Monday, April 22, 2013
We Need a Miracle cont.
Praising God for positive news!
- Wednesday - few / if any growing follicles
- Today - four maturing follicles!
- Wednesday - no real lining
- Today - thick lining, showing potential for a pregnancy
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