Twinning

Well boys, the length of your hospital stay has now surpassed my two stays combined, but your homecoming is definitely in sight. Saturday we spent the morning with you prepping you for your first two big Louisville games! Ryan, look at you, already working on your L.

While visiting, the doctor came over to prep us and see how we felt about one of you coming home before the other. We've known this has been a possibility from the beginning, so we were ready for this, but it will still be a difficult day. She continued by explaining that Wiley, she believed you'd be home in a day or two. In fact, she decided to take your feeding tube out and change your feeding orders to on-demand. You will continue to eat every three hours, unless you show "hungry signs" before that. We were thrilled!

Your daddy and I anxiously prepped that afternoon, thinking you'd be home by Monday...at the latest. 

This morning we were greeted with some exciting, as well as unexpected news. Wiley, for the first time you have passed up your brother in the weight department (by two-tenths of an ounce!). And even more exciting...you both broke five pounds!! In fact, preemie clothes are probably coming home, and newborn sized clothing brought to hospital tomorrow. You stinkpots also both had a destat last night (loving this twin thing - doing everything together already - the good and bad!). This means Wiley, you're guaranteed at least another 5 days and Ryan another 10 until your homecomings (5 until we stop caffeine and 5 more once off of the caffeine). If after those 5 and 10 days you've been destat free, you will come home. This was a bummer because Ryan your caffeine was going to be stopped Monday and Wiley we were ready to install the car seat. But, truthfully, we'd rather you stay longer than come home before your are perfectly ready. We've made it 40 days, so what's another few days in the grand scheme of things, right? Besides, you shouldn't even be born yet. This has all been bonus time for extra snuggles and kisses!

Merry Christmas

This week has been the most difficult for me emotionally. While you boys are doing beautifully, I'm starting to feel drained. The lack of sleep is starting to hit me. Having to plan my day and hospital visits around my hour and a half window between pumping is draining, when all I want is to be with you all the time! And finally, I had still been holding on to hope that you'd be home for Christmas. Reality set in this week as I had to finally accept that this wasn't going to happen. Which translates to...I've been a puddle of emotions!

However, Christmas Eve and Day turned out really nice. Your daddy and I were able to spend the morning and afternoon with you on both days. This Christmas has had us really refocus on the true purpose of Christmas. It wasn't about gifts this year - we decided not to exchange this year. It was about focusing on Christ's love.

How incredible that He willingly came to this earth to give His life for us. He is the only gift we should ever need. And yet, this year, He gave us two more gifts! Wiley and Ryan, you are the most beautiful and most precious gifts we could ever ask for. We are so blessed with two healthy little boys who are so very close to coming home. We love you very much, sweet boys!

Thankful

Today I found myself driving to the hospital in a state of frustration. I found myself starting to slip into the "whoa is me," mentality, using the dreaded, "It isn't fair," phrase just for a moment. It's not fair that I missed giving you your first baths. It's not fair that you aren't home yet. It's not fair that my maternity leave is being spent in a hospital without my babies with me at home. It's not fair...and on and on, I could've gone.

How incredibly foolish! What wasted energy today.

Yes, this isn't quite what we expected. And yes, it is terribly hard to leave you each day and to miss out on many of your firsts. But we are so blessed.

After years of struggle and pain, I have all I ever wanted in my arms. After a roller coaster pregnancy, unsure of what our end would look like, I have been given two perfectly healthy boys! Do you need a little extra care right now? Yes. But you are going to be just fine and for that we are so thankful. 

Once I arrived to the NICU, I found myself now thinking about what to do about work, bills, and the nonsense of everyday life I have to face. One of my favorite assistants happened to pass by our room as I was holding you guys. "This is it," she said. "This is what life is all about." As if she could read my thoughts, she continued on, "Money. Hmm, money comes and goes. But this, right here, your family, this is what really matters. Life goes too fast. Enjoy this because next thing you know they'll be walking across the stage graduating. Family and God that's what life is all about. Don't put your focus on money or things. Love your family and love your God....actually, reverse that. Love God first and then your family. If you put what really matters first, everything else will fall into place."

Amen.

No sense focusing on the negative. There is far too much beauty in our life to waste time on things that can't be changed.

Not long after, Aunt Aubrey texted me, "Did you ever listen to "thankful" by Josh Groban?" I hadn't. So, I looked it up.

Some days we forget to look around us
Some days we can't see the joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see

It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for

This year has been such an amazing roller coaster ride of the highest of highs and lowest of lows. But through it all, there's so much to be thankful for. Every time I pick you guys up, all negative thoughts are gone. There have been many moments this week that could have brought us difficult news, yet God has protected you through it all! Ryan, you gave us quite a scare Tuesday night. We prayed for you and God kept you safe. Thursday there were brain scans and eye exams - both went absolutely perfectly. Another answered prayer. Today, Ryan you had to have an echo to check your heart. Again, another opportunity for bad news, and yet God heard our prayers and the results came back great! There's so much to be thankful for!

Tonight, I pray that I don't "forget to look around," and "see the joy that surrounds us." Tonight, I pray that I stop getting "so caught up inside myself." And while I know I "can still do more, there's so much to be thankful for." I love you sweet boys and I pray for the strength to be an example to you both. I pray for the strength to continue on through this crazy NICU journey. I pray for your homecoming sometime soon! And I pray with a spirit of thankfulness for all the wonderful things we have in our lives!

Happy One Month

I walked in to your room today to see it all decorated for your big day!

Your nurses had decorated all of your cabinets for your "birthday." And what a wonderful sight to walk in on your special day and see those big ole isolates had been removed too.

Unfortunately, for you guys, you had a stressful day ahead of you. Your day began with another brain scan (easy-peasy) and was also going to include the dreaded eye test. I arrived much earlier than usual so that I could be with you long before the eye exam (drops at 10, test at 11) and immediately began to snuggle you two!

Your doctor came in to give me the daily update. Ryan, since going back on caffeine your destats have slowed back down and you haven't had one in nearly 24 hours! Woohoo! However, he also informed me that when listening to your heart today he heard a murmur. He's hoping tomorrow he doesn't hear it again, but if so they'll have to examine your heart more closely. We're praying that it goes away and this is nothing to be concerned about.

Soon after that news, the nurse informed me that the eye exam had been postponed until 2, maybe even later. She had also said it would probably be best that I wasn't there. I was so sad because I knew I wouldn't be there at two and wanted to be with you both for this test and afterwards to calm you down.

You were both saddened by this news too - Wiley you were already begging me not to leave you alone and Ryan, you went into prayer.

If I wasn't going to be there for the actual eye exam, I was definitely going to be back sometime after to check on you guys. While I was trying to work out the rest of my day, a new doctor walked into the NICU...it was the eye doctor! He was going to do the tests right now! While he spoke to your everyday doctor, my nurse let me know that she planned on taking you both to a back room in warmer beds for the test, but that I could wait in your room for your return.

The eye doctor returned and began setting up in your room. "I'll just do it right here, this is fine." The nurse turned to me, "Mom, you going to stay?" The eye doctor let me know he didn't mind if I stayed. And while I knew the nurse thought it was too intense for me to stay for, I replied, "Well, if my boys can survive the test, I surely can survive being in here with them." The doctor smiled, "I like your attitude, ma'am!"

So, we got in some final snuggles and smooches, I whispered some brave words to you guys, and offered a prayer for good results.

Wiley, you were up first, while I continued to hold you, Ryan. The doctor began to put the equipment onto your eyes and you began to wail! I wanted to go over and love on you, but had to stay back. So, I whispered to Ryan, hoping it would soon be over. Your crying didn't last long at all. I was so impressed with how bravely you handled the exam. And before we knew it, you were finished and the nurse was putting you back in my arms! The doctor looked at me with a smile, "He looks great!"

Ryan, I gave you a smooch and handed you off for your test, while comforting you, Wiley. Just like your big brother, Ryan, you passed with flying colors and hardly even cried! I have two tough little guys.

We snuggled some more, before going back to your cribs. After the test, you both slept so soundly - taking your temperature (which you usually scream louder for than the terrible eye exam you had!), changing your clothes, and getting a new diaper didn't even wake you. So, I smooched you each once more and let you recover.

We are so blessed that you are both healthy and continue to do well. Later this afternoon, we got the news that your follow-up brain scans came back normal! There is so much to be thankful for today. I cannot believe you are already a month old. Time is moving much too quickly! We pray that we'll soon be celebrating these monthly landmarks in our own home!

...One Step Back

Yesterday, we had another fabulous day together. When I arrived to your room, I was so excited to see the lids lifted up off of your isolates! Not only that, feeding orders had changed: no longer just trying once a day. As long as you were giving us "I'm hungry," cues we could nurse or give you a bottle. And finally, I didn't have to wait for a nurse to give me you. I have been taught how to unhook and hook up your monitors. So whenever I want, I can walk to your beds and pick you up. Sounds so small, but this is just so huge to me. Each tiny step forward helps me feel more like your mommy and less dependent on the nurses to take care of you.

Yesterday was a quiet day - just the three of us. I snuggled with you both, laying down on the couch. We listened and sung along to Christmas carols...I even read you "Twas the Night Before Christmas." Wiley, you really seemed to like it - keeping eye contact with me and smiling at me as I read. You both took your full bottles at 11:30, but were a little tired out at 2:30 so we stuck with the feeding tube.

That evening your Grandpa came back to visit with you. He hasn't seen you in person for awhile and was shocked at how big you had both gotten! Not only did Grandpa come by, but you also got to meet your Great Grandma Curran last night. She was shocked at how small you both were! While they were there, Daddy gave you a bottle, Wiley. Ryan you were still a little pooped out from earlier.

As we were getting into bed last night, we got another dreaded NICU call. I tried to stay calm, but when I heard it was the doctor and not the nurse on the phone, my heart instantly began to pound. Ryan, my dear, yesterday's excitement seemed to be just a bit too much for you. Within the past few days much had been changed: isolates open, caffeine stopped (helps with your breathing), bottle feedings as often as you want. They had tried giving you a bottle at 8:30, but you didn't take it all. Not long after, you began to have destat after destat. And not your typical destat. These were a bit scarier than usual - your color was drastically changing, heart-rate much too low, and it took a lot of stimulation to bring you back up. The doctor let us know that she believed you were just too tired from all the changes, but just to be safe she had had blood work drawn to make sure you weren't sick. She planned to restart your caffeine to help you out and would call us back within the hour to let us know how the labs had turned out (and if over an hour passed, she told us to call them back, in case things got busy).

I knew you were in good hands and being taken care of, but it's moments like these that makes me really hate not all being together. I tried not to spend the next hour in constant worry, but all I wanted was to be next to you, seeing for myself that you were okay. After 50 minutes from the first call, I was getting more anxious and was about to call them back. Instead, I decided to pray. I prayed for your protection and that the destats would slow down. I prayed that the doctor would call back now and would have good news. The second I whispered, "Amen," my phone rang! Sure enough, it was the doctor.

Thank God, your blood work came back perfectly normal. Also the caffeine was already back in your system and your destats had already begun to slow down. They were hoping to be able to keep your isolate open, but if you still seemed to be struggling, they'd close it to help take some more work / stress off your tiny body.

As soon as I woke up, I turned to your daddy, "Let's call the NICU." We were pleased to hear that the caffeine had really helped. Before giving you the caffeine, your destats were very consistent. You still had a few through the night, but they were a lot more sporadic. The destats had slowed down enough that they were even able to keep your isolate open for now. So, it seems like we pushed you just a little too hard, a little too fast, Big Guy. So, it's back to the caffeine to give you some extra assistance. I'm anxious to get to the hospital this morning, see you two, and give you both some extra snuggles!

Santa Claus is Comin' To Town

Last week, I felt like we were at a bit of a standstill. Not that you guys haven't been doing fabulous, just that the doctors haven't been making any changes because we have been really focused on you growing and getting stronger. As of last Thursday though, things have seemed to start taking off again and you have both been making big changes. This weekend and today was no exception!

Wiley, Daddy fed you for the first time on Sunday. You did amazing too and took 35 full cc's. Ryan, you were a little sleepy and we thought you wouldn't be able to feed, so, I got to give you a bath! At first, you didn't seem to like it, but quickly seemed to really enjoy it. Bath-time woke you up and you got your first try at a bottle too. You did a good job of learning how to coordinate your suck, swallow, breathe skills and took 10 cc's on your first try. 

Today, I arrived excited to see you guys and wasn't disappointed! We had such an incredible day...maybe one of the best! As soon as we arrived, I got to give you guys your bottles. Feedings have been increased again...now up to 40 cc's (woohoo! that's comparable to a typical newborn!). You both took the entire bottle!! I was just blown away at how well you did: no spitting up or choking. You both ate like ole pros! 

After finishing your bottle, Wiley you got to meet Aunt Aubrey, while I fed you, Ryan. After finishing your bottle, Ryan, you met her too! Not only did she hold you each alone, she also snuggled and loved on you both at the same time. Zsu Zsu also got time to love on her grand babies. It was such a wonderful afternoon!

Before leaving, I decided to put you guys into some cozy sleepers. So, into your adorable "My First Christmas," jammies you went. This turned into a great photo-opp! You two created quite the scene as all the nurses had to come take a peek to ooh and ahh over you. And as if things couldn't get any cuter, just five minutes later, Santa arrived! It was perfect! You got your first picture taken with Santa in your adorable Santa outfits.

And the day just kept getting better! Your daddy called me on his way home from the hospital to let me know the lids on your isolates had both been lifted. You have held your temps up all weekend and have now graduated to "cribs" (at this point still in the isolate, but without the top, so it's considered a crib). And lastly, we are now starting normal feedings at least twice, maybe even three times, a day! Such a great start to our fourth week, Little Guys. I just love watching all of these changes. We pray God continues to bless you guys and keep you safe. We know some day very soon, we will all be one happy family snuggled together at home!

34 Weeks

Wiley

• You did it Little Man, you now weigh 4 lbs even! You are eating 40 cc's every three hours over just 30 minutes (instead of the hour). Impressive.
• You are taking a full bottle once a day.
• You are so alert now; it is awesome. You hold eye contact for much longer periods of time, you like to look around and respond to voices, and you now cry for your feedings about 30 minutes before you're scheduled to eat. It is amazing to watch you grow and develop right before our eyes!

Ryan

• You now weigh 4 lbs 2 oz. You have caught up to your brother in the eating department - 40 cc's every three hours over just 30 minutes. Fabulous news!
• You are taking a full bottle once a day.
• You are a lot more alert now too, but you sure do love your naps! It's so fun watching you sleep. Even though your eyes are closed, you don't want to miss anything around you. You still smile with us when we laugh, even when you're sleeping!

We prayed so long for you two, our sweet Little Miracles. When I look at your faces, I still can't believe you are ours and you are already here with us. How is it that you are almost 4 weeks old?! Time is already moving much too quickly!