Sunday? Tuesday?? Friday?!

Deep breaths. Perfect timing. Deep breaths. Perfect timing.

Sunday was probably my most difficult day since beginning the homecoming countdown. There had been possible discharge dates ("before the new year," "by the new year," "by the end of the weekend," etc.), but never had we been told, "You will be going home on ____."

Sunday was our first official discharge date.

So, I anticipated it being a bummer of a day. However, "Tuesday, you will be going home," had already been stated. How perfect! Your 7 week birthday. It just made sense. So, I woke up Sunday excited to see you, knowing just two more days and you'd be home!!

That quickly changed. You both destated once again. I was so devastated. I just didn't understand. And so what do we do when we don't understand why things don't seem to be going the way we want? We blame someone else! I was so angry with the doctor who was on Saturday. We had been told we could keep your beds at an incline and just buy a wedge for your beds at home. When we came in Saturday, your beds were flat. I quickly pointed this out to the nurse, concerned it would cause a destat. Unfortunately, the orders had been changed and she couldn't raise you. Sure enough...you had a destat that night.

I was thankful our "December Doctor" was on Sunday, as he saw more eye-to-eye with our "January Doctor," and had your beds inclined again.

Monday morning I tentatively waited to hear your report...thank God, no destats! So, we go back to the 5 day countdown and pray you make it without any destats.

As bad as Sunday was, that's how great today was for me. Already I can see why Friday is a much better tentative date than Tuesday. (I pray this is the last adjusted discharge date, but if not, I will trust the new date is even better than Friday.) But here is why Friday is better than tomorrow:

1. Obscenely cold temps! We couldn't bring your sweet little bodies home in such freezing weather! And check out Friday's weather - a much better day for you two!

2. We have yet to take the infant CPR class since I had been hospitalized so early in the pregnancy. Last night I got online to sign up. The only date offered in the entire month of January? Wednesday, January 8th! Had you come home tomorrow, we wouldn't have been able to go. So now, we can take our class and bring you boys home well educated!

3. God has a better plan than we can make, so we trust each of these set backs! I know He will bring you home when you are ready for home; when you can be successful at home. You just have a very eager mommy who is ready to snuggle you whenever I want! And don't let him fool you, your daddy is just as eager too! I walked into our bedroom last night to see this...

We've had your bassinets ready to go, but yesterday he moved them into our bedroom. He is ready for you boys to be sleeping in them too!

We are so excited to bring you two home!! Could this be the week?! Ryan, you seem a little concerned...

...but don't worry, we sure are ready!

Perfect Timing

"God has perfect timing; never early, never late. It takes a little patience and a lot of faith. But it's always worth the wait."

These words are the background on my iPad screen and ones I keep repeating to myself today.

The day started with an entire bottle of spilt breast milk and a phone call from your daddy. I have to steal this because I can now definitely relate: "Who ever coined the phrase, "No use crying over spilt milk," obviously never spent hours expressing milk for their baby." While trying not to cry over the milk all over my floor, I was also informed by your daddy that you, Wiley, had another destat in the middle of the night. Sheesh. What a way to start our day! But, I tried to stay positive, knowing I'd rather you be monitored in the hospital then coming home still destating.

Once I got to the hospital, I was able to feed you both and love on you both before your second big eye exam. Last time you did great, so I was faithful this time would go smoothly too. Thank God, still no ROP, but let me say, two weeks has really strengthened your screaming abilities! Ugh, I hate the wailing - especially when I can't just scoop you up and comfort you. The doctor jokingly said, "I'd give Wiley a 6 and Ryan a 3 on the scream-o-meter." It amazes me that a 10 second test so quickly wipes you both out. As soon as the test was over, you were both snoozing soundly, so I tiptoed out to let you rest.

Your daddy was going to come visit you tonight, but unfortunately the roads got pretty bad and icy and he couldn't get there. Instead, he called to see how your afternoon went. Ryan, you little stinker, you had to follow your brother's lead and had your own destat.

You'd think if I was able to stay positive about Wiley's destat, then this one wouldn't upset me (it keeps you on the same schedule to come home together), but it had me feeling like you'd never be home (which I realize is a completely irrational thought, I'm just so ready to have you two home!).

And while already down, let's add one more blow...if one more person utters these words to me, I may lose my mind, "Don't worry, you will wish you could send them back once they're home." Most of the time, I think it's said to try and comfort me that this will soon be a distant memory and life will be hectic here. However, it is not comforting. I prayed too long and too hard to just get pregnant. I then prayed too long and too hard to keep my babies safe during a difficult pregnancy. And now, I'm praying too long and too hard for my babies to come home. This is all I ever wanted. I want the misery of sleepless nights (I already have them pumping...I just don't have my babies with me in the middle of the night!). I want the chaos of two babies screaming at the same time because they both need fed right that second. I want to feel the craziness of being a new mother. I especially resent these words when most people who are saying them got to bring their babies home with them right away; they never knew the stress of leaving their babies behind in the hospital for weeks on end. I realize that I don't even know how crazy life is going to be with two kids at home, but I am ready for our current craziness to be over and the joy of the normal craziness of parenthood to begin.

When you were first brought up to the NICU, we were cautioned, "You are going to be told that today's the day they go home and then something's going to happen. Their discharge date is going to have to be pushed back. And you will be frustrated, but don't worry., they will go home." And I know you will. I just think at this point we need to stop giving us an actual day. I was already planning our Sunday evening as a family of four at home! At this point, I would rather just show up one day and the doctors say, "They're ready to go home right now!"

And so in the middle of all this and the waiting for your homecoming, I will continue to whisper and trust, "God has perfect timing; never early, never late. It takes a little patience and a lot of faith. But it's always worth the wait."

Happy New Year

Today I re-read last year's New Year's post and reflected on the past two to three years.

As difficult as 2012 was, that's how wonderful 2013 was for our family. As with any year, we definitely had our ups and downs. Our family had to say our sudden and difficult goodbyes to Grandma. My pregnancy took some really scary turns and we were unsure of how things were going to end. But through it all, there was much to be celebrated. Some of my highlights from 2013 are:

• Monday, May 6th - IVF transfer
• Sunday, May 19th -we're pregnant!
• Monday, June 3rd - it's twins!!
• Thursday, July 18th - your daddy got baptized
• Monday, August 19th - saw Casting Crowns in concert
• Wednesday, August 7th - first time I felt you kick (on your daddy's birthday)
• Wednesday, September 4th - two boys!!
• Wednesday, September 25th - successful surgery
• Friday, October 11th - sent home from the hospital
• Saturday, October 26th - baby shower
• Sunday, November 17th - surprise hospital shower
• Tuesday, November 19th - you sweet miracles entered our lives!

Your daddy and I didn't quite make it to officially welcome in the New Year, but we ended our year the best way I know we could have - snuggling you sweet boys at the hospital. Once you both fell asleep, we tucked you back into your cribs and headed home to tuck ourselves into bed.

And just as we ended our year, we started the new year again loving on you two. Today was a very exciting day for us. When we first got there, I immediately noticed that...Ryan your feeding tube was gone! I mentioned it to the nurse and she replied, "Yep, he did that himself. He decided it was time to take it out...but don't worry, it's staying out! It was supposed to come out today anyway and he apparently knew that."

It's so exciting to see both of your sweet faces completely. During your feedings, we had to take a quick break for a photo-op.

It was at this time that your doctor walked in to update us on the day's changes. Ryan, she has stopped your caffeine. "I know we talked about them coming home separately, but how do you feel about them coming home together?" I wondered where she was going with this. Wiley, we've been hoping that you'd be coming home this weekend. While I'd love you to come home together, I didn't want it to be another ten days before anyone came home. She continued, "Ryan has shown significant progress and has really closed the gap. We stopped his caffeine yesterday, which means if he doesn't have any destats, he could really go home Sunday. That way they could go home together. How does that sound?"

How does that sound?! I thought I was going to burst into tears. All along I have worried about leaving one of you behind. How would I juggle taking care of you both, when once one of you leaves the hospital you wouldn't be able to return to your brother's hospital room? The thought of this has just eaten away at me. I never even let myself dream that you could come home together.

What an incredible way to kickoff 2014 with such hope and excitement. I pray that God continues to take care of you over the next few days. I pray for no more destats and that you continue to grow stronger so that you will both be ready to safely come home together this weekend. And I pray that 2014 holds many more blessings for our sweet family of four.

Home

Back when I was in the hospital, your daddy and I joked that whenever a doctor would come in we were going to start blaring Michael Buble's song Home, "Let me go home, I’m just too far from where you are, I wanna come home." 

Today, while sitting next to you, I listened while the twins next door got discharged. I was feeling a small sense of jealously, wondering when that would be us, as well as a sense of excitement knowing our time would be coming soon. I smiled, thinking maybe it was time for Mr. Buble's song to resurface for you boys and your doctors!

While watching the family next door prepare to leave, our family received very hopeful news. Wiley you have received the vaccine needed before discharge and you have your eye exam scheduled for Thursday. Everything that needs taken care of before going home seems to be happening! Ryan, don't worry, they are preparing for your homecoming too!! You are now feeding on demand too - you get to eat when you're hungry, not any set schedule. If this works okay today, you will lose the NG tube tomorrow. They may even stop your caffeine tomorrow too. I wanted to cry tears of joy with all this wonderful news. The doctor ended her recap by asking, "Is their room ready? They'll be going home very soon." I pray she is right. What a miracle you two are - so healthy and soon going home! What a fabulous day when the four of us are all together!

Twinning

Well boys, the length of your hospital stay has now surpassed my two stays combined, but your homecoming is definitely in sight. Saturday we spent the morning with you prepping you for your first two big Louisville games! Ryan, look at you, already working on your L.

While visiting, the doctor came over to prep us and see how we felt about one of you coming home before the other. We've known this has been a possibility from the beginning, so we were ready for this, but it will still be a difficult day. She continued by explaining that Wiley, she believed you'd be home in a day or two. In fact, she decided to take your feeding tube out and change your feeding orders to on-demand. You will continue to eat every three hours, unless you show "hungry signs" before that. We were thrilled!

Your daddy and I anxiously prepped that afternoon, thinking you'd be home by Monday...at the latest. 

This morning we were greeted with some exciting, as well as unexpected news. Wiley, for the first time you have passed up your brother in the weight department (by two-tenths of an ounce!). And even more exciting...you both broke five pounds!! In fact, preemie clothes are probably coming home, and newborn sized clothing brought to hospital tomorrow. You stinkpots also both had a destat last night (loving this twin thing - doing everything together already - the good and bad!). This means Wiley, you're guaranteed at least another 5 days and Ryan another 10 until your homecomings (5 until we stop caffeine and 5 more once off of the caffeine). If after those 5 and 10 days you've been destat free, you will come home. This was a bummer because Ryan your caffeine was going to be stopped Monday and Wiley we were ready to install the car seat. But, truthfully, we'd rather you stay longer than come home before your are perfectly ready. We've made it 40 days, so what's another few days in the grand scheme of things, right? Besides, you shouldn't even be born yet. This has all been bonus time for extra snuggles and kisses!

Merry Christmas

This week has been the most difficult for me emotionally. While you boys are doing beautifully, I'm starting to feel drained. The lack of sleep is starting to hit me. Having to plan my day and hospital visits around my hour and a half window between pumping is draining, when all I want is to be with you all the time! And finally, I had still been holding on to hope that you'd be home for Christmas. Reality set in this week as I had to finally accept that this wasn't going to happen. Which translates to...I've been a puddle of emotions!

However, Christmas Eve and Day turned out really nice. Your daddy and I were able to spend the morning and afternoon with you on both days. This Christmas has had us really refocus on the true purpose of Christmas. It wasn't about gifts this year - we decided not to exchange this year. It was about focusing on Christ's love.

How incredible that He willingly came to this earth to give His life for us. He is the only gift we should ever need. And yet, this year, He gave us two more gifts! Wiley and Ryan, you are the most beautiful and most precious gifts we could ever ask for. We are so blessed with two healthy little boys who are so very close to coming home. We love you very much, sweet boys!

Thankful

Today I found myself driving to the hospital in a state of frustration. I found myself starting to slip into the "whoa is me," mentality, using the dreaded, "It isn't fair," phrase just for a moment. It's not fair that I missed giving you your first baths. It's not fair that you aren't home yet. It's not fair that my maternity leave is being spent in a hospital without my babies with me at home. It's not fair...and on and on, I could've gone.

How incredibly foolish! What wasted energy today.

Yes, this isn't quite what we expected. And yes, it is terribly hard to leave you each day and to miss out on many of your firsts. But we are so blessed.

After years of struggle and pain, I have all I ever wanted in my arms. After a roller coaster pregnancy, unsure of what our end would look like, I have been given two perfectly healthy boys! Do you need a little extra care right now? Yes. But you are going to be just fine and for that we are so thankful. 

Once I arrived to the NICU, I found myself now thinking about what to do about work, bills, and the nonsense of everyday life I have to face. One of my favorite assistants happened to pass by our room as I was holding you guys. "This is it," she said. "This is what life is all about." As if she could read my thoughts, she continued on, "Money. Hmm, money comes and goes. But this, right here, your family, this is what really matters. Life goes too fast. Enjoy this because next thing you know they'll be walking across the stage graduating. Family and God that's what life is all about. Don't put your focus on money or things. Love your family and love your God....actually, reverse that. Love God first and then your family. If you put what really matters first, everything else will fall into place."

Amen.

No sense focusing on the negative. There is far too much beauty in our life to waste time on things that can't be changed.

Not long after, Aunt Aubrey texted me, "Did you ever listen to "thankful" by Josh Groban?" I hadn't. So, I looked it up.

Some days we forget to look around us
Some days we can't see the joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see

It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for

This year has been such an amazing roller coaster ride of the highest of highs and lowest of lows. But through it all, there's so much to be thankful for. Every time I pick you guys up, all negative thoughts are gone. There have been many moments this week that could have brought us difficult news, yet God has protected you through it all! Ryan, you gave us quite a scare Tuesday night. We prayed for you and God kept you safe. Thursday there were brain scans and eye exams - both went absolutely perfectly. Another answered prayer. Today, Ryan you had to have an echo to check your heart. Again, another opportunity for bad news, and yet God heard our prayers and the results came back great! There's so much to be thankful for!

Tonight, I pray that I don't "forget to look around," and "see the joy that surrounds us." Tonight, I pray that I stop getting "so caught up inside myself." And while I know I "can still do more, there's so much to be thankful for." I love you sweet boys and I pray for the strength to be an example to you both. I pray for the strength to continue on through this crazy NICU journey. I pray for your homecoming sometime soon! And I pray with a spirit of thankfulness for all the wonderful things we have in our lives!