January 14th

It may not seem like it, but I am really trying hard to fight the pity-party mode. I am trying to thank God for the small things every day that He gives us. I am trying to thank Him throughout everyday for my incredible life. I walk by the baby clothes in stores and try not to get depressed that I'm not picking clothes out. I see commercials on TV about babies and pregnancy, and I try not to get down that it doesn't apply to me. There are babies everywhere I turn, and I'm really trying to not let it get to me. But tonight, I have hit an all-time low. Tonight, I feel like I was hit by a truck. Tonight, I am feeling angry, sad, and alone. And it is probably going to seem odd when I tell you what triggered it.

As we were climbing into bed, Keal picked up his phone, read a message, and instantly began typing back. I nonchalantly asked Keal, "Who ya' texting?" And he causally responded, "Callie. Everything went good." And in that second, my stomach began to turn. I had forgotten. She went to the doctor today and Keal had texted her earlier to see how it went. I wanted to shout, "STOP! That's fine - forget I asked." But before I had time (because this all happened in about, oh 0.01 seconds), he continued, "Yep, she's about 9 weeks. That's pretty far along, right? She's due January 14th." My brain was spinning. How was he spitting these facts out so carelessly? How could he not see the look on my face of my heart being ripped out of my chest.

Yes, you are right. I already knew she was pregnant. So, I'm sure you're wondering why this was such a new low for me. I guess it's because this doctor's appointment made her pregnancy so real, and mine....not. I guess deep down, a piece of me was hoping she had misread her pregnancy test and this was all one big mix-up, that she wasn't really pregnant. But instead, I now have a truly pregnant sister-in-law with baby number two on the way, and me still completely un-pregnant.

I just could not handle this news tonight. My heart has been pounding. I have been shaking. I have been close to vomiting. I have been sobbing. I have been heartbroken. I have been confused. And I have been angry. I have tried so hard to fight the pity-parties, and tonight, I just can't shake it. I don't understand -- why not us? We have done everything right. We have prayed and waited until we felt God told us it was time to start trying to have you. We have planned and saved for you. We made sure we had a house in which you could securely grow up. It's not like we rushed into this decision. So, why not us? Why does it feel like everyone else is getting their baby (or babies in this case!) and not us?  I just don't understand. I know this is such a childish phrase, but it really is so unfair!

Okay, that is enough. Pity-party is now over. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better (which is silly to say because today really was such a great day - I'm sad it ended with me feeling so down). Hopefully, tomorrow I will fight these pity-parties. I know we will one day have you - I truly do - it's just sometimes hard to see that in the midst of discouragement.

So, let's end positive. I thank God for these trials we are facing. I thank God because I know when we finally meet you, we will say, "It is only because of God that we have you," and we will know that you are our miracle baby. I thank God because He is going to give Keal an opportunity to see His hand move first hand. I thank God for these valleys because they will make me appreciate the mountains so much more. "Men are that they might have joy!" and we would not know that joy without feeling the pain every now and then. So thank you Lord for everything!

"Troubles they don't last always for there's a friend in Jesus who will wipe your tears away. And if your heart is broken just lift your hands and say, Oh I know that I can make it. I know that I can stand. No matter what may come my way, my life is in your hands."