Out of Difficulties Grow Miracles

The past week has been very difficult and I know this week is just going to get more difficult. My nephew will be making his arrival this Wednesday. And while this is a very joyous and exciting time for the family, I can't help but feel pain, sadness, and even anxiety in this new chapter.

I find myself constantly reflecting back on when Callie told us she was pregnant. We had already been long into our fertility struggle. I remember how upset she was when she told us, knowing it was going to be difficult for us. And while I was upset, jealous, whatever you'll call it back in May, in the back of my mind I knew we'd soon be pregnant. I knew that when her precious baby arrived, we'd at least be pregnant with our miracle.

So, here we are, less than two days away from baby Logan's debut and we are nowhere closer to you. Just typing those words, my heart rate has truly become elevated. Thinking about Wednesday literally causes a physiological reaction for me. I have minor panic attacks every time I think about it. I have dreamt about it every night for over a week now. I haven't even been able to blog about this for over a week now because I couldn't admit to such ugly feelings.

I haven't held a baby in over a year now (by choice - it's just always too painful) and the thought of this baby makes my hands shake. Will I cry when I see him? Will I be able to even see him? Will I have to hold him? Will I want to hold him? I feel such an inner turmoil and don't know how to stop it. I love babies. I want to love this baby. Yet I can't when I'm so jealous of this beautiful, precious gift they have been entrusted with when we haven't been entrusted with our own miracle. 

Right now, this is my computer's background:

I keep trying to remind myself of this. Well today, I finally noticed the bible verse at the bottom of this beautiful quote and realized I hadn't read this. So, I decided to do some reading. Here are some of the verses I loved from the fifth chapter:

In the same way, you younger men must obey the church leaders. Be gentle as you care for each other. God works against those who have pride. He gives His loving-favor to those who do not try to honor themselves. So put away all pride from yourselves. You are standing under the powerful hand of God. At the right time He will lift you up. Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you. Keep awake! Watch at all times. The devil is working against you. He is walking around like a hungry lion with his mouth open. He is looking for someone to eat. Stand against him and be strong in your faith. Remember, other Christians over all the world are suffering the same as you are. After you have suffered for awhile, God Himself will make you perfect. He will keep you in the right way. He will give you strength. He is the God of all loving-favor and has called you through Christ Jesus to share His shining-greatness forever. God has power over all things forever. Let it be so.

I finished reading this chapter and felt such an understanding. I have tried to be an example to others through this journey, but I have definitely let this journey get the best of me this past month or so. It is okay to have pain and sadness, but I have allowed myself to dwell in a place of discouragement...and that is not okay. 

"You are standing under the powerful hand of God. At the right time He will lift you up. Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you." I have felt so alone this past month and now I realize it's because I am trying to tackle this journey on my own. God loves each of us and wants to take care of His children, but I must give those fears to Him in order for Him to take care of me.

"The devil is working against you...stand against him and be strong in your faith." Of course baby Logan is causing such turmoil in my life. I am allowed to be sad if sadness enters. I am allowed to be angry if that's what I feel. But I can't let the devil win and take over so much of me right now. I need to stand against him and find the joy and beauty in the birth of Logan. Because Callie and Matt are getting another baby does not mean I will not one day have mine. It just means now is not my time. I must be strong in my faith and trust God's plan for me.

"Other Christians over all the world are suffering the same as you are." I often feel so alone in this journey. I often get into my states of, "Oh poor me, we have it so bad when everyone else is starting their families. No one knows how hard this is..." I first need to realize there are others out there in just as much pain, and more, than I am. I need to get off the me, me, me mindset and start thinking about others. I have been called to love and comfort others. If I am so wrapped up in myself, how can I love others?

"After you have suffered for awhile, God Himself will make you perfect. He will keep you in the right way. He will give you strength." And my personal favorite! When He is ready, when our suffering is to be ended, God will make us perfect! And in that perfection, He will give us you!

I need to stop worrying about everyone around me. I need to focus on Christ's love for me and trust His plan for me and for our family. Yes, there will be things that are challenging, painful, and at times that seem downright unfair. But more important than those moments, I must remember that God is working His magic in me and perfecting me to His will. And for that, I will trust Him, I will praise Him, and I will stand strong in my faith!