One of Those Days

So overall I feel like I have tried to be positive throughout this entire experience. However, today I feel like I need just a moment of weakness to vent. So, I apologize in advance, but here are some things that have me down...

Going through the struggle of infertility is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It is full of a pain, fear, and emptiness unlike anything I have ever experienced. Looking back though, it has showed me that I am far stronger than I would have ever dreamed. It has taught me to truly appreciate the miracle of pregnancy at possibly a deeper level than others. Not to say other mothers don't appreciate pregnancy, I just feel like I have a very different perspective. So while our infertility struggle was probably the most painful and difficult experience of our lives, I learned a lot. 

That being said, there has always been a part of me that feels like we were robbed out of the chance to become parents naturally. In the beginning we prayed hard and trusted God would make us parents one way or another. But the constant (two and three times a week) doctor's appointments are taxing. We lost the joy and surprise of finding out if we were pregnant in private. I felt like the whole world knew my body's schedule and were waiting with us. And while it was wonderful to have such a support system, it just wasn't what "normal" couples got to experience. 

Once we were finally pregnant and celebrated our news, I vowed never to complain about any pregnancy pains. We had prayed too hard for this miracle for morning sickness or aches and pains to discourage us. We were going to soak up everything about pregnancy!

Now, as I sit here in my hospital bed, part of me is feeling a little discouraged that now I'm missing out on the beauty of pregnancy. I see pictures of other pregnant women out enjoying this fabulous experience and can't help but feel jealousy. Or I hear other women complaining about being uncomfortable (as I'm camped out in a hospital indefinitely) and can't help but get angry. It just seems cruel to me that we were robbed out of normal fertility, and now I feel like we've been robbed of this pregnancy. 

All my life I have dreamed of becoming a parent. I so badly want to experience "nesting" and preparing your sweet nursery. I want to be able to go shopping for the perfect coming home outfit. I want to take maternity pictures in a park with your daddy. I want to struggle to figure out how to put your car seats in for the first time. I want to wash, fold, and put away your sweet clothes. I wanted to enjoy every day of my pregnancy. I just never saw us being trapped in a hospital for, possibly, weeks on end. 

And yet, in the midst of my discouragement today, please know boys I have not lost sight of the bigger picture. It was just six weeks ago that doctors were preparing us for the worst and doubted we should even dream about seeing 25 weeks pregnant. And here we are, one day shy of 28 weeks! So while I feel like I've been robbed out of becoming pregnant naturally and now enjoying pregnancy, I still thank God. There were days when we thought becoming parents may just not happen for us. Not only are we going to be parents, but we get to be parents twice! And while our journey to parenthood may not be like that of what normal couples experience, we are thankful. I praise God for the miracles I feel constantly kicking and moving within me. I pray He continues to shelter you two and keep you safe. I pray that I continue to hold on to my faith and strength in the weeks that lie ahead of us. I am so looking forward to that moment when I hear your first cries and can finally hold my perfect babies in my arms. Please know how much you are already loved, Little Ones. I would do anything to protect you.