Brave

Today has been one of those down days. Today has been one of those days where I can't help but wonder why, can't seem to shake the anger or jealousy.

I heard this song today and instantly thought of you. "In the face of what I don't understand. My reason to be brave." This was not a journey anyone could have prepared for. This is not a journey we always understand. All we can do is trust that God's plan is much better than ours. All we can do is hold on to our faith and know you are waiting for us at the end of this journey. So though it is hard, you are my reason to be brave and we will continue on.

Wake up, wake up, the sun cannot wait for long.

Reach out, reach out before it fades away.

You will find the warmth when you surrender.

Smile into the fear and let it play.

You wanna run away, run away and you say that it can't be so.

You wanna look away, look away but you stay cause' it's all so close.

When you stand up and hold out your hand.

In the face of what I don't understand.

My reason to be brave.

Hold on, hold on, so strong, time just carries on.

And all that you thought was wrong is pure again.

You can't hide forever from the thunder.

Look into the storm and feel the rain.

Go on, go on...

You wanna run away, run away and you say that it can't be so.

You wanna look away, look away but you stay cause' it's all so close.

When you stand up and hold out your hand.

In the face of what I don't understand.

My reason to be brave.

Merry Christmas

Christmas is...
1.) A time to celebrate the birth and life of our living savior
2.) A time to spend with loved ones, celebrating all we have
3.) A time to reflect on another year
4.) A time of peace and love
5.) My most favorite holiday!

While I thought you would be here by now, I am finding myself still so thankful for much in my life. It would be easy to jump on the pity-party train, but there is too much goodness and joy in my life. I am sure there will be moments of difficulty today, but we are beyond blessed to be spending another Christmas with our wonderful family.

Today the morning started quiet, with our sweet family of two snuggled on the couch, sipping our coffee together. I took in the beauty of our home and the still moment this morning, knowing that perhaps this would be our last quiet Christmas morning; perhaps next year we will be that family of three. So, this morning I celebrate our quiet, restful morning. I celebrate my husband and our life. But most importantly, we celebrate our Savior!

Happy Birthday, Jesus and Merry Christmas!

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

It's is often said that before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. I really wish the people in my daily life could just walk one day in my shoes, even Keal doesn't really quite get what I go through on a daily basis.

We are less than two weeks away from Christmas and just the thought of it sends my heart racing. I really don't want to have to deal with it. I was supposed to have you by this Christmas, and worse case scenario, if we didn't have you, we'd be pregnant. So to have neither, it is just so hard to deal with right now.

Friday we got together with some of Keal's family. Being around the babies, their toys, and pregnant bellies is just too much for me to handle right now. So the thought of Christmas can truly almost give me a panic attack. I really wish I could just stay home this Christmas, keep my door closed, and pretend it's just another day.

It probably doesn't make sense to anyone. People want to say to stop thinking about myself, suck it up and deal with it. And I wish I could say, just walk one day in my shoes.

The Climb

This week has been somewhat difficult for me. I'm struggling with feelings of jealousy and sadness. I hate this feeling, but I just can't seem to shake it. I see pregnant women and feel jealous. I see precious babies and have to turn and look the other way. I want nothing to do with any of it ~ which is not me at all. I was always the person first to pick up a baby and play with them. I now find myself looking the other way and avoiding them at all costs.

I'm trying to shake the anger that seems to come with it too. Today, my sister-in-laws will be celebrating the joy of their little ones with their double baby shower. Today should be a day of happiness. And yet, I find myself so saddened. I can't help but think, "but this should be mine too." And I know one day it will be. But today, it hurts.

I have heard this song for the past four days every morning on the radio while driving. This song is over three years old, so the fact that it has randomly been on the radio four days in a row, I feel like it's been meant for me.

I keep trying to remind myself to enjoy "the climb." I can't keep getting so wrapped up in what we don't have; in how hard this journey can be, but instead I need to just keep climbing. I need to keep in mind that at the end of this journey to you, the climb and struggle to you is what is going to make it all worth it. The pain and tears are okay, but no matter what, I "just gotta keep goin', and I gotta be strong, just keep pushing on."

I won't give up on this journey to you, no matter how difficult some days may seem.

Bittersweet

Well, today has been a crazy, hectic, bittersweet day. And as crazy, stressful as it was at school, I was almost thankful for it because it kept my mind off feeling sad about this journey.

Today I should've been calling the doctor to make an appointment to start another month of treatment. Saturday I would've been starting the pills all over again, and Tuesday would have started yet another round of the shots.

My first feeling was sadness. Even though we knew the medications didn't work this month, there is always a piece of me that hopes that this could be our miracle month because I know that God is bigger than the medication. So, when I found out we weren't pregnant this month, I was first very sad. It can be challenging to stay positive when this journey feels so long and unending. But, I continue to hold fast to that hope. I know our miracle is waiting to happen.

After the initial sadness passed, I was really quite grateful to not be calling the doctor today. It is hard not to be so [negatively] wrapped up in this journey when your schedule revolves around the constant doctor's appointments, needles, and pills. The medications are all finally out of my body and I feel myself coming back. I'm not quite so mopey or focused on this journey. I'm not quite so snippety or agitated with everyone around me. I feel like me again.

So, though I was hesitant at first to take time off from the doctor's, I am already feeling grateful for this decision. I know God has a plan for us and we will trust Him and follow His guidance. We will patiently wait for you little one. And while waiting, we will continue to count all the blessings we have in our life. And who knows, maybe God is going to work this miracle without the need of doctor's at all. No matter what His plan, we will have faith and hope that He will work this miracle in our life.

A Moment to Catch our Breath

Well, today we were given some disappointing news.

The shots just aren't working this month.

Keal and I had some conversations prior to this appointment and had decided that if this month didn't work, we were going to just take some time off to catch our breaths. Life has seemed to be spinning pretty quickly out of control the past month or so. All within the last sixteen days, we have: found out we're not pregnant, started the daily shots (and did them for a solid week), and then found out it didn't work. That is a lot to process in just two weeks! Plus, work is getting stressful. The medication is taking its toll on me (physically and mentally). Right now, we just need to get back on our feet again.

So, we aren't giving up on you, little miracle. But we are going to get refreshed and refocused. December is just two days away and life will be hectic during the holiday season. I think if we added fertility treatments to the stress of the holidays, it would've just been madness. Keal and I can take this month to enjoy each other: no more medicine, no more constant doctor appointments, no more needles. Just a month or so for us.

The first time I heard this song, I was pulling into the parking garage of the doctor's office back in August. That was the day we found out we had to call off the shots and cancel IUI. I was so angry when I heard it because I just felt like it was confirmation that we would receive bad news that day - and we did. I heard this song again today, driving home from this appointment.

Our healing didn't come today. And yes it hurts. Yes, I'm feeling some sadness, anger, and confusion; I feel as if my life could so quickly fall apart. But through it all, as the song says, we will trust God always, knowing that He is working all things for our good. We will set our faith in who He is and know our healing will someday come.

Here's hoping this is the last one...pt 2

Well, it wasn't the last one....but today wasn't bad news either. So, I count it a good appointment.

The shots seem to be triggering some growth. Thankfully, at this point, it hasn't triggered too much growth either, like it did last time. However, there wasn't enough progress to say, yes, let's try IUI again. So, we keep at it, slow and steady. A few more shots this week, go back for yet another appointment, and we'll go from there.