Encouraging Words

After picking myself back up on Sunday, I found myself randomly filled with anger again on Monday night. I took it out on Keal, blamed it on surface-level problems, but never truly acknowledged where this anger was coming from.

Saturday night, I had had a very quick, but nice exchange between one of Keal's family members. I later thanked her over Facebook for her kind words, but never heard back from her...all God's plan! Because I heard from her this morning, when I needed to be picked up again.

I am so thankful for her kind words, for acknowledging our pain, and offering wonderful words, "Hang in there Courtney - stay close to God - stay close to Keal." So true. This journey is trying on both Keal and I, and we both handle it differently. But through our differences, we need to stay united to each other and God.

I am so thankful for how God is working in my life, as well as those around me who are following His lead to continue picking me up on this journey.

Rise

The past two months I have found myself in a good place with some bad days, while back in the fall, I was in a bad place with good days. Unfortunately, Sunday (and moments since then) has found me in a bad / angry place.

Sunday, I was met....or shall we say, blindsided....by the news of another pregnant person. Because there was no warning, I was so overcome by my own sadness. Throughout this journey, church has been a place of peace and encouragement for me. And so, to add salt to the wound, this person is a member of my church. As if my sister-in-laws weren't enough, the one place where there were no babies or pregnancies, the one place of peace, is now tarnished with someone else who is pregnant.

Sunday afternoon, on my comatose-like-state drive home, I heard this song, which was so comforting to me:

Each of these lines and verses seemed so perfectly fitting for me. "Sometimes my heart is on the ground and hope is nowhere to be found; love is a figment I once knew and yet I hold on to what I know is true." Yes, I have those days of feeling hopeless in this journey, but even on those days, I hold on to my faith and my trust in God.

"From this trouble I have found and this rubble on the ground I will rise, cause He who is in me is greater than I will ever be and I will rise." Sunday found me down, but I have to remind myself, that I will rise. And I won't rise because of my own strength, but through God's strength, I will overcome this small bump, and this journey, and I will rise.

Happy Valentine's Day

Sick on Valentine's = yummy treat from Mom, get well goodies from the hubby, and a ridiculous mask so he doesn't get sick too!

Okay, so Valentine's Day isn't really my thing. I find the whole thing kinda silly. And even though we weren't able to go to church on Sunday, I really loved the Valentine's Day message, "If You Were in Love, Could You Tell? If So, Who Would You Tell?" The five stages of love were presented:

1. Preparation (focus on taking care of self, perfection, and readying for one's significant other)
2. Infatuation (physical attraction, blind love)
3. Illumination (seeing one another within a more realistic viewpoint)
4. Evaluation (determining next steps - stay or go?)
5. Maturation (making a commitment with full understanding)

Afterwards, it was suggested that a Valentine's Day card could be sent to God. We are asked to "love the Lord thy God...with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind," Matthew 22:40 / Deuteronomy 6:5. So, while I celebrate my love for my family and hubby today, I thought, I'd take the challenge and send my Valentine's Day card to God. So, here it goes...

Dear Lord,
I am speechless at the thought of all you have done and provided for me in my life. You have shown me unconditional love since the moment I was born. You chose me as one of your own long before I chose you. When I have fallen, you have continued to love me and pick me back up. When I have cried to you, you have wrapped me tightly in your arms and rescued my hurting heart. When I have celebrated the blessings in my life, I know they were from you. I want to thank you for all of the beauty and love in my life.

This Valentine's Day marks the 12th Valentine's Day we have celebrated together. I thank you for holding me up through those 12 years. With you by my side I made it through high school and college. I accomplished my dream of becoming a teacher and made it through graduate school. With you by my side I married my best friend, the man you set aside in life just for me. With you by my side, I have faced my most difficult challenge in my life, my journey to our miracle baby.

I thank you for not leaving me, even in my darkest hours, when I seemed so lost and confused by this journey. I thank you Lord, for loving me unconditionally. I thank you for forgiving me for those moments when I doubted or questioned your plan for me. I thank you for this beautiful life and the most perfect love you have shown me on a daily basis. I thank you for the plan you have for mine and Keal's life - we trust you completely - and wait for the day when you give us our miracle. I thank you for sending your son for my soul. I thank you for the hope of everlasting life. I thank you Lord for loving me, regardless of my shortcomings. Thank you, Lord, for everything.
Happy Valentine's,
Courtney

The question was asked in church, "If you were in love, could you tell?" It is my hope and prayer, that admist this challenging journey to you, that my life still reflects a deep and passionate love for my Lord. I hope that people look at my life and can tell that I love the Lord. I hope that through our pain, our life reflects one of hope and faith. It is my daily prayer that my life reflects some strength in the Lord through our journey to you. And one day, it is my most strongest desire to share this love of the Lord with you. It is my prayer that you too will know I love the Lord and that you will embrace Him in your own life. I hope you have as beautiful of a love story with Him as I have.

And as I often do, when my own words fail to express my feelings, I find God speaking to me through lyrics. So, here is a Valentine's song that expresses my love for my Lord and Savior!

You are the song,
You are the song I’m singing.
You are the air,
You are the air I’m breathing
You are the hope,
You are the hope I needed.

If I had no voice,
If I had no tongue,
I would dance for you like the rising sun.
And when that day comes and I see your face.
I will shout your endless glorious praise 

You are the song,
You are the song I’m singing.
You are the air,
You are the air I’m breathing
You are the hope,
You are the hope I needed. 

 

 

Hands Were Heavy

I am so blessed that through this journey to you, we have been given such support by our friends and family. I often find myself feeling unable to truly express and convey to others how difficult this journey is...every single day. There are common, everyday things that happen, that people just don't realize how painful they are. And I realize that unless someone has been through a similar journey, they really won't know the pain Keal and I feel on a daily basis.

So, when people reach out to us, it is really such an upliftment to me. It makes me feel like we haven't been forgotten; that people are remembering our journey to you. I am so thankful for the simple texts I have recently received. They give me such a peace and comfort. I find myself calling out to God throughout each day for our miracle. But when I know there's more than just my voice calling for His hand to be moved...wow, what a beautiful feeling!

After getting the courage to finally meet Logan, a beautiful text from my mother-in-law acknowledging the difficulty of that meeting and acknowledging the prayers for you!

Two perfect, most needed texts from my dad, reminding me that he is always praying for us and for you!

And then finally, I received a beautiful card from my mom today:

Dear Court,
There's not an hour of the day that I don't whisper your name to God!! Life is sometimes so very difficult and unfair - but, I'm thankful for God because it would be much worse without Him and His promises. I will whisper your name until I can whisper my grandchild's name!! I will be your Aaron - I'm holding you up to our Savior.

I love you more than anything - and God loves you even more!!
Mom

I have always loved the story of Aaron, holding up Moses' arms when they grew too tired. Exodus 17: 12, "But Moses hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon; and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands, the one on the one side, and the other on the other side; and his hands were steady until the going down of the sun." 

I loved that my mom referenced this story; it gave me such a beautiful visual. I know those closest to us may not know exactly what we are going through, but the beautiful thing is, they don't have to know exactly what this journey is like. What they do know is that sometimes our arms grow weary. What they do know is that sometimes we need someone else to lift our arms for us. So I know, that our friends and family are holding mine and Keal's arms up. I know they are lifting their voices to the Lord for us; for the strength through this journey; and for you, our miracle! And I know they won't stop steadying our arms until "the going down of the sun," when you sweet one, are in our arms.

Foolish or faithful?

Each month, I can't help but get a little hopeful that maybe this will be the miracle month...even when we aren't actively doing treatments. In fact, on these off-months, I think I am even more hopeful / faithful that God will give us this miracle. And each month I wonder, am I being faithful or just foolish for getting my hopes up? Well, this month was no different...

Today, I officially met Logan. I had been in the same room as him a week ago, but he was in a car seat and I never truly saw him. Today I saw him. I looked at him. And I held him. Yes, there was pain. But it was also nice to hold a baby. It was such a conflicting moment - I was loving having a baby in my arms...and then I reminded myself he wasn't my own, and that's when it hurt. But through the pain, I reminded myself, this could be our month. Tomorrow I would take a pregnancy test because it seemed like maybe, just maybe, God was working this miracle.

I left their house feeling an emptiness, but not the sadness I thought I would. I was able to shed a few, selfish tears and then flipped on the radio to find song after song was from my Let Faith Arise playlist. I felt God with me and was so comforted by that.

I got home tonight to find out that this will not be our miracle month. I was instantly overcome with such an anger. Why tonight? Why on the night I brave holding my nephew do I find, yet again, we still aren't pregnant? At first, I wanted to curse God, but I quickly realized, this is not God. This was totally the devil, attacking the personal success I had had tonight; attacking the fears I had overcome tonight.

Yes, I am hurting tonight. I am wondering why and wondering when it'll be our time. But through it all, I will continue to trust God's plan - through the joys and through the pain, I will continue to trust Him. I found this picture online today - how perfect to remember this for today, for this journey, and for our lives!

Out of Difficulties Grow Miracles

The past week has been very difficult and I know this week is just going to get more difficult. My nephew will be making his arrival this Wednesday. And while this is a very joyous and exciting time for the family, I can't help but feel pain, sadness, and even anxiety in this new chapter.

I find myself constantly reflecting back on when Callie told us she was pregnant. We had already been long into our fertility struggle. I remember how upset she was when she told us, knowing it was going to be difficult for us. And while I was upset, jealous, whatever you'll call it back in May, in the back of my mind I knew we'd soon be pregnant. I knew that when her precious baby arrived, we'd at least be pregnant with our miracle.

So, here we are, less than two days away from baby Logan's debut and we are nowhere closer to you. Just typing those words, my heart rate has truly become elevated. Thinking about Wednesday literally causes a physiological reaction for me. I have minor panic attacks every time I think about it. I have dreamt about it every night for over a week now. I haven't even been able to blog about this for over a week now because I couldn't admit to such ugly feelings.

I haven't held a baby in over a year now (by choice - it's just always too painful) and the thought of this baby makes my hands shake. Will I cry when I see him? Will I be able to even see him? Will I have to hold him? Will I want to hold him? I feel such an inner turmoil and don't know how to stop it. I love babies. I want to love this baby. Yet I can't when I'm so jealous of this beautiful, precious gift they have been entrusted with when we haven't been entrusted with our own miracle. 

Right now, this is my computer's background:

I keep trying to remind myself of this. Well today, I finally noticed the bible verse at the bottom of this beautiful quote and realized I hadn't read this. So, I decided to do some reading. Here are some of the verses I loved from the fifth chapter:

In the same way, you younger men must obey the church leaders. Be gentle as you care for each other. God works against those who have pride. He gives His loving-favor to those who do not try to honor themselves. So put away all pride from yourselves. You are standing under the powerful hand of God. At the right time He will lift you up. Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you. Keep awake! Watch at all times. The devil is working against you. He is walking around like a hungry lion with his mouth open. He is looking for someone to eat. Stand against him and be strong in your faith. Remember, other Christians over all the world are suffering the same as you are. After you have suffered for awhile, God Himself will make you perfect. He will keep you in the right way. He will give you strength. He is the God of all loving-favor and has called you through Christ Jesus to share His shining-greatness forever. God has power over all things forever. Let it be so.

I finished reading this chapter and felt such an understanding. I have tried to be an example to others through this journey, but I have definitely let this journey get the best of me this past month or so. It is okay to have pain and sadness, but I have allowed myself to dwell in a place of discouragement...and that is not okay. 

"You are standing under the powerful hand of God. At the right time He will lift you up. Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you." I have felt so alone this past month and now I realize it's because I am trying to tackle this journey on my own. God loves each of us and wants to take care of His children, but I must give those fears to Him in order for Him to take care of me.

"The devil is working against you...stand against him and be strong in your faith." Of course baby Logan is causing such turmoil in my life. I am allowed to be sad if sadness enters. I am allowed to be angry if that's what I feel. But I can't let the devil win and take over so much of me right now. I need to stand against him and find the joy and beauty in the birth of Logan. Because Callie and Matt are getting another baby does not mean I will not one day have mine. It just means now is not my time. I must be strong in my faith and trust God's plan for me.

"Other Christians over all the world are suffering the same as you are." I often feel so alone in this journey. I often get into my states of, "Oh poor me, we have it so bad when everyone else is starting their families. No one knows how hard this is..." I first need to realize there are others out there in just as much pain, and more, than I am. I need to get off the me, me, me mindset and start thinking about others. I have been called to love and comfort others. If I am so wrapped up in myself, how can I love others?

"After you have suffered for awhile, God Himself will make you perfect. He will keep you in the right way. He will give you strength." And my personal favorite! When He is ready, when our suffering is to be ended, God will make us perfect! And in that perfection, He will give us you!

I need to stop worrying about everyone around me. I need to focus on Christ's love for me and trust His plan for me and for our family. Yes, there will be things that are challenging, painful, and at times that seem downright unfair. But more important than those moments, I must remember that God is working His magic in me and perfecting me to His will. And for that, I will trust Him, I will praise Him, and I will stand strong in my faith!

Happy New Year

Last night, I lay in bed reflecting on 2012. I turned to Keal and said, "Wow, 2012 was rough." He agreed that this was probably one of our most difficult years as a couple, but we did celebrate some of the good things that happened. Some of the things Keal mentioned:

1. We did not lose any close family members this year. A few years past, we lost 3 grandparents all within six months. Instead, we have been blessed to see our families growing! We have welcomed in new spouses and children into our growing family.
2. We had a wonderful (and productive) summer: vacationing, campout, gardening, and building a patio.

Some other things in 2012 to celebrate:

1. Have gotten much closer to God and increased my faith greater than I ever thought imaginable
2. I completed my 4th (and maybe favorite) year of teaching, said goodbye to some really awesome kids and was rewarded with another spectacular 5th year class!
3. Had a weekend getaway with Keal to Gatlinburg
4. Became closer as a couple

And even if this year has been more difficult, we have definitely learned a lot through our challenges this year. Things I have learned through our pain:

1. Patience. Patience. Patience. I am still working on this one. I know that through this journey, we are being taught to trust God's plan and to be patient with His time. I have definitely learned patience this year. Even the fact that we have decided to take three months off of the treatments is teaching me patience. This is something I know I have not mastered because there are still days where I wonder, "Why God? Why not now? Why them and not us?" But I know these questions are okay. I am sure 2013 will continue to teach me patience too.
2. You can't control everything! Again - still a work in progress! I have let go of a lot in my life this year though. I no longer try to plan treatments around a possible due date - it'll happen when it happens. I no longer have a need to have every minute of each day planned out. I have even learned to let go of my need for planning in my classroom. If something comes up in my room that is more important than what the plan book says, than I make the most of those teachable moments and focus on them!
3. I am stronger than I ever thought -- physically and mentally. Every time I think I'm faced with something I can't do, I do it! We have champed the needles (whether from a doctor or myself - I have definitely overcome this fear!). When faced with family get-togethers that just don't seem like I will get through, I have. I survived a weekend trip with pregnant sister-in-laws, Christmas gatherings centered on babies and kids' toys, and other family gatherings that seemed too difficult.
4. I have married the perfect man for me. This year has not only been tough on us as we try to become parents, but it has been so difficult for us as a couple. I found an article the other day, "Infertility Etiquette," that had such an important opening two paragraphs:

   Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
   The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

   Through this past year, I have definitely been grieving this journey. Grief is a funny thing and can often put a strain on any relationship -- especially when couples tend to grieve differently. Keal and I absolutely grieve differently, and so when he doesn't always react the way I do, it strains a relationship; there is a disconnect between the two of you. So in spite of all that, to still be so happy and in love with Keal and our marriage, I know, without a doubt, that God put this man in my life to carry me through this journey.

And with the end of anything, comes the start of something new. So, for 2013 here are my hopes:

1. That I will continue to hold on to my faith and trust God's plan
2. That I will continue to deal with the happiness and pain this journey will bring
3. That I will bravely face some very near challenges with the birth of my two nephews
4. That my marriage will continue to develop and grow stronger
5. That I will continue to pray for God's guidance in all of the decision making this journey brings
6. That God will bless our family of two with a peace and happiness until we become our most desired family of three

My wish for me...and for you....

 I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.