Hopefully Waiting

What a beautiful, exciting, emotional, hopeful day.

I thought I was good and ready to go. But let's first set the stage as to how nervous / anxious I really was beforehand. At 12:30, I was to take a Xanax to help calm my nerves before this procedure. At 12:31, sitting in the front seat of my parents' car, I took a swig of my Gatorade and threw the pill back. At least that was my plan. I threw that pill so far back and so completely far away from not just my mouth, but my entire head too! Gone. It fell underneath the seat. I mean really. Who does that?! So, the calm collected person I am, went into full panic. Lucky for me, my dad (the ever calming force) came to the rescue and found the tiny pill under my seat. So, at 12:33 I took the magic pill. At about, oh 12:45, I was starting to feel good.

Keal, my mom, dad, and I all arrived at the doctor's office right on time. I have had plenty of moments of breakdowns throughout this journey. There have been countless doctor appointments where I have left completely devastated. Countless car rides home have been done in hysterical sobbing. But I have always kept it together inside the office. I don't know why, but I always feel like I need to be strong once I'm there. Today was the exception.

We had been joking around and just casually talking in the waiting room, when Keal said, "Yep. They're gonna transfer the eggs." I quickly corrected him, "Embryos. They're more than eggs now! They are transferring life into my body today." And as I uttered those words, I immediately teared up with the power and weight of those words. I couldn't help but to be overcome with emotion in that waiting room. I rested  my head on Keal's shoulder, my rock, and prayed a quick and silent prayer.

Before I knew it, we were being whisked back to the same room as last Wednesday. Again, I got to sport my fancy gown and slippers. When I came out of the bathroom from changing, I saw Keal modeling his own scrubs and slippers. I felt such a peace! We had hoped he would be joining me, but weren't quite sure.

After we were both prepped and ready, we saw pictures of our fifteen embryos. Incredible. Five had not quite developed correctly. But the others were looking good...two specifically looked great. So, we agreed that they were the two we'd transfer. The rest, they'll watch for one more day and then freeze for a later date (because we know this round is going to take! But hey, some day you are going to need a brother or sister!).

From there, we walked back to the procedure room (a little dizzily....gotta love that Xanax!). Both of my doctors helped get me situated and before I knew it, it was over! Keal held my hand the entire time, as we locked eyes throughout it all, praying for our sweet miracle. It was such a tender, beautiful moment we shared. Completely united together as a couple and a family.

After an easy, practically painless, procedure, we then got to spend 30 quiet minutes alone. There was no one significant moment during this period, but just being next to Keal, holding his hand, knowing of the hope that waits before us, was powerful. At one point he kissed my hand, as I whispered yet another silent prayer. He rubbed my belly and talked to our precious embryos, encouraging them to grow and implant. The joy and hope felt in this moment was so wonderful. There is not a more perfect man in the world for me to be taking this journey alongside. I thank God daily for Keal in my life. He has been such a rock for me through it all.

And now Little One comes the hardest part of all. No, it's not the needles (I've champed that!). It's not the countless pills (bring on the side effects, I can take it). It's the waiting. It's the agonizing, day by day waiting of hearing that God has worked this miracle.

Today, starts my bed rest regiment, lasting all the way through Thursday (they snuck in one extra day of bed rest on me today!). I am probably the worst at this. I am a multi-tasker, busy bee, gotta always be moving type gal. So, to be stuck on my couch (they don't even want me doing my stairs!) for the next three full days, is going to definitely be a challenge. But, if I've done all I've done up to this point, I know I can do this too! I have scripture nearby, papers to grade, books to read, gadgets to play with, and oh yes, a giant test on Saturday to study for! So, I'm sure I can stay "busy" while keeping my body still. I have some great "nurses" taking care of me this week.

I keep reminding myself, "I'm waiting on You Lord. And I am peaceful. I am waiting on You, Lord. Thought it's  not easy, but faithfully, I will wait." I love you Little One, and pray that God is bringing you to us soon!

first meal my sweet hubby got me: my mom's homemade chicken and dumplings!

let the resting begin!

enjoying bed rest and keeping me company! great nurse!

Miracle Monday Take Two

Well, it was just one week ago today that we headed into our appointment expecting great things from God on our Miracle Monday. It was one week ago today that life changing decisions were having to be made at the spur of a moment. Life suddenly became a swirl and a typical 15 minute checkup became a 3 hour visit! It was one week ago today, that though things had not gone quite as planned, we had found God still with us on our Miracle Monday.

And here we are, one week, one surgery, twenty eggs retrieved, and fifteen embryos later...ready for our Miracle Monday, again! I know God is going to work this miracle, we just must have had Miracle Monday's switched up, that's all! We didn't realized God was going to need a couple Monday's for this great miracle. So here we are, Miracle Monday Take Two!

At the start of this journey, I had always said I didn't really want to have to go the route of IVF. Ever since I had been told I was infertile, I have felt an emptiness within me. Making a baby should be a beautiful act of love between a husband and a wife. The thought of "making a baby" in a doctor's office just broke my heart in the beginning. But at least with IUI, I could tell myself that there was still a chance that you were made by love. IVF seemed so much more calculated. So void of love.

Today, we go into the office to select the embryos we will transfer. My sweet miracle, God has already began forming you. In the beginning this seemed like a devastating thought to me. It's just not how it's supposed to be.

But I must say, as I await this appointment today, I realize how wrong I have been. Were you made the way most babies are made? No. There's no denying that. Your journey into life started a little different than most. But does that mean that you weren't made and born out of love? Absolutely not! You Little One, were made out of more love than maybe most sweet babies. You were made after years of prayers. You were made after years of sacrifice and tears. You my precious one, were made out of more love than you will ever know.

I thank God that our Miracle Monday is already upon us. I thank God that I can say with all faith believing, the end of this journey to you is in sight, and the start of a new and beautiful chapter is about to begin. I thank God that in just a few short (please go fast!) weeks we will hear wonderful news. I thank God, Little One, that you were made out of complete and pure love. I love you more than you know and can't wait until the day I finally wrap you in my arms.

Holy Bloated Belly, Batman!

I woke up this morning expecting to go to school today. This would allow me to get ready for the three days I'm missing next week, talk to my kids and generally explain what is going on, and make sure they are confident and ready to start state testing next week.

I woke up at five and slowly made my way to the bathroom. Well, that five step walk was just too draining. I was sprawled out on the bathroom floor, dizzy and in pain. School was impossible. I tossed around the idea of trying to go in for a half day or maybe just pop in for a half hour to talk to my kids. But it just isn't possible.

Today, I am plopped on the couch, heating pad on, trying not to move any bit of my poor, bloated belly! I did not really anticipate this type of pain today. In my mind, they had removed those twenty crazy follicles, today I'd be skipping through fields and having a cheery ole time. I had even texted my brother on Tuesday, telling him I'd be good to run again by Thursday. Ha! Instead, my body is trying to replenish all the fluids that were removed. My body thinks those twenty follicles are still there. Silly body. So, instead I'm all laid up in bed and on the couch today, trying to breathe through these cramps and continuing to take countless medications!

sheesh! that's a lot of drugs!

As I was laying here today, I was reading from Jesus Calling and reading some of the corresponding scripture. Here was today's message:

Living in dependence on Me is the way to enjoy abundant life. You are learning to appreciate tough times, because they amplify your awareness of My Presence...When you feel tired, you remember that I am your Strength; you take pleasure in leaning on Me. I am pleased by your tendency to turn to Me more and more frequently, especially when you are alone.

I loved this message, especially today! I have definitely learned to appreciate tough times through this journey. My relationship with the Lord has never been closer. And for this I am so thankful. Today has been a very difficult day physically, but I am thankful that I have a wonderful savior to lean on to get me through this. And through it all, I continue to remind myself, that you sweet one, are waiting for us at the end of this journey!

The Retrieval

I am so thankful for how perfectly everything went today. When we first arrived, we were brought straight back into the room where they would prep me for surgery. I immediately got to sport my fancy schmancy gown and slippers.

lookin' good

After that began a long list of yes / no questions that we had to answer. Our nurse was so incredibly kind and was so thorough in explaining everything that was going to happen. During her explanation, Keal was taken back to a separate room, so he missed the explanation of the day's process. When he returned, she was kind enough to go over the entire step-by-step process again for Keal's peace and comfort. (Which I was thankful for too because there was a lot of information to take in!)

After about 30 minutes of talking / waiting, Kit showed up. She herself gave me my IV and got me started on a couple "martinis" and "liquid hakuna matata's" as she called them. I instantly felt the effects! I was dizzy, loopy, and ready for a nice long nap.

IV in!

and already feeling good!

Just a few minutes later, we were ready to begin. Keal headed back to the waiting room, while I made the slow and dizzy walk back to the procedural room. There, I got on the table, got situated, and was fed the anesthesia that would put me to sleep. I was fearful it would take awhile, but all I remember is the burn of the medicine and then, I was OUT!

I woke up, back in the bed I started in, to see my mom and Keal smiling back at me. It was at this moment that we were given good news, after good news! They were able to retrieve twenty eggs!! They are all at different maturity, but this is a great starting point. Today, they will begin fertilizing those eggs and creating the embryos. Hopefully we will have a few great embryos to choose from.

This wasn't the end of the good news though! My body has calmed down some from all of the shots I have been taking. So, we got the okay to do the transfer on Monday! I was just ecstatic to hear such wonderful news today.

Now, I am tucked away, relaxing in bed, fighting off the pain and nausea. But as always, it is totally worth it to get to you, sweet one!

Little One

Before going into surgery, I asked if Keal would please add a post to our blog. What a beautifully honest letter he wrote. Little One, you have one special daddy waiting for you!!

May 1st
Morning of IVF egg retrieval.

Little One,
What a day of mixed emotions. The sun is shining with a warm 82 degrees. All of which is masked by the storm brewing in my mind, body, and spirit. I have feelings of excitement, nervousness, fear, anger, and joy. Hopefully today is the day the roller coaster starts applying its brakes to slowly come to a stop. Hopefully one day soon we can look back at our journey of ups and downs and think "that was hard but we did it". Bringing you, Little One into the world will be our greatest triumph.

Your momma is currently back in surgery, where I just got to admire her courage, elegance, and bravery that she exhibited. I hope you get those qualities from her. What she has gone through during this procedure has been remarkable. She loves you with all her heart, yet you don't even exist yet. Little One, we are waiting patiently for your arrival. Come quick so that we can share you with all the great people that have influenced and shaped us, so that they may help shape you too.

I love you Little One. And know that I will come to know you soon.
Dad

Before the Morning

The first song I heard when I woke up this morning was one I had heard countless times before. Today though, it was as if I had heard it for the first time. As with so many of "my" other songs, it was as if someone had written these lyrics for me.

I go into today with an open-heart, trusting God's plan for us. I know He is with us today and have felt His presence with us all morning. Following "Before the Morning," every other song on the radio this morning has been from my Let Faith Arise playlist. In that small gesture, He is whispering He loves us and is holding us close to Him today.

The song asks, "would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing 'cause the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming?" We absolutely dare to believe, little one! We will believe that this miracle is going to happen through all the ups and downs of this journey! We will "hold on, wait for the light." We will "press on" and "fight the good fight." We know that "the pain we've been feeling is just the dark before the morning." We are praying for that morning to arise!

Courageous

Well, yesterday I got to begin a new mix of crazy medications. By the end of this week, I will be on six different things (yikes!). Last night, while at my parents, I introduced the first new medication into the mix.

About three hours later, and after a nap, I woke up in a crazy sweat, shaking, nauseous, and ready to faint. In the midst of this crazy reaction, it was now 11 o'clock and time for my trigger shot (notice the shaking hands. I wish this was a side effect, but it's not...I don't know why but the syringe is so much more intimidating than my nifty pen).

After a long, sleepless night, I awoke to find the headaches and dizziness haven't gone anywhere. While driving to work I was reminded, "We were made to be courageous. We were made to lead the way...The only way we'll ever stand is on our knees with lifted hands. Make us courageous. Lord, make us courageous." So, I'll put on my brave face and be courageous today. I will face this day and pray for God's comfort along the way. I keep telling myself this is all going to be worth it. And I know it will be. But, God, we need our miracle!