Happy One Month

I walked in to your room today to see it all decorated for your big day!

Your nurses had decorated all of your cabinets for your "birthday." And what a wonderful sight to walk in on your special day and see those big ole isolates had been removed too.

Unfortunately, for you guys, you had a stressful day ahead of you. Your day began with another brain scan (easy-peasy) and was also going to include the dreaded eye test. I arrived much earlier than usual so that I could be with you long before the eye exam (drops at 10, test at 11) and immediately began to snuggle you two!

Your doctor came in to give me the daily update. Ryan, since going back on caffeine your destats have slowed back down and you haven't had one in nearly 24 hours! Woohoo! However, he also informed me that when listening to your heart today he heard a murmur. He's hoping tomorrow he doesn't hear it again, but if so they'll have to examine your heart more closely. We're praying that it goes away and this is nothing to be concerned about.

Soon after that news, the nurse informed me that the eye exam had been postponed until 2, maybe even later. She had also said it would probably be best that I wasn't there. I was so sad because I knew I wouldn't be there at two and wanted to be with you both for this test and afterwards to calm you down.

You were both saddened by this news too - Wiley you were already begging me not to leave you alone and Ryan, you went into prayer.

If I wasn't going to be there for the actual eye exam, I was definitely going to be back sometime after to check on you guys. While I was trying to work out the rest of my day, a new doctor walked into the NICU...it was the eye doctor! He was going to do the tests right now! While he spoke to your everyday doctor, my nurse let me know that she planned on taking you both to a back room in warmer beds for the test, but that I could wait in your room for your return.

The eye doctor returned and began setting up in your room. "I'll just do it right here, this is fine." The nurse turned to me, "Mom, you going to stay?" The eye doctor let me know he didn't mind if I stayed. And while I knew the nurse thought it was too intense for me to stay for, I replied, "Well, if my boys can survive the test, I surely can survive being in here with them." The doctor smiled, "I like your attitude, ma'am!"

So, we got in some final snuggles and smooches, I whispered some brave words to you guys, and offered a prayer for good results.

Wiley, you were up first, while I continued to hold you, Ryan. The doctor began to put the equipment onto your eyes and you began to wail! I wanted to go over and love on you, but had to stay back. So, I whispered to Ryan, hoping it would soon be over. Your crying didn't last long at all. I was so impressed with how bravely you handled the exam. And before we knew it, you were finished and the nurse was putting you back in my arms! The doctor looked at me with a smile, "He looks great!"

Ryan, I gave you a smooch and handed you off for your test, while comforting you, Wiley. Just like your big brother, Ryan, you passed with flying colors and hardly even cried! I have two tough little guys.

We snuggled some more, before going back to your cribs. After the test, you both slept so soundly - taking your temperature (which you usually scream louder for than the terrible eye exam you had!), changing your clothes, and getting a new diaper didn't even wake you. So, I smooched you each once more and let you recover.

We are so blessed that you are both healthy and continue to do well. Later this afternoon, we got the news that your follow-up brain scans came back normal! There is so much to be thankful for today. I cannot believe you are already a month old. Time is moving much too quickly! We pray that we'll soon be celebrating these monthly landmarks in our own home!

...One Step Back

Yesterday, we had another fabulous day together. When I arrived to your room, I was so excited to see the lids lifted up off of your isolates! Not only that, feeding orders had changed: no longer just trying once a day. As long as you were giving us "I'm hungry," cues we could nurse or give you a bottle. And finally, I didn't have to wait for a nurse to give me you. I have been taught how to unhook and hook up your monitors. So whenever I want, I can walk to your beds and pick you up. Sounds so small, but this is just so huge to me. Each tiny step forward helps me feel more like your mommy and less dependent on the nurses to take care of you.

Yesterday was a quiet day - just the three of us. I snuggled with you both, laying down on the couch. We listened and sung along to Christmas carols...I even read you "Twas the Night Before Christmas." Wiley, you really seemed to like it - keeping eye contact with me and smiling at me as I read. You both took your full bottles at 11:30, but were a little tired out at 2:30 so we stuck with the feeding tube.

That evening your Grandpa came back to visit with you. He hasn't seen you in person for awhile and was shocked at how big you had both gotten! Not only did Grandpa come by, but you also got to meet your Great Grandma Curran last night. She was shocked at how small you both were! While they were there, Daddy gave you a bottle, Wiley. Ryan you were still a little pooped out from earlier.

As we were getting into bed last night, we got another dreaded NICU call. I tried to stay calm, but when I heard it was the doctor and not the nurse on the phone, my heart instantly began to pound. Ryan, my dear, yesterday's excitement seemed to be just a bit too much for you. Within the past few days much had been changed: isolates open, caffeine stopped (helps with your breathing), bottle feedings as often as you want. They had tried giving you a bottle at 8:30, but you didn't take it all. Not long after, you began to have destat after destat. And not your typical destat. These were a bit scarier than usual - your color was drastically changing, heart-rate much too low, and it took a lot of stimulation to bring you back up. The doctor let us know that she believed you were just too tired from all the changes, but just to be safe she had had blood work drawn to make sure you weren't sick. She planned to restart your caffeine to help you out and would call us back within the hour to let us know how the labs had turned out (and if over an hour passed, she told us to call them back, in case things got busy).

I knew you were in good hands and being taken care of, but it's moments like these that makes me really hate not all being together. I tried not to spend the next hour in constant worry, but all I wanted was to be next to you, seeing for myself that you were okay. After 50 minutes from the first call, I was getting more anxious and was about to call them back. Instead, I decided to pray. I prayed for your protection and that the destats would slow down. I prayed that the doctor would call back now and would have good news. The second I whispered, "Amen," my phone rang! Sure enough, it was the doctor.

Thank God, your blood work came back perfectly normal. Also the caffeine was already back in your system and your destats had already begun to slow down. They were hoping to be able to keep your isolate open, but if you still seemed to be struggling, they'd close it to help take some more work / stress off your tiny body.

As soon as I woke up, I turned to your daddy, "Let's call the NICU." We were pleased to hear that the caffeine had really helped. Before giving you the caffeine, your destats were very consistent. You still had a few through the night, but they were a lot more sporadic. The destats had slowed down enough that they were even able to keep your isolate open for now. So, it seems like we pushed you just a little too hard, a little too fast, Big Guy. So, it's back to the caffeine to give you some extra assistance. I'm anxious to get to the hospital this morning, see you two, and give you both some extra snuggles!

Santa Claus is Comin' To Town

Last week, I felt like we were at a bit of a standstill. Not that you guys haven't been doing fabulous, just that the doctors haven't been making any changes because we have been really focused on you growing and getting stronger. As of last Thursday though, things have seemed to start taking off again and you have both been making big changes. This weekend and today was no exception!

Wiley, Daddy fed you for the first time on Sunday. You did amazing too and took 35 full cc's. Ryan, you were a little sleepy and we thought you wouldn't be able to feed, so, I got to give you a bath! At first, you didn't seem to like it, but quickly seemed to really enjoy it. Bath-time woke you up and you got your first try at a bottle too. You did a good job of learning how to coordinate your suck, swallow, breathe skills and took 10 cc's on your first try. 

Today, I arrived excited to see you guys and wasn't disappointed! We had such an incredible day...maybe one of the best! As soon as we arrived, I got to give you guys your bottles. Feedings have been increased again...now up to 40 cc's (woohoo! that's comparable to a typical newborn!). You both took the entire bottle!! I was just blown away at how well you did: no spitting up or choking. You both ate like ole pros! 

After finishing your bottle, Wiley you got to meet Aunt Aubrey, while I fed you, Ryan. After finishing your bottle, Ryan, you met her too! Not only did she hold you each alone, she also snuggled and loved on you both at the same time. Zsu Zsu also got time to love on her grand babies. It was such a wonderful afternoon!

Before leaving, I decided to put you guys into some cozy sleepers. So, into your adorable "My First Christmas," jammies you went. This turned into a great photo-opp! You two created quite the scene as all the nurses had to come take a peek to ooh and ahh over you. And as if things couldn't get any cuter, just five minutes later, Santa arrived! It was perfect! You got your first picture taken with Santa in your adorable Santa outfits.

And the day just kept getting better! Your daddy called me on his way home from the hospital to let me know the lids on your isolates had both been lifted. You have held your temps up all weekend and have now graduated to "cribs" (at this point still in the isolate, but without the top, so it's considered a crib). And lastly, we are now starting normal feedings at least twice, maybe even three times, a day! Such a great start to our fourth week, Little Guys. I just love watching all of these changes. We pray God continues to bless you guys and keep you safe. We know some day very soon, we will all be one happy family snuggled together at home!

34 Weeks

Wiley

• You did it Little Man, you now weigh 4 lbs even! You are eating 40 cc's every three hours over just 30 minutes (instead of the hour). Impressive.
• You are taking a full bottle once a day.
• You are so alert now; it is awesome. You hold eye contact for much longer periods of time, you like to look around and respond to voices, and you now cry for your feedings about 30 minutes before you're scheduled to eat. It is amazing to watch you grow and develop right before our eyes!

Ryan

• You now weigh 4 lbs 2 oz. You have caught up to your brother in the eating department - 40 cc's every three hours over just 30 minutes. Fabulous news!
• You are taking a full bottle once a day.
• You are a lot more alert now too, but you sure do love your naps! It's so fun watching you sleep. Even though your eyes are closed, you don't want to miss anything around you. You still smile with us when we laugh, even when you're sleeping!

We prayed so long for you two, our sweet Little Miracles. When I look at your faces, I still can't believe you are ours and you are already here with us. How is it that you are almost 4 weeks old?! Time is already moving much too quickly!

More Firsts

Wednesday:

• Wiley you took your first bottle - 10 cc's. For it being the first bottle, you did a good job of working on sucking, swallowing, and breathing. Keep it up, bud!

Thursday:

• Wiley you officially met Zsu Zsu when she got to hold you.
• You both showed your Cardinal pride by modeling Zsu Zsu's hat
• Ryan you got to nurse for the first time and did a great job, too!

Friday:

• They turned the heat on your isolates down to room air and you have both kept your body temps up. Which means....it's big boy clothes for you guys now! I will have to bring you some outfits tomorrow!
• You were finally awake while next to each other. 
• You met your Nanny!
• Ryan you hit the 4 pound mark!! We love how much you are both growing! Don't worry Wiley, you're only one ounce away from 4 pounds too!
• Your daddy finally held you both at the same time. 

Keep it up guys - it has been a great week and we have high hopes for next week too!

When I Leave the Room

I wish I had written these words myself. This song / album was written after dealing with postpartum depression. And while that isn't my experience, I can't help but feel connected to these words as I leave your room each day, leaving you in the hospital. And all I can do is hit my knees and pray that God watches over you each night that I am not by your side.

Good night
Looks like we made it through the day
The moon sighs
And I know that we're okay
 
Sleep tight
I love to watch you drift away
I would come with you but on my knees I'll stay
 
Good night
Five little fingers holding mine
Take flight
Into your dreams and lullabies
 
There's nothing more that I can do
But just fall more in love with you
And ask the angel armies to stand by
When I leave the room
 
I'm gonna fail you
I already have
Ten thousand times
I will fall down flat
 
You'll have a seat in the front row
Of everything I don't know
And all I'm trying to be
You'll see
 
Good night
There will be storms that we come through
In time
We will slay dragons me and you
 
I'll always wanna hold you tight
Keep you safe with all my might
So I will leave Jesus next to you
When I leave the room
 
And you will run ahead
As if you know the way
And I will pray more
Then one should have to pray
 
There will be words we can't take back
Silences too
And I'll be on my knees
You'll see
 
One night
When I am old and unsteady
You'll want me to fight
But I'll tell you that I'm ready
 
When there's nothing left to do
I will still be loving you
Then you'll fold your fingers into mine
And I will let Jesus hold you tight
When I leave the room 

Lift Up My Life

Faith is such a funny thing. Maybe not faith. Maybe it's mankind that is funny. Through the ups and downs of our fertility struggle, I trusted God would make us parents one way or another. And yet, as much as I believed that, there were days I questioned His plan. Once we got pregnant, I told everyone, "They'll be perfect. God has brought us too far not to bless this pregnancy." And yet we found ourselves in the hospital, begging God to keep you both safe. And again, there were days I questioned His plan.

Now, here we are, finally with the only thing we ever wanted. We are parents and so incredibly thankful for the miracle of your all's lives. And yet, I'm embarrassed to say, my human brain still gets in the way. I find myself slipping and asking God why we can't have you at home. I find myself asking why we don't get to experience these first weeks and maybe months like "normal" parents. I find myself still struggling as I leave you each day, even though I know you are in good hands.

As I was driving to the hospital today, I began pouring my heart out to God singing along to, "Lift My Life Up." It was such a perfect and much needed wake-up call. The lyrics are right on point to what we, as a family, are going through:

You brought me this far, so why would I question You now
You have provided, so why would I start to doubt
I've never been stranded, abandoned or left here to fight alone
So I'm giving You control

I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in Your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up

Have Your way in me
Have Your way in me
 
Take my life and let it be all for You
Take my life and let it be all for You

No, the norm is not what God has planned for us. But He has provided us with you precious miracles, so why would we ever doubt His plan? In our darkest days of this journey, God has been by our side the entire time. So, why question Him?

Instead, as I promised at the water's edge on July 9, 2000, I lift my life up to Him. I lift my heart up. And though I know I will fall countless more times, I give it all over to Him and pray that my life can be an example to others.