Today an article was posted on the homepage of a support group I follow. It is very comforting to hear from other women who are feeling the same as I do, having similar reactions to life situations, and asking questions I am thinking.
How can I get through baby showers when I'm dealing with a fertility problem?
Serena Chen
fertility expert
You don't have to: Just don't go. Baby showers can be a
painful reminder of what's not happening for you. You may find it
difficult at first to skip baby showers without feeling guilty, but it
gets easier with practice.
Instead of attending the shower, you
can send a thoughtful gift. Shopping online, rather than at a baby
boutique or toy store, is less likely to stir up feelings of sadness or
resentment. For the same reason, you may want to choose a gift such as
children's books or a selection of lullabies or other kid-friendly
music – both are always welcome and appropriate.
If there's a
shower you just can't skip, consider arriving late or leaving early. Do
your best to avoid the opening of presents, since that's often the
hardest part. Make plans to do something you enjoy after you've made
your appearance.
Give yourself permission to feel lousy afterward, too. It's okay to have a good cry when you wish desperately that the shower could have been for you.
After a full, typical summer day (grocery shopping, laying by the pool, reading, hanging with my mom, and shopping), I met Keal at home to enjoy some yard work together. Typically, this is not how I would define enjoyment, but today, while gardening together, I found myself in such a spirit of praise.
I watched Keal as we began harvesting some of our spring veggies and planting our summer veggies. I found myself thanking God for this most wonderful life we have together, for the friendship we have in our marriage, and the fact that we genuinely like spending time together. It would probably seem like common sense that any wife would say, "I really like my husband," but sadly, I don't think every married couple does say that. I genuinely like my husband and the time we spend together. I couldn't help but smile as we worked side-by-side. I was probably driving Keal crazy with my constant commenting, "I just love our life," or requests for kisses, but I was just so happy with our evening together.
While working, we were listening to Casting Crowns and one song in particular really struck me. It was as if I wrote the lyrics myself about our journey:
So, while we continue to wait for you, face down, humbled and praying, I will continue to stop and enjoy these small and precious moments as our family of two.
Well, one day was all Satan would allow me. Not after being awake for more than one hour, I was hit with another bombshell, but this one worse than any other...
My sister-in-law is again pregnant with baby number two. I am so ashamed by my reaction because there really was no happiness. All I could think of was you and how unfair it seems that others are getting baby two and three, why can't I have just my one? And then I realized for the next nine months, that's all we'll be talking about at family-get-togethers. How am I going to be around them? How will I keep it together and act happy when inside I am so devastated.
I am repeating Keal's faith verse over and over again - this is where we're supposed to be - reminding myself our day will come...but until it comes, days like today make it so hard.
Today we traveled to Tennessee for Memorial Day and a church service with family. And as always, you were on my mind - but Sundays are always stronger and often harder. What a wonderful message we had though that, I felt, spoke directly to our journey to you.
We had read Hebrews 11 - "by faith." Going around the room we each shared our own verses that could be added to this chapter. Keal's verse was so simple, yet so touching to me. "By faith Keal knows he is exactly where he's supposed to be." It reminded me to be content with where we are on our journey to you. It reminded me to be thankful for what we have right now as our beautiful, blessed, and happy family of two. It reminded me that there is a plan for us and right now, where we are as this family of two is right where God wants us to be.
I shared my verse after Keal. "By faith, Courtney is learning to let go of control and trust God's plan." That is exactly what this journey to you is teaching me. You will soon learn how I have a need to plan and control everything. You aren't even here yet and you are already teaching me that the only one who has control is God.
I loved that following a down-day yesterday was a message all about faith. I am excited for the day when I can share my verse to be added to Hebrews 11, By faith, Keal and Courtney conceived their first child.
Until that day, I will continue to wait and pray for the day I meet you.
Unfortunately, today was a pity-party-kind-of-day. And sadly, it all started when I got on facebook early this morning. I should've learned by now, facebook is just a time-waster and a place to find discontent with one's own life. Which is silly, especially when I have such a great life!
Anyway, I got online to find a comment one of my dear friends posted on my best friend's wall.
Sidebar: My best friend found out she was pregnant two months before we started trying, my other friend told me she was pregnant a week after we started trying. Back then this was exciting news because it was only a matter of a few months before we would be pregnant too! Three friends with their three babies. Sadly, that's not quite how God wanted it. So, still three friends and three babies (because one had twins), but I'm still baby-less.
Anyway, she had posted that they had got their zoo membership and was wondering if my best friend had her's yet too. They will be taking some trips together this summer. Now, a good friend should react with: how wonderful that they have each other, what fun they'll have together, etc. But, when you're feeling sorry for yourself, it's easy not to react that way! Instead, I reacted with tears. I was supposed to be apart of these outings too. These were supposed to be my play-dates too. I was devastated.
So, I spent the day sulking, moping, and occasionally crying. And while I know these emotions are all part of our journey to you, I wish we could just fast-forward through these downs. But since we can't, I will continue to wait and pray for you. And until we meet you, I will continue to remind myself to "Let Faith Arise."
I've been trying to find ways to cope with our journey to our own baby because this isn't quite the journey I had planned. I have a supportive husband, friends to turn to, and a wonderful family that is there for me. And even though some of my friends have had their own struggles to meet their babies, I still feel like this is my own story and no one gets it completely.
So, I have decided to just write and document our journey because I know this will have a happy ending for us. I am looking forward to the day when I come back and reread all of my posts to see the ups and downs we went through to get to you.
Since this is the first post, I might as well begin at the beginning. It was March 2011 and we had decided it was time to add to our family of two. We anxiously and excitedly began planning for a baby. We knew it would take some time and we weren't in any huge rush, but in my mind I would have you by next May (at the latest!). I began looking for nursery ideas, what cribs I liked, I had even picked out baby names for either a boy or a girl. I was giddy with excitement to meet you!
By October, we were still just a family of two (and not that we did not love our little family of two, but we were wondering when we would meet you!). After a doctor's appointment, we realized our journey to you was going to be a little bumpier than expected. For the next six months, we went on a couple different medications, but still no you.
Now, over a year later, we are still wondering when we will finally meet our sweet bundle of joy. There are days when I am quite content with my life and know that God has something wonderful in store for us. There are other days when I get down and depressed wondering why we have to go through such a challenging journey to meet you, when it seems like others' journey is so short and easy to meet their babies. Other days I'm angry and confused. No matter what the mood the day may bring, I always think of you and long for the day that we can finally call you ours! And that's the purpose of this blog, to capture the ups and downs, and to thank God that through it all we know "Faith Will Arise" and you will one day be ours!
My anthem (and inspiration for title of blog) through our journey:
