Greater Things are Yet to Come

On the way to our appointment, I was enjoying some time with God....praising Him through song and prayer (while fighting off some major nerves! I was a nervous wreck with uncertainty of what we'd find out today).

While driving the most perfect song came on for us and I began to belt it out!

"There is no one like our God. Greater things are yet to come and greater things are still to be done." Wow, I felt such a peace after hearing this song! What a perfect answer to what we have been praying. I felt like God was speaking directly to me, "Courtney, greater things are yet to come." I would've been content if this was my one blessing of the day, but greater things were yet to be done for us today!

Keal and I got to the doctor's office and were greeted by such kind, peaceful souls. The women in the front office were so incredibly welcoming, comforting, and kind to us. After waiting for just a few minutes (another nice change from other doctor's offices where you wait for what feels like hours!) we were taken back. Both the nurse and doctor we met with were wonderful. They were kind, calm, and patient. The doctor himself sat with us for 45 minutes, constantly asking what other questions we had or what we didn't understand. I didn't feel rushed by him at all.

We left the office with a solid game plan for the next month or so -- which is much greater than I had anticipated. We left the office feeling restored, hopeful, and faithful. We left the office feeling united as a couple and on the same page.

I have never doubted that God would give us you. But I have had days of sadness and anger. I have had days when I have doubted and questioned God's plan, wondering why he wasn't giving you to us now. But today, I feel whole again. Today, I know that God is going to give us you. Today, is the happiest I have felt in a long time. I feel peace. I feel comfort in God's plan. And I feel confident in knowing that very soon you will be in our life! Thank you God for this restored faith and hope! Thank you God for giving us this beautiful, positive day! And thank you God for all that you are going to do in our lives! Greater things are yet to come, and greater things are still to be done!

A Morning of Thanks

Well, today is the day that we take another step closer to you. We have been waiting for this doctor's appointment for quite some time now and today it is finally here. I spent the first half of my morning with a stomachache, anxious, and full of nerves. But now, while I sit here in my kitchen, listening to my "Let Faith Arise," playlist, looking out at the beautiful clear skies, I have decided to spend it, not worrying, but in a spirit of thankfulness. While this was not the journey to you I had planned, and while it has been difficult and trying, there are so many things in my life that are wonderful and good. So, while I want you here right now, I am going to thank God for what I do have now and know that when His plan is perfected, we will have you.

Things I am thankful for this morning:

• My wonderful husband and my best friend. Someone to spend the rest of my life with loving, trusting, laughing, and growing closer to. I am thankful for the support he has shown me already through this journey. I am thankful for the fact that he can put up with the ups and downs of this journey. I am thankful that he knows when I need him to just listen to me spew or when I need him to just hold me while I cry. I am thankful that God gave me the most perfect man for me to spend my life with.
• A beautiful home to share with my husband. I look around at all that God has provided us with and I am astounded. We have a perfect life together and I know it is because of God we have all that we have.
• Two jobs that are both just so right for us right now and where we are in life. Two jobs that encompass the passions we have in life. Yesterday, I walked into my school to make copies for this doctor's appointment and walked through the cafeteria where the day-care program was taking place. Being able to see four of my previous students' sweet faces was just a wonderful start to my day. Their faces lit up and they ran across to hug me and say hello. There is just nothing like the embrace of a child. I thank God for those sweet, comforting hugs yesterday! They were just what I needed. I love my job so very much, and the lives I have come in contact with, and the way we have changed one another's lives!
• I am so very thankful for texts from dear friends telling me they are praying for me, Keal, and you today; for texts and phone calls from my sweet family members. I know no one can say they understand completely what we are going through, but I know they feel our pain too. The looks in their eyes, the compassion in their voice, and the comfort in their hugs, I know they are taking this journey to you along with us. I am so thankful for the people that God has put in Keal and my life. I am thankful for the sincerity and concern they have shown for us through this journey. I am thankful for the prayers I know they are continually lifting up to God. It is through their strength that gets us through this journey. On the days when I feel so down and discouraged, I know these family members and friends are lifting their voices up, even when I don't have the voice to speak myself, to God.
• Finally, I am thankful for this appointment today. Yes, it has caused me some nervousness. But I know this appointment will bring us one step closer to you. Will we get all the answers we want today? Probably not. Will we definitely stay with this doctor? We will find out. Today is just the beginning of our long journey to you. But, I know this appointment, one way or another, is a step closer to you. So I thank God that we could meet with a doctor today. I thank God for whatever news it is we find out today because that news is all apart of God's plan for us and for you So, I go to this appointment today with an open heart, an open mind, and a spirit full of praise.

 Thank you, Lord, for what you've done for me.
Thank you, Lord, for what you're doing now.
Thank you, Lord, for ev'ry little thing.
Thank you, Lord, for you made me sing.

Three Years

This week Keal and I will celebrate three years of marriage! I'm sure as time goes by, this will become even more surreal, but it seems like just yesterday! Ten years after that first date, and 3 years since saying, "I do," it still feels fresh, new, and fun. I am so thankful that God put Keal into my life. I am thankful for the silliness and fun we have together. I am thankful for the trust we have in one another. I am thankful for the closeness that we share. And I am even thankful for this struggle and journey to you. Because even though you are the end goal, it has brought Keal and I so much closer together. The downs we have had, make the ups so much better and make us cling to one another even more! What a wonderful three years we have had as a married couple. I love Keal more today than ever before and I am so excited to see what God has in store for the rest of our lives.

January 14th

It may not seem like it, but I am really trying hard to fight the pity-party mode. I am trying to thank God for the small things every day that He gives us. I am trying to thank Him throughout everyday for my incredible life. I walk by the baby clothes in stores and try not to get depressed that I'm not picking clothes out. I see commercials on TV about babies and pregnancy, and I try not to get down that it doesn't apply to me. There are babies everywhere I turn, and I'm really trying to not let it get to me. But tonight, I have hit an all-time low. Tonight, I feel like I was hit by a truck. Tonight, I am feeling angry, sad, and alone. And it is probably going to seem odd when I tell you what triggered it.

As we were climbing into bed, Keal picked up his phone, read a message, and instantly began typing back. I nonchalantly asked Keal, "Who ya' texting?" And he causally responded, "Callie. Everything went good." And in that second, my stomach began to turn. I had forgotten. She went to the doctor today and Keal had texted her earlier to see how it went. I wanted to shout, "STOP! That's fine - forget I asked." But before I had time (because this all happened in about, oh 0.01 seconds), he continued, "Yep, she's about 9 weeks. That's pretty far along, right? She's due January 14th." My brain was spinning. How was he spitting these facts out so carelessly? How could he not see the look on my face of my heart being ripped out of my chest.

Yes, you are right. I already knew she was pregnant. So, I'm sure you're wondering why this was such a new low for me. I guess it's because this doctor's appointment made her pregnancy so real, and mine....not. I guess deep down, a piece of me was hoping she had misread her pregnancy test and this was all one big mix-up, that she wasn't really pregnant. But instead, I now have a truly pregnant sister-in-law with baby number two on the way, and me still completely un-pregnant.

I just could not handle this news tonight. My heart has been pounding. I have been shaking. I have been close to vomiting. I have been sobbing. I have been heartbroken. I have been confused. And I have been angry. I have tried so hard to fight the pity-parties, and tonight, I just can't shake it. I don't understand -- why not us? We have done everything right. We have prayed and waited until we felt God told us it was time to start trying to have you. We have planned and saved for you. We made sure we had a house in which you could securely grow up. It's not like we rushed into this decision. So, why not us? Why does it feel like everyone else is getting their baby (or babies in this case!) and not us?  I just don't understand. I know this is such a childish phrase, but it really is so unfair!

Okay, that is enough. Pity-party is now over. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better (which is silly to say because today really was such a great day - I'm sad it ended with me feeling so down). Hopefully, tomorrow I will fight these pity-parties. I know we will one day have you - I truly do - it's just sometimes hard to see that in the midst of discouragement.

So, let's end positive. I thank God for these trials we are facing. I thank God because I know when we finally meet you, we will say, "It is only because of God that we have you," and we will know that you are our miracle baby. I thank God because He is going to give Keal an opportunity to see His hand move first hand. I thank God for these valleys because they will make me appreciate the mountains so much more. "Men are that they might have joy!" and we would not know that joy without feeling the pain every now and then. So thank you Lord for everything!

"Troubles they don't last always for there's a friend in Jesus who will wipe your tears away. And if your heart is broken just lift your hands and say, Oh I know that I can make it. I know that I can stand. No matter what may come my way, my life is in your hands."

One Step Closer

Today, I had a doctor's appointment, and I have to be honest, part of me thought she might tell me we would soon be meeting you. Unfortunately, that was not what God had planned for us. As I was sitting in the doctor's office, waiting to speak with her, I could hear her next door with another patient....another, pregnant, patient. As the appointment went on, I could hear this woman's baby's heartbeat. As I sat alone in that room, I couldn't help but wonder, why that wasn't your heartbeat I was hearing.

I keep reminding myself, God has a plan and you will soon be in our lives. Hopefully, in just a short moment of time, this pain will all just be a faint memory that is overshadowed by the joy you will some day bring us and the praises we sing to God.

We (okay, I) have a rough week ahead of us with tests I am dreading and more doctor appointments with specialists. And while I am dreading the short term effects of these things, I know they are all part of our journey to you. So, I will try and put my brave face on as we continue waiting on the Lord for His plan to be fulfilled.

And while we wait, I will take the time to thank God for what we have in our life here and now. Today, I am so incredibly thankful for a wonderful, supportive husband who I love with all my heart. God gave me my best friend to spend the rest of my life with and I am so thankful for that. Here is what I woke up to this morning on the refrigerator and a text I received after my appointment.

So, thank you God for what you have done in our lives. Thank you God for all you have given us - wonderful families, beautiful relationships, perfect jobs for us at this moment in our life. Thank you for those things you have done that go unseen. And thank you Lord for what we know you will one day do for us. I have such a beautiful life that I don't want to take for granted. So today, while I'm waiting, "I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You, Lord. Though it's not easy but faithfully, I will wait. Yes, I will wait. I will move ahead, bold and confident, taking every step in obedience. While I'm waiting I will serve You. While I'm waiting I will worship. While I'm waiting I will not faint, I'll be running the race even while I wait.."

I Still Believe

This song came on while getting ready today.

Enough said!

I Can Make it Through the Storm

Today Keal and I took off for Florida. As always, and as families and babies passed us by, I thought of you (in my mind this was going to be our first trip as a family of three).

Okay, this will be trite and cliche, but thats okay...We took off on a cloudy, gray, blah kinda day. As we began to climb higher, the clouds began to thin and there was a hint of sunshine. Right before we broke through the clouds, we hit just a slight bit of turbulence - one final struggle. Finally, after the long and slow climb into the sky, we broke through the clouds and it was a beautiful, sunny afternoon. We could no longer see the storm clouds or the ground below. We had made it through the storm.

I know on our journey to you we are still making that slow and steady climb through the storm clouds. I know as we wait for you, we may hit some more turbulence and bumps in our journey. But I know, once we finally break through those clouds and we have you in our life, we will sing our praises to God for his gift. Until then, we will wait patiently as we climb to you and will continue to say - let faith arise, even through the storms!