Resuced

So, last night was a bit of a down night for me. I've been doing so good, but it seemed like all the emotions caught up with me. I was feeling angry and sad...so I had myself a good cry. Keal and I got in the car right after and the first song on was, "He Said." I felt like God was whispering those words to me, "I won't give you more, more then you can take and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break, and no, I'll never ever let you go." My mood immediately shifted with this song. I felt so comforted knowing that God has me in His arms. I felt so comforted knowing He has this journey under control. And I felt so comforted knowing that He knows I'm in pain and that He even rescues me from that. We serve such an awesome God! Thank you Lord for rescuing me last night!

Power of Prayer

Today, a good friend of mine came up to me, and said, "We pray for you every night. We've always prayed for you guys, but it's so exciting knowing that this month we are praying to move God's hand and praying for your miracle this month." It was so simple and so powerful for me. I was so touched to hear that another couple was so dedicated to pray every night for us and our miracle.

I've been thinking a lot about campout recently, specifically our Glorious Hope. I no longer doubt for an instant that we won't get you. I know with my whole heart that Keal and I will one day be your parents. But I now reflect on this journey as a way for Keal to come to Christ. It is so encouraging to know that there is more to this life. We have a glorious hope in knowing a glorious salvation waits for us. Our purpose in this world is to find soul salvation and help others find it as well. So I know completely that that is the purpose of this journey. This journey is going to bring Keal to an understanding and his own personal relationship with God. So my prayers have shifted. I pray for this miracle so that Keal knows it was only because of God that you are in our lives. I pray for this miracle so that I can witness the miracle of Keal's soul salvation.

Today I thank God for dear friends dedicated to our miracle month. I thank God for those faithful warriors who hold us up through this journey. I thank God for the faith of my friends and family. And I thank God for this miracle that He has already begun working in our lives!

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

One thing I hope to pass on to you is my love for Disney movies! Here are some great lyrics for you from a classic (Cinderella):

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true

These lyrics must be true...my heart is definitely wishing for you. And last night I dreamt of you again! I've always been a dreamer and loved everything about dreaming. I can remember at least one every morning, but I must say, when I dream of you, they are simply....perfect.

This is only the second dream I have had of you. I've had dreams of pregnancy, starting a family, and this journey to you. But only two dreams of you. These dreams are always so short, but they are so powerful and inspiring. 

Last night, I dreamt that someone else was holding you and you were crying. I came over, swaddled you tightly in a blanket, and scooped you into my arms. You instantly knew my touch. As soon as I picked you up the crying stopped and you snuggled into my chest. You closed your eyes and smiled, as I hugged and rocked you. You were perfect. Just perfect. As I type these words, I can still feel myself holding you.

And that was it. That was my dream. Just a blip in the night. But oh, my sweet one, it was so much more than that. I will hold on to this memory. I will cherish that moment in my dream when I held you and comforted you. This memory will get me through until I can actually hold you in my arms. It probably sounds so unbelievable and strange to others to say I love you, when you don't even exist yet. But know, you already so loved. You are our miracle and we are so ready to welcome you into our family!

Labor Day Weekend

Today, Keal and I had the day off. After a busy weekend of cleaning, working on the patio, and spending time with both families, it was nice to have a day to ourselves.

September has been dedicated to praying as a couple for you, our miracle. And I love how committed Keal is to this - reminding me each night as we get into bed that we need to pray. Today, before leaving breakfast at my parents, we were both anointed.

I felt such a peace afterwards. In the past, my prayers and reasoning has all been selfish. I now pray with a new hope and purpose...Keal's soul salvation. I know that if we were to get you through the help of doctors, Keal would still thank God. But I also know deep down he'd be able to say it was because of doctors we got you. So, I am dedicated to praying and moving God's hand so that when we get you our miracle there is no doubt - we will say it was only because of God that you are in our life! And in return, Keal would know without any doubt, how real is God. That he would know how powerful prayer is. And that he would know that God is still the same today, working miracles in our lives.

We spent the afternoon working on the patio together. And as we did I found myself staring at our backyard, amazed at how much time has gone into this house. I listened to the peaceful flow of the fountain. And as I took in our yard I became so excited thinking that this is the place that you will grow up. I was looking at the beauty that our yard alone has to offer you. I envisioned summer strolls out to the garden to pick veggies for dinner. I saw you running through the yard playing soccer or hitting a baseball. I swear I could even hear your precious giggle filling our yard.

I know I've said this before, but there is so much joy waiting for you in this life. There are so many people waiting to love you. And I cannot wait until I welcome you to this world and share that love with you. You are already so loved!

One Prayer Answered

Friday's doctor appointment could not have gone any better - even if we had written a script! (Which I say jokingly, but I know it went so well because we DIDN'T write a script; I know it went so well because GOD is writing this beautiful script to you!)

We (Keal, mom, and I) sat down with our doctor. She kicked off the appointment by turning it over to us first (enter God here! This was prayer one answered - that we could ask about another option before IVF). So I found courage knowing God was with us. I asked if we could try one more round of IUI - minus the shots - before going to IVF.

She was in agreement with us and decided it was worth a shot to exhaust all other options before going to the most extreme. So we mapped out our game plan from now until Christmas...leaving September as our off month. Leaving September as one final month for God's hand to be moved! Leaving September as our Miracle Month!

We left the appointment feeling God's hand already moving in this journey to you. I don't find it a coincidence that our last month before starting three intense months of treatment would be the month we dedicated to praying for you, our miracle. I feel like we are now in our final struggle - we have gone as far as we could and now it is God's turn to takeover. It is God's turn to show Himself to me and Keal. It is God's turn to show us that He can do anything with faith believing!

I know I've said this before, but it is all so true...I am so thankful for the way Friday's appointment went. I am thankful for a loving and supportive family. I am thankful for the most perfect man to take this journey with. And I am thankful for this journey to you! So, in this Miracle Month we will continue to let faith arise and trust that God will work this miracle for us!

Praying for a Miracle

Well, tonight is the eve of another doctor's appointment. Tomorrow we discuss if IVF truly is the only route for us.

As we were laying in bed, I told Keal I'm so torn - how do I know what's being faithful and what's being foolish? I have complete faith God will give you to us. I don't doubt that for a second anymore. What I do doubt / worry about is what is faithful? If we go with IVF, is that trusting that's God's plan for us to get to you? Or should we have faith that God will perform a miracle for us. Or is it foolish not to go with IVF - because even if it takes IVF to get you, I will still praise God and will still know you are our precious miracle.

I told Keal, let's pray for a miracle this month; let's trust that God will do this for us. We've always prayed for you, but I've never specifically asked God to move His hand right now. I remember a sermon my dad once preached - that we have the power to move God's hand. We have the power when we pray specifically for our needs that God will answer our prayer. Keal quickly agreed with me, "Let's pray together, every single night before we go to bed, for our miracle." I was beyond excited that it was Keal offering this idea.

So, there we were, holding hands and hugging in the dark, while Keal offered the most perfect prayer for you, our sweet and beautiful miracle. He asked God to please give you to us. He promised God that we would love you with all of our hearts. He promised God that we would bring you up in a happy, safe, loving, Christ centered home. He poured His heart out, asking God for this miracle. It was such a powerful moment for me in both this journey to you and in my marriage with Keal. I thank God for this journey as I know it is bringing Keal closer to God.

So this month we are faithfully praying for God's hand to move. This month we are completely committed to praying for our miracle!

Alone

Today I'm feeling very alone in this journey to you. No one understands what this is like. No one can feel what I'm feeling and no one else feels these things either. No one knows the pain I have with the uncertainty of how long this journey will take. I can talk to others, but sometimes that just makes me angrier because they don't react the way I think they should react. I want to talk about this journey to people, but I want them to feel my pain too. So when they don't or when they try to offer words of advice, it makes me more angry and annoyed. I want them crying along with me. I just don't want to feel quite so alone anymore. It's just unlike any situation any of us have gone through. But I guess this is my journey to face alone.