Foolish or faithful?

Each month, I can't help but get a little hopeful that maybe this will be the miracle month...even when we aren't actively doing treatments. In fact, on these off-months, I think I am even more hopeful / faithful that God will give us this miracle. And each month I wonder, am I being faithful or just foolish for getting my hopes up? Well, this month was no different...

Today, I officially met Logan. I had been in the same room as him a week ago, but he was in a car seat and I never truly saw him. Today I saw him. I looked at him. And I held him. Yes, there was pain. But it was also nice to hold a baby. It was such a conflicting moment - I was loving having a baby in my arms...and then I reminded myself he wasn't my own, and that's when it hurt. But through the pain, I reminded myself, this could be our month. Tomorrow I would take a pregnancy test because it seemed like maybe, just maybe, God was working this miracle.

I left their house feeling an emptiness, but not the sadness I thought I would. I was able to shed a few, selfish tears and then flipped on the radio to find song after song was from my Let Faith Arise playlist. I felt God with me and was so comforted by that.

I got home tonight to find out that this will not be our miracle month. I was instantly overcome with such an anger. Why tonight? Why on the night I brave holding my nephew do I find, yet again, we still aren't pregnant? At first, I wanted to curse God, but I quickly realized, this is not God. This was totally the devil, attacking the personal success I had had tonight; attacking the fears I had overcome tonight.

Yes, I am hurting tonight. I am wondering why and wondering when it'll be our time. But through it all, I will continue to trust God's plan - through the joys and through the pain, I will continue to trust Him. I found this picture online today - how perfect to remember this for today, for this journey, and for our lives!

Out of Difficulties Grow Miracles

The past week has been very difficult and I know this week is just going to get more difficult. My nephew will be making his arrival this Wednesday. And while this is a very joyous and exciting time for the family, I can't help but feel pain, sadness, and even anxiety in this new chapter.

I find myself constantly reflecting back on when Callie told us she was pregnant. We had already been long into our fertility struggle. I remember how upset she was when she told us, knowing it was going to be difficult for us. And while I was upset, jealous, whatever you'll call it back in May, in the back of my mind I knew we'd soon be pregnant. I knew that when her precious baby arrived, we'd at least be pregnant with our miracle.

So, here we are, less than two days away from baby Logan's debut and we are nowhere closer to you. Just typing those words, my heart rate has truly become elevated. Thinking about Wednesday literally causes a physiological reaction for me. I have minor panic attacks every time I think about it. I have dreamt about it every night for over a week now. I haven't even been able to blog about this for over a week now because I couldn't admit to such ugly feelings.

I haven't held a baby in over a year now (by choice - it's just always too painful) and the thought of this baby makes my hands shake. Will I cry when I see him? Will I be able to even see him? Will I have to hold him? Will I want to hold him? I feel such an inner turmoil and don't know how to stop it. I love babies. I want to love this baby. Yet I can't when I'm so jealous of this beautiful, precious gift they have been entrusted with when we haven't been entrusted with our own miracle. 

Right now, this is my computer's background:

I keep trying to remind myself of this. Well today, I finally noticed the bible verse at the bottom of this beautiful quote and realized I hadn't read this. So, I decided to do some reading. Here are some of the verses I loved from the fifth chapter:

In the same way, you younger men must obey the church leaders. Be gentle as you care for each other. God works against those who have pride. He gives His loving-favor to those who do not try to honor themselves. So put away all pride from yourselves. You are standing under the powerful hand of God. At the right time He will lift you up. Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you. Keep awake! Watch at all times. The devil is working against you. He is walking around like a hungry lion with his mouth open. He is looking for someone to eat. Stand against him and be strong in your faith. Remember, other Christians over all the world are suffering the same as you are. After you have suffered for awhile, God Himself will make you perfect. He will keep you in the right way. He will give you strength. He is the God of all loving-favor and has called you through Christ Jesus to share His shining-greatness forever. God has power over all things forever. Let it be so.

I finished reading this chapter and felt such an understanding. I have tried to be an example to others through this journey, but I have definitely let this journey get the best of me this past month or so. It is okay to have pain and sadness, but I have allowed myself to dwell in a place of discouragement...and that is not okay. 

"You are standing under the powerful hand of God. At the right time He will lift you up. Give all your worries to Him because He cares for you." I have felt so alone this past month and now I realize it's because I am trying to tackle this journey on my own. God loves each of us and wants to take care of His children, but I must give those fears to Him in order for Him to take care of me.

"The devil is working against you...stand against him and be strong in your faith." Of course baby Logan is causing such turmoil in my life. I am allowed to be sad if sadness enters. I am allowed to be angry if that's what I feel. But I can't let the devil win and take over so much of me right now. I need to stand against him and find the joy and beauty in the birth of Logan. Because Callie and Matt are getting another baby does not mean I will not one day have mine. It just means now is not my time. I must be strong in my faith and trust God's plan for me.

"Other Christians over all the world are suffering the same as you are." I often feel so alone in this journey. I often get into my states of, "Oh poor me, we have it so bad when everyone else is starting their families. No one knows how hard this is..." I first need to realize there are others out there in just as much pain, and more, than I am. I need to get off the me, me, me mindset and start thinking about others. I have been called to love and comfort others. If I am so wrapped up in myself, how can I love others?

"After you have suffered for awhile, God Himself will make you perfect. He will keep you in the right way. He will give you strength." And my personal favorite! When He is ready, when our suffering is to be ended, God will make us perfect! And in that perfection, He will give us you!

I need to stop worrying about everyone around me. I need to focus on Christ's love for me and trust His plan for me and for our family. Yes, there will be things that are challenging, painful, and at times that seem downright unfair. But more important than those moments, I must remember that God is working His magic in me and perfecting me to His will. And for that, I will trust Him, I will praise Him, and I will stand strong in my faith!

Happy New Year

Last night, I lay in bed reflecting on 2012. I turned to Keal and said, "Wow, 2012 was rough." He agreed that this was probably one of our most difficult years as a couple, but we did celebrate some of the good things that happened. Some of the things Keal mentioned:

1. We did not lose any close family members this year. A few years past, we lost 3 grandparents all within six months. Instead, we have been blessed to see our families growing! We have welcomed in new spouses and children into our growing family.
2. We had a wonderful (and productive) summer: vacationing, campout, gardening, and building a patio.

Some other things in 2012 to celebrate:

1. Have gotten much closer to God and increased my faith greater than I ever thought imaginable
2. I completed my 4th (and maybe favorite) year of teaching, said goodbye to some really awesome kids and was rewarded with another spectacular 5th year class!
3. Had a weekend getaway with Keal to Gatlinburg
4. Became closer as a couple

And even if this year has been more difficult, we have definitely learned a lot through our challenges this year. Things I have learned through our pain:

1. Patience. Patience. Patience. I am still working on this one. I know that through this journey, we are being taught to trust God's plan and to be patient with His time. I have definitely learned patience this year. Even the fact that we have decided to take three months off of the treatments is teaching me patience. This is something I know I have not mastered because there are still days where I wonder, "Why God? Why not now? Why them and not us?" But I know these questions are okay. I am sure 2013 will continue to teach me patience too.
2. You can't control everything! Again - still a work in progress! I have let go of a lot in my life this year though. I no longer try to plan treatments around a possible due date - it'll happen when it happens. I no longer have a need to have every minute of each day planned out. I have even learned to let go of my need for planning in my classroom. If something comes up in my room that is more important than what the plan book says, than I make the most of those teachable moments and focus on them!
3. I am stronger than I ever thought -- physically and mentally. Every time I think I'm faced with something I can't do, I do it! We have champed the needles (whether from a doctor or myself - I have definitely overcome this fear!). When faced with family get-togethers that just don't seem like I will get through, I have. I survived a weekend trip with pregnant sister-in-laws, Christmas gatherings centered on babies and kids' toys, and other family gatherings that seemed too difficult.
4. I have married the perfect man for me. This year has not only been tough on us as we try to become parents, but it has been so difficult for us as a couple. I found an article the other day, "Infertility Etiquette," that had such an important opening two paragraphs:

   Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
   The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

   Through this past year, I have definitely been grieving this journey. Grief is a funny thing and can often put a strain on any relationship -- especially when couples tend to grieve differently. Keal and I absolutely grieve differently, and so when he doesn't always react the way I do, it strains a relationship; there is a disconnect between the two of you. So in spite of all that, to still be so happy and in love with Keal and our marriage, I know, without a doubt, that God put this man in my life to carry me through this journey.

And with the end of anything, comes the start of something new. So, for 2013 here are my hopes:

1. That I will continue to hold on to my faith and trust God's plan
2. That I will continue to deal with the happiness and pain this journey will bring
3. That I will bravely face some very near challenges with the birth of my two nephews
4. That my marriage will continue to develop and grow stronger
5. That I will continue to pray for God's guidance in all of the decision making this journey brings
6. That God will bless our family of two with a peace and happiness until we become our most desired family of three

My wish for me...and for you....

 I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Brave

Today has been one of those down days. Today has been one of those days where I can't help but wonder why, can't seem to shake the anger or jealousy.

I heard this song today and instantly thought of you. "In the face of what I don't understand. My reason to be brave." This was not a journey anyone could have prepared for. This is not a journey we always understand. All we can do is trust that God's plan is much better than ours. All we can do is hold on to our faith and know you are waiting for us at the end of this journey. So though it is hard, you are my reason to be brave and we will continue on.

Wake up, wake up, the sun cannot wait for long.

Reach out, reach out before it fades away.

You will find the warmth when you surrender.

Smile into the fear and let it play.

You wanna run away, run away and you say that it can't be so.

You wanna look away, look away but you stay cause' it's all so close.

When you stand up and hold out your hand.

In the face of what I don't understand.

My reason to be brave.

Hold on, hold on, so strong, time just carries on.

And all that you thought was wrong is pure again.

You can't hide forever from the thunder.

Look into the storm and feel the rain.

Go on, go on...

You wanna run away, run away and you say that it can't be so.

You wanna look away, look away but you stay cause' it's all so close.

When you stand up and hold out your hand.

In the face of what I don't understand.

My reason to be brave.

Merry Christmas

Christmas is...
1.) A time to celebrate the birth and life of our living savior
2.) A time to spend with loved ones, celebrating all we have
3.) A time to reflect on another year
4.) A time of peace and love
5.) My most favorite holiday!

While I thought you would be here by now, I am finding myself still so thankful for much in my life. It would be easy to jump on the pity-party train, but there is too much goodness and joy in my life. I am sure there will be moments of difficulty today, but we are beyond blessed to be spending another Christmas with our wonderful family.

Today the morning started quiet, with our sweet family of two snuggled on the couch, sipping our coffee together. I took in the beauty of our home and the still moment this morning, knowing that perhaps this would be our last quiet Christmas morning; perhaps next year we will be that family of three. So, this morning I celebrate our quiet, restful morning. I celebrate my husband and our life. But most importantly, we celebrate our Savior!

Happy Birthday, Jesus and Merry Christmas!

Walk a Mile in My Shoes

It's is often said that before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. I really wish the people in my daily life could just walk one day in my shoes, even Keal doesn't really quite get what I go through on a daily basis.

We are less than two weeks away from Christmas and just the thought of it sends my heart racing. I really don't want to have to deal with it. I was supposed to have you by this Christmas, and worse case scenario, if we didn't have you, we'd be pregnant. So to have neither, it is just so hard to deal with right now.

Friday we got together with some of Keal's family. Being around the babies, their toys, and pregnant bellies is just too much for me to handle right now. So the thought of Christmas can truly almost give me a panic attack. I really wish I could just stay home this Christmas, keep my door closed, and pretend it's just another day.

It probably doesn't make sense to anyone. People want to say to stop thinking about myself, suck it up and deal with it. And I wish I could say, just walk one day in my shoes.

The Climb

This week has been somewhat difficult for me. I'm struggling with feelings of jealousy and sadness. I hate this feeling, but I just can't seem to shake it. I see pregnant women and feel jealous. I see precious babies and have to turn and look the other way. I want nothing to do with any of it ~ which is not me at all. I was always the person first to pick up a baby and play with them. I now find myself looking the other way and avoiding them at all costs.

I'm trying to shake the anger that seems to come with it too. Today, my sister-in-laws will be celebrating the joy of their little ones with their double baby shower. Today should be a day of happiness. And yet, I find myself so saddened. I can't help but think, "but this should be mine too." And I know one day it will be. But today, it hurts.

I have heard this song for the past four days every morning on the radio while driving. This song is over three years old, so the fact that it has randomly been on the radio four days in a row, I feel like it's been meant for me.

I keep trying to remind myself to enjoy "the climb." I can't keep getting so wrapped up in what we don't have; in how hard this journey can be, but instead I need to just keep climbing. I need to keep in mind that at the end of this journey to you, the climb and struggle to you is what is going to make it all worth it. The pain and tears are okay, but no matter what, I "just gotta keep goin', and I gotta be strong, just keep pushing on."

I won't give up on this journey to you, no matter how difficult some days may seem.