Double Trouble

Last night I had another one of my favorite dreams...of you!! Except it wasn't just one of you, it was two of you! I think this is partly due to the fact that on Monday we will finally have our first ultrasound. I hope to hear a heartbeat, but even more so, we should find out how many of you there are. Some people are hoping for twins, others think triplets, and a few have teased me about hoping for quadruplets. In all honesty, I don't care how many there are. I just want to hear your precious heartbeat and I want to know that all is well.

Last night, I had the chance to bring you both home from the hospital and then took you guys on a road trip (not very realistic, I know). As always, you were both so perfect. You were beautiful, happy, content little babies. 

I just love these dreams. I will treasure each of them until I am finally holding you in my arms!! I love you already!

Nighttime Nausea

Well, when I first started my progesterone, I had awful nausea, but around week four, it slowed back down and seemed to die I away. I was very grateful for this brief respite, but halfway through week five and it was back.

Saturday night was just awful. But all along, I said I would be grateful if we ever got to experience this. And so, as much as I loathe being nauseous / throwing up, I am grateful for these symptoms because they are confirmation that we are in fact pregnant! (Wow, still so surreal to say that!) While leaning over the toilet last night, Keal rubbed my back, "Anything I can do?" I shook my head no, looked up at him (probably looking so sickly and pathetic), and said, "I'm so happy we're pregnant!"

And so, we continue on this journey to you, one day at a time. I am so thankful for the patience Keal has had with me and how helpful he has been. Sunday, I ended up being just as sick as last night. We tried going to church, but I have been plastered to my bed all day. Keal has cleaned, done laundry, worked in the yard, tried to get me to eat, you name it, he's done it! And as if this wasn't enough, after doing all the chores, he walked into the living room carrying a vase of flowers, "I may not always buy you flowers, but I can grow them for you," and set beautiful fresh flowers from our yard down in front of me! 

Luckily, the nauseousness has calmed down a bit. It's now more of a state of queasiness, which I can handle. The only real downside is I have almost no appetite. But, I'll take that over sleeping on the bathroom floor again! I was trying to be healthy, but it turns out fruits and veggies have me ready to vomit. Sadly, these are about the only things that sound good to me right now:

So, through the vomiting and nausea, through the growing pains of pregnancy, I thank God for this opportunity He has given us. I thank Him for giving me a husband to help me through this journey as well. As much as I am anxiously awaiting meeting you, sweet one, I am excited for this next part of our journey of just being pregnant. One final challenge we excitedly and willingly accept until we meet you!                  

Waiting and Wishing

I survived the two week wait like a champ. It flew by for me.

Today, was a different story though. Monday we went for our initial round of testing -- another pregnancy test and blood work.

On Monday, as my sweet nurse got ready to draw my blood, she leaned in and whispered, "Well, did you test early?" I gave her a nod. "And what did it say?" she asked eagerly. I gave her a little wink and smiled, "Pregnant." She was grinning so big for us, "I just knew it! You've been glowing since the moment you walked in!"

So, she drew my blood, we met with our doctor, talked about some general do's and don't's, and scheduled our next blood work and first ultra sound.

That was the easy part.

Now came the waiting. Again.

Later that evening, our doctor called to let us know the results of the blood work. "Typically, we want to see numbers around 100. Yours came back at 542. This is wonderful news, Courtney. I am so happy for you. Now we'll see you back on Wednesday and hope that these numbers close to doubled. We want to see some growth."

So, Keal and I enjoyed an evening together in celebration! We had my Teacher of the Year Reception first (which was where I got the phone call!), followed by an evening at dinner, and ending with a night on our patio relaxing. It was a perfect day!

Tuesday kept me occupied with our school's annual zoo field trip. My mind was too busy to worry about Wednesday's blood work.

But Wednesday was agonizingly long!! I ran to the doctor in the middle of the school day and set what has to be a new record: in and out of the office in four minutes! "Okay, we will call you between 3 and 5," my nurse let me know as I headed out. I nodded and thanked her. But what I wanted to say was, "What kind of window is that?! I'm going to be sitting by the phone, sick to my stomach for two hours?! You need to call me at 2:59 lady!!"

The day just dragged by. I felt like I could hear the minute hand tick with each passing second. But finally, at 3:41 my phone rang and sent me jumping off the couch! I think I stared at it for a good ten seconds, debating whether or not I should even answer it.

When I answered, I was surprised that it wasn't my doctor's voice, but the nurse's voice. (Of course, now I realize of course this would mean good news, the doctor would call if it were bad news. But my frantic, stressed brain did not realize this then.)

"Okay Courtney, I'm calling to tell you the reports of your blood work today."
Sarcastic thought: I know. What is it?! Let's get to the important part.

"Well, the progesterone levels aren't back yet, but the hcg levels are. Those are the ones we really want to look at today."
Sarcastic thought: I know, they needed to double. What are they?!

"Well, they did increase..." dramatic pause.
And?!?!?

"They are now at 1,253. This is an excellent sign!"
 Instant tears!!

I could not believe it. I have felt so different this time around. I just knew this was working. But, until I had that feeling confirmed, there was still a part of me that was apprehensive. There was still a part of me that needed to hear those words said, that this pregnancy is growing and moving in the right direction.

After hanging up, I could finally celebrate our pregnancy. For the first time, I sobbed! This is it, Little One. Our prayers have been answered. I am pregnant. Wow, so incredibly surreal. I am already beyond grateful that God has answered our prayers and that we will finally become parents. I am humbled to be given this opportunity. I already feel the weight of the world! You are already so special and I feel like I need to use my life to shout God's goodness! Thank you Lord, for rescuing us, for hearing our cries, and granting us this perfect gift! I, am going to be a mother! 

The Day My Life Changed

To my readers: we are keeping this private until we are out of the first trimester. But we wanted to share our wonderful news with those of you who have prayed so hard for us, been with us every step throughout this journey, and have been so close to us. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013.

5:23 AM.

After the transfer, Keal and I decided that I was going to take a test on Sunday, the day before our appointment. That way - good or bad - we would know the results in the privacy of our own home. I had made it through the two week wait much easier than I anticipated. It really did go much faster (nothing like the two week wait back in November, that was just torture!). But Saturday. Oh my, yesterday was the longest day of my life! I tried to will it to Sunday morning, but the time just wouldn't pass!

Around 3:30 this morning, I woke up. I strongly considered taking a test this early (they say it's best to test with your first pee of the day), but pushed away the urge. Instead, I used this moment of restlessness to have a beautiful conversation with God. Before I knew it, I had fallen back asleep.

Not two hours later had I woken up again...this time really having to go to the bathroom. So, I did. I took the longest walk of my life (maybe seven steps) to the bathroom. My heart raced with each step, I felt like I'd never get there.

Then, I took a test out of the box (I had removed the plastic wrap from the box the night before, anticipating that I'd be too nervous in the morning. This turned out to be brilliance because I was a shaky mess!!). Hands still shaking, I tried to rip the individual package. Finally, it was open.

Here it was. The moment I had been waiting for.

Let me preface this next part by saying, I am now an EXPERT at failing these types of tests. The first year of our journey, I was made to start every day with an ovulation test. And every single morning, I got to read the negative sign. It was such a hard and depressing way to start each day with the reminder that, "Nope. Your body still isn't working. You still won't get pregnant." I had never gotten a positive reading. And pregnancy tests, good grief, how many of those had I taken?! Before I knew we were (shhh...) infertile, I probably took one every month. Every month my period was late and every month I thought, Surly this is it! This is our month! And every month, I had a terrible "not pregnant" staring me back in the face.

I knew how to fail.

I knew the pain of those words, "not pregnant." But to get a positive test? That I had no idea how to process or what to do.

So, there I was, hands shaking, ready to take this test. I finished, placed it on the counter, and saw the hour glass blinking back at me. This was it. This was the moment I had been waiting for...these next three minutes were going to crawl by! But it wasn't three minutes, it was the fastest a test had ever come back for me. I stared at the results, mouth open, frozen in my bathroom. I stared at it again, this time touching it just slightly, making sure it was really real.

 

I always wondered how I would tell Keal when this day finally came. I wanted to make it special for him, this big huge production of some sort. Ha! Let me tell you, I have waited too long for this day to hold out on him and tell him in some grandiose way! So, with tears in my eyes I walked back to our bed where the poor guy was sleeping, oblivious to all that had just happened in the last three minutes. Oblivious to the fact that his life had already changed without him even knowing it! Without having to say anything, he woke up as I stood over him and saw I had tears in my eyes, "What? What did it say?!" I grinned, turned on the light, and laid the test on the bed. He squinted, read the test, and looked back at me with the biggest, sleepiest grin I had ever seen. We locked eyes and just kind of froze for a moment. Until, "Well come here!!" he said, pulled me into his arms and giving me a huge hug. We laid there, hugging, my heart racing, as I was still in shock.

All these years. All the fears and tears. All the prayers. All the pain (physical and emotional). In that instant, it all became worth it. Everything was instantly forgotten because in that moment, I knew I had you. God has heard our prayers, Little One. All my life I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother. And today, May 19 that prayer was answered. In nine months, you are going to make me a mother. From here on out, my life will never be the same. The weight of that one word, "pregnant," on that test is unlike anything I've ever experienced. I've waited so long for this day and I just don't have the words to express the joy I have in my heart. What a beautiful way to start my Sunday morning in praise and in conversation with God, thanking Him for this miracle! Incredible.

Faithfully Optimistic

Well, today is the day. We go back for our follow-up appointment. The two week wait is over! Well. Sort of.

Today, we will take a pregnancy test and do blood work. We will know sweet miracle if you are on your way. Unfortunately though, there is still a risk of a chemical pregnancy -- meaning the embryo implanted, but didn't continue to grow. Blood work and a pregnancy test would show a positive in this case, even though we wouldn't truly be pregnant.

So, today is a step in the right direction, but we still have another long wait ahead of us before we know for sure that you are on your way! If today's results come back positive, we will have several appointments over the next week or two. Each time, they will closely monitor my levels, making sure they are increasing like a normal pregnancy. Then, if all goes well, in a few weeks we will have an ultrasound to see where you have implanted.

In my heart, I know this had to work. You have to be on your way. I can just feel it. And so while we go in to today's appointment faithfully knowing we will receive good news, we still have another long wait before we officially know that this miracle has happened.

Reasons Why My Hubby's the Best

I really expected to be a puddle of emotions during the dreaded two period wait. I don't like to brag, but by George, I'm gonna! I have not shed one stressed out / emotional tear during this waiting period. I'm really in a great place mentally.

Now physically, that's a different story.  I am a sick mess! Which brings me to today's post - my husband is amazing!

Since the retrieval (two weeks ago tomorrow), I have really been such a bum. I just can't do much of anything and it's killing me!

Keal has not always been the most nurturing over the years, but that has completely changed through this journey. He has been just amazing and I am one lucky gal to have him!

So here we go, reasons why he's the best:

1.) Has cooked dinner for me almost every night that our mom's didn't provide it for us

2.) Has made countless trips up the stairs to get whatever it is I need. 

3.) Makes sure I have what I need at all hours

4.) Tries to keep me as comfortable as possible (which included bringing me a mattress downstairs while on bed rest)

5.) Worries for me over every little symptom and forces me to call the doctor

6.) Picks up my medicine when it's too far or exhausting for me to go

7.) Has picked up my slack and done a great job of taking care of the inside and outside of our house

8.) Tickles my head and back when nausea / pain is too great and that's all that's left to do

9.) Prays for me and for you more than daily!

10.) Believes completely that you are on your way and is maybe more excited about our doctor appointment than I am

11.) Loves me despite my moaning and groaning!

I've said it before, but only because it is so true, there is not a more perfect man for me in this world. I am beyond blessed to have found and married Keal. He is one of the hardest working, selfless man I have ever met and God gave him to me! Little One, consider yourself blessed too because you have one special Dad waiting for you!

The Good vs The Ugly

I am trying so hard to remain positive. I really am. But there are so many physical factors that are trying to bring me down. 

Reasons why I should be discouraged:

1. Cramps are now so bad, I can hardly even walk. Good thing my job doesn't require that. Oh that's right, I do nothing but stand & walk all day. 

2. Nausea. Nausea. Nausea. Enough said. 

3. Headaches and hot flashes!

4. Even though these are common early signs of pregnancy, they are also just terrible side effects from these silly drugs. So I can't even get excited for these effects yet. But don't worry, once we hear we are pregnant, I will take these awful side effects on with a smile! Till then....I may mumble just a bit!

Reasons why I should stay positive:

1. I could already be carrying my first child

2. I have God on my side

3. Only 11 more days of school - push through the pain until then! Then I can be sick and miserable all summer long, if need be!

The waiting really hasn't been as torturous as I anticipated. I think because I am so faithful this time around. I really have given it all to God at this point. Today marks one week since our transfer. We almost have our answer, Little One. I just keep picturing your sweet face from my dream - that's all the hope I need ❤